At school
some rather thuggish chap decided to steal my calypso drink. Well being quite fond of my lime flavored bleach i protested and received a fist in my mouth for the trouble.
At the time i was wearing braces so as you can imagine his hand was in quite a state, but on top of that i got a free drink and he got to have stitches , karma tastic!
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 16:12, Reply)

Karma
Finished a 4 month relationship on a Friday...

I am drunk after work, she turns up late, I cancel the restaurant, bored of her anyway and finish the relationship. Right outside London Bridge Station, left her standing clutching the 180 quid which i "owed" her.

Following Wednesday she tells me she is pregnant.

Following Saturday she tells me she is keeping it.


Now thats KARMA eh!


dare34: Populating the world with every stroke
(dare34 group hug?, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 16:06, 4 replies)

does this count?
we get hungover.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:58, 7 replies)

New Years Eve
I got drunk at 4pm celebrating British New Year (we're 8 hours behind), which really really pissed my husband off as we were supposed to go out that night. After a rather unpleasant argument, I passed out on the couch and woke up at 2am.

At 4am New Years Day, I got an email from my dad telling me he's got cancer, 3 weeks later I have a bad fishing related accident, the day after that my husband kicked me out, on Saturday I found out my dad is terminal, and mum was rushed into hospital yesterday with cancer related renal failure and only has a few days to live.

Fucking karma.

Edit: My beautiful, sweet, dear mum passed away at 11.15pm California time (last night)/7.15am UK time (this morning)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:57, 13 replies)

Instant Karma
On a regular route of mine there is a duel carriageway that goes down a steep hill with an island at the bottom.

The left hand lane is for straight on and the right hand lane for right only as the road becomes single lane after the island.

This is all clearly marked for the benefit of everyone to see.

Except for some twat in his 'alpha' (yar).

He proceeds to cut me up from the right hand lane and causes me to brake hard to allow him thru MY exit.

I was heading toward Jct4 of the M5 at the time, which I did every day. Consequently I know the route like the back of my hand.

The incident happened about 4 miles from the junction so as a result alot of cat and mouse occured en route.

I was really wound up by this fucker and his noncholant attitude.

Until we hit 'sandy lane' a nice long straight road of dual carriageway proportions.

I took better momentum off the island and my battered 2.0l veccy overtook him with a passenger window 2 fingered salut. This was then followed by him sitting on my tailgate while I deliberately slowed by arctics to slow his progress.

It was at this point when I noticed the lorry coming the other way was flashing his lights.

I clocked immediately that it meant the mobile 'safety camera partnership' van was setup around the next bend where coincidently it turns into single lane again.(Did I mention I know this route!!)

Now I must point out that the road does not actually narrow, but it turns 1 lane due to over zealous H+S officials etc painting white no go lines on the tarmac to artificially narrow it.

I keep on a go slow until the 100 yard marker for single lane then pull over.

He cogs it down and roars past me sensing his victory. He then decides to overtake the waggon in front but runs out of space and has to ride the white no go zig zags to get out of trouble.

All this IN FRONT of the running camera!!!

I really hope they did him for 6 points.

Judging by the look on his face at the next set of lights I rekkon a clean pair of keks was in order.

I have never laughed so hard in my life. right in his face too.

Cocky twat.

Got exactly what he deserved.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:56, Reply)

Not good, not good at all.......
My friend Nick was always having car trouble - breakdowns, wouldn't start, unlimited quantities of Anusol oozing out of the heating vents while voices chanted "Lick it! Lick it, Spawny One", that sort of thing.

Anyhoo, Whilst shopping in the Budapest district of Milton Keynes, I happened upon a small shop selling second hand wares. On closer inspection they had what appeared to be a tin full of magic powder specifically designed to help people having car problems. A warning however stated that this powder would only work for those of a good natured disposition, or a kindly bent.

I took it home and showed it to my friend, who could not grasp its purpose at all.

"For goodness sake!" I said, "Of course it'll repair your ailing vehicle. It's a ......."



Wait for it..... I bet you saw it coming.....




"Karma Can Nick!"


Do you see they level to which you have reduced me, you oily fools!
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:53, 3 replies)

Non-funny answer.
And here is karma in her unpleasant form.

Those who have met me can tell you that I have a definite fondness for good beer and the occasional bit of scotch. However, I think all of them will tell you that I don't take it to excess- I rarely get drunk, and when I do I get progressively quieter until I fall asleep. But I do, as a rule, have a few beers each evening.

My ex, the Nurse From Hell (NFH for short), came from a family where alcohol was a definite problem- her father was rather notorious in the area surrounding the city of my birth, and was often a very nasty drunk. Consequently I can see why NFH has issues regarding drinking- but she used to tell me all the time what an alcoholic I am, based on my habit of having three or four beers over the course of an evening. I listened to constant sniping over this for seventeen years until we separated.

When I left I felt like a prisoner freed at last from a gulag, and after a few months began to date. NFH found out about this and, according to my kids, went truly mental. She immediately began buying new clothing, bleached her hair blonde, started going to the tanning beds every week, going out with her friends to sing karoke, got a tramp stamp (also known as a slag tag or ass antlers), and generally behaved like a stereotypical dumped and divorced woman in middle age trying to regain her twenties. It didn't take long for her to find someone to move in with her- and this is where karma starts getting interesting.

Medallion Man (MM for short) looked rather like something from a 70s porno the first time I saw him, hairy chest with a heavy gold chain showing in his unbuttoned shirt. He had initially asked NFH if he could leave his SUV and some of his stuff at her place, while he went away for a few months. It turned out that he had been thrown out of his apartment by his girlfriend and was being sent to jail for having too many DUI charges.

When he emerged he sold the SUV as his license had been revoked- permanently, I think- and started doing odd work for contractors, installing sheet rock. He sort of drifted along, never employed by anyone for any length of time, and continued drinking a lot. My kids said that he was actually a nice enough guy and didn't mistreat them, so I'll give him some credit- and apparently he also got NFH to calm down a little, so she wasn't as much a shrieking harridan as she had been. That being said...

I know of at least one occasion when MM disappeared for a week or two after a major fight with NFH. He also insisted on driving himself home from a Christmas party after having another major fight with NFH at the party, and was found in the driveway in her car, passed out behind the wheel after parking sideways. I told NFH in no uncertain terms that he was not ever to drive any of my children anywhere under any circumstances, and if he did I would report it immediately to the police.

And then karma did a reverse roundhouse kick to the jaw. Apparently after much haranguing by NFH he stopped drinking, but unknown to her he took up an old habit that he had had problems with in the past. One morning last spring he was riding in the work van on the way to a job site and complained of feeling tired and fell asleep as they rode. The driver stopped at a convenience store for coffee and something to eat, and when he returned to the van he found MM slumped over and blue. He dialed 911 and started CPR, but it was too late- MM was already brain dead. The opiates he had taken caused an aneurysm in his skull, which stopped his heart and his breathing. He was hooked up to the ventilator so his tissues were still alive- but he was gone at that point.

I was present through much of this as I took the kids up to the hospital in northern Virginia where he was. I saw the kids say goodbye to him, and heard the doctors talking to NFH about MM's wish to be an organ donor. Apparently he had been exposed to hepatitis due to intravenous drug use in his youth, and the opiates had done other damage so all they could save were his kidneys. NFH being a Catholic, she was not at all happy about any of this- but she went through with it, and was present when they took him off of life support just before taking the kidneys.

I never would have wished any of this on her, no matter what, of course. But I still find it highly ironic, considering her attitude toward me...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:49, 6 replies)

several years ago an old boyfriend....
...split up with me only to immediately get together with his work mate who he'd clearly been seeing whilst I was back home for the summer.

so i pissed in his hair gel.

Sometimes you make your own karma ; )
(It'sLikeHerdingCats, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:45, 2 replies)

My mum, God bless her....
On her 3rd husband and numerous boyfriends inbetween.... and so the karmic balance is restored by her oldest daughter, me!

Only reason I can think of why I can't get laid.
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:44, 13 replies)

Vomit story
When I was a wee nipper in primary school there were always kids that were either more well off or just spoiled. One such girl in my school was Amanda, she always showed up at school with a bag of sweets. Did she share any? did she buggery!

Anyway one morning we were all standing in Assembly listening to our old headmaster talking about something or other and all of a sudden Amanda had this odd look about her, no doubt she knew exactly what was going to happen next but people around her didn't.

She put her hand up to her face and proceeded to spew between her fingers. It came out in rivulets of sweets and other syrupy liquid. The kids around her parted like the Red Sea and she was left standing in a ground zero of her own pukey goodness.

That, friends, is what you get for not sharing your sweeties with others!

Length? about 3 feet radius I'd guess.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:41, 1 reply)

Psychosomatic illnesses
On the very very rare occasions I have thrown a "sickie", I have tended on the day itself to develop the symptoms I have called in with. My mind might be quite happy telling the lie, the body on the other hand isn't letting me get away with it.
I have invented a dentist's appointment this Monday which lets me work from home as frankly commuting is killing me - so I expect to break a tooth over the weekend and be on Novocaine by then. I'll update this and let you know whether this proves to be the case.
Damn you, Karmic wheel !
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:40, 3 replies)

Last week
It was cold and wet...perfect conditions for driving, but I had to leave the comfort of my home to run a necessary errand. I was sitting at a red light at a major intersection and the light governing my forward progress turned from red to green, encouraging me to move forward on my journey. A car from a perpendicular road decided that his light turning red meant 'Speed Up and Make your 90 degree turn!"

As I saw him accelerating through the light I was very angry. It's a violation of traffic laws to run a red light and just as he began to initiate the turn, a 90 degree turn at that, his car lost grip on the road and he ended up turning 270 degrees, ending up on the median strip facing the opposite direction of his intended direction of travel!

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to have an accident myself. The best part? He had his window down and as I drove past, I had time to drop MY window and laugh, hysterically at him. He heard it too!

Justice! And Karma!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:36, 1 reply)

Old friends visiting.
Having moved to a warm climate abroad, and somewhere which is a nice place to come on holiday. Ive suddenly found that I have many friends back home in the cold. Friends of friends and people I havnt heard from for ages, have all been eyeing up a nice opportunity for a cheap holiday in the sun. All under the premise of coming to see me, as friends.


My latest visit was from an old friend. Lets call her C, for a c*nt that she was. She had been before during the summer, and I spoiled her rotten and all was well. Now this is a purely plutonic relationship as she has a boyfriend, Whom im good mates with.

C eyes up a cheap flight in January, the height of winter. I warned her that the place is a ghost town in the winter. Its not hot, theres no tourist attractions open. Its out of season. But mesmorised by a cheap flight, a cheap holiday and winter sun, this fell on deaf ears. When its 2C in england and I say its 15C here, people get visions of sunbathing on beaches. 15C is not warm!

C bring boyfriend out this time, which would have been fine.. Except they are having some relationship issues. Coming on holiday together simply heightened the problem. He was just doing everything he could to apease her and keep the peace. But that didnt stop her slamming doors, shouting and screaming, creating an atmosphere and making life uncomfortable for everyone else.

Despite her being my friend and him just the boyfriend. I found myself sympasthising with him. She was in spoilt brat mood. She was annoyed that it was only 15C outside, she winged when it rained and couldnt believe the pool wasnt open! When faced with trying any of the local delights food wise, she literally spat it out infront of the waiter. And then got in a huff when they had no WKD Blue and Smirnoff Ice! She was your typical british tourist, headed straight for the english places and wasnt happy anywhere else.

Personally if you have the pleasure of going to stay with soemone who lives abroad. It gives you an opportunity to get away from the tourist traps a little bit and live like a local. Afterall, thats one of the main reasons for travelling isnt it? Not for her. Nothing was good enough.

I took them into the hills to a nice village to walk around. Was a bit touristy but its hidden, and its not somewhere the tour busses go. Its a "Youve got to know it place" Well she winged and moaned around that too. Despite telling her it was in the mountains, she wore high heel shoes and was in pain which caused everyone else pain.

We had organised a night out, she didnt want to go saying she had a stomach ache, meaning that her boyfriend couldnt go either. So they decided to have a night in.. yes at my expense. Got home to find 3 bottles of wine open with only a sip taken out of each one! No tops put on them or anything.. they were basically wasted. It wasn't him, it was her. I was at the point where she would just so get on my nerves. Half way through the week, I was tempted to kick her out. I couldnt even get on my own computer. I told her to bring her laptop but she didn't bother.

At last the time came for them going home. I didn't even bother going into the airport with them. Just dropped them off at the door and headed home. Good riddance.

So the karma? Well as well as loosing a good friend, her boyfriend dumped her when they got back home. Then she got fired from her job as well. She has taken it really really hard too. Yet still, somehow I'm the one to blame and she wants an apology off me for not acting like a good friend! Havn't exchanged contact with her now for months.
(Miggyman, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:36, 5 replies)

He's a believer
I knew a bloke from Amelia in Virginia. He really really believed in that buddhist stuff to the point where he used to look forward to bad things happening. He fervently trusted that such belief would be rewarded with good things happening later.

He was the original Karmic Amelian.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:32, 3 replies)

Once at school...
I was walking past this kid who was reading the noticeboards outside the library. I took the opportunity to push him across the passage as you do with the juniors in the school. Only rather than going in the intended direction he went head first into the glass in front the noticeboards. I heard a loud noise and he collapsed on the floor clutching his mouth and bawling his eyes out. I felt really really bad at that point so I guess his crying was just the karma saying 'Don't do that again'. I learnt a life lesson that day.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:31, Reply)

new definition
If you want karma to make sense, may I suggest a new definition:

Karma, noun: The principle whereby selfish, egotistical, unintelligent and aggressive people always get what they want, usually at the expense of people who prioritise empathy, fairness and learning.

Synonyms: Luck (only when it happens to other people); Merit (where the merit is recognised only by a similarly fucked-up dickhead); fate (where something horrible happens to people who don't deserve it).
(frankspencer, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:29, 2 replies)

Sir Patrick Moore
made several cruel and bigoted remarks about the appearance of black people.

Not five minutes later, witnesses reported that HE HIMSELF RESEMBLED A CROSS BETWEEN JABBA THE HUTT AND AN OWL!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:25, 2 replies)

Medication
I used to be very stressed, but have medication now.

I'm no longer anxious.

I'm much calmer.

Edit: Just looked at this again. It's fucking terrible. If Karma is real, I deserve to be hit with a hammer...
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:24, 2 replies)

Bike skills
At the age of about 14 I remember going out cycling with a mate and spying a bunch of what we referred to as 'Garys'(i.e. chavs)on a street corner. For a bit sport we cycled close by at speed and hurled a tyrade of verbal abuse as we passed, safe in the knowledge we could cycle away.

Alas as the heavily annoyed kids began to give chase I hit a curb and flew headoverheels of my bike.

The result? Me knocked out and heavily grazed and my pocket money nicked. Think they would've stolen the bike if it'd been completely broken.

I think the balance of karma was a little out that day.
(Errorist, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:22, 2 replies)

Sort of karma
Used to work for Holiday Inn in Ranmoor, Sheffield. Rubbish job, rubbish hours and rubbish pay. I was treated like s@@t.
Eventually just left and got a much better job.

A few months later, with no warning whatsoever, the hotel closed down and is empty to this day. Hah!

Felt sad for some of my colleagues who were suddenly unemployed.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:19, 2 replies)

I skipped school once.
I had thought it all through Parents were gone for the day and my sister was to go to london about lunchtime so the house would be empty.

I walked through the woods in order not to get caught and reached my road to see my sister just leaving at the other end of the street. Perfect.
I got to the front door and bugger. I had forgotten my key.
I spent the next few hours trying to get into my house but I had no luck.
Seven hours after my initial arrival home my parents got back.
the next week my english teacher being a nosy git rang home to ask where i was during fridays lesson. so I didn't even get away with it either.

My lesson has been learnt. If you're gunna skip school, take your key.
(The Ear-Trumpet Addicting is NOT a word., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:18, Reply)

Oh yes
At school I was always nice to girls and didn't go in for any of the nasty one-upmanship or showing off to impress them, and there was this girl that everyone fancied...oh wait, no, she went out with a string of overconfident wankers. Hang on...

At work I really bust a gut to improve company performance and when it came to bonus time...no wait, the manager gave the biggest bonus to the arse-kissing bullshitter who could barely tie his shoelaces. Don't worry, I know i've got a story about Karma somewhere...

My Grandmother, a wonderful women who helped raise me and never once complained about anything despite living a hard life, she retired after a life of work and drudgery and...well...died horribly of cancer at 66 and didn't get to see her grandchildren grow up.

Can I get back to you on this one?

Edit - I didn't realise Frankspencer had already nailed the concept of Karma in one. I wont delete though as the above is true and it felt quite good typing it.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:13, 2 replies)

Boy George also
indulged in the disgusting vice of homosexuality.

Fate punished him, by giving him a sore arse after being roughly sodomised by ten hard-bodied, uncut firemen.

THE VERY ARSE WITH WHICH HE HAD COMMITTED HOMOSEXUAL ACTS!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:12, 4 replies)

Squawk!
One afternoon when I was 18 or so I was round at my friend's house. He had recently bought a bad-ass air rifle off the internet and it had arrived that morning. It wasn't long before we became quite apt at shooting tin cans off the fence and started looking round for more challenging targets.

I'd never shot a bird- or any animal for that matter- before, but the pigeon sitting on the neighbour's chimney 50 yards away proved just too tempting. Got it in one.

A little later I was walking home feeling rather guilty about what I had just done, trying to rationalise it in my head, etc, when all of a sudden SMACK!! Someone shot me in the back of the head with a paintball gun... at close range... from a car window. The pain was immense! It was red paint too so naturally I thought this was blood at first and started to panic; I think I passed out for a bit. The pain eventually subsided and I soon realised what had happened but there is no doubt in my mind that this totally unrelated attack was Instant Karma.

I will never ever shoot an animal, in any capacity, again.
(Humbert Humbert, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:11, 1 reply)

Boy George claimed that he was
"a man without convictions" - and was then convicted for posessing heroin.

HE MADE THE CLAIM IN THE SONG 'KARMA CHAMELEON'! EXPLAIN THAT, SKEPTICS!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:10, 3 replies)

Damn that Karma
Long time lurker first time poster so be gentle.

Just got back to blightly after a lovely holiday and was due to go back to work the next day. I was supposed to be leading on a training session which I'd completely forgotten about and hadn't prepared anything so I thought I'd do the honorable thing... and phone in sick.

Still in the holiday mode I convinced my then bf to also take the day off and we'd head off to London for a fun and frolics day out, not giving a second thought to my poor work colleagues having to deliver the training.

So I crack open a bottle of wine settle down for a nice evening without the damn I have to work the next day feeling. One bottle turns into two and before I know it I'm heading off downstairs in search of a third and end up falling off the last stair and land in a heap on the floor, stay their for a few minutes in agony, quickly shake it off, find the wine and off I trot thinking the pain would go away soon.

Next morning my foot is the size of my head and a lovely black color. Bollocks that's London off the table so spent the whole day in A&E getting lectured off a nurse about drinking in moderation, despite my best efforts to convince her that I wasn't drunk at the time and my foot growing in size by the minute.

Turns out it was badly broken. I ended up being off work for about 8 weeks, didn't heal properly, had to go and get it rebroken and pinned back together and was off work again for a few months. Still not right even now years later... still got me out of training though.
(RubyRue, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:09, Reply)

By far the best proof is experience
I once worked very, very hard at my job - 16 hour days, pushing myself to the limit, nights spent on sleeping pills when I was still rigid with worry at 3am, crying at my desk when I actually had a moment to spare, pretending I was doing fine when in fact I was tearing my hair out, convinced that everyone else knew what they were doing, not that I ever saw any of them.

What happened next? Did fate decree that I get my just reward? Did it fuck. They gave me more work, that's what. Proof that karma is bollix.

I am now slacking hugely and thinking of taking early retirement at the age of 33. Based on my track record that should mean I get a massive promotion and millions of pounds in funding in the next eleven months.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:07, 3 replies)