Dopey asians
In Singapore people just don't fucking look where they're going - they seem absolutely oblivious to the fact that they're in my way, or that they're walking into me like I didn't exist.

The first few weeks I cared enough to worry if they were getting hurt, when they managed to have their chin get in the way of my shoulder as it was attached to a purposefully-striding Airbiscuit.

Now I just don't give a fuck about the dopey cunts. If they choose to disregard everything going on that's not within a 3ft radius of themselves, then I can't trouble myself to walk down the street weaving in and out to get out of everyone's way.
(airbiscuit last dropped a meaty one in the lift on, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:41, 1 reply)

The only person I have on ignore...
... is Jolly Jack. I would prefer not to see the endless Nazi jokes, mong "jokes", thalidomide jokes on /board; but JJ is the only b3tan who's provoked me to do more than tut inwardly to myself. He's the only one from whose stuff I actively protect myself.

OK: I know that he's very, very talented, and that a lot of people whose judgement I normally trust think he's great. But, by jingo, his stuff annoys me far more than it ought. Why? Because it's so vanilla. Because it's so complacent: the characters in his stories are mysteriously comfortable types whose primary concern is computer games and comics (for fuck's sake). It's the cartoon equivalent of Friends, or Anglican coffee mornings, or magnolia paint. Insipid, complacent, complaisant, vapid, bourgeois nonsense.

But I know he shouldn't anger me so.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:33, 4 replies)

People shortening my name
It makes me all kinds of livid this. I loathe it. People -on emails generally- just presuming to change my fucking name. See that signature at the bottom? That's my name that it, that's what I call myself. Try replying with that, you cuntbubble.

That and people eating when I'm on the phone, I tend to say "Sorry, terrible reception" and hang up. How about you finish grazing on your kit-kat before you pick up the phone.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:31, 1 reply)

Someone is always worse/better off than you
What I mean:
'I've got Flu, been pretty bad'
Other Person: 'Ooh that's nothing, I've got Terminal Cancer and going to die tomorrow'
It doesn't matter what illness/or anything else that's happening, they've either got it so much worse or so much better than you, and take great delight in going on about themselves for the next few hours. Had to endure this the other week whilst meeting relatives of the in laws, couldn't even drink to dull the pain of ringing eardrums as I had to drive home.
And Chavs, I imagine this has been well covered before, but living in South East London where I get to endure these foul mouthed, shit for brained no good cunts every day, they really need to be taken out of society. Ideally with a Shotgun. The wife's friend is currently seeing a perfect example of a Chav, I have to bite my tongue, otherwise my Baseball Bat would be in his face. His boy has been excluded from School so many times the Guinness World of Records have been in touch.
And last thing, French cars, they should come with a white flag as standard, mine is always giving up on me. Fucking pile of shit. Can't even get rid of it, owe too much to the Finance Company because it's worth fuck all.
(networker Cheese and Ham sandwich please, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Oh and....
People who wont wear wedding rings!

I mean to say, I am paying for his fecking wedding and he wont wear a ring?!!!11one

/thinks this must still be April 1st surely?
/thinks why is this news?
/thinks why is the BBC turning in to Hello! ?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:31, 2 replies)

People who eat noisy things at the movies
I still don't understand how the mindless eating of crap enhances the theatregoing experience. The stuff on sale is revolting, it costs 796% of the average retail price, and it's all either incredibly crunchy and noisy, or wrapped in something incredibly crunchy and noisy. I didn't pay the price of a ticket to listen to you perpetually grazing fucktards mumbling your way through a cellophane bag of shrapnel.

First to die in the righteous purge will be those who deliberately WAIT through the adverts and previews, and then giddily unwrap their choc-top or whatever just as the main feature begins. They've been teasing themselves, you see... teasing and torturing themselves, and now comes the reward for their infinite patience and abstemious longsuffering. You'll get to hear this particular type of quasi-bulimic twat consuming the cacophonous sweetmeat with excruciating, almost pornographic, slowness and care for a full half of your film.
(lonelybadger, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:12, 1 reply)

this is a bit specialised but
Steampunks, Victorian cosplayers and the general dressing up brigade who now infest the Whitby Goth Weekend. How the fuck they think they have anything to offer the Goth scene, other than misrepresent Goths in the wider media, is beyond me.

Oh and I forgot the exceptionally bad trannys, some of whom take dressing like a teenage thai prostitute, despite being a 48 year old 6ft muscle bound hairy docker, to new and frightening heights

Some say "each to their own" and that they are all harmless. I say "Fuck Off, stop passing yourself of as goths, or I will subject you to some Alien Sex Fiend"
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 9:12, 8 replies)

Hypocrites.
Lazy interwebs forum users who
- use "@" for "at" - it's still 2 fucking key-presses you lazy pricks.
- use "&" for "and" - had my way all you bastards would have to type "ampersand".
- using "1" for "one, "2nd" for "second" etc.
I am guilty of all of these transgressions & many more.
Based on title alone, I bet this hasn't ended where you thought it might.
Absolutely SFA self-loathing.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 8:49, Reply)

Monopoly
People who think Monopoly is a good board game. There are SOO many better games out there (Carcassonne, Ticket to Ride, Alhambra). One of the problems with monopoly is most people "think" they know the rules; but they all play a variant with house rules (Fines go on Free Parking etc). This makes a game of player elimination drag on, as the mechanics are altered to STOP player elimination.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 8:45, 8 replies)

But is this irrational?
I have a few hates:
I hate people wearing sunglasses when talking to me. I want to scream in their face, "I cannot see your face properly please take your sunglasses off, you might as well be wearing a bhurka. Also, while you are at it, don't chew chewing gum whilst talking to me."

But these are quite rational hates aren't they?

I also have an irrational hatred of telephones. I wont answer a phone unless I can screen someone on my answer machine, find out who they are, what they want and then I pick up. (Mother knows this. "Hello Spit, It's mum here..are you there?") If I am out and they leave a message I don't pick up the message because this is just like taking a call.

I text a lot. Texting is fine.

I occasionally get caught out and answer the phone like a rational person but it's usually bad news, someone wanting me to do something for them, or a cold caller. I don't get on with cold-callers.

I now feel strangley calm and relaxed having this out in the open. Thank you Dr b3ta for your time.
( spitsticker is not working on, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 8:37, 8 replies)

Movember
I hate you. I hate you with a deep passion.

I hate you because of all the smug looking people walking round with face furniture that says 'look at me, aren't I wacky yet worthy, worship my benevolent humour'. Fotr an entire month, none of you can quite manage to surpess that little upturn of smug self satisfaction at the corner of your mouths when you look at people.

I hate you because of your stupid, annoying, meaningless name. Changing one letter of a word doesn't make a valid portmanteau. And, also, 'Movember'...it tells you nothing. You put it on a poster and it just looks like bad proofreading.

I hate you because I get sent weekly updates of how people are looking in ever increasingly zany pictures of pointing at each others top lips and gurning and wearing sombreros, culminating in you dressed as the village people or Borat Mankinis (by the way, anyone who has ever put on a mankini in the absence of an actual sense of humour should be shot. No argument).

I hate you because you have the arrogance to co-opt a whole month to your cause. one twelth of a year. 30 full days. Between you and Black History Month that only leaves 10 months for the rest of us. And I'd quite like to claim April, if you don't mind.

I hate you when you end, because people start telling you things that you don't want to know like 'At last, my wife will have sex with me again'. Or say things that they don't mean like 'Actually, i think I'll keep it'. (You won't, because then what would you do to get your annual month of attention and adulation next year? Grow your arsehair into combover?)

I hate you because you inspire 'whacky', 'humourous' ideas like shaving your tache into the shape of a question mark.

But most of all, above all else, first and foremost, I hate, detest and loathe you with every screaming fibre of what remains of my humanity because when I grow a moustache I look exactly like Tobias Funke's gayer younger brother.

Die, Movember, Die.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 8:07, 8 replies)

Begging the question...
...is NOT "asking the question".
(CMYK Excess consumption may have a laxative effect, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 7:24, Reply)

Grrr..
Bluetooth headsets. Make me want to cave your skull in.
Guys who wear sandals. Especially in the winter. Why???
Them fish stickers on the back of cars.
People who wear a hat whilst driving. Unless its a convertible, that's acceptable.
(kilt101, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 7:11, 6 replies)

Unspeakable dog noises.
I really hate the chomping, slurping noise the dog makes while cleaning her fanny when she's in season.
( 4Q just lurking, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 7:09, 1 reply)

Elphaba.
That green thing just does my head in. And the bit where Galinda does 'Popular' makes me shudder when she puts the flower in Elphaba's hair. *grimaces*
(nolongernuts, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 4:10, 3 replies)

As a waitress, when people sit on the ONLY dirty table available
It sends me into a completely irrational rage. I bitterly clear the dirty dishes for people while making pointed apologies about how there's so much stuff in their way and saying with barely concealed sarcasm that I 'hope they don't mind waiting for me to get a cloth to wipe the table down', all the while imagining how good it would feel to slap them on their silly little heads.

What makes this the most irrational of all though is that I completely understand why people do it and as a customer have often seen some messy table and thought 'Oh that one looks perfect!' before plonking myself down, smiling as a waitperson with a strangely fixed smile and twitching eye comes over to clear it for me...
(Mr._F is not actually a man- this username is a lie!, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 4:00, 3 replies)

Bigotry
And Jews.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 2:41, Reply)

For free
No. Something can be 'free', or 'for nothing'.

Now fuck off
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 2:20, 2 replies)

Hot Coffee
I hate the sound of pouring hot coffee. Hot tea is OK, and cold coffee too, but that hot coffee brings out the worst lassitude attitude. Plus, it scalds. And it reminds me of mustaches. It's just the worst.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:51, 4 replies)

Say what you like about Hitler...
...he killed a lot of Jews.
(lestergunn ...hot holes o' heat..., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:36, Reply)

Blimey.
Suddenly reading through some of this bilious vitriol I feel quite normal and well- adjusted. Cheers guys!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:23, Reply)

Drivers
Selfish, boorish, fucktards to a man.
(Monchberter Can't go wrong with Doom, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:20, 2 replies)

People who pronounce the word 'ask' as 'arcs'
Why would you replace a perfectly understandable verb with a plural form of a noun that means either a section of a circle, or a form of biblical ship???
(sbtoronto, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:19, 3 replies)

People who think I give a fuck about their irrational hatred.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:08, 1 reply)

People who
don't know the difference between there and their.

It was drummed into me at junior school. Its not hard.
(Bitter and Twisted, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:03, 3 replies)

Dear annoying brain-absent patronising cuntwomble of a boss
Learn to say the fucking word 'specific'.

It's not 'Pacific','Peciffick','syffick' or any other fucking way you mangle it you retarded pissweasel.

It's three fucking syllables you pathetic failed abortion, all of which you can perfectly pronounce in other words so I'm starting to think you do it to piss people off. I think you think (if you can think) that it sounds cute. It doesn't. It makes you sound mentally deficient in a 'when is she going to stop smiling, smiling, smiling and rocking backwards and forwards while desperately clutching her knees in case they randomly fall off' sort of way.

In fact outside work, I bet you use the word 'ickle' when you mean little. You're over 50 for fuck's sake, that ceases to be cute the instant you reach your eighth birthday or lose your virginity, whichever is the sooner.

Please stop it now or I will kill you with hammers or gas you like badgers.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:49, 2 replies)

I hate..
...newspapers or magazine headlines that use puns, or some kind of old-fashioned, outdated saying, instead of writing an actual proper headline that sums up the article. I'm talking about shite like "If the Cap fits..." "if you want to get ahead, get a hat" (why are there so many about headwear?), or another favourite "have bike, will travel" aaarhgh no-one knows what you're talking about any more you cackwizards AAGHRRHAA

Also, women joggers. they're so goddamn worthy, with their fucking fleeces and big shit-eating grins, like they're doing something so fucking amazing, and some mate they've dragged along, "OOoohh, it will be fun" yeah I don't fucking think so.
And, women who can't do anything or go anywhere by themselves. Like go to the toilet, go shopping, buying food, go to the library, take a fucking jog, fucking breathing air and walking upright, shit, how dependent and feeble are you?
People who wear no socks with skinny jeans/trousers and some faggy loafers.
People who wear a stupid hat in lieu of an actual personality.
Women who do 'duck-face' in pictures, or ever. It looks incredibly fucking skanky and drops your perceived IQ by 100 points.
People who combine 2 words that already mean similar/the same thing, like 'guesstimate' or the worst: 'chillax'....ffuuuuuuuuuu
Wome who wear dull, unimaginative slutty fancy dress costumes, like 'slutty cat'.
People who shout shit out of cars/honk the horn at you, just to make you turn around/jump, get a life, or fuck off and die, seriously.
People who say 'expresso' instead of espresso'.
Pacific/specific, li-berry, etc etc.
Gay men who talk in that affected, Julian Clary old-lady voice. It's creepy.
People who try and force 'fun' on you on a friday night by yelling in your face/grabbing and shaking you if you do not appear to be having as much fun as you apparently should be. If I want to sit here with my pint and people-watch, let me be. Or I'll kill you with a lawnmower.

Rubbish trannies who are trying to 'pass' but haven't bothered to shave.

Orange tans, pashminas, Ugg boots, playsuits, mens t-shirts with massive v-necks, hair extensions, harem pants, and anything with sequins.
Aaaand I might be done. For now.
(Ryuken-Kai, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:34, 9 replies)

My mate says
'Much' too much.

"I've done that so MUCH times"

Twat.
(Voodoo-Child16 Pissed in their Champagne on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:31, Reply)