similar to inflateable's
"British English isn't real English."
( sosumi, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:26, Reply)

Whilst studying Religious Studies at AS level,
one of my classmates (who is known for his frequent silly remarks) was heard to say:

"Was Jesus around with the dinosaurs?"
( hazzamon I've nothing better to do, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:24, Reply)

My housemate...
...in the supermarket, spies some large, round yellow citrus fruit.
"Wow, those are big lemons!"
Other housemate: "Those are grapefruit."

My sister: "There's a Most Haunted Live on, it's the Summer Sauces."

Also my sister, telling me about her trip to Greece: "...and then we went to see the Apocalypse."

And my favourite:
(Watching "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"):
sanity_challenged: "Did I just hear someone ask for a coffee table? Why on Earth do they want a coffee table in the jungle?"
boyfriend: "Yeah, I think I just heard Johnny Rotten ask for a kettle. What does he want that for? There's nowhere to plug it in."

I have more...
(sanity challenged, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:20, Reply)

In a PC-repair shop
"But if I put this silencer around my hard-drive it won't work as it works through sound."

Yeah, right.
( renegatus: i'm what willis was talkin' 'bout, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:19, Reply)

I was once
complimented in the USA on how well I spoke English.

I *am* English.

On pointing this out, I was simply told again how fluent I was.
(inflateable, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:17, Reply)

titanic
At the cinema with girliefriend and her mum. Watching titanic.

Gf's mum gets very into the film, and forgets the title of what it is that she's watching.

Shouts halfway through, in very loud voice...

"Oh No! They're going to hit the iceberg!"

Entire audience cracks up and gf tries to hide under chair.
(inflateable, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Southerners......
When coming back from my honeymoon in Mexico some years back I was coming up to passport control where we had to stand in one of two rows 'EU Nationals' and 'Non EU Nationals'. Standing in the EU Nationals queue I heard a woman behind me turn to her husband and say, 'Which queue should we be in?'. 'I'm not sure' he replies. Quite loudly and in the poshest accent I have ever heard she suddenly blurts 'We must be in the Non EU queue, we can't be EU we're British.'

She then stormed to the back of the other queue which appeared to consist mainly of Africans in some form of national dress.
(Troncmaster, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Really makes me worry about the future....
Me : I can't wait to get to Rome.

My (15 yr old) Niece : I thought you were going to Italy?

Me (and other family members) : ????????

Me: It's the capital of ITALY!!!!!

Niece : I thought that was were the Eiffel tower was!

Gugh! And she comes out with things like that everytime I see her.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:14, Reply)

A good guitar song came on the radio
and i started rocking out a bit to it. I made a comment about how Ilike to play my air guitar to the song and one particularly thick mate said,
'You have an air guitar? No way those are well expensive! I don't belive you. If you do what colour is it?'
Cue loads of us saying we have one and saying we would bring one in the next day. Oh what easy pray she was.
(fluffytail, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:08, Reply)

Americans
OK, some of you have sense but..
My Dad used to do part time coach driving and did city tours of Edinburgh. I was about 6 when I wnt on with him and some fat bloke up the back shouted "Gee, what's that little house on the hill over there?" - it was Edinburgh Castle!
(sparrie2k, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 17:06, Reply)

americans
on the bus in edinburgh going through princess street.

"aint it cool the way they built the castle so close to the train station"

enough said.
(Swany o¿o, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:59, Reply)

David??
On a 6th form trip to Florence, i overheard one bright class mates respond to the announcement that the class was going to see the David at the academia with "Whos da David??!"
Culture
(Mr Smithe, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:57, Reply)

don't let women look after the cash...
Been in a mortgage meeting for two hours, having various options explained to us, what we could afford, what repayments would be needed etc.
- admittedly, very boring.
At the end, the broker says, "Did you understand all that?"
"Yes," says the missus.

before adding, " ...what's interest?"

(faints)
(Milkmelikeacow, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:54, Reply)

I currently do temp work on the benefits agency switchboard and various people have claimed to be on:
incapability benefit
incaptivity benefit
incoming support

best of all many of them get confused when asked for their surname

Also when i worked in Jessops a PHOTOGRAPHY STUDENT complained that she had bought a sepia filter for the front of the camera and the pictures were still black and white!

She then tried to blame me...my boss laughed and pointed out that I already had the degree she was working on (I hope she failed)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Overheard on a Number 1 bus in Brighton
"I don't trust that David Blunkett - he has a shifty look"
(vidkid, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:52, Reply)

someone i worked with:
"Adolf Hitler....wasn't he the one that burned books?"
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:48, Reply)

Mobile technology?
My housemate bless her is very easier confused so my brother on his frequent visits spends many an idol hour testing how much "bull" she will believe

sat talking about mobile phones and i'm talking about one of the new bluetooth headsets and how small they are getting... so my housemate says well if they are that small that they just hang off your ear where do you speak into so my brother jumps in that you can place a microphone the size of a smartie under your tongue....you could see the cogs turning in her head at this point.

Next morning before i leave for work she says to me "don't get that headset i'm worried you might cough one day and swallow it"

I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise
(thesickandwrong, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:47, Reply)

bless her
one of my ex's once asked me what world war 2 was.. not what it was about.. what it WAS!
I sat her down one saturday and had to explain who the prime minister was as well.. "yes love he's quite important"
(8cidburn, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:47, Reply)

For crying out loud
I convinced my ex-girlfriend that the term 'Contraband' first came in to use during the filming of the movie 'Shirley Valentine', when, upon returning from location in Greece, the lead actor Tom Conte's suitcase was found by customs to be stuffed with illegal cigarettes and booze.

This was in September.

She never mentioned it again until we sat down for Christmas dinner with my family on the very day she met my parents for the first time.
(pb4ugo2bed, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:46, Reply)

Never let Tania near the buttons...
Myself and a few mates were playing on the Millionaire machine in the pub a few years back.

For once it's actually being quite generous and we're up to a fiver. Up comes the next question:

"Whose catchphrase was 'I'm Free!'?"

We all smile at each other in that smug way people do when the question is an obvious one and they're feeling all superior.

"I'll get this one." Says Tania, leaning forward and pressing the screen.

DUM DUM DUM!

"I'm Sorry" Says Chris Tarrant (on the machine obviously - he's not in the pub or anything) "Thats the wrong answer."

Tania, if you're reading this then i hope to god that you now know that Nelson Mandela did not walk out of prison after twenty odd years and, in front of a crowd of anti-apartheid protesters and half the world's press, say

"I'm free!"

In a camp voice.
(gluskap, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:45, Reply)

My ex
Was once bitching to me about how other cultures that have been introduced into britain are phasing out the original english culture (keep in mind that I'm Asian and she's white) So I asked her what her favourite take away was. Silly bitch replied 'Indian'
(newcustomerserviceteam, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Just reminded me.....
I have a friend (don't sound shocked) who loves all the stupid news stories in the Daily Sport, etc.

Think the headline "Hide and seek champion found dead in cupboard" and you get close!

Anyway, and I quote-
"i've just read about a woman who got pregnant by an animal, you know, that monkey!
The one that begins with M"

Were lost by now

"Koala, thats it"

Falls off chair, couldn't make it up!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:40, Reply)

Seasonal
Friend's Daughter, on seeing a lovely christmas tree in the corner of the room:
"That's not a real Christmas tree!"
Someone else: "Yes it is"
She: "No it's not - you've just been to the woods and chopped one down."

*slaps head, says 'Doh'*
( Spherix, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:37, Reply)

overheard
yeah yeah I'm an activist as well and a member of the anarchist party
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:36, Reply)

In a posh cafe with a mate (in her 40's) for lunch
The mate is a bit dense sometimes. Unfortunately the food was shite. On refusing to paying the bill, I told her we had to vote with our feet. She gave me that fixed smile for about 30 seconds, and said "Can you ?"

I had to spit out my gin and tonic and explain what the expression was.
( Tiggy the diver, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:35, Reply)

And now that I come to think of it...
My ex came out with a few corkers too. Such as;

- Asking "Why is the Jesus Star out? It's August!" Her mum had told her as a child that the Pole Star was the Star that the Wise Men followed to Bethlehem, and it could be seen every year at Xmas.
She was 24 when I disabused her of this notion.

- Saying, very loudly, in a crowded McDonalds Shitpit "What's a Thermo-Meter (pronounced as two separate words)"
(Light, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:35, Reply)

Tdub
My mental friend Doug, one of the fellow foreigners working in Japan, lives in Detroit, so we all invaded his parents' house for three weeks. But I'm even mentaller than wot he is, cos I went back there again recently. You're right, it's a shithole. But it's nicer than LA.
( thealternativefact, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:33, Reply)

On getting out of a car
at a country pub with my wife, bestfriend and his girlfriend.

There was a terrible wiff in the air and my mates girlfriend shouts out "is there a funny smell or is it me?"

We still take the piss now!
(Dirtyleeds, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:31, Reply)

Troy
Watching Troy with the wife at the South Edmonton Commons Odeon megaplex thingy.

Right at the end, Paris turns into Legolas and shoots Achilles in the foot. A girl sitting behind me says, in a loud voice:

"OH! Achilles HEEL!"

It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. Idiots...
(kiwanotree Meh, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:30, Reply)