My little brother said..
whilst climbing into his bunk bed, "this ladder takes to long to climb. Ill need a shorter ladder!"

In germany you would be a Blodder-Oaf, but here your just a thick lazy tosspot.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Gay abandon
I spent this Christmas at my parent's place and, as is customary at that time of year, was slumming it in front of the TV with various members of the family.

Idly flicking though the channels, up pops an advert for Tom Brown's Schooldays, picturing Stephen Fry with an assortment of young schoolboys.

At this my genius of a stepfather pipes up: "I bet Stephen Fry could hardly contain himself fliming that,"

Mildly confused, I wonder what he means. Of course, knowing my stepdad's tendancy to spout the most ignorant crap, I shouldn't have needed to ask.

"Well, he's gay, isn't he?"

"Erm, yes," I reply. "So...?"

He then proceeds to inform me that all gay men "fancy little boys" and reinforces this arguement by saying: "I went to boarding school, I should know."

Cue a tumbleweed-style silence and much jaw-dropping.

We turned over to the Vicar of Dibley.
(littlemissperfect, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:17, Reply)

On a school trip to westminster cathedral when I were a nipper...
we walked past the armour of Edward, the Black Prince. If you haven't seen it, it's a massive chainmail doublet topped off with a huuuuuuge knights helmet, replete with a jumping lion on top. Very regal. Quite impressive as well.

So there's these two American tourists behind me, and in the fuckwitted understatement competition of the year, they had this exchange:

"Gee. It must have been awfully hot in summertime."
"Yup. Especially with that hat."
(vertigo, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Apeloverage
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Fabulous, a good nonsensical argument really brightens up my day. I honestly can't think of a sensible reply, because that would require your post to have made any sense at all.
(SusK, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:55, Reply)

Suggestions for next week's question.
Wow! My own comments about religious fundamentalists aside, this thread is producing some strong emotions/unpleasant nonsense isn't it?

Can I suggest that next week's question is either:

'What's the most hideously smug thing you've heard recently?'

or:

'What rabid, incomprehensible angry gibberish have you heard recently?'

and we could just recycle this week's posts...
(scunnydelight, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:37, Reply)

The Mrs
After seeing the trailer for that film about Ray Charles, she asked me if he had led an interesting life. I replied "well he was blind for a start",

To which the immortal reply came, "really? I thought he was just being cool"!!!
I rest my case.
(Mr Neil, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:34, Reply)

Say wha huh Mr Aploverage
1. the only feller equating chav with nigger, pikey and other terms of racial abuse is, er, you.

2. I've been pulled up before (oo-er) over use of pikey, and you know what? I apologised. Because it's a term of racial abuse for an ethnic group, not, as with chav, a term of general abuse for people who choose to act in an antisocial manner.

3. This argument is boring as piss. Everyone who cares on this board disagrees with you. Everyone else is taking the piss out of you.

4. Leave it, Sharon, he's not worth it.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:32, Reply)

My GF is usualy brunet/red
but she did have this great blond moment

We were watching TV on our loverly 17 year old 28 inch TV 4:3, ie not wide screen, watching a movie that was in loverly 16:9 (widescreen).

me: (whistful tone) I wish we had a nice 42 inch wide screen TV, that way we wouldn't get the border.
gf: we dont need a new TV! jusy tape some card to the top and bottom of the screen and it'll make it into a wide screen TV.

She looked quite hurt when I finaly stoped laughing.
(timberwolf0122 is turkey volume guessing man! Guessing the volumes in terms of turkeys since, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:31, Reply)

Another logic puzzle
'Amusement' is the name of a type of behaviour and is not the sole preserve of any social group.

'Smug pedantic smartarsed little cockwasp' is a mildly derogatory term for a member of a particular social group; the sort of person who would overanalyse an enquiry as to what they'd like for dinner.

'Amusement' and 'pedantry' are used interchangably on this board, generally by the same people.

'Amusement' and 'pedantry' have an identical set of connotations to some on this board, including smugness, self righteous behaviour, lack of sense, and the implied attitude towards them from the person who write "Logic Puzzle" [example: the "Logic Puzzle" post is only funny because the guy's mimicking some sort of mutant offspring of the Modern Parents and Mr Logic].

Therefore 'amusement' is a way more acceptable response to this board because...?





(The answer is, of course, it's way more acceptable if you DON'T HAVE A PATHOLOGICAL NEED TO DEMONSTRATE YOUR LEARNED-BY-ROTE-FROM-SOCIALIST-WORKER FUCKING RIGHT-ONISMS. Prick.)

[edit] My word, going throughout January without any alcohol or caffeine intake has rather affected my mood...
(Light, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Silly scientist
An American scientist that I worked for had been burgled. Whilst back in the US his house had been almost stripped; every electrical item taken and the freezer half emptied.
He informed us that the culprits must have been "Dope smokers". Their insatiable munchies had lured them to his freezer, full of _frozen_ food. I guess the hi-fi and telly were an unexpected bonus to the hash pipe crazed junkies.

Actual culprits were a chav family known to the police. All the stolen goods were in their garage 5 miles from the crime scene, don't know if any of the food was left. (Chav as in urban white scum, not Gypsy, Didicoy or any other race/colour group)
(mrdirtylegs, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:16, Reply)

old corridor-mate
dogfish just reminded me of one of her blunders in the bakery. She was in there and saw that baps were on special offer, and being quite hungry wondered how large said baps were. So she asked the woman serving "How big are your baps?"
(sanity challenged, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:14, Reply)

The shame, the shame
This happened not to any chav, blonde, tourist, American or anything of the sort but to little old me. Not saying something stupid, more doing.

I had to plumb in a new washing machine a couple of years back. I undid the compete U-bend assembly beneath the kitchen sink, which meant that the plughole now drained into thin air. I emptied the skanky old water from the washing machine hoses & U-bend into a bucket, then poured it.... into the sink.

Water everywhere, all over me, the floor and everything in the cupboard beneath the sink. So, cursing myself for my sheer idiocy, I duly set about mopping up as best I could and wrung the remains into the bucket.

Which I poured into the sink.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:00, Reply)

We still tease him
Aeons ago, my family and I were playing Monopoly together. My brother, being very young at the time, was being helped by my Dad.

I took my go and landed on Piccadilly, which my brother owned. He hadn't noticed, so hinting, my Dad says "Piccadilly".

My brother replies "What's a Dilly?"
(Girly Gerard contrary to popular belief, the manliest man, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Waiting in the queue for the bar...
...I overheard the following exchange.

Girl: So what are you doing this summer?
Boy: Well, I'm planning to ride across America on my motorbike if I can raise the cash in time.
Girl: Are you sure it'll run on American petrol?

Should also mention said bar was in the Oxford student union. Crikey...
(jennymnemonic, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:54, Reply)

ignorance
Apeloverage, your arguments seem to be somewhat misplaced. Maybe we could make statements to match your already posted responses. It might all make a bit of sense then...

By the way, the term 'pikey' is a similar word to the word 'gypo' a nasty term for a certain type of traveller. 'Chav's' are viewed as more urban or even small town, but certainly not from a travelling back ground.
(summeraine28, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Safe
them chavvy niggers are well fuckin fick innit, coming over from china and nickin us jobs
(le renard, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Telewest... how i loved them
I have a lovely foreign last name, and have to spell it at least 500'000 times a day (more in the uk but nevermind)... anyway...

While trying to get this dumb bint at telewest to access my account I started spelling, j-i-r-

"wait, wait," she butts in "let's start again - so it's j like giraffe...
(chesty, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:43, Reply)

DUMB FRIEND
Every year, myself and a few close friends go on a European break for the weekend. Whilst deciding where to go last year, we settled on Berlin. One friend piped up "Good choice, I've never been to Russia"

For those that don't know Berlin is the capital of Germany! It doesn't stop there believe it or not! We told him where Berlin actually was and he fired back with the immortal words "I never did listen in History"

We gave up and went to Mallorca!!
(bigplums, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:40, Reply)

One time I was on a forum
And this guy was moaning that calling someone a chav was as bad as calling them a nigger.
( bloobloo, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Love is blind....deaf........and definately dumb.
My friend had a pen pal (yep, remember those? -before email), she was quite taken with him and told me all about him, only drawback was the following:

Friend: 'He calls his mum by a funny name!'
Me: 'What does he call his mum?'
Friend: 'Tongue'
Me: 'What?'
Friend: 'Yeah, she's Italian!'

I then read letter, it read:
'My mother tongue is Italian...'

-snigger-
(summeraine28, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:37, Reply)

logic puzzle
'Chav' is the name of a type of behaviour and is not aimed at a particular social group.

'Pikey' is a mildly derogatory term for a social group.

'Pikey' and 'chav' are used interchangably on this board, generally by the same people.

'Pikey' and 'chav' have an identical set of connotations on this board, including accent, behaviour, dress sense, and the implied attitude towards them of the people who use the term [example: "This 'definiton of chav' row am giving me a well bad headache innit" is only funny because the guy's mimicking a chavvy accent].

Therefore 'chav' is way more acceptable because...?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Ages ago...
The neighbor kid came to my house to hang out with my brother. They were in the kitchen as my mom was preparing dinner, and the kid was looking over my mom's shoulder into the roasting pan, which contained a large cooked turkey. The conversation went like this:

Kid: What's that?
Mom: That's a turkey neck.
(the kid keeps staring into the pan)
Mom: Are you staying for dinner?
Kid: Nah, I'm just looking for the other neck.

How many necks did he think a turkey had?
(emgee, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:33, Reply)

Rude ?
Waiting for a sandwich in the staff canteen.
Very attractive Asian girl serving.
"Can I help you?"
Guy in front of me- "Yes - do you have brown baps ?"

I smiled, she blushed, he shrunk.
( dogfish, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 14:03, Reply)

OK, not one of mine this time.
Mrs Throbbe used to be a PA for a big important doctor man (I don't think that was his official title).

One fine morning she had typed the letter that he had drafted and asked, "Do you want me to change the first line?"

"Why?"

"Well, I'm not sure you mean what you're saying."

"No, it looks fine to me." Signs letter.

Letter goes out to big important scientist man ...

"Dear Steve

I must start by apologising for the cock up my end. Unfortunately, blah blah blah ..."

Fnarr!
(Throbbe, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Among other things, I have convinced one particular friend that:
the Chinese have no vomit reflex;
a mouthful of jalapeno peppers is a cure for a sore throat (especially cruel, that one).
The thing is, she's actually very clever. I just have a knack for convincing people of ridiculous untruths . . .
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 13:56, Reply)

I used to know a girl
who when asked how the temperature is different at the top of a mountain, replied confidently, "Well it's obviously hotter - it's closer to the sun."
(brainchild, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Am I in the right room?
A friend of mine was on a course (something to do with computers), and the first subject of the day was "double entry". oo-er
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Wed 12 Jan 2005, 13:50, Reply)

We have a log book at work ...
... that details stupid office comments.

My favourite is from a meeting when my excited boss couldn't decide whether to say 'red hot' or 'shit hot' when describing a new project.

So instead he said 'hot red shit'.
(jimcrock, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 13:43, Reply)