Unlike ny G/Fs mum (see below)...
...my faux pas was just down to stupidity. Bear with me, it is worth it...
Before cars in the UK all had Catalytic Converters I had heard one imported from the USA which had a very broken "cat" fitted to it. It made a very distinctive rattling noise.
Fast forward a few years and cats have recently been made compulsory and I wander into the workshop of the Saab garage where I worked and all the staff are gathered around a customers car which is making a familiar (but only to me) noise. They're all scratching their heads and looking a little lost. Before my brain has a chance to take control my mouth has blurted out a phrase that it obviously thought had the right balance of technical knowledge and nonchalence, "haven't you lot ever heard a cat when it's fucked?" (About 18 months if you're wondering).
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 0:48, Reply)

Girlfriends mum is all but totally deaf...
to be fair the following make much more sense when you remember that most of what she "hears" is lip-read.
Didn't stop the family being amused by her references to "Grotto-blaster" radios and "Hunchback cars" though, to name just two examples of the hundreds I could choose from...
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 0:34, Reply)

last summer i worked at a music festival
as an usher. which meant having to deal with a several stupid people (who knew that they liked contemporary classical music?)
my two favorites were:

lady: excuse me, miss? could you tell me where row 1 is?

me: what? row 1 is over there, but it's closed off.

- my ticket says row 1

-let me see that. no, it says row 11

-no it doesn't! let me see that! where is the other 1?

-right there.

-oh.

on a different night i was put in charge of the windows, which meant being the sole possesor of the little twisty thingy that closes them, in case there was noise outside the auditorium. i was a bit miffed because a couple had come and sat in the row reserved for ushers, in my seat. a bit later the man got up and tried to shut the windows, and then came over to me and asked if there was any way to close them. i said no, i had the only handle, and i had to leave them open or the auditorium would get hot. having been explained this, he proceeds to not return to his seat, but rather go and TRY TO SHUT THE WINDOW AGAIN. giving up the second time, he finally returned to his seat, leaving me a bit angry yet entertained by his stupidity.
(sponch!, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 0:32, Reply)

Miniaturization
A co-worker (male) was explaining the swift turnover of computer technology to the wide-eyed new employee (female): "Ah, you're too young to remember the era of the eight-inch dics."
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 0:27, Reply)

tsunami....
I quote (apologies dave trouser)Tsunami after effects?
The other night, during the high winds, my girlfriend asked if we were "seeing the after effects of the tsunami".

Much belming followed

according to the news and the scientific mumbo jumbo, the force of the earthquake that caused the tsunami altered ever so slightly the axis of the earth, which means its entirely feasable according to some weather people that this storm could be indirectly related to the tsunami!
sorry for being a pedant, it wont happen again!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 13 Jan 2005, 0:07, Reply)

Lost phone...
...I dropped my ambulances mobile phone attending a car accident and didn't notice I'd lost it until later. I informed the emergency call center of the loss in case someone found it and called them (phone was clearly marked).
I get a call on the station phone at the end of my shift from a communications operator:
Comms op: "Someone found your phone. You dropped it at that car accident".
Me: "Thanks. Where is it?"
Comms op: "It got handed in to us."
Me: "I'll get someone from the next shift to pick it up."
Comms op: "You could have picked it up earlier when you were in the area you know."
Me: "I suppose, but I didn't know you had it."
Comms op: "Well I did phone you several times, but you never answered once did you?"
Me: "Phoned me? I was in the ambulance all day. What phone did you call?"
Comms op: "Duh! The mobile of course!"
Me: "What, the same one you are looking after for me?"
Comms op: "Oh...I wondered what that noise was."

I'm afraid this is par for the course with this comms op...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:55, Reply)

Mate of mine
Once told me that "I smoke like a fish"

spose its probably better than smelling like one...
(McFlu, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:36, Reply)

Kwik Save
I was in there for some basics, and saw some quite decent blue Stilton on offer. I popped a good-sized wedge into my basket. At the till, the girl picked it up, stared at it, and said:

"Eh, y'wann tek that back, s'all mouldy innit!"
(simon shitting mason, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:35, Reply)

learning about trees and ecology and stuff
in biology, a girl stuck up her hand to ask the teacher what "girth" meant, not particularly stupid, but had most of us sniggering
shame,
( bookerina, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:32, Reply)

my mate
is a tad gullible, I managed to convince him that because he had plug sockets without the on/off switch in his flat, he was leaking electricity and it was costing him 10p a day, my dad and all my other mates got in on this wind up, I felt I had to end it though when i overheard him on the phone to the electrician, 'Can you come and fit some new plug sockets with on/off switches to stop the electricity leaking?'
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:26, Reply)

Me today.
We were discussing how my new hat looks good as a compliment to a variety of ensembles.
"It's like a multi-purpose hat!" I decreed.
There was then a pause in coversation, which I decided to fill with:
"I don't wank in it."

Smooth.
( Malchick, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:15, Reply)

me, this evening, no alcohol involved, honest!
We popped in to see my mates girlfriend at the local where she works, and whilst there the conversation turned to Ikea, Nic (mates g/f) said she couldn't stand Ikea, but that she prefered real wood, like the old oak chest she got from her Grandfather which she sanded up, varnished it and now uses it to store her CD's..and as she was saying how nice it looked I agreed,'Yes Nic, you've got a lovely chest'...

whoops.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:12, Reply)

Not ignorance, but made me laugh
I'm an English teacher in a private school based on the continent, teaching French and Dutch people. I sometimes hear gems from students.

My favourite so far is:

Teacher: "So what's your favourite dessert?"

Student: "Chocolate arse-cream."
(Gone Native, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 22:27, Reply)

A couple
both, it must be said, Americans.

1) Accosted outside the entrance to the Botanical Gardens in Oxford, about five feet away from the sign which advertises that it is, in fact the Botanical Gardens, by an American couple asking me, in complete seriousness, "Can you tell us how to get to the Botanical Gardens?".

2) Overheard, in Oxford's High Street, a fellow local being asked by an American couple, "excuse me, could you tell us how to get to Oxbridge please?". I don't think telling them to work hard in their A-Levels would have helped: they were very definitely asking directions...
(badgertastic badgers are people too, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:58, Reply)

cheesey...
i was walking down a corridor at college, and heard someone mutter the immortal line;

"IF ONLY IT HAD BEEN REGULAR CHEESE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OK."

i DO NOT want to know the subject of the conversation...
(sweety, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:45, Reply)

My Aunt
Is a goldmine for great quotes:

“Two heavy bags of shopping aren’t light to carry”

- Once left a note on the kitchen table for her daughter saying, “If you haven’t got a key to get in the house, we’re in the pub”

- After getting a drink of sparkling fruit flavoured water from Mum – “Is that the water you get from your tap”

- Her comment on AIDS: “Some fecker sat on a toilet and brought that back with him”

In holiday in Cyprus commenting on how bright the moon was: "And they try to tell us that's the same moon we have in England!"

There's plenty more I'm sure
(deane1980 - I wasn't working at:, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:42, Reply)

On an aeroplane at 35,000 feet
the utterly exasperated mother of the child from hell in the seat behind me yelling

"Do you want to get off this aeroplane right now?"

Also, not so much dumb as incomprehensible...
yet another mother suffering with frayed nerves at the hands of her child, this time on a crowded bus, shouting
"You do that one more time and I'll put butter behind your knees again!"

Duh??
( dragonesque, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:34, Reply)

"its raining brass monkeys out here!"
on a particularily cold day

ignorance = win
( Iananan Formerly known as el-rodente, not that you care, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:29, Reply)

Dumb (and annoying) girl
Thinks you can get pregnant from givnig head

me: Rach, even if your mouth was attached to your womb in any shape or form, the enzymes in your saliva would kill the sperm

she still thinks its possible


sorry for the many posts... newbie tuesday struck, and i had too much stupidity dammed up

*shrugs*
( Iananan Formerly known as el-rodente, not that you care, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:25, Reply)

americans
there was me talking to these 2 american kids near lake tahoe, with a perfectly normal english accent and one says "so, where are you from? france?"

i said, "no.... England"

"wheres that?"

*i give up at this point, as this sint the first time they have been stupid, just the only time i can remember*

"near france"


Also, restaurant in france, dumb american AND a witty waiter

the american bird orders some croissants, the waiter brings them

"aww... but i wanted jam on!"

the waiter returns with said croissants, covered in ham

american doesnt get it


( jambon = ham ¬_¬)
( Iananan Formerly known as el-rodente, not that you care, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:22, Reply)

Some random idiot
#1: For every fatal shooting, there are roughly three nonfatal shootings. Folks, this is unacceptable in America, We're going to do something about it.

#2 I know how hard it is to put food on your family

#3 More and more of our imports are coming from overseas

#4 The problem with the french is that they dont have a word for entrepreneur

#5 Well, i think that if you say you are going to do something, and then dont do it, thats trustworthyness


edit: OH! i remember who it is! Bush :|
( Iananan Formerly known as el-rodente, not that you care, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:10, Reply)

There is no i in team
I used to work on this big software project. The project manager used to constantly come out with 'We must make sure we're all singing from the same hymn sheet' and similar bollocks.
As the project got deeper and deeper into the mire, the metaphors got more bizzare, eventually ending up with ---

"Make sure you're all shitting into the same sock".

That about sums up the final state of the project, too.
(ShiteMonger, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:02, Reply)

Anne
Anne: Ami gonna be safe on holiday?
Me: uh... where are you going?
Anne: Italy
Me: uh what you scared of, diseases in the water or something?
Anne: no, bombs, if we bomb iraq, some might miss and hit italy
Me: why? they cant have THAT bad aim
Anne: but italy is on the border of iraq isnt it?
Me: NO! for one thing, italy is in europe, and iraq is in asia
Anne: But asia is in europe isnt it?


Anne is also the girl who cut herself on a rounded doorhandle, how the fuck do you do that?
( Iananan Formerly known as el-rodente, not that you care, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:01, Reply)

Too real...
My ex-boss used to pride himself on his superior computer knowledge as he used to be the manager of an electrical shop. He bought some PC mag, and told us all excitedly that they'd invented an electrical node that made it possible to input information directly into the brain. Apparently, a cleaning lady had been tought fluent Spanish in 2 hours.
Being a killjoy, a told him to look at the date...but you know, it was after 12pm on April 1st so the joke was on the mag.
We laughed at the mag for hours.
He was the boss.
(spida, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 21:00, Reply)

Christ almighty
Being a battle re-enactor of many years, you get to hear some of the best ones from the public........

'Did they have babies/fruit/meat/leather etc. in the 17th century'?



Mancunian...'What's that'? pointing at a 16 foot long sharpened weapon

Tony (one of our lads) 'It's a pike'

Mancunian...'What's that one'?

Tony....'That's a Halberd'

Mancunian..'Why are all your weapons named after fish'?




An American tourist was watching one of our lot (a carpenter) bashing a few nails into some timber.....

'Gee, they didn't have nails in the 17th Century, i read it in a book back home'.

'Sorry love, i think you'll find they had nails a long time before that'.

'Really? How do you know?.

'You think they tied Jesus to the fucking cross?!!

Exit one know it all tourist.
(vamp1refrog, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 20:24, Reply)

Just now, on MSN.
Discussing which bus to get to college tomorrow.

Me: Actually, will be getting the bus a little before 9...the 8:51
Friend: so the quarter to nine one

He can't even blame a time delay because he definitely read it. Spacker.
( Malchick, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 20:03, Reply)

Dear old Mum
On the Circle line, westbound, I think:

Mum: "Oh no! We're going the wrong way!"
Me: *spaz noises*
(underachiever, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:58, Reply)

apeloverage
That must be the stupidist thing I have ever heard.

Obviously there is a very repressed social worker out there with a new computer and too much time on their hands.

Anyway 'nough said
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:58, Reply)

My law teacher
was today laughing at the ridiculous fictional cases that the exam boards come up with for the exams, normally basing them around soap characters and the like. She brought up the example of one paper giving "Baldrick has been arrested on suspicion of stealing turnips."
A student who sits to the left of me pipes up "HAS HE?" We laugh at her and explain that it's just a hypothetical case, and a ridiculous one at that. Teacher continues speaking...
3 minutes later, the same student chips in "So he didn't do it, then?"
We explain that he's a fictional character from Blackadder and so he couldn't possibly have done it.
The chav-tastic girl next to her then contributes "oh, I've seen that, it's got that Mr Bean bloke in it but he's someone else..."

Pillocks.
( Malchick, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:32, Reply)

On a Train....
Old lady1: What have we got for dinner tonight Glenda?
Old Lady2: um, I think we've got some nice quiche.
Old lady1: Oh, That'll be nice.
Old lady2: Yes, Do you reckon we could eat the whole quiche?
Old lady1: Oh, I don't know Gleda. Maybe we could I'm quite hungery. Are you Hungary?
Old lady2: Yes, I think I could. Think we should have the whole quiche?
Old lady1: Oh I don't no. It's quite alot though, maybe we shouldn't, save some for tomorrow.
Old lady2: Yes, save some for tomorrow.
Old lady1: Think we should have half the quiche? Could we manage half a quiche?
Old lady2: Do you think we could eat half the quiche.
Old lady1: Yeah, I think we could eat half the quiche.
Old lady2: It is quite alot of Quiche.
Old lady1: Think we could eat half.
Old lady2: Looks a lovely quiche.

Left train at this point, could have gone on forever though this conversation....F**king Quiche!
( BindiBaji, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 19:14, Reply)