.
what's brown and sticky?... took me a while
(Barry Big Fist, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 3:51, Reply)

The Day After Tomorrow
My friends loved 'The Day After Tomorrow': WTF?

At the big UN confab in the beginning, an Arab diplomat stood up and said "I don't understand how Global Warming can lead to an Ice Age." That's an excellent question, with a complicated answer: how would Hollywood approach it? What they did was cut the smart, swarthy Arab out of the film and had Dennis Quaid spout explanatory nonsense instead.

Then those stupid LA tornadoes: merging whirlwinds will whirl around each other, but Hollywood special-effect whirlwinds crash into each other like bears on ice. Like they couldn't pay a weatherman $50 to explain it to them.

The people seated behind me were talking, so I turned my back to the screen and tormented those bastards instead, rather than pay the cartoon wolves and flash-frozen helicopters any more mind.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 3:41, Reply)

Life is a conundrum.
I don't get
-Canada. Almost everything is so fucked up, the government mostly. The legal 'system', immigration, taxes, you name it. I've worked for a company for 13 years. It was sold to the U.S. a few years ago and they're shutting us down next month. Arkansas will be getting all our orders. Thanks eh.....
-The Smoking Law. "Ontario, where you can marry a fag but you can't smoke one." (Hey, I like fags and I like cigarettes a lot.) Bars have gone bankrupt since the new smoking law. If you can find a place to smoke them, they cost $63.00 a carton.
-why more money is spent on food for a prison inmate than is spent on my Mum's food in the nursing home.
-Cruelty to animals. Hearing about somone throwing a kitten out of a window or dragging a dog from their vehicle? That just puts me in really awful state of mind.
-why a guy leaves his socks on. It brings my amorous mood to a screeching halt.
-those GAP and Old Navy ads. Are they just completely stupid or am I just getting old?
-why it costs more for a popcorn and a drink than it costs to get into the movie.
-why my hairdresser compliments me on the condition of my hair, then when questioned about the products I use, she reprimands me for using such crap. WTF?
-Americans. I don't get them either.
(OGH, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 3:26, Reply)

People
I just don't get them.
I listen politely, but indside I just want to kick them all in the nuts.
Or have sex with them.
Both good.
(sqrrl101, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 3:19, Reply)

Coca-cola had cocaine in it
NO IT FUCKING DIDN'T.

Sorry, I realise this isn't a wtf moment, but it seems it is to everyone else. Coca Cola got popular by being the only cola without cocaine in it. Or something. Anyway, the point is Coca Cola (TM) never had cocaine in.

Ok? Good. Thanks.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 3:06, Reply)

The Daily Mail
I don't get why so many people read The Daily Mail. It is full of articles by opinionated twunts who are either retired and have nothing else to do all day but complain about computer games and anti social behaviour, or people who just want to lie to get money. I realise this post is opinion...

But I really hate the views of the Daily Mail.
( Vintage The badgers took my sanity... and my TV, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 3:03, Reply)

I finally understood today...
That joke:

"What's black and white and red all over?"

I never understood why newspaper was the answer, since they are just black and white...Not red.

Then I was eating dinner, not having hear the stupid thing in like 5 years, and realize it's read, not red.

me=stupid fcuk.
(icouldbeahero, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:44, Reply)

Rugby
In particular the surge in interest from impressionable prawn sandwich brigade eejits after England won the six nations world cup when Johnny sun-shines-out-of-arse Wilkinson scored the winning kick goal in the last period...or something. Difference between league and union anyone? Nope. Me either. Rugby can Fiss off.

Oh- and the Sudan 1 cancer causing dye panic? What's the betting that loads of people who threw out half their frozen food are smoking 50 packs a day?
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:33, Reply)

Tiny Vials of Yoghurt!
I don't understand why Yoghurt is so wonderful. Recently, it seems that companies started putting yoghurt in tiny pots that resemble medicinal vials, and the 'friendly bacteria' inside make us healthy somehow. These people are conning the yoga practising vegetarian middle Class Housewives that they can be immortal by drinking yoghurt.
Got AIDS? Have a tiny pot of yoghurt, those friendly bacteria will sort it right out! It's like when they put cocaine in Coca Cola and claimed that it cured broncitis.
( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:29, Reply)

Big Brother
Why do people vote out the controversial/trouble-making/moderately deranged housemates first?

Clue - if you vote out the BORING people and leave the crazies, it'll make for better TV.

This is why I don't watch Big Brother.

The End.
(HectorProtector, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:26, Reply)

Seinfeld
Simple - I cannot understand how most of the US finds this pointless piece of comedic dysentry funny. It's about as original as most of todays modern music, bases its greatest moment on a stupid pointless skethc about a rude man who sells soup? For fucking christs sake and this takes a team of a dozen people to come uo with this tripe? No wonder the world goes up in arms when NBC want to "remake" the Office - we'll just dumb it down to a level so obvious that it bypasses every funny-node in the above average intelligence human being. And the best thing is - the guy is a comic in the program - MY FUCKING ARSE! Your about as funny as finding a scab a millimieter or two above your ladies foo foo when it was not there last week and you have been drinking from the furry cup. Its drivel, and I piss and spit on anyone who says its "genius" pr "hilarious" - FUCK RIGHT OFF! I hope your arse starts itching and both your arms fall off, you dumb, mindless nerd. Go watch the Simpsons, Monty Python, Spaced, Blackadder, Father Ted, Fawlty Towers - but don't watch that - Jesus they even have to dub on the canned laughter to alert you to what bits are supposed to be funny. I honestly have sat through many episodes, questioning my own sanity, but really making sure that I was not the one at fault - i was not the one "not getting it" - well listen children, I have watched, and have not got it - and the reason - there is nothing to get! ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY YOU CUNTS! SO STOP TELLING ME HOW JERRY FUCKING SEINFLED IS A STALWART OF MODERN COMEDY, HOW HIS ORIGINALITY IS INDENDIARY - HE NICKED MOST OF HIS GAGS FROM THE 3 STOOGES GOR FUCKS SAKE!!! WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE REALISE??? It rips the piss out of me physically that so much talent gets thrown by the wayside when tits like this are sold around the world, networked accross the US and we are all force fed to believe its the greatest - Christ that fat fuck Gary whotsisname - I can't remember my brain has blown a bloodvessel just ranting at this shit - you know mate of Jim Davidsons, wrote for the sun newspaper, with the beard - I remember him once writing in his TV Column how this was the greatest comedy on the BBC at the time - now do you see? Oh please I hope you do as this makes me want to chew my own foot off. I see that man Jerry, telling shit jokes, all backed up by that fuck off annoying Mark King wannanbe failure playing god awful slap bass while he rubs his cock against the machineheads - and all I want to do is punch him so hard his kids will be born dizzy. And that little fat fuck with the glasses "Oh look at me I am short and balding and Jewish and devoid of a girlfriend - that deserves a season all to myself". And that fuctard with the curly hair who is blatantly failing afdmirably at trying to be the mechanic out of Taxi - go take a hike fucker. And Elaine - what can we say about her - the uptight little textbook princess - god nothing at all original about the whole damn thing? What did you do? Come up with the idea on the back of a fucking postage stamp? Jesus christ shit the bed and had a haircut! you could not make up just how crap this tub of bollocks is.

So that's what I don't fucking understand. I don't understand Seinfeld, I don't understand the saps who worship him like he was the fucking messiah of comedy, but most of all, I don't understand why millions is wasted on this shit for global broadcasting rights when so many other talented individuals could make a program to shine above it for a fraction of the cost.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:24, Reply)

woo rant
Why ANYONE would by a brand new car. Ever. I just don't understand how this industry exists. Wait 3 years, pay 40-60% less. Maybe there are just more small dicks out there than I care to imagine, but there can be no other reason. £5000 more because 'it smells new.' What? Please, someone, email me, explain.

Adverts. I just don't 'get' about 50% of them. Something crap happens, then a product name comes up that has nothing to do with the crap thing that just happened. Unless its a car add, in which case I totally get it; lots of extreme stuff happens, like snowboarding, or running down a mountain, or bungee jumping, then its just like 'buy this car.' OH MY GOD, I DIDN'T REALISE THAT DRIVING WAS AN EXTEME SPORT. It's not, no matter how effective your vehicle is at killing children.

Religion - I've just never got it. You believe in this big weird dude controlling stuff or sorting ting out; why? No evidence, nothing, zilch, nada, kafuck. Seemingly no-where else in life will people just accept whatever tripe their told, but when it comes to something some dosser came up with MILENIA ago, everyones just 'woo, get me some of that.' It's bollocks, all of it, get over it, or tell me what the fuck I'm missing out on.

Indy. Your band are shit.

Girl magazines. You get pissed off because famous people are too skinny, while simultaniously having pages devoted to slating stars who aren't looking their best. Case in point Britney; all we ever hear is 'she too skinny' then the second she starts eating and living properly, they all jump on her back, 'Britney becomes bigfatbitch in McDonalds shocker.' Whoever's writing it is clearly a big fat jealous bitch anyway, fuck off and die.

McDonalds. Why eat there? It's not even the ethical thing I care about that much, it just tastes of shit. Burgers contain meat. I'm a fucking veggy and I'd still rather eat a decent burger than watch someone stick that tasteless tripe down their necks without even the threat of gang-rape.

Taking your kids to school in a 4x4.

Fraiser.



Marijuana; makes you sleepy, lazy, personable and cute. Illegal.

Alcohol; makes you hyperactive, uncontrolable, apathetic, liable to puke, violent or at worse, abusive. Legal.

Stoned people don't step out in front of cars. Stoned people don't hit their girlfriends. Stoned people don't start fights. Stoned people don't tear up your garden on a friday night. Leave them alone.

Jimmy Car. Not even sure if thats the guys name. Shit 'comdedian.' Why laugh? Why is he everywhere? Does someone find this funny? Why?

The Smiths - If someone's arrogant the whole of their lives, it's not irony, it's arrogance. Boring music. See 'Indy.'

Fat people - sorry, I just don't see where you're going with this one. Sure, eating is nice. But moving about, having a bit of a life, I'm sure it's so much nicer. Some of the best memories you have will be of things you've done, outside, not just sitting inside watching a video eating a beef or whatever. Go outside, run about, climb something, fight a bear, dig a tunnel - surely anything is better than just filling up your belly till most the world is repulsed by what you've become. Dance with us, oh fat one.

Gabba.

'Japseye' - is that your arse, or the bit you piss out of. Never quite been sure, pray tell.

Davy
(Daveh, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:19, Reply)

Oh
And goths. They pretend to be all depressed, but it's just a style; an image impressed onto one's self by the clothes the wear. They also think they're better than everyone and have a higher understanding of the meaning of life.

Bottom Line:

Goths are snooty fakers.
(Dr. Nelly Lemon, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:18, Reply)

Anime.
The girls look like guys! I can't tell the difference if my life depended on it! They both have no lips, big cutsy eyes and long hair! I HATE ANIME. People laugh when they think I'm joking, but I'm completely serious.

An example, this was a head-scratcher forever. I decided it was a girl because of the hair, eyes, and large-ish chest. Take a look. www.feathersofangels.com/wildfantasy/sephiroth.jpg
(Dr. Nelly Lemon, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:14, Reply)

U2
Aren't they just really middle of the row? They're really not that special, are they? Bono is a twat as well, asking us all to give money to charity whilst splashing out to fly his favourite Hat FIRST CLASS to Italy. Never understood goths either. Doesn't it seem like a contradiction to be different from everyone by all dressing up the same? See also: "Chavs" along with "Safety in numbers"
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Fri 1 Apr 2005, 2:04, Reply)

I really dont get Peanuts cartoons
I just dont.
(Rushy, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 1:50, Reply)

I don't get patriotism,
well, not the way americans do it anyway. (Sorry if I offend any of the american users on here) It's all "God bless America" and "You pinko bastard commies, we won the cold war bitches" I mean, you even get sent to prison for burning the american flag. Do that here and you'd get some funny looks and probably done for starting a fire, but not a jail sentence. It's very much like the horrible saying Hitler had "If you're not with us, you're against us". People are willing to die for the land they were born on, which is run by old men with lots of money and charisma.

Along the same sort of lines, I do not understand football hooliganism. I don't understand what is so great about football anyway. A load of weedy pansies pussy-footing around a big patch of grass trying to kick a ball. Woo-bloody-hoo! And yet, people will be willing to hospitalise and threaten to kill others because their team didn't win a smegging match.

Completely unrelated, clothes. For a girl, I am not much of a shopping or fashion person. I have not found an item of girls clothing that is practical, comfortable or well-fitting. I find myself buying certain items of mens clothing, like jeans and long-sleeved shirts. The girl's jeans are too tight fitting and I can't move around in them, and the girl's shirts, no matter what size, are simply too short in the body. And these hipsters are the worst thing in the world. They constantly feel like they are falling down. Combined with the ill fitting shirts, its no wonder some of us girls have rolls showing. Its unfair. Why should I have to look like a supermodel. I dont care what size I am, so long as I am physically fit (which I am, thank you very much).

And another thing. Lazy people. I don't mean the people who don't work or clean around the house, that's fine. It's the ones who refuse to do any exercise whatsoever. They whinge about how they get out of breath all the time and don't want to mess up their hair. Here's news for you - your hair looks like crap anyway, and If you did more exercise, YOU WOULDNT GET OUT OF BREATH IN THE FIRST PLACE. A little exercise is not too much to ask. Even for the fat people.

Apologies for angriness. Im not so grumpy in real life - honest.
(once_upon_a_time, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 1:29, Reply)

Smack The Pony
I'm glad it's not on C4 any more. I was sick of sitting in a room with someone who thought it was hilarious, smiling politely and thinking my humour gland had gone rotten or something.

The same goes for the BBC's My Hero.

It's not fucking funny.
(b3tasux, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 1:29, Reply)

video store occurances I don't get
I work in a video store. A certain Canadian one that starts with an R and ends with an OGERS.

The number one thing I do not understand is the people who come in the store in the evenings with their cellphones to their ears, talking to their wife/husband/kids and asking if they have seen EVERY MOVIE THEY COME ACROSS ON THE SHELVES until they decide on one with the person on the other line... then change their minds and leave.

I also don't understand the people who come in and insist their cellphones are broken (we sell phones as well), only to discover that they haven't charged their battery.

And... I just don't understand why anyone-- AND I MEAN ANYONE--- would be willing to spend over $200 in one shot on the DVD collections of "Sex in the City".
(megomobile, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 1:22, Reply)

Working
in the nuclear industry for the past 22 years. I cannot understand the public fear. Aifline staff have a bigger radiation dose than me.
I have had numerous arguments with people about this stuff. Good example - Sea salt - as you buy in the shop - would be considered as low level nuclear waste, along with gas mantles, some coffee, and brazil nuts.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 1:15, Reply)

Hummer H2s
enough said.
(sponch!, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:54, Reply)

Canada
I don't understand Canada. It's as if they're an American state, but they resent the fact. They're like a little brother who can never compete with his big brother, and lives in the big brother's house, but always bothers the big brother with his life problems, and always asks him to hand over the remote. Eventually the big brother just gets so pissed off he either throws the little brother out or kills the little brother and eats him. I don't understand Canada.
(FleetlordVT, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:48, Reply)

Oh, and:
Sex: It's squelchy and smelly; you can't pleasure each other as fast or easily as you could pleasure yourselves; you both hate oral but you give it so you can receive it; then it gets to the embarrassing moment where you realise you've been trying to get her off for half an hour, and the more you both realise it, the less turned on she gets, and it turns into this desperate race for both of you, because you can't quit now, and in that moment you realise just how ugly the human body really is and why sex is rubbish. Then the next day you're desperate to get shagged again.
( SqueakyG, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:44, Reply)

I had quite a few to get off my chest (part 2)
The fashion industry: I don't understand how it contributes to society. It has its own inner cycle that has nothing to do with reality. It goes like this: Clothes designers make ridiculous clothes that only fit tiny malnourished catwalk models, and could never be worn in public --- catwalk models walk up and down in these clothes, while industy-insiders watch and take photos --- these industry-insiders publish glossy magazines and generate money within their industry --- clothes designers earn the money to make more clothes. What's the point??

"You cunt!": I just don't understand how "friends" can initiate conversations with each other that start like: "Oi you cunt! You coming out tonight, you fucking cunt?"

ROFL: I hate it when people on the internet say something they think is funny and finish their own sentence with LOL or ROFL. It sounds like they have made themselves literally burst out laughing by their own lame comment. Anyone who did that for real would be insane.

Cinema advertising: I don't get why people pay six quid for a cinema ticket, and then happily sit in the dark being *advertised* at for 15 minutes, from a large screen in the dark that they can't ignore. (and *laugh* at the funny parts... grr.)

Paedophiles: Not how can they be attracted to children... that's an obvious puzzler. I'm more interested in: why do they all have that "paedo" look to them?
( SqueakyG, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:43, Reply)

I had quite a few to get off my chest (part 1)
iPods: They are more expensive than other players, but have less features, lower battery life, and white headphones that say "mug me". Why?

Other operating systems: I'm a fairly casual computer user, yet I must co-exist on the internet with techie people who keep talking about things like "Linux", and I have absolutely no clue. Apparently its an operating system, and apparently it's way better than Windows (because Microsoft are evil and rubbish apparently... personally I've never had trouble). You seem to need a computer science degree to install it, and then you seem to need to install new versions of one of the hundreds of open source versions every other day. That's more *convenient* than Windows?

Macs: Quite similar to the above. Apparently Macs are great, and anyone still using Windows is a scummy loser. No idea why.

Anime geeks: You know the type. The ones who have a LiveJournal filled with images of Anime characters, and text that looks mental because I haven't installed Japanese text, and they do smileys like this ^-^, and it's hard to understand a single thing they write because it's all about crazy obscure plotlines of videos you've never heard of. The whole thing leaves me puzzled.
( SqueakyG, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:42, Reply)

Tarts
I don't quite get why, on the coldest of freezing December evenings, I go out to a party and see girls in the skimpiest tops and the shortest skirts/longest belts* (*Delete where applicable) I have ever seen. And complain they are cold. Of course you are fucking cold, you aren't wearing anything! Wear something sensible and warm! Or better still, stay indoors where you can't ruin everyone's scenery with your flabby thighs and stomach!
(Wibbly Pig, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:35, Reply)

I think it's in the Daily mail
Which could be a post all of it's own, but that "I don't believe it" cartoon strip. GAAAARGH!
Granted, I haven't seen a funny (non-dilbert) cartoon strip in a newpaper in 24 years on this green earth, but this one? As far as I can tell, it's some kind of unholy spawn of Victor Meldrew of one-foot in the grave fame, crossed with Dennis the menace's dad. Right? But apart from the fact it's UTTERY appauling and bereft of even the tiniest seeds of humour, why can't they just call it "one foot in the grave" or something? If that's what it is (which is blatantly implied by it's catchphrase-robbing title) then either fucking fess up and pay the royalties, or just fuck off. And even better, have a word with david renwick and see if he can teach you the difference between mildly amusing pensioner jokes, and a few drawings where NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

/blind rage

Apologies for lack of appropriate capitalisation. I only did it to annoy.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:33, Reply)

Moby again
..why my friend described the recent new Moby album as "sounding a bit too Moby-ish".

That's like accusing an orange of tasting orangey.

Oh and the guy who thought it was funny of your friend to throw a cat out of a moving car - you sir, are what we call a "Cunt". May your family die of Aids. I'm not an animal rights activist or any such thing, just a human. But that pissed me off.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:24, Reply)

The thing I need to know is...
why aren't there any governments overthrown in developed nations? It's not like these governments are any good at governing!

baffles me to no end...
( Art101 You all have an unhealthy and morbid fascination, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:11, Reply)

.
Breast Implants. Especially the big ridiculous ones. Big or small we love them all.
Butcher-shop porn. I like a picture of a nice young nekkit laydee as much as the next man, but those nigh-on internal shots??? It's not like you'd get a pound of mince oot the fridge and have a wank over it is it? or is it?
(Chillumm, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 0:05, Reply)