well...
my parents were always very truthful with me ... sometimes a little too truthful. sex, childbirth, and vaginas are and always have been regular dinner table conversation because my mum is a gynocologist. when i was in kindergarten, my friend brought pictures in of his new baby sister and one of the students asked how she got here. my teacher started telling the "stork dropped it on the door step" story. me, being the precocious child that i was, stood up and proceeded to tell the teacher that she was sorely mistaken and how it was really done. she jumped up and took me outside and said, "sophie, dear, it's not done like that here."
(sophie the dyking, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 7:34, Reply)

Rabid Christians!
In Thailand recently the female parent of a child at an American 'Christian' school commited suicide, an event which made the front page of the local paper.
At the next opportunity, the rabid principal then addressed the school community (including the child of the woman!) with the comforting thought that because 'we are made in the image of god, suicide is a crime against god, so she will go straight to hell'.
Sorry, not funny - makes me spit!
( woowoowoo, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 6:02, Reply)

Siblings are liers too
While watching an old movie with my older sister I enquired why it wasn't in colour, she replied that there was no colour in the world til about 1976 and that she was about 9 when the world clubbed enough money together to get god to 'paint' everything other than grey
(this red one is going to blow, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 5:33, Reply)

Couple of lies I've told kids.
First one was a few years ago, I was working in a bar and it was Xmas Eve - all the girls had to dress in Mrs Santa outfits (inc. fishnet stockings). I slipped and fell and had four pint glasses in my hands - I sliced the top of my finger off.
Went to casualty and there was a 4 year old boy in there who'd fallen down the stairs looking for Santa (I was the only female, the rest were just drunken yobs).
Little boy yells to his mum - "Mummy, it's Mrs. Claus" and asks what I was doing in hospital. I told him that I had been feeding Rudolph a carrot and that he'd bitten me - he was so into my story that I ended up regaling him with tales of elves and Santa's workshop and stuff. Eventually he said "Mrs Claus, is Santa bringing me a bike?" - I looked over at his mum who nodded so I asked him if he'd been a good boy and he said he'd tried, so I told him if he went home to sleep after he got his stitches, he may just have a bike waiting for him.
Needless to say his mum loved me for taking kids mind off injury. I went back to the bar I worked and got drunk all night :) Yay.

2nd lie was to my (then) 4 year old cousin - Xmas Eve 2000. He was being a little shit, so I told him that the tracks in the sky (aeroplane tracks) were Santa's sleigh, so if he didn't behave he'd get nothing for Xmas.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 4:30, Reply)

12 years old
I was diagnosed with diabetes.

The doctor and my parents all concurred: "It might just go away in a little while".

It's good guilt-ammunition for those arguments that seem to be a losing battle...
(malepillpt13, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 4:01, Reply)

Granny once said:
"Flush after peeing in the night, or else the smell will float into your room and kill you slowly while you sleep."

That scared me more than anything in the world!I make a point of not flushing if I have to pee in the night now.
( Jinxx has been away a long time, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 3:54, Reply)

I'm not quite sure how I came to this conclusion....
When I was little(er) for some strange reason, due to the sayings of my parents and my own deranged little mind, I believed babies were made when god saw two people getting married and made the woman pregnant. I doubt my mum would have even told me the truth if I hadn't been thumbing through my baby book and it had a thing saying "What to do when your child asks about babies". Before I found out, of course the word "sex" came up, but my parents got me to believe it was a crime and worse than murder. Oh, how sheltered I was...
(Mreek, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 3:39, Reply)

well it is not mine
Ozzy
'You know, brrrararaar,arraarharanar, pass the jack'

Kelly
'What I would be a really good singer now that some MTV nut thought it would be great to show the whole world how screwed up our family is?'

'BRAAADAAADA, thas what I said, more liquor, more liquor, oh the dog chucked on the rug again'.
(Finn_coyote, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 3:28, Reply)

if you aren't a christian
then you go to hell.
oh dear.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 3:12, Reply)

Lies all lies
I think my favorite was when my Dad told my siblings and i that the parachute seeds would make you sick and kill you if they touched you. I feared those things until i was almost 9.
(jeweloftheknight, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 2:56, Reply)

Bad Vibes
When I was about 12 I asked my Dad if he had any spare AA batteries that I could use for my walkman 'cos I couldn't find any.

He said yes, and I followed him upstairs to get the batteries.

he went digging into the top drawer of the bedside cabinet and unscrewed the green end of this predominantly orange ribbed thing.

"what's that dad?" i asked

"It's a joke carrot a friend gave me" he said, passing me the batteries.

a year later I needed some more batteries, and as my folks were out I thought I would go to the "battery drawer".

there were six vibrators and a pot of delay cream.

needless to say i shuddered, especially a few years later when my younger sister discovered the same....
(Lemster the sound of one luma clamping, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 1:48, Reply)

lies and treachery
When I was a kid my mum told me that when the Ice cream van drove past playing its music, that meant they were out of ice cream. the bitch.
(weirzbowski, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 1:30, Reply)

My Dad told me...
... that there was an all-powerful God who loved us and whose Son died for our sins. What a crock! Luckily I stopped believing that by age 12...
(buggeringfuck, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:54, Reply)

My parents are pathological liars...
We were told by my parents:

* My real mother is Germaine Greer and I was abandoned at a hippy commune
* My sister was bought off the gypsies for either a paper plate or coca cola bottle
* If we were naughty Idi Amin was going to get us
* All lesbians were satanic vampires involved in cults
* My uncle's caged galah had a blanket put over his cage every night so he could read Playboy in peace.
* Dracula was a real bloke who would grab people off the streets of Fitzroy and pop them in the back of his Kingswood Stationwagon (my bastard parents drove such a car).

Their favourite though was how Tootsie the dog was sent to a farm. It had been said to me so many times that, 20 years later, I still believed it. Until my mother drunkenly remarked to a friend "Oh what about when you lie to your kids about sending a dog to a farm when you really have it put down. Ha ha ha ha ha." In front of me.

Twunts.
(Yarbo, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:47, Reply)

Don't Pee In The Pool
I was told that public swimming pools put a special chemical in the water which immediately turns the water around you purple if you pee in it. I believed it for the longest time.
(BlurOfSerenity, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:33, Reply)

When I was in 6th grade science...
...we talked about gestation periods and figured out the approximate dates on which we and our siblings were concieved. Turns out, my younger brother was concieved on/around my first birthday... so me, being the little science geek at the time, I asked about this. I was told that on my first birthday, after I was put to bed, there was a giant orgy and my brother was concieved, and then subsequently informed that he was not my father's son, but my uncle's.

At least I pray it's all lies...
(Ecclesia, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:16, Reply)

Don't you dare, boy...
On a similar note, my parents told me that if you ever said 'nigger' you'd get put in prison.

They also told me that kidney beans will kill you if you don't chew them 12 times.
(mr chimp, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:07, Reply)

not a lie
but last week i was in school (im nearly 17), waiting to go see the german technician, and found myself having to explain to another guy in my year what shots, doubles, triples, chain smoking and how to use ID that isnt real with confidence, are all about. the naiveness. lucky for him i told the truth, i could have spouted bollocks and he would have believed me. poor guy, there ought to be a space in the timetable for lessons on those important things.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:06, Reply)

Story from a teacher I had about ten years ago now...
This teacher and his wife are a bit 'right-on'. When they had their first kid, they didn't want to feed him sweets and chocolate so they basically kept him away from the stuff. However, it didn't stop them feeding their faces every now and then.

When driving somewhere a distance away, if they had a chocolate bar themselves, they'd scoff it and pass the wrappers to the back of the car for the kid to play with. He didn't know there once was chocolate inside of 'em and thought his parents were just playing with bits of plastic.
( whelkboy is old now, you see, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:06, Reply)

If the Ice-cream van's music is playing
then they've run out of ice-cream was a cruel one. Tony Hawks reminded me of it on some program or other but I definitly heard it as a kid too.
(Fellmeister, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:02, Reply)

On walking the dog...
lots of wasteland near me - old, flooded mineshafts. TOver the years they've turned into lakes. Me n' me pop were out walking the dog when my age was such that reproduction as a concept hadn't cropped up. We saw, (what I now recognise as), one frog mounting another. During their passion, however, they'd obviously been run over by a trail bike - still alive but they weren't gonna lead separate lives anymore. I asked Dad something along the lines of- "Why's one frog on top of the other". He replied, "Frog's have to travel a long way to get to different ponds, so they give each other piggybacks when they get tired". Quite a sweet, Beatrix Potter-like explanation, really. Pity that I also remember that Dad lobbed the Play-Doh'ed toads into the middle of the lake....
(finchywinchy, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 23:53, Reply)

before I came along
My grandad was in the air force, and because of this my mum lived in Cyprus for a few years when she was about 14-17.
After my folks told me about this, my sister (8 years older than me) told me that "before you were born", she and mum and dad lived in cyprus in a big luxurious mansion with servants and palm trees, that sort of thing.
I grew up in cumbria, on the side of a mountain, in the rain. Boo-hoo.
(pomegranate, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 23:51, Reply)

When watching Treasure Island
my uncle told me that the actor playing Long John Silver had had to have his leg chopped off to get the part, but it was OK 'cos they paid him so much money he'd never need to work again.
(lolwhites, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 23:00, Reply)

Winter sports
It's 1983 and I'm 10 years old. Ski Sunday is on the telly, and I ask my dad why onlookers are banging cowbells and shouting every time a contestant skis past.

He says,
"it's so that blind skiers can keep away from the sides".
(Sharp-Eyed Sharon, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 22:57, Reply)

Not my mum... but a friend's...
My friend in nursery school Reid's mom used to tell him her "female massager" was a salt and pepper shaker. Big messy prob when his dad told him to get the salt and pepper. (they were'nt speaking at the time, and now she's happily remarried.)
(number 27-hunter, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 22:22, Reply)

When I was a kid,
my Dad tried to tell me Chewbacca wasn't a real wookie, and that it was some guy in a wookie suit.
I didn't believe him then, and I still don't.
( GTA, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 22:07, Reply)

Hedonism
My pezzers told me, " When you get to our age ( 30ish at that time ) you'll settel down, have a family and set aside all your chidlike ways and foolishness.".........last weekend I did 15 pills and drank a shit load of booz, I was fecked, I talked a load of old bollox and acted like a complete fool and i do this most weekends.....thay were well for the mark.
(r03in, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 21:55, Reply)

ooh yeah also..
when i was about 6 my dad came running into the house with a gas mask (which he had bought from army surplus) saying that there was a lethal gas leak in town and the government were issuing gas masks...

i was bloody terrified, git made me run round the house closing every window before pushing me out into the street wearing the mask...

(sorry for double post)
(DopplerSow, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 21:50, Reply)

When i was a kid
I had these construction toys where you made stuff with big interlocking coloured transparent octagon things (what the hell was that called?).

I always made them into the shape of space rockets which my dad would steal and then leave on the table the following day with some weird substance that he would claim to be a piece of the moon, sun, mars etc that the rocket had been to collect... I blindly believed him and remember getting into some quite heated arguments in infant's school with the many doubting fools. Quite sweet really...

(Well, the toy was called 'Octons' thanks for all the mails :p )
(DopplerSow, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 21:25, Reply)

Nose
My mum and nan told me that if I didn't keep my inquisitive 5-year-old fingers out of my nose, they would take me to the medical centre and the Nostril Nurse would sew them shut. Mostly they told me this as we were walking past the medical centre in question.

And yes, she also convinced me that a Haggis was an animal like a big hedgehog that you had to keep in the bath so it didn't roll into a ball and get away... why would i doubt my own mother??

It didn't slow me down that much though, as i got my conditional offer for uni today... i think... unless it's her again...
(underachiever, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 21:25, Reply)