What sort of lizard likes tossed salads
A skink
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 13 Apr 2023, 9:03, Reply)

Which type of reptile looks at a computer screen?
Monitor lizard!
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Wed 12 Apr 2023, 9:11, Reply)

Lizards in the Western Pyrenees like to be alone when lying in the sun.
- Really?

- Yes. They are bask separatists.
( hagbardsapple no dialogue with twunts, Tue 11 Apr 2023, 13:53, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

I walked into a bar
and got disqualified from the limbo competition.
(CleverLittlePIg, Wed 5 Apr 2023, 21:35, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

I went to use my drill and a juggling robot suddenly appeared to help me
It threw me a bit
( Dick Wonder ₐ wₒₙₖy, wₐᵥy wₒₙdₑᵣ, Thu 30 Mar 2023, 21:48, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

I'm giving a presentation over a streaming service about an app based on using spanish football tactics in noughts and crosses
It's a tiki-taka tic tac toe tech tiktok ted talk
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 30 Mar 2023, 4:21, 11 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

I dropped a tomahawk on my car
It was an accident
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 22 Mar 2023, 3:13, 9 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

They say the hospice industry is booming, but my business failed.
They foreclosed on my bottling plant and I had to sell the whole stable of hosses.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Mon 20 Mar 2023, 21:14, Reply)

The lead singer of 5ive has an idea about how to develop his large area of land,
but at the moment it's just an Abz tract concept.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Thu 16 Mar 2023, 8:59, Reply)

What do call it when your goldfish refuses to come out from under the fake aquarium coral?
Carpal tunnel syndrome
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 15 Mar 2023, 0:41, Reply)

Which German-French multinational company that produces baking goods is a sworn enemy of Spider-Man?

Dr. Oetkerpus!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Mon 13 Mar 2023, 8:48, Reply)

Tattoo
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for an impressionist scene all the way from my shoulders to my waist and paid them £500. The artist worked tirelessly for hours. When I looked in the mirror I was appalled to find they had inked Edvard Munch's The Scream. I said I wasn't happy and I wanted my back Monet.
(CleverLittlePIg, Wed 8 Mar 2023, 21:31, Reply)

A man walks into a Bar.
Ms Refaeli says "fucking hell, either you're tiny or my cunt got really slack."
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 15:59, 9 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Thomas the Tank Engine rolls into a bar...
The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're steaming already."

(Apologies etc, my kids loved making these up with me)
( Araucaria is such a tit, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 14:00, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

what do dogs like best about trees?
bark
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 6:58, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Why did the eagle stop picking on the baby ducks?
He was worried it would be seen as punching down!
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Wed 1 Mar 2023, 20:18, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What is the job title of the person responsible for ensuring the correct dimensions of soon-to-be-deceased actor Tom Sizemore's crypt?

Tomb Sizer!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Tue 28 Feb 2023, 11:45, Reply)

Why does Paul Hollywood only make bread while watching classical Japanese theater?

( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Tue 28 Feb 2023, 4:37, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What do you call the largest alpha ocelot?
The Magnum O-puss
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 24 Feb 2023, 0:18, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Which Irish harbingers of death deliver Sean Connery's diabetes medication?
The Banshees of Inshulin.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 8:12, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Which Japanese superhero loves cheese?
Parme-san
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 7:06, Reply)

Who wrote Last of the Waxed Mohicans?
James Fannymore Cooper
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 3:06, Reply)

What do you use to count your money, money, money?
An abbacus.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 22 Feb 2023, 21:44, Reply)

Which sandwich filling is barely audible?
Murmur-lade
( Turtle Power & Knuckles, Mon 20 Feb 2023, 23:25, 5 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What's Boba Fett's favourite meat based motor?
The Spam DeLorean
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sun 19 Feb 2023, 20:25, Reply)

AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
I cheated on my wife with her sister. She suspected something was going on, but I managed to gaslight her so successfully that she killed herself. lol!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Fri 17 Feb 2023, 10:58, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

The arms of which 19th century British philosopher rotate when it's windy?
John Stuart Mill
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 14 Feb 2023, 0:00, Reply)

Why did the naughty little yellow bird keep eating mother's yeast?
Because it had a canereal disease
( gub~gub feeling great at GMT-8, Sun 12 Feb 2023, 3:39, Reply)