Tube Racing
Now, I used to work in a brewery as a student, and in this brewery were a hard core of idiots, the kind that life just seems to through in for others amusement, and me and the rest of the student workforce would take immense pleasure in winding up the full timers, especially those that crawled out of the gene paddling pool with six fingers and below simian intelligence.
There was one particular chap, believed in WWE and had to be shown where the sun went at night with the aid of two apples, who was slightly dimmer than most. One day he was relaying stories of his youth, and soon we were all slack jawed in amazement at one of the least responsible lies I had ever heard. Apparently, as a child at school, when taken to London his teacher would "tube race" the students. Basically this would involve the teacher getting on the first tube train to come along and his pupils would get on the next to see if they could beat him to their destination. This was on the circle line. This man was in charge of people we are no longer allowed to call retards, and he'd abandon them in the middle of London for a bit of peace and quiet.
The best thing was that the man, to his day, still thinks he could have beaten the teacher to their stop.

Length; not the first time I've had to apologise.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:44, Reply)

Confusion
After a few beers I once (embarrassingly) said of an attention seeking, tall tale telling acquaintance, "They'd better be careful or they'll end up in a Peter the boy who cried wolf situation". Whoops.

And no it wasn't Morten Harket.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:43, Reply)

I'm a pathological liar
... no. i made that up.
(cinnamonsugarz, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:42, 1 reply)

Biggest Lie Ever
As I type this I am hard at work *guffaw*
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:41, Reply)

CLIMATE CHANGE
some scientists are claiming the change in the sun’s activity, hence the heating up of other planets in the solar system such as Mars (the recent thawing) and Pluto etc, is the reason for climate change, with man's contribution having little effect when compared to the sun, and certainly not the impact claimed

would they use climate change to piggy back more tax measures and otherwise hard to pass policy on us ?

The Club of Rome is a high level think tank which published a book available on amazon called; “The First Global Revolution” Pantheon Books (Sep 1991) ( www.amazon.co.uk/First-Global-Revolution-Report-Council/dp/0679738258 )

in it the Club of Rome wrote the following:

“It would seem that men and women need a common motivation, namely a common adversary, to organize and act together in the vacuum such a motivation seemed to have ceased to exist or have yet to be found. The need for enemies seems to be a common historical factor…

Bring the divided nation together to face an outside enemy, either a real one or else one invented for the purpose…

Democracy will be made to seem responsible for the lagging economy, the scarcity and uncertainties. The very concept of democracy could then be brought into question and allow for the seizure of power by extremists of one brand or the other…

In searching for a new enemy to unite us, we came up with the idea that pollution, the threat of global warming, water shortages, famine and the like would fit the bill. The real enemy then is humanity itself.”
(page 104)

Members of the Club of Rome include:
Jimmy Carter, Bill Gates,George Soros, Maurice Strong (author of the Kyoto Protocols) oh and someone called Al Gore

interesting, no?

no doubt man's idustry does have an effect on climate, but is it to the degree they are claiming?

if we reject all of the above, last time I checked the average joe wasn't given much choice in a society dominated by oil based energy production - it hardley seems fair to put the emphasis on our behaviour without creating massive change in trillion dollar industry and energy production levels higher up first to give us realistic choices and options to adapt our behaviour.

Of course, this only works if those making the decisions to tax us furhter are not part of this industry to begin with. Or Club of Rome members, who seem to be in a 'win win' situation at our expense

(EDIT; ABC NEWS ARTICLE Tuesday, June 5, 2007 about Gore etc being members of Club of Rome;
66.102.9.104/search?q=cache:ycnk7uaEhUQJ:www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200706/s1942343.htm+club+of+rome+member+al+gore&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=2&gl=uk
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:30, 14 replies)

Long time lurker first time poster
Before I start, on a random note I have been reading all the previous QOTW at work (as you do) and was reading the premonitions one and last night thought lying would be a good topic! It's almost ironic that isn't a lie I suppose....

Anyways at my current place of hell, I mean work, there is a girl who will lie constantly. No matter what the topic of conversation is she will always have a brilliant story to top everyone elses.

General Conversation: My grandad used to fly the bombers in the war
Her: I am a fully training pilot and have flown the big lancasters (shes about 25).

GC: I saw Lee Evans live last week at the NEC he was awesome
Her: I used to be a comedian and supported Lee Evans

GC: Have you seen that celebrity circus thing?
Her: I used to be in the circus but then I had to leave to pursuit my flying career (bonus points for lying consistency)

GC: You see Star Wars last night?
Her: I used to have Jedi Mind Powers but I havn't been training as hard as I should so I have lost them.

She is almost as bad as a guy who I used to work with who claimed he knew all the top DJ's in the country, had managed to get out of paying a 50k debt back and had once owned a Ferrari F40 but had to sell it as people kept trying to steal it.

He then said he was getting married and we were all invited. We thought he was lying so didn't go. From the photos the day looked lovely...
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:28, Reply)

Ok here goes…

I am a pathological liar…of the very worst kind.

I lie to myself. Every.single.day.

Some absolute doozies I have spun in my own stupid head in some preposterous effort to press my own self destruct button leave me flabbergasted.

Examples include (and most of these lines are normally proceeded by the words ‘Right…THAT’S IT’)!:

This will be my last drink tonight.
I’m not going to drink tomorrow
I will start to eat healthier.
I’m going to turn off the TV and go to sleep
I am not going to watch [insert totally pointless shit-arse programme that’s on really late here]
5 minutes more and I’ll get out of bed.
Nobody at work will be able to tell that I stayed up all night drinking…AGAIN
I’m going to spend more time with the people I care about.
I will make sure that I never drink and drive again – I’m lucky I haven’t killed anybody including myself and never lost my licence.
I will endeavour to sort out the crappy little jobs that (even thought they’re boring), desperately need to be done.
I’m going to make more of an effort at work.
I will achieve something and better myself.
I will apply my intelligence to something worthwhile.
I will NOT spend all day on B3ta.
I will sort out my priorities and not waste my life doing shitty little favours for useless fuckspots who couldn’t care less about me and only take advantage.
I will STOP trying to impress everybody.
I will grow up.
I will live past 40.

This is a cheery little number for a Friday isn’t it?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:19, 6 replies)

Ive told and been told
Why are some people so guilable? Here are some ive told which have been belived 100%!

1. I had bird flu. Symptoms was clucking and growing feathers. Told that to my little brothers girlfirend. Silly cow!

2. Got a whole office of people to belive that i was from Iceland - by talking in a faux hurdy gurdy accent. That was a temp job for 1 week in an office.

3. I constantly tell people i am a fireman to gauge their reaction. Most people belive it, but alot dont! I work for Bose as a assistant store manager now.

4. On several job aplications i lied about my driving lisence. They said it was vital for the job, despite me working there 8 months and never having to drive!

5. The best/worst for me. Things wasnt going to well with my now ex. I met a lovley girl in town, told her i was single and we got on reallly well. Racked with guilt, i told her 2 days later i have a girlfriend. I was expecting a slapping, or atleast a total verbal. But she supported me and helped me break up with my ex. Best. Thing. Ever.



Lies i have been told. Hmm

1. kid at school whos parents won the lottery jackpot about 6-7 times and acumulated over £50m from it. Same kid who wore the same socks 2 weeks on the trot and work army surplus clothes all the time.

2. 'it wont hurt' as i got smacked in the face by a cricket ball after a teacher convinced me that they feel hard, but are soft. Cunt!

3. This is the best one. I ment a local lad in the snooker hall. He clamied to be a sponsord pro player (right down to the shit they were and 'sponsor' badges. He looked the part and played well. But the thing is he never seemed to beat me. I am a good player, but im not that good. A bit further into our friendship he revealed that he beat Steve Davis in a world champ qualifier event but was forced out because Steve said he would quit if he wasnt aloud in. I smellt shit from there on. Some of the storys about sub 5 minuet 147s, winning tournaments left handed, how sponsors are paying ihim £500k a year. All this coming from someone who couldnt even beat me! So i tagged along to his next event. A small open in Owestry. He went out in the first round. I was speaking to a few players and he said he is a total prat. Billy bull shit, shit at snooker and life in general. Sponsors? No! He pays it himself from his job seekers, and teh 'sponsor patches' are fictional companys or copied from the pros. When questiond he told me to keep it quiet as they are all jealous. He dont play in our club no more
(DebbieDoesDerby, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:14, 1 reply)

"Harry Faker"
My Dad recently retired from teaching at a private Prep. School (ages 6-13 for those unfamiliar with the system) He was the head of the French department, and had an un-blemished record of getting his students through scholarships and the like.

The school itself is in a sleepy little village in Shropshire and is attended by the children of people who have *big* money. People who - on sports day - will turn up in their helicopter to pick the kids up. Names like DeFerranti, DeLiupis and so on were the norm, as were ferraris and - in the case of one Nigerian Prince (I kid you not) - a fleet or Rollers and body-guards.

Dad had been there for Eons it seemed, and had watched PC, Health and Safety and the Children's Act take all the fun from teaching. Handing out exercise books was always a speciality: he could throw them at people's desks from accross the room with pin-point accuracy, and only rarely did he miss the desk. If the books had been left open overnight on the freshly marked page, more often than not they'd land and then open: in the latter years he dreaded the effect of little Tarquin or Flora getting a paper-cut: the fun had to stop.

It had been the small things like this made him enjoy teaching: it wasn't the language or the success, but more the "being looked up to" by the kids. This - as any modern teacher will tell you - is slowly draining away.

******************************

Christmas at that school had a Tradition: the Christmas Meal. This was the one time when dishing out the food was done by the teachers and ALL the clearing up was left to the staff. The kids loved it, the Teachers hated it, yet they managed to fight through the meal with steely determination. My Dad however had a little Christmas Tradition of his own: Each question he was asked during this meal would be answered with a bare-faced lie: this is where it really all started.

"Thir, thir, How many turkieth doth it take to feed the whole thkool thir?"

"Well, Did you see the JCB in the school yard Two days ago?"

*Chorus of "Yeth Thir"*

"That was knocking a hole in the kitchen wall to bring in the Industrial Ovens from Domindo Tool-Hire"

"Reaaallly Thir? What For?"

"Well, You've heard about GM foods and Geneticly Modified animals yes?"

*Another chorus of "yeth"*

"Well, They've recently managed to make turkies with 100 wings and 80 legs. So, Naturally the School only needs Three of these Turkies to feed us all: They have one oven each because they're so huge and it takes 2 days to cook them."

"Thir, Why has it only got 80 legs?"

"Ahh.. Well the legs need to move to allow it to swim so they bred them to have twenty less legs than wings and the... Yes Joshua?"

"But, Thir, turkieth don't thwim"

"No, not usually, but these ones were crossed with octopi to get the genes needed to get them to grow more than one leg. It crossed over to the wing side of things too, and that's the way you get so many bits.. but they have be supported in liquid to support their weight. Besides, it's only the top head that needs to be able to breath"

"Top Head thar?"

"Yes Terrance, the Top head. The others are around the edges, I think they have 6 in total, but the others drink the liquid that they float in: Again, inherrited from the octopi genes. They managed to adapt the liquid to hold all the nutrients a growing "turktopus" needs, and even managed to make the ink-glands produce soy sauce!!"

"REALLY THIR???"

"Absoloutely. And you know what else?...."

He'd carry on until someone at the table found one point to be a little too tough to digest, and then he'd set about proving it, before switching subject.

**********************

His favourite on-the-spot story was the Shepherd's Pie one: though not a Christmas one. This was levelled at one of the older classes with slightly more world knowledge....

"Saar, Saar, Why is shepherd's pie called "Shepherd's Pie" Sar?"

"Ahh. Well Now. Have you noticed how you've only started getting it recently, and you used to get cottage pie?"

"Yes Sar"

"Well, Shepherd's pie is relatively new. It all started when the Russians messed up and Chernobyl and caused radioactive fallout to poison all the sheep in the area... you all know about Chernobyl don't you?"

*Chorus of agreement and general brief discussion*

"Weeeel, All the sheep died from radiation poisoning, and suddenly there were no need for all the shepherds. Russia was in need of food - they couldn't eat the sheep- and so all the Shepherds were rounded up, Shot and fed to the people as minced meat"

*General noises of disgust as plates are pushed away*

"No no no, That's not what you're eating. What you're eating is made by Findus. Findus and McCains have huge factory ships and since the late 80's have been using them in the Fjords of Norway during the lulls in fishing seasons. Acid Rain has caused massive de-forestation in Norway, and this has killed all the pine trees that Norway is famed for"

*Brief discussion about acid rain*

"Now in Norway there's a special type of sheep ... Yes Laurence, That is the kind of sheep that gives us polyester wool ... and these sheep live under the trees and feed on the moss and lichen that grows on the ground. The Shepherds would sit happily and watch the sheep day and night, and due to the large amount of wolves in Norway, there were nearly one shepherd to only five sheep. All of this has come to an end: since the acid rain killed all the trees, the lichen has become covered with old pine needles, and baked in the direct sunlight. In a matter of weeks the sheep were dead, and suddenly there were literally thousands of unemployed shepherds roaming wild on the shores of the Norwegian Fjords."

"What did they Do to survive thir?"

"Well, Norwegians are able to swim very well, and they quickly learned to eat fish that they'd caught, but the fish stocks were being terribly depleted: This is when the Norwegian government made a deal with Findus and McCains. For the last four years, The factory ships have been moored on one side of a Fjord, and the workers from the ships have release packs of German Shepherd Dogs on the other. These dogs - as the name suggests - are especially bred .... yes Jennifer, I know your Corgis are specially bred too.... are especially bred to herd shepherds. The dogs herd the enemployed Shepherds onto the factory ships and - when full - the ships set sail for England".

"But Thar, What happens to the Shepherds??"

"They're usually shot - very painless - and then processed, cooked and frozen, and offloaded when the ship Docks in England. Som instead of the nasty Russian version, this is quality Norwegian Shepherd's pie.... Now... Who wants more?"

Pathological? No.
Genius? I'd like to think so: I still look up to him for his ability to seamlessly blend fact into fiction.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:05, 8 replies)

pants on fire
I knew a guy once who is the biggest liar in the world..
It all became apparent when he moved to uni. At our school leaving do (prom) he'd had his picture taken with a girl and told all and sundry at uni that it was his girlfriend, would have got away with it if someone from the same class didn't live 3 doors away in the uni halls and pointed out that it was in fact his best mates girlfriend.
It all spread from there, guess he'd moved down to London and thought he should be leading a bigger life than he was, so claimed to be a film director, outlandish claims of meeting Spielberg and Scorcese in bars and being their best mates followed,and all the feature films he was getting funding for.
He made one shit film that was about 10 mins long, a d-rate zombie post apocolypse thing, he was an extra in it that got shot 1 min in and not the director.
I caught up with him a while ago on farcebook, he told me about buying a house in France and spending his days working between Switzerland and London earning a fortune, only he decided to stay in his shitty bedsit as he loved living the real London life.

Couldn't be arsed to reply.

What a cock..

Anyway gotta go, meeting Jackie Chan about some paint.
(b3tan senseless is slowly getting older, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 9:02, Reply)

"Oh, my uncle..."
I did know someone - in the times of teh puberty, when some felt the need to prove themselves, to belong to a group - who always told 'relevant' stories about members of his family. So whenever we discussed, say for instance, an action movie with, say, Schwarzenegger, this guy would always interrupt the conversation saying that he had an uncle who 'lived in the tropics', and 'had similar fights with local guerrila troops'. Ofcourse, this sort of thing would have boosted him up in the ranks of coolness, where it not that he kept doing it so often and with such exaggerated, over the top stories, that we had calculated him to having 48 uncles, 9 grandfathers and 52 nephews. All of which were ,at some point in there life, in the navy, the army, the secret service, dealt coke, growed papaver in afghanistan, shook hands with the queen, served under patton in italy, and so forth.

I believe we confronted him with the statistics we had accumulated over the years. I can't remember if it made an impact, though he never told the stories again.
( c_kick or, as some people call him, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 8:40, Reply)

chippy
A mate of mine works in a chipshop. He's there every hour the place is open, never has a day off. He once broke in on Christmas Day and starting making chips.

I accused him of being a pathological fryer.

Click if you think I've wasted my bandwidth posting this..
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 8:37, Reply)

that's nothing
I know a MUCH bigger liar than that.

But I can't tell you about him, because he saved my life when we were in Beirut.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 6:27, Reply)

Not a joke
Whilst purchasing a Nirvana hoodie, one young kid says to his friend "I can't wait to see them on tour this year"

... yeah
(g256, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 6:25, 1 reply)

In an old job....
...one of the workers called Ross walks upto me and asks if I want to go on the piss with him. I really couldn't be fucked, but couldn't quite work out a decent excuse to get out of it, so I simply struggled a lie instead;
"Sorry Ross, but I have to....errr.....be.....somewhere."
The others in the office pissed themselves laughing, and Ross got the obvious message that we all thought he was a cunt and didn't ask again.
After that, I realized that it's 47.2 times easier just to tell them to their faces instead of bullshitting a lame excuse out of my arse.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 5:54, Reply)

not actually that funny...
Around 2 years ago I used to hang out and smoke a lot of weed with this guy who I'll call X (for reasons which will become evident later) who told lies of a completely ridiculous nature.

For instance,

- he had got kicked out of Oxford Uni for taking too many drugs and not doing any work...however he claimed that he had left because Bill Gates needed him to build a new operating system and spy on his enemies, for which he would be paid 1.3 million pounds (keep in mind X was doing a Classics degree and was shit at computers)

- he was a close personal friend of Pete Doherty and that a week ago said skaghead had come to his house and dressed up like a 1940s gangster and did a dance in his garden

- that the government was watching him via bats that lived in his roof and were trying to monitor his musical listening habits.

Our drug consumption increased, and I began a torrid affair with his friend who introduced me to the wonders of crack and heroin (I'm clean now, yay!). X did not take this too well as I had often rejected his own romantic advances on account of him being a little creepy and a liar.

As X began to smoke more crack, his lies became more and more complex and confusing, like that his wardrobe was a 'quantum passage' into the public school where his dad (and heroin boy's dad) taught; and that he could hear boys hiding in the cupboard planning things. Sometimes he changed this story to that he was writing a novel with the premise that some public school boys were writing a novel about public school life, whilst their future selves were hiding in a supply cupboard writing another novel, but mainly he discussed this as truth.

Anyway, I finished my public school stint and was sent to live in Los Angeles (obviously a city free of the drug plague...?) with family after my parents discovered my blatant penchant for skag, and I didn't keep in contact with either boy.

Skip to 3 months later and me getting an alarming phone call from a friend back in London. She was hysterically crying and saying something about X in jail. I go online very confused and google his name. I discovered that X, high on crack, broke into his neighbors' house, and stabbed a girl to death. The girl was a mutual acquaintance of ours and had been a friend of his family for years.

It turns out that X was a paranoid schizophrenic (hence the government watching him and toffs living in his wardrobe), and his family and school had not noticed, and crack addiction and jealousy of his friend had pushed him over the edge.

I still get fucking freaked out when I think about this, for many reasons, including the horrible feeling that I could have done something to prevent it, and that when I left London X was regularly proclaiming his undying love for me, apparently the same thing as he had been doing to the girl a few weeks before he killed her...


Length? Life in Broadmoor.

(If anyone thinks that -I-, god forbid, might be a liar, or wants to read the full horrific slasher film details of what happened, simply google a very famous public school that rhymes with 'Barrow' and the word 'murder')
(little fawn, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 3:31, 10 replies)

SAS?
.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. (And I really *have* got the t-shirt)

Worked on many hush-hush (well, you had to be security cleared) SAS projects.

But it's nowhere near as exciting as people would have you belive. Oh. And SAS people can't drink. Every time I've been on the piss with them they're under the table by the 4th drink. Lightweights.

You can find out all about the secrets of SAS here. Then you'll see why I, as an IT sysadmin, spend so much time working with them.

Oh. And the ones I've met,trained and worked with? I'm pretty sure I could take any of them in a fight.


Cheers.

What?
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 3:15, 3 replies)

finally i have a story
the "i have never" drinking game is one most are familiar with.

***for those who arent, you all sit in a circle and say out loud something you have done, but say "i have never instead". you drink if you have done whatever it is. my best one of the night for those who care was proposing to my best mates ex-girlfriend***

but we were on a uni social early in the year and wanted to get ot know each other, this seemed like the fastest and most fun way of doing so. normally in this game theres always one person whos done more than anyone else, but max spent as much time drinking as oliver reed and george best on a stag weekend.

he had done it all... stolen a teddy bear and fucked it. kicked a swan. had sex with a girl he didnt really fancy, in a hammock, on a sail boat going across the atlantic. caught his parents having sex. heard his parents having sex whilst wanking and finishing himself off. had an ex-girlfriend shag him up the arse. drunk his own piss for a bet. fought a bouncer. spitroasted a girl with one of his best mates.

the list could quite literally go on.

after this little game i said unto him "surely some of thats bollocks mate, a little bravado to impress the ladies?"

to which he replied: "mate when youve been around as long as i have, and been at university as long as me. youll have done half that shit by the time you graduate"

he's a 22 year old student radio technician.

apologies for length, but you should read his CV!
(bacneman, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 2:55, 1 reply)

Some lad when I was about 15
He was 16. In this lifetime, he'd:

-Left the SAS as he was 'bored'
-Been married but divorced for the money

Oh, and he used to walk about in £20 khakis and a yellow jacket, with a walkie talkie from Tesco. Saying he was an ambulance man. When a girl's little sister went missing, he even put on a big front about 'radioing the ambulance boys' to get them to look too (WTF, and obviously a silent walkie talkie) and then told everybody work had phoned him and he had to go (presumably so nobody cogged on). But about three of us were near enough to his phone at the time to hear his mother squalking at him to 'stop talking like that' and to 'get home now for your tea or you're grounded'.

Oh fun!
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 1:07, Reply)

Ace pilot...
At our school was a slightly strange kid called Colin. He was nice enough, but he'd obviously heard the phrase "never let the truth get in the way of a good story" and decided to take it to extremes. There were numerous stories spiced up with little lies that got bigger and bigger and, it must be said, they were very entertaining. The one that sticks out is his plane crash. Apparently he was in the Air Cadets and had finally worked his way up to his first solo flight (we were only about 15 at the time). He took this plane out over the Firth of Forth and was flying over and under the bridges and round the various islands. Apparently he passed one of the tankers at below deck level. Unfortunately he then ran out of fuel and had to ditch the plane in the Forth. After his text book water landing he climbed out of the plane and started to swim to shore, accompanied by a number of seals who seemed to be concerned for his safety. He walked ashore soaking wet (Ursula Andress & Halle Berry have nothing to worry about), walked to the nearest road and got the bus home. He was really surprised when we said we hadn't seen it mentioned on the news at all.

Wind Commander Bullshit, we salute you! You may have been full of it, but you made many a boring lunch hour fly past.
( SteamedCleaner, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 1:07, Reply)

Bullshit Chris!
Given the 'Courts' area in Liverpool now gets policed a lot due to rabid fear of goths and moshers, bullshit Chris may not be known to most young folks. I feel this is a great pity.

Bullshit Chris claimed, amongst other things, to carry around dehydrated water (as given to him by the army), and that because of said army linkage he could have folks with guns and helicopters come to Courts anytime he wanted, amongst other things.

Very special guy.
(pretzelthief, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 0:30, Reply)

The Tale of Mr. Brown
In high school, I had an orchestra teacher named Mr. Brown, a short, mousy fellow with no distinguishing features. Except for his outrageous lies.

Such as the time he left class early in order to dine on steak and lobster at the Peppermill Casino (I'm from Nevada) because the head chef personally invited him.
Or how he would often spend time in France teaching extremely wealthy French children how to play the viola, despite the fact that his French and viola skills were substandard.
Or when he was gone for a week because he was invited to play the viola for the Utah Olympics, and then hurt his back very badly from sliding down the luge. After this, he would often lie down on the floor and shriek.
He was fired after a year for being incompetent and psychotic.

The next year, we had a teacher named Mrs. Toti. One day, she arrived in the classroom with a serious look on her face.
"Hey, class, I have to tell you why Mr. Brown left."
The whole class stopped to listen to what we hoped would be an exciting story about our former teacher.
"Well, you all know that he had horrible back pain, but this summer something even worse happened to him. Apparently he was in France teaching a viola class, and one of his student's family invited him on a fox hunt."
Most of the class was stifling giggles by now.
"He was in the lead when he saw the fox, so he pulled out his rifle and tried to shoot it. He missed, fell off his horse, and injured his back. Isn't that horrible?"
The entire class burst into laughter. Mrs. Toti, outraged at our behavior, shouted "You guys, stop laughing! What happened to Mr. Brown isn't funny, he is in major pain, and you should all sign a get well card for him."

Of course, no card was signed.
(lbucket, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 0:11, 1 reply)

Living The Dream
A few years back I was heading down to the river for a spot of fishing. The sea trout were running and I was looking forward to a few hours of peace and quiet on a deserted river bank. When I got there I could see this tall bloke fishing in *my* spot! Bastard! So I walked past him and we grunted:

"Morning" to each other and I set up my gear further down the bank, slightly pissed off that I didn't have the place to myself.

Over the next few weeks, this became a pattern. Most times, when I headed down to the river, there was this chap fishing as well. As time went by we got chatting, mainly about fishing and what we thought the fish would be doing and other nonconsequential things.

Then we used to met up in the pub and have the odd pint or two. And I learned a lttle about his life. He claimed to have "lived the dream".

He was a minor pop star with two albums under his belt and a record deal with Island records. He was friends with Paul Weller and had played guitar with quite a few of the legends.

Hmmmmm. Bullshit detector pinging a bit.

Then he lost his deal when Island Records was taken over and he'd fucked off to America to train to be a helicopter pilot.

Yeah. Right.

Then he was the "Eye In The Sky" for Channel 5 news in LA. He'd ferried Michael Jackson around and been to Neverland.

"Pick a buggy - have a drive around" squeaked Michael.

Then he trained to be a helicopter pilot instructor and spent the next couple of years teaching rich kids to fly whirly-birds. He found the disused set to "Little House On The Prarie" when flying around the back country of LA and him and his pupils used to land and break windows.

"PING! PING! PING! PING!" bullshit detector was going a million times a second by now.

Then he met and honest-to-god 18 year old Californian beauty queen and married her.

Come on people. Who the hell has a life like that?

Time passes. Due to changing circumstances me and the fisherman end up sharing a flat together. I own both of his albums. I've seen his helicopter license and his log book. I've giggled at his photo collection where he's standing by his helicopter gurning. I've see pictures of the beauty queen and since learned that she left him after a very brief marriage.

I've also met, and become friends with some of his band from the old days. Including his manager who is now the tour manager for The Prodidgy. (And you want to hear *his* tales sometime)

But the pathological liar bit? That he doesn't get up in the night, racked by the munchies, and eat every bit of food in the house. He claims it's mice. Who can cook.

And people think I've had an interesting life? You should talk to some of my friends.

Cheers

P.S. There's a few other people here on B3ta who have met and know this chap. They can vouch for all of this
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 0:05, 8 replies)

teeth/heart
A lad who used to cry a lot told us his teeth were growing upwards (instead of downwards), and would end up in his brain in a couple of year.

He also said he had his heart in his big toe.
(Nibi, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 0:00, 1 reply)

Necrophilia
Met a guy at Uni a while ago who told me his mate was a necrophiliac. Could be true I suppose...
(Plamf, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 23:56, Reply)

Metal Leg
I used to work with a security guard who claimed that the top half of his leg was made of metal...
(hank splendid I is an bleedin' robot, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 23:36, Reply)

Someone I went to school with..
is apparently going round telling people he is marrying Anastacia (5ft blonde singer). At least I have been told he is. I lost touch with him after school (thought he was a prick then), so have no way of checking.

Seeing as I haven't heard of her getting married (pretty sure one of the papers would mention it), I have to believe either he is lying, or the person who told me he said is lying.

Also, one old boss of mine repremanded one of my colleagues for being late (fair enough, she did turn up for work at 9:30). He finished by saying "And I've been here since ten past eight". At which point, I had to pipe up. "That's not quite true is it?". He said "What?" I replied "I've been in this office since 8:30, you arrive at 5 to 9". Funnily enough when I next was 5 minutes late from Lunch, I got called in front of the boss..
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 23:28, 1 reply)

Tom Amazing
I had a friend. I met him at work, seemed like a lovely chap, just a bit of a bullshit merchant.

Some of his shining moments included:

"I did the intranet website for the IRA - and they had me engineer and plant bugs." He was 24, english and shit with technology.

"I used to run a department for Cisco systems in London. We used to do coke and strippers on expenses." No-one can corroborate this. He used to live in Derby...

"I've got a Subaru Impreza." Which became "I had one, but I had to get rid of it. Why?

"I got caught bedding in a new turbo unit at 170mph on the M1. The policeman who pulled me over said 'I could do you for dangerous driving, but you were driving so well that I'll just do you for speeding.'"

He claimed to have been banned for three years. I found his licence when I was cleaning the flat we ended up sharing (don't ask...) and I challenged him. Why wasn't there a ban on it? And why is it a provisional?

"Ah, there's no ban on THAT licence..." Then he tapped his fucking nose and winked. Argh!

He'd forever bullshit about his 'super-fast, god-like PC'. At one point he bullshitted too far infront of some friends, saying 'It's got a triple-processor unit in it that I built and wrote the programming for.'

"Tom, mate" says I, "Your PC has a fucking glass side plate. There's clearly only one frigging processor. Why lie when you can be caught out by someone turning their head 90 degrees?"

His retort?

"I'm not going to argue with you..."

Ahh and there were so many, many more. And where does Tom Amazing come from? He once introduced himself to my sister's attractive friends as Tom Amazing. It beggars belief.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 22:54, Reply)

Jason
I first met Jason in Year 10 when he first joined our school. He had moved from Oxfordshire so nobody in the area already knew him and he was also a year older than us but was put in our year as he had to restart his science GCSE's. When he started at school everyone in the year thought he was a cool older kid so we sort of looked up to him.
Then he started telling his stories, one about how at his old school he set a teachers hair on fire. He later went on to tell my mate that whilst as a professional rollerblader he was sponsored by DC Shoes- if this was true, why would they be sponsoring a professional rollerblader to wear their shoes when NOBODY is gonna see him wearing them?- and could get my mate free DC's if he wanted them. My mate asked him for some and he said that "it wouldnt be worth it because I would have to go all the way to Portsmouth." Eventually, we just let him get on with it because it was funny to hear what he was gonna come up with next. These are all of Jasons lies I can think of so far.

- He said that his brother (who was 14 at the time) was good at rapping and had signed a record deal with Dr. Dre's Aftermath Records. When quizzed about this, his brohter didnt have a clue what we were talking about.
- He later went on to tell us that in a playfight his brother stabbed him in the arm with a kitchen knife, and that when his brother was 10 he punched an 18 year old in the face and broke his jaw.
- He said that he started weight training at a young age and by the time he was 8 he could lift the equivalent of a mini over his head.
- After a trip to the doctors, he told a friend that the doctor said he had a condition called "Unlimited strength" and when he got angry he was able to do things he wouldnt normally be able to do because of this.
- He said that his mother was cleaning his room one day and she apparently found some weighing scales and some small plastic bags and assumed he was a drug dealer. She then waited for him to get home and hit him over the head with a frying pan.
- He later said that he used to be a drug dealer back where he used to live but packed it in after a heroin addict stabbed him in the arm with a needle. Then he said he tried heroin once and realised he should quit drugs because he had "Gone too far".
- He claimed that he had to move from Oxfordshire to our area after one of the local hard kids (in our area) raped his sister. Bear in mind this hard kid would have been about 9 at the time, and why would he travel the 90 minute journey to Oxfordshire specifically to rape her. Even if he had done it, if you were going to move house over it WHY go to the place that your attacker actually lives in now?
- When the laser cutter was delivered during our graphics lesson, he said at his old school, they had one and a kid broke it. Said kids father apparently had to sell his brand new Ferrari to pay for a new laser cutter.
- He joined a friends band on vocals but was later kicked out because he couldnt sing. He told one of the bandmembers he was getting vocal coaching from a well-known jazz singer who had given him a support slot at a gig in London but when asked to name names he wouldnt do it.
- He also used to make frequent references to himself being black even though he wasnt black, he was half-Indian. Everyone knew he was half-Indian and everyone asked him why he did this but he still persisted with it.

After school he said he had got a law scholarship to Cambridge. This obviously wasnt true but nobody stayed in touch with him I dont think. Thinking about it now, I really wish we had because I wanna know what hes doing now.
(suckout, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 22:40, Reply)