Lies that went on too longWhen you lie you often have to keep lying. Share your pain. When I was 15 I pretended to be 16 to help get a summer job. Then had to spend a summer with this nice shopkeeper asking me everyday if I was excited about getting my GCSE results. I felt like an utter shit. Thanks to MerseyMal for the suggestion.
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rob, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 21:57)
This question is now closed.
Pretending i've always been an upstanding citizen for the example of my kids upbringing... big fucking lie.So i'm perpetuating this for a long time to come i reckon. My 2 eldest kids are 11 (twins). They are aware of lifes do's and dont's to a certain extent and becoming more aware of the various cunts, idiots, fuckups, vices and general RIGHTS and WRONGS of life to which they see my wife and i as shining examples of the RIGHT way to be. I think.
Subjects i have so far blatantly lied about for the 'greater good' and will continue to do so until required to show them "been there, done that".
1. Fighting.
"No, it's never good to hit people unless they hit you, in which case you simply must knock them clean out if you can". That's my line at the moment despite schools "never relalliate" crap.
LIE - "Daddy (they still call me that) was a good boy and only ever defended himself when the need arose".
TRUTH - i was a violent cunt, happy to beat the shit out of anyone if required (troubled upbringing see), until i found DRUGS (see 2).
2. Drugs.
When watching some 'Police, twat, action" thing they see people involved in drugs (they dont watch it often btw - we are pretty anti TV in general).
"What are drugs daddy, and why are they bad?"....
"Well they cause all sorts of problems. People alter their minds and enjoy it but it can cause all sorts of issues and it's illegal so best not to get involved"
"Do you do drugs?"
LIE. "No, i'm too sensible for that."
TRUTH. I have over the years been renowned as a beast in the drug dept. A real dusty bin. Hollow legs. But i cant tell them that can i? At 11? At all?
3. Drinking.
"you drink Daddy, but are you ever drunk?" Bless, they've heard about drunkenness and want to know.
LIE "not really, i try not to get drunk, but i do like a drink"
TRUTH - naturally, i'm sure you can guess by now, i drink and have been mind bendingly drunk on many occasions, usually involving points 1 & 2.
4. Sex. Thank god we are not on to sex yet. Similar to the rest, often involving points 2&3.
Will i ever be free of these lies? Hopefully not 'cos if i have to reveal this stuff at any point it'll mean the subject is well and truly broached already.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 14:47, 1 reply)
I ordered a Chinese takeaway....... blah blah blah...
Rice, some Won Ton, and two Oolong teas please.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 14:42, 2 replies)
I thought my dog had mange,but it was psoriasis. It was caused by the soap for lice that went on too long.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 14:31, Reply)
Burnt offeringI was in a well known high street bakers (on more formal terms you might call them Gregory's) earlier today and they were selling slightly charred pasrty parcels filled with what passes for meat these days.
"What's the deal?" I enquired?
"Oh" said the counter assistant "nothing much, just some pies that have gone on too long"
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 14:20, 1 reply)
Does anyone else think A Vagabondis Rob's sockpuppet, trying desperately to make this QOTW look like people give a shit about it?
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 14:07, 5 replies)
It'll be a shame when this question closes.I'll be so upset I'll kick my dog.
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Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 13:47,
1 reply)
Fake girlfriendI held off posting this for several reasons; namely I thought it would be pretty boring compared to other responses.. but actually I've not read many decent ones this week anyway..
It all started with IRC (quakenet). I was an active member of the UK Quake 2 community and played for several clans; starting low but eventually working my way up to a UKCCL and UKQ2A Division 1 team (I'm still proud of this).
When I started I must have been 13 or 14 and in the early days we used to spend hours and hours playing Quake 2 and hours and hours just talking general bullshit in clan channels afterwards.
In one channel, of what was by then a defunct clan, a lot of members stuck around even after moving to other clans just for the conversation. Teenage angst was discussed, everyone used the /action command to tell everyone what they were listening to on Winamp, games were shared and there were even a couple of real-life girls in the chan. Eventually people exchanged photos and so I sent one around of me on holiday.
I was asked who the 'hot bird,' was and automatically without thinking I said
"Oh that's my gf."
The problem was, of course, that I was an awkward teenager and this was in fact my cousin, not my girlfriend.
That small, white, seed of a lie then started to grow.. I had to make up a back-story of how I met Carrie, how long we'd been together, what GCSE's she was doing etc. and she'd even occasionally make an appearance on IRC and have conversations with everyone (including, embarrassingly, me) for which I had to proxy an mIRC connection through a remote server so our IP addresses were different..
Although it was difficult, I maintained this and eventually other things happened, people forgot about her and we may have even 'broken up.' It wasn't really an issue because I was never going to meet these people in real life.
But then I did. I went to a LAN with a whole bunch of them for a week and even took some friends from home along. During this time I struck up a (real) relationship with one of the girls there called Claire.. Things blossomed, I was made a 'real man,' and of course people spoke about my relationship with Carrie and so that my friends from back home were filled in.
Claire visited me a few times and I visited her but even if she noticed the pictures of Carrie on the wall in my parents house and photo albums nothing was ever said, even if I did get a few funny looks.
That relationship eventually fizzled out and as the years went by the whole situation got diluted and I only had to occasionally rebuff an accusation from my friends from back home who had been to this LAN.
And I forgot all about it until last year.
I recently married a beautiful, kind and, fortunately, real girl and a week before the wedding I had a call from my cousin saying she was really sorry but couldn't make it any more. I was obviously a bit upset but in the back of my mind I breathed a big sigh of relief that some of my mates from back home who would be there would not meet her, remember a face and put two and two together.
It's probably even been ousted and I'm not even sure anyone remembers or, more to the point, cares but for some reason that little lie has still persisted, chased me and haunted me for over a decade..
Length? 13 years I reckon!
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 13:36, 2 replies)
buggerMy wife's surname is Lai and this morning she was moaning about my not getting up early enough, nagging that went on till 10.30.
So she's a Lai that went on too long.
and it's a true story.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 13:34, Reply)
My dearest ElizabethBy the time you read these words I will be far away; I plan to take my leave tonight and cross the moor by moonlight until the next village rises to meet me. You will never see me again, and I hope you will nurture some tender thoughts for me in your heart, warmed by the memory of what we were rather than on the black things I have done.
Your ears have become sharp of late to the emptiness of our coffers, and the bareness of our bricks stares at you. You have watched me come home from t'pit with nowt in my pockets but a few handfuls of tea, the cheering tea that I love so much and that you never had the heart or hardness to deny me. P'rhaps you will look back on my stained, abandoned mug in a different air when I make my confession: that tea has become my sunshine and my lifeblood, and I cannot live wi'out it.
When it were a thrifty month, your things did go missing from the wardrobe, and from the silver drawer, and were not eaten by mice or swallowed by the floorboards. The truth it pains me so to say is that all your wealth, Liza, went on t'Oolong.
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.Yeti., Thu 15 Mar 2012, 13:11,
4 replies)
Right, let’s get this over with.I do a lot of work with people in Singapore, and as with many Asian countries, there are a few surnames that get used frequently. In particular we have loads of people in the office with the family name Ong – David, Andrew, Sunny, Daniel; all of them Ong.
Poor old Daniel Ong though: he was our security consultant, but he had an odd condition which resulted in him occasionally losing control of his tongue. He’d be fine, when suddenly it would loll out of his mouth uncontrollably. When this happened he had a special tool which he used to hold up his tongue until he regained control. This was all a bit embarrassing, so when it happened he took to wearing a big hat which drooped down and covered his face. It was one of those wide conical hats you see people in paddy fields wearing when they are picking rice. As you might imagine, this was referred to as his rice hat, or, by the less culturally-aware, his ‘lice hat’.
So when someone asked me the other day which person called Ong was the one to talk to about security I replied, ‘Daniel. You know, lice hat when tongue tool Ong.’
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 12:42, 5 replies)
I am completely incapable of thinking with PortalsSo for me, the cake went on far too long.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 12:04, Reply)
The suggestion that Noel Fielding is funnyJust because it's not cool to point out that he's shite doesn't make it untrue
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 11:37, 24 replies)
i'm not sure how long worldwide......but for the past 8 months or@cle "business accelerator" has successfully done the opposite in our company.
a misnomer rather than a lie, but surely workable in a kinda way.
all back to mine for tea and cakes.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 11:27, 1 reply)
I don't actually have a dog.I just like to pretend I do.
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Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 10:14,
8 replies)
When I was youngI used to think Steve Harley sang "Schnieder's happy!" in the middle of Judy Teen. I always wondered who Schnieder was, and why he was so happy.
And is it Thursday yet?
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 8:48, 2 replies)
Someone told me a while ago...... that search would be working soon.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 7:35, Reply)
Seeing as this QOTW was so late being startedIt obviously just wasn't meant to be and keeping it alive any longer is simply an offence against natural justice, morality, the mind, and anything else you can be arsed to mention.
In short: Rob/Scaryduck, kill it, kill it now. Please?
(, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 20:42, Reply)
Soylent Green......IT'S PEOPLE!!!
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social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 19:40,
Reply)
Oops.In year 8 at school, I developed a 'migraine problem'. They normally sprang up on Wednesdays, just before biology, and often when I hadn't done my homework. Strangely, the medical profession has yet to investigate Wednesdayitis.
This went on for a good couple of months, with strange 'stomach aches' and 'really bad headaches' springing up whenever I didn't have the balls to tell my teachers I hadn't done my homework.
Until January, when I had a seizure and was referred to the hospital for tests to find out whether I was epileptic.
I'm not. Woo!
But.
'Are there any other health problems you want to talk about?' asks the well-meaning consultant.
'Actually, there are these headaches she's been having...' says my well-meaning mum.
Yes, those definitely sound like migraines, they say. And it definitely sounds like you're missing a lot of school because of it. Here, have some tablets. Lots of them. Some to take every day, and some to take when you have a migraine.
I've never had a migraine in my life. Barely even had a headache.
Never trust a 13-year-old who hates school, she'll kill the NHS single-handedly.
(, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 19:20, 7 replies)
If I were a rich man...I spent the entirity of friends wedding reception drunkenly pretending to a colleague of his that I was the son of The Earl Of Essex, "Britain's 17th Richest Man". They loved how 'down to earth' I was and how I didn't "act like a flash git". I even let them buy me a couple of drinks after the free bar ran out, after doing that reluctant 'No, no, it's OK...well, if you insist...' thing. It was fun, being rich for a day, but I didn't think much else of it until a few weeks later when my friend and I met up and he told me about coming back to work after his honeymoon and being accosted by his colleague thanking him for a lovely wedding and waxing lyrical about how nice that 'really rich friend' of his was. Apparently it took him all day to piece together from the stories who this rich friend may have been. In the end he didn't have the heart to risk making the guy feel stupid by telling the truth so, 6 years later, still has to pretend to be best friends with the heir of the Earl Of Essex.
God knows how he will explain it away if his colleague actually ever Googles this and discovers a) The actual Earl of Essex is not a fabulously wealthy man and more importantly b) is unmarried with no legitimate heir.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 16:33,
11 replies)
This question is now closed.