Two nuns in a bath
Two nuns in a bath.
1st nun: Where's the soap?
2nd nun: Yes it does, doesn't it.

All the way through school, through college, through university, and through my first few years working, I just did not get that joke.

Then one day, while I was out shopping, it suddenly clicked and I burst into a fit of giggles.
(zangengeburt, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 7:12, Reply)

Drive Thru ATM's...
I was at the drive-thru ATM and there was little sign on it that said. "This ATM offers audio assistance for the visually impaired."

Wtf? Why are the visually impaired driving?
(Lucia, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 6:01, Reply)

Personal blogs.
Who writes them? Who reads them? Why do people think anyone gives a fuck about what they had for dinner?

It's a sad fact that, if you're a blogger, and something happens in your life (remarkable or otherwise), your first thought is "Ooh, I must publish this on the web, so the whole world can get a look."

Utter madness.
(DeeDee, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 4:14, Reply)

Traffic Lights
My brain can't comprehend traffic light systems. They all link in at an intersection, red, green, perfectly aligned where roads lead to other intersections and crossings and so on and so on AND THEY ALL WORK IN SYNC! Across a whole city! Across a whole country! Amazing!
( Strangey is present at, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 3:29, Reply)

Television Soaps.
1) They are utter shit, boring and cannot hold the attention of someone stuck in a room with only a television set for company
2) Although making it realistic would be very boring (hey, sit on your arse watching fictional characters lives while you could be trying to get one yourself!!), the way they make it like so much shit happens on the same street makes it shit and really laughable.
3) Shit accents. Oh, fuck off, please. Go and snog a chav.
4) Crap predictible plot twists, I dont give a shit that mandy slept with her husbands brother who is in jail for murdering the local farmers dog who was going to get put down for going for the locals' throats. It's just stupid!
5) Shit theme tunes. A 4 year old could make better midi files.


I think thats about enough ranting.
( the_man361 bffwaarghhl, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 0:28, Reply)

the ten lamentations of frozen treat
1) why they bring out special edition dvds 6 months after they released the regular dvd...i will not pay for a 40minute interview with the director
2) advertising and endorsement, like paying david beckham to gulp pepsi, does this really help sales? are the public this easily drawn in?
3) pictures of people's 21st birthday parties cluttering up valuable space in the riveting local newspaper...we don't care
5) people who kiss animals....furry tongue?
6) why are carrots and parsnips always served mashed together? is it to disguise the taste of a parsnip? if so, why not leave it out?
7) why do church bells play such long tunes, when we just want a "bong" to tell us the time
8) people who say this: "Now i want an explanation......No! None of your excuses!"
9) vegetarian meat substitute. like tvp. tastes like grainy glue
10) why do parents of fat children continue to feed them?
(frozen treat, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 23:43, Reply)

the new simpsons episods
the latest simpson episods in my view have stoped being funny since the one when moe chaned his bar in to a trendy club i just dont get why they insist on makeing them they should just do a movie and and a few more episods and thats it because all the older shows piss on the new ones by far
(big boss, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 23:42, Reply)

foot ball supporters
some thing strange about pissed up fat skin heads
who proberly the only exersise they get is running from the police , yelling at fully trained fit footballers how to play the game
and when thier side loses they either riot or start crying and whineing like a girl haveing a period the best thing is when you confront them about this they just moan "aww you just dont get it" yeah your right mate i dont
(big boss, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 23:24, Reply)

At college yesterday....
My teacher told the class (all male) a joke. He started off by saying that it's a joke that women don't generally find funny cos it's kind of a blokes joke. I thought to myself, this had better be good because if I don't laugh I'm going to seem like a woman or something! (Yes, I am insecure!)

Now, the actual joke took ages to tell so I shall try and shorten it for you here:

A sheikh has a harem with 100 women in it. He has to go away for a long trip and so he wants to find someone to "service" them while he's away. He devises a test to find out whether the applicants are physically capable of fulfilng the needs of 100 women so he asks them to see if they can get through 100 women in 1 week. Eventually, they find someone capable of it and so the sheikh goes to meet him. The sheikh walks into his palace and asks a servant where the man is and he replies: "Under the table having a wank."

That's it. I think I get it. It's ironic that, having screwed 100 women he's still so randy he has to crack one out under the table. The thing is, I can't help but feel I'm missing something. My teacher and everyone else in the class pissed themselves like it was the funniest thing ever in the history of mankind. Seriously. They were all laughing for about 5 minutes.

Ok, it made me chuckle but to be honest it really isn't a very funny joke. Is there something I've missed here? I just don't see what is so unbelievably hilarious!
(Mr Slippyfist, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 23:03, Reply)

i just don't get it....
...why there is about 6.5 billion people in the world, but when asked a question on b3ta everyone posts the same fucking reply...

oh yeah and also.... how the fuck is tory short for conservative.

:|
(nigger kid, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 22:23, Reply)

Will some one tell me
The meaning of life? (other than 42)
(Fireinzehole, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 21:57, Reply)

I don't understand why...
...big ugly women stampede to the dancefloor in herds when the song "Pretty Woman" comes on and don't see the irony...
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 21:43, Reply)

tea
why is tea so easy to spill? coffee, wine, water all fine, but tea just has the uncanny ability to
spazz out of control - i have scars to prove it.
(Barry Big Fist, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 21:16, Reply)

Timberwolf
Conservative doesn't abbreviate to Tory, nor does it contract. They are two entirely different words. The word Tory was used for the party before the word Conservative, but both are now acceptable.
(underachiever, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 21:11, Reply)

for those who don't get christianity
try reading the new testament.

i don't just mean the gospels. sure, they tell you about the life of christ, but keep going, into Acts, Romans and all the other letters, and things will become a lot clearer.

for example: someone posted a question about how if god said the jews were his people, then why did jesus come along and start the christian faith. if you look in the first few chapters of Romans, then you find that god's people are not those who have been circumcised (jews; those of jewish descent) but those who have made themselves right with god (christians).

go to spring harvest next year. i got back yesterday, and it was awesome. i learnt so much.
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Wed 6 Apr 2005, 20:56, Reply)

I was about eighteen
before I got that joke in The Simpsons, where Homer wants to go to Clown College and he's sculpting a circus tent out of mashed potato.
(sporks, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 20:44, Reply)

resident evil
i was watching resident evil, and the actor said "make haste", i thought 'what does that mean'. so i asked my kind friends and they replied CAKE! i believed that they told the people in resident evil to go and make a cake called haste that was flapjack covered in porridge for 2 weeks! they also told me you could inject it, which didnt make sense to me as, how can you inject porrdge?
(blondenbunny, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 20:14, Reply)

Lost Car Keys
Like when you say to your flatmate "I can't find my car keys?" and she says "where did you last leave them?".

If I bloody knew I wouldn't be wasting my breathe asking where they were.

A simple 'no' would do, like when I say "can I borrow your car as I can't find MY car keys?". I mean ... I just don't get it.
(Enzy_Chick, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 20:08, Reply)

why my cousans
are such retards when i am near god like
(fwack bang on it, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 19:32, Reply)

There are known knowns, and known unknowns, and
Why people kill each other for oil. Surely it's easier and more moral to reduce consumption?

Why people drive cars on their own in cities when vans are better for carrying loads, bikes are faster, cheaper, more relaxing, less frustrating, more sociable, and better for the user and the planet.

Racism and homophobia.

Why we trust politicians to lead us and act on our behalf.

Why electricity doesn't fall out of the wall when you switch on a socket with no plug in it. In fact, pretty much everything about electricity.

Why shuffleboard isn't a universal pub sport, and baseball remains largely confined to North America.

Come to think about it, why they still prefer American Football to real football.

Why we don't all act as if we're going to die tomorrow, which we - relatively speaking - are. Life should be a joyous, fully lived, shared positive experience.

Why I'm bothering to do this when I've got jobs on.

Why my fkng speakers aren't working - I've checked the drivers, the codec, even the volume knob.

Why alarm clocks and bombs go 'off' - surely they go 'on'?

And why the fk does the tax year begin / end on April 5th? What's wrong with January 1 / Dec 31?
(heed, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 19:25, Reply)

People
who call an ambulance at 2am on a Saturday morning (the busiest time of the week) because they want to go to hospital with the bellyache that they have had for the past 4 weeks and have not taken any painkillers for. What the fuck?!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 6 Apr 2005, 19:14, Reply)

Oh dear.....
I am being a monumental arse in doing this, but sometimes,just sometimes, you gotta register your bewilderment - timberwolf, you are a daft cunt, bless you.

Plus, people, please stop ranting on here! The question relates to stuff you DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT - ie, jokes you don't get, words/phrases you don't understand.
Some of these things that people are ranting about are not things they don't understand, but things they can't comprehend. There is a difference.
And yes, I do realise the irony of posting this little rant....
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 19:13, Reply)

I dont understand nuffink
Why do companies like Ocean finance give people money for accidents? Isnt that rewarding stupidity?
Also i dont understand why the U.S is so anti-communist.
And tabloids. Dont get me started on tabloids.
And WTF is up with this!?
www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/bs.html#Intro
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 18:45, Reply)

response more than an answer
I noticed so many people complaining about soaps and the fact they dont understand why there so depressing.
Best theory i've heard is that you get in, watch something where you see a load of people moaning about bad stuff that happens and you think "heh, at least my life isnt that crap" and it makes you feel better.
Sorry, bit of a pointless post but i've seen too many people bitching about depressing soaps that they see. If there really that crap, dont watch em!
(Voidedge, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 18:07, Reply)

Spelling
Why do some people who post on here, calling other people idiots, invariably have spelling mistakes in their contributions?

Twunts.
(fogbat, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 17:45, Reply)

Not seeming too keen
Did I miss something? Are we still a nation of Victorian era prudes for whom showing emotion is a faux pas on the same level as paedophilia? Why is it that, after having bade farewell to a young lovely after an evening's fun, the social imperative is to act like an awkward teenager?!

Christ, an average courtship used to be "Boy meets Girl". Now, it's "Boy goes out for a weekend's worth of merriment; Boy meets up with Girl; Boy is attracted to this Girl; this Girl is attracted to Boy;Boy and Girl spend entire evening together; Boy gets back and fizzes around with excitement at having met Girl whom he really likes; Boy makes enquiries of mutual Boys to find out what Girl thought of Boy, Boy finds out that Girl was equally as besotted; Boy forces self not to ring, text, email, or contact Girl in any way ; Girl sends non-committal message via text/email (because Boy won't answer the phone in case it's Girl, and Girl has to be non-committal as Girl must also be sure "Not To Seem Too Keen"); Boy gets utterly disheartened at non-committal nature of message and writes off all hope of relationship with Girl; Boy does not reply to Girl; Girl assumes Boy is not interested; Repeat from start."

Frankly, it makes me want to spend all day playing World of Warcraft, before having a whore delivered for an Emptying session.
(Light, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 17:38, Reply)

The male orgasm...
...why so much shitter than the female orgasm? They get fireworks and we get a wet wednesday in Slough. Not fair and definitely not cool.
(MikeCUK28, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Mrdiddle:
I love sprouts!
(Mr Slippyfist, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Darwin's theory ------Bollocks
If, as they would have us believe , we have evolved from apes, how come there are still apes ? If all apes wore burberry hats, that would explain that some species just don't advance at all through time !
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 17:16, Reply)