Something about going out for tapas and her being gone when you got back
As you were.
(square go, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 8:34, Reply)

it's been almost 70 years.....
I didn't die, I just moved to somewhere less German
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 8:25, Reply)

*star wars story*
*tortuous pun that wasn't worth the effort*

right. carry on.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 8:25, 10 replies)

The cake

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 8:20, 2 replies)

This lie will last all week:

Your jokes about the existence of a deity are funny and original.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 8:10, 1 reply)

Job Interview
I said I like reading on my CV.

"What's the last book you read?" say the bad cop in about the third question in.

""Exodus" by Leon Uris" says me, a blatant fucking lie.

"Interesting book, my parents emmigrated to the then Palestine in 1947 on the ship that bears the book's name" says the bad cop, and then adds, "what was your feeling about Paul Newman's characterisation of Ari Ben Canaan?"

Cue me having the longest 5 minutes interview ever.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 6:40, Reply)

This pea was in the air-con & got burnt.
Mater (RIP) was somewhat of a nutjob, "proper" eng-er-lish laaadyyy.
I was 9-10ish and having procured my first cig (stolen by a mate off their old man) went to try it behind the aircon of the place we were house-sitting. The aircon is a big box with a pump inside surrounded by straw-like matting that water dribbles down to cause an evaporative cooling effect as the outside air is sucked inside (but is completely dry when not in use). Mum was inside in the bath. Halfway thru my first cig (hack, hack cough, cough) mum shouts out "WHERE"S THAT SMOKE COMING FROM?" Smoke from said cigarette is pouring through the aircon ducting into the house. I panic & quickly stub the cig out on the tinder dry, easily flammable straw...
Smoke suddenly grows exponentially and aircon rapidly burns. Mum screams and runs out of the bathroom in a towel to ring fireys. I run round to the fire-extinguisher (which I had been itching to try out) and put the fire out completely. Fireys turn up douse the aircon (just in case). Mum comes out and asks me what the hell is going on. After mum shouts a lot she susses that something is up and makes me turn out my pockets, finding a lighter (to light cig). She immediately flys into rage and accuses me of being a pyro in front of the fireys.
As penance I had to spend 2 weeks of my school holidays helping & cleaning up around the fire station. When the fire-boss found out the real reason for my transgression he pissed himself.

With the addendum to the story that I eventually told my mum the truth round about 2004 and she flat out wouldn't believe me.
Naughty little fucking pyro I was!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 9 Mar 2012, 6:32, Reply)

It's not you
it's me.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 9 Mar 2012, 5:41, 2 replies)

This
won't hurt one little bit.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 9 Mar 2012, 5:40, Reply)

1st

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 3:04, Reply)

I pretended to have a mouse at school when I was a nipper.
It got 'released' into the wild and everything.
I finally owned up to my parents in my late 20's that turbo wasn't real.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 2:35, 1 reply)

I once didn't get out of bed 'til four in the afternoon, and when I did I felt a bit light-headed

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 2:31, 1 reply)

I'll tap you on the head beforehand...

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 1:44, 1 reply)

University, mainly
The biggest thing I've realised over the last few years is that while I am still vaguely interested in my degree subject, all the stuff I actually WANT to do requires no degree at all, and is far more interesting. I won't say I regret coming exactly - I've done a lot of growing up here - but I should stop pretending (as should quite a lot of other people) that it was the best possible choice.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 1:22, 3 replies)

I do not really tell lies.
I skirt around the issue of presents at Christmas time, but I do not even lie to my kids about Father Christmas of the tooth fairy.

I am really fucking good at telling the truth misleadingly though.
( LordManley twitter.com/LordManley, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 0:43, Reply)

some bollocks about them not being the droids they were looking for.
blah blah blah.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 0:12, Reply)

No really
That is 8".
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 23:38, Reply)

My Results are all lies! lies I tell you!
All of them, GCSE's college the lot. I never went back to school to collect my results and lost my Certificates for my college course years ago.
I've been making them up for 10 years.
( Mr.Pickle Is not big or clever.., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 23:31, 1 reply)

Pea roasting the CV lies
I used to be No Cake For the Impuritay, you know. Here is my pearoast.

I have qualifications according to my CV. Not true. I'm just experienced.

See, I wrote my CV on my dad's computer, years ago, and I'd lied to him about finishing that college course. I figured after dropping out of university for being a lazy cnut, he'd be angry if I failed as miserably at my HND.

So he never knew I was just an 'A' Level guy. I needed his help getting the CV in order, so he was going to see what I'd written, and I was living at home for this jobless period, so he got to see the printed versions I sent out too.

I got a job, and no-one checked.
And another one.
And another...

It still says I have an HND on my CV. It's stayed firmly on the file, no matter what other updates I've made over the years.
I'm used as a consultant on all matters legal and scientific due to my "qualifications".
Bollocks - I've just got thirteen years of work in the field.

Edit: Six years on from that original post, and I've taken the HND off the CV. Now I have nineteen years experience, in the same field.
( Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 23:11, Reply)

That I was a qualified teacher
and that I had finished Uni and had all the docs. Went on for about 4 years until their insistence that I provide the docs and proof if I wanted to renew my contract for the next year became more than just an email every few months. It was in a foreign country and it was an international school run by Yanks. They needed someone at the time and I just kept my head under the radar for long enough but a change of regime meant paperwork was being updated and the school was applying for approved status. It was nice while it lasted. Wouldn't teach back in the UK though. Kids are horrible little cunts.
(Wagane, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:40, 5 replies)

It's more a case of 'not pointing out the truth'...
...but when people hear I have a music degree, they tend to assume I can play a variety of instruments to degree standard- and always, always piano. I tend not to disillusion them. I can play decently, but the new Rachmaninoff I ain't.

I got caught out last week when my choir director got double booked, and I was asked to play the piano. Two hours of sight reading later, the very Catholic choir discovered two things about me:

1. I mutter and swear blue at key signatures under my breath.
2. If I don't think I can play the piece, my automatic reaction is to state "Bollocks to that" in a loud, clear alto tone.

I don't think they believe I can play any more. :-(
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:34, 2 replies)

We've put real effort into thinking up the topic for this week's Image Challenge

( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:12, 5 replies)

yes sweet cheeks it realy is 7 inches long etc

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:11, Reply)

when she said "i do" ?

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:10, 1 reply)

My father kept telling me that if I worked hard and saved money I'd be able to afford my own house.
yeah, right.
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:03, 12 replies)

that there will be a story to follow

( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:02, Reply)

You mean when I explained to my girlfriend of four years
That I had thought about marrying her sometime previously but realised I didn't want to so kept my thoughts to myself for a few extra months.

That sort of thing?
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 22:00, Reply)

QOTW.
Specifically EdsMeds.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 8 Mar 2012, 21:59, 22 replies)