Chicken Lips
I once knew a mate who told someone to go and purchase "half a pound of chicken lips" from the local butchers.

Needless to say, they followed their orders. Mass mirth was instantaneously generated for us all.

Classic...
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:57, Reply)

Who is ME??!?!
I once knew someone who was filling in an application form for credit, so they could go and buy something from Crazy Georges (no idea what it was, think it was a freezer).

Said person returns back to the shop shouting and screaming at the top of their voices, wanting to know who the sarcastic b*st*rd was that signed their name as "Me". Ranting and spewing forth diatribe such as "Who was the sarky f*ck*ng b*st*rd that signed the form as ME! f*ck*ng own up!!" etc etc...

Turns out the dumb bint had misread who had signed what, and "Me" was actually the sales assistants initials for their name, not someone taking the P*ss out of her.

Deeply, deeply foolish. Near loss of bladder control was the result from laughing at it all, at the time.
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:54, Reply)

The future of the nation
A long time past in year 11 maths. A bunch of my mates and I got into a conversation with the teacher when literature came up. After a little while old plays were descused at which point one mate ssid and I quote "So who invented shakespear anyway" And they say the young inheret the earth, Oh dear.
(The kilted Ninja, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:49, Reply)

gah so many memories
Ages ago in Y8 RE. errm thats when you're twelve my teacher proceeded to inform us that there were twelve deciples and then judas iscariot (betrayer of Jesus).
I pointed out that that was a pile of rubbish. Que much shouting at each other and me getting sent to the head of RE to get a telling off.
head of RE quietly brough a bible to our class and explained.

I hear my old RE teacher had an affair with a married man-teacher and they ran off together. lucky man.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:37, Reply)

More dinosaurs
Was watching Walking With Dinosaurs with someone a while ago and one of the big, scaley dudes was chasing one of the cute, furry dudes, when she turned away and said "I can't watch this, tell me when it's finished".
".. why? It's not real" I said.
"Course it is, look at them!"
"Ah right, didn't know dinosaurs knew how to operate camera equipment"
To which she changed the channel and got up to put the kettle on.
(mmmMeHhhh, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:30, Reply)

GCSE History again
my mate kippers pop Quiz answers read out by the teacher as they were so shocking

Q- Medievil medicine woman. usually one in each village.
CORRECT ANS- wise woman KIPPERS ANS- clever lady

Q- Tool invented and used by Gynecologists from 1800's until today?
CORRECT ANS - obstetric Forceps KIPPERS ANS - Baby Removers

worrying thing is he was serious and actually thought he did well. great guy 4 years on....
edit - SPANG
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:15, Reply)

A-level Biology
Seb - Surely there must be air in the womb
Teacher - no its all fluid
Seb - But.....how does the baby breathe!!!!

SPANG - teacher hangs head and sees her pass to fail ratio go down.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:11, Reply)

GCSE History
teach - what other animals might be found on the great plains
seb - hyenas

me - what are you on about seb - hyenas are in AFRICA
seb - but they were on the Lion King!!

teacher - thats set in africa seb
seb - but they had american accents!!

SPANG
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:09, Reply)

Hmm.
I was in the Natural History Museum in London, looking at the Dinosaurs, when I overheard an American (yes, again) gentleman pointing at one in an attempt to educate his spawn.

"You see that? You're descended from one of them!"
( Dr Phil Kitten, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:06, Reply)

uncle and aunt - christmas time, two years ago.
"Man, that new Lord of the Rings movie was awesome! And I tell you something, there's going to be a third."

"Of course there is, numbnuts, there's three books."

"...what books."

My uncle, sadly, was completely serious.
(save a quarter, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 1:01, Reply)

this one had long lasting repercussions
all from one mate, admittedly several years ago:

biology teacher: "whats the name of the white fluid found in rotten teeth?"
mate: "semen" (the mind boggles)

another:

myself and several others: random pisstaking of mate

matey boy: *Enraged* "Are you guys gay or is it just me?!"

the mileage on that one has been priceless
(ianfidel, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 0:47, Reply)

one of many
In Japan, in front of a class of 38 junior high school students, me working as an assistant language teacher, i had to talk about my summer holiday in southern Japan:

me; so we went to beach every day.

Japanese English teacher; That must have been nice. Do you have beaches in Britain?

me; (long pause) er.. yes.
It's an island.
(Man in Japan, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 0:22, Reply)

I used to work with special kids...
One used to have a habit of lying.

Best was, "I've been raped and murdered."
( Queen of Cheesecake, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 0:11, Reply)

I can make wee come out of my bottom
"Lard?" I said, one sunny afternnoon at the Glastonbury festival, after much chonging.
"Yes?" Replied Lard (for that was my good friends name)
"You know when you reeally, really need a wee, and just as you're about to go, you sort of hold it back, and strain, and it really hurts, but you sort of push it back down, and it comes out of your bum instead?"
"Yeah,"
"Oh good. I thought it was just me who could do that."
"Really? I thought it was just ME! I guess its one of those things that nobody really talks about"
"OH MY GOD!" Goes Lard's girlfriend "No FUCKING WAY can you do that!"
"Yeah," I say, "I guess its just a bloke thing"
"Its true," Agrees Lard.
"Wow! Thats fantastic!" Lards girlfriend is awed at the fantastic feats the male body is able to perform.

ABOUT 2 MONTHS LATER:
The phone rings. I Answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello. Its Lard. I'm going to tell her the truth. She's embarrasing me at the pub."
I hear him explain that no, men can't actually wee out of their bottoms. I hear a muffled slap. The phone goes dead.
they split up not long after that.
(Booga O Valencia!, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 0:04, Reply)

Here's a-bloody-nother one
My stupid arsed cousin once asked while i was watching England V Someone, "How come Owen plays for England? I thought he played for Liverpool" -----twat
(just_steve, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 0:01, Reply)

Pure ignorance of the word arrogant
"your dead ignorant you" shut up you idiot the words arrogant - idiots
(just_steve, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:58, Reply)

One 17 year old lad I work with
once asked a 17 year old girl I work with if she knew why the sky was blue, 'no' says 17 year old girl, 17 year old boy replies 'it's because it reflects off the water, water is blue so the sky mirrors it'
17 year old lad was joking, 17 year old girl believed him for about a week. She then asked me if it was true, after I told her it wasn't she asked why the sky was blue...the only answer I could come up with was 'Science'
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Typical old bat-ism
My Gran calls the Grand Prix, 'Grand Pricks'. We've told her again and again the correct pronunciation but she doesn't give a shit because she's old, mental and was in the war.
(Jesus Slutmustard, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:48, Reply)

Dieting fads...
Most "revolutionary new diets" are completly ludicrous, and I still can't quite believe people use Atkins - it works BECAUSE YOU'RE STARVING YOURSELF! Forget the constipation and bad breath from eating so much protein, it does odd things to your health and hormone cycles. Anyway, I digress:

But heard in the queue for a baguette shop in Uni yesterday:

Girl 1: ...Oh, they've stopped serving salads and I'm not allowed bread! I hate detoxing!
Girl 2: It's ok, it's brown bread so it soaks up the poisons...

Odd, but not tragic. They then stated discussing the fact that Girl 2 is on a diet where she can eat just as much as normal, but she can't eat carbs and protein at the same time - apparrently she has carbs first (eg chips), then waits an hour before eating her protein (sausages for example) "because that way you don't put on weight".

Also you can't eat fruit after a meal "otherwise it ends up getting digested". I was overcome with an odd mixture of laughter and dispair.
(Not very much gravitas at all, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Why do all the fucktards
always turn to me for computer assistance?

Him: It's my modem, it's not working.
Me: What error does it give?
Him: It says there's no dial tone
Me: Is it plugged into the phone socket?
Him: Yeah....Oh wait. No.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:10, Reply)

I remembered a good one!
I was sitting up with my cousin, my mum and my aunt one night, can't remember what we were waiting for...and I don't know my cousin all that well so we were talking about foods we don't like. I don't like veal, and said so. Cuz asks why, I say that it's baby cows....and she stops and thinks about it. Roughly a minute later, she asks me, all horrified: "So, you mean they take the baby cows and make PORK?"

Nearly peed myself, the expression on her face was priceless.
(dippingsauce, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:01, Reply)

In a biology lesson last year
My friend turns to me and asks me "What came first - the chicken or the hen?"

I'd have laughed louder had the teacher not walked in at that very moment...
(insert username here, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 23:00, Reply)

he he, silly bint
My step sister was going to Belgium; she said something like "When I get to France..."
I said: "I thought you were going to Belgium"
She said: (Scathingly) "Yeah. Which is in France."

She also wanted to know how they turned trains around for the return journey.

Finally, went up to an (admittedly quite pissed) mate with this American girl I had pulled, said "Rob, this is Sarah, she's from Vermont"
He says, "Oh, I love Canada"
Great chat
(donksta, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 22:59, Reply)

My Dad's old boss
He had a way of mixing his words up, in full seriousness and not realise what he was saying...

There was a subway in Sheffield called the hole in the road, now sadly filled in, he always used to refer to it as the road in the hole, and the Mitsubishi Shoguns were forever known as bitumastic shotguns, I'm sure there's more will have to ask the old fella....
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 22:40, Reply)

My grandma
a minefield of bizarreness. One in particular though...

I was about to get a new cousin. I was only about 3 or 4, so I don't remember it, but my dad will tell the tale forever more. My aunt, who is a midwife, asked my other aunt whether it was a boy or a girl.

"Don't be silly" says grandma
"When the baby comes out, it either pops out or stays in. That's when you tell if it's a boy or a girl"

She raised three kids earnestly thinking that that's how the sexes were determined. Lord only knows how she thought they got in their in the first place...
( Evil|berT is posting post-hummusly, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 22:35, Reply)

These may sound a bit far-fetched, but they're fecking true(and long, sorry)
- People in my school think in black and white - either you're skinny or you're morbidly obese and incapable of walking more than 50 feet. To them I fit into the latter category. I met a girl(a very rude one, about equivalent to a chav) one day who asked, "how do you wipe your ass?" and, sarcastic in a completely obvious way, I said "Oh, well, I don't." A completely horrified look spread across her face as she slowly backed away..
- I introduced someone to a friend who's gay, and later in private she said "don't you know you can get AIDS from gay people?!"
- For a history class last year, we had a teacher from England who everyone secretly laughed at by making him say "banana." I was staying after school to help a person in my class with a project, and we were stuck, so I suggested that we go ask the teacher for help, but he said "wait, it's 4pm. Isn't that tea time?"
Only in America.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 22:25, Reply)

the local news tonight!
On Look North (the South Yorks version) some newsgonk was linking between a tragic story about a poor old Leeds Student who'd had his entire family wiped out in the tsunami, and an aid worker from Sheffield who was out there, his opening question was the superb 'So Amanda, you're in India, we've all seen how bad it looks on the Tv, but is it really as bad as it looks?' what a fucking twat! It'll probably be ten times worse, with all the water, the disease, the fact that there are so many people missing,dead and wiped out, and the only thing he can think of is 'Is it worse than it looks on the TV?' thats pullitzer prize journalism that is!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 22:14, Reply)

I was once asked...
'So do goths eat mushrooms?'

The slightly dim individual was rather suprised to find that indeed, i was one goth who not only ate mushrooms, but a whole plethora of other veg too.
(Predatory Sock, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 22:02, Reply)