Ice Cream Van
Every Thursday the ice cream van would come down the road, playing that tune that i learnt to despise. Most children back then loved the tune whereas i was left feeling bitter and angry. The reason of course was the lie. "When the ice cream man plays his tune it means he's run out of everything".....arrrghh.
(pottero, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 1:08, Reply)

Don't play with it
As a small child (and often even now), I would often find myself far too involved in what I was doing to want to use the bathroom when my bladder was full. As all young males do, I would hold my willy when the urge came on. Whenever my mum saw this, she would tell me to "stop playing with yourself". This obviously wasn't enough and a little lie was required to cure this problem. I have a step brother who was circumsised as a baby. Myself and my brother weren't - so when we went swimming I saw it and being an innocent child asked my mother about it. She told me he'd had an operation and that was what they did to you if you didn't stop playing with it.

Shouldn't have been a problem, except I never realised (since I was scared to play with it) that the foreskin actually pulled back - at least not until I had to go to the doctors several years later complaining of severe pain at school - you see, if you don't know, urine can get stuck in there and turn very nasty indeed when you sit still for a while.

Thanks mum, but still love her.

That took so long to type, i'm dying for a slash...
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 0:46, Reply)

This just happened tonight
I went to see a local band last night (Houston 500, they're great, just got signed) and picked up a tshirt that I got signed by the singer. Today I went to my friend's panto and sat in front of this couple with a kid (who I think asked for some of our hash cake, haha) and halfway through he asked something about the back of my shirt. I just got in and looked at it, it says "Crackwhore #1" with a pic of a syringe. I'll always wonder what lie they cooked up.
( Whillow, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 0:09, Reply)

Monkey Puzzle
There was a giant monkey puzzle tree near where I lived.
In a light-hearted way, my mother told me that if you talked while underneath it, you would turn into a monkey, or go mad, or something similar.
She then went on to say (as this story had evidently been passed down over the generations) that there used to be a monkey puzzle tre near where she lived as an infant, and that she always worried that thinking to yourself constituted talking.
Of course, these nuggets of information became muddled up in my young brain, and I thought that she had actually stated that if I was anything more than brain-dead while in the vicinity of the tree, I would become a monkey, fly up into the tree and stay there, puzzled and gibbering, for the rest of my life.

I also used to have an insane fear that my parents were trying to poison me - anything that looked slightly out of place in my food I wouldn't touch, in case it was a biohazard.

Ah, good times.
( Albert the Mildly Deranged purveyors of nothing much since a year or two ago, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 23:07, Reply)

My dear mum
used to tell me that if I sucked my thumb it would never grow any bigger.
To prove this to me she would show me her own thumb and point out how it was smaller than the rest of her fingers - this was apparently because she had also sucked her thumb as a child.
I remember being slighty dubious about this claim, but it made me stop sucking my thumb.
(RiotMoose, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 22:57, Reply)

Bananas
Mrs Cowjam was told by her parents that when bananas go brown/black, that's brown sugar (and therefore yummy!)
( CowJam, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 22:09, Reply)

commys
i saw the word condom in an advert n i asked my dad wot it meant. he said it was a memory card that worked on playstation, N64 and sega saturn. so l8r that day i ws in the street n i asked a stranger if he had a condom! he replyed 'no' with a shocked look on his face and i stook my tounge out and said 'haha im getin 1 4 xmas'!
(anon_12765, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 22:02, Reply)

Cats Eyes prevent Communist invasion.

My parents on car trips (these seems like a recurring theme here) would tell me:

If you accidentally drove over more than 4 catseyes in a row they would explode. This was a very clever scheme invented to prevent Russian tanks from invading as tanks were longer than 4 catseyes but cars were shorter. I was already in total fear of the Red Menace at the age of 7, and this totally believable logic just heightened my paranoia. My dad would take great delight in hitting three catseyes and then narrowly avoiding the fourth while I screamed myself into a catatonic state in the back seat.
( gp_guineapig, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 21:09, Reply)

pure evil
i asked my mum what the baby oil in her bedroom (?!) was for. she replied "for frying babies in". i was terrified, i thought for ages that my mother was a murdering cannibal. i begged my grandma to let me live with her.

my aunty told me when i grew up they would make me join the army and that i would have to fight in World War 3. i sat crying in the toilet for an hour before anyone came to tell me it wasn't true, and she was just a complete bitch.
(reddicat, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 20:48, Reply)

THE NAUGHTY HOUSE - Scarred for life
Being one of four kids meant we usually went on camping holidays, often to France. Off we would trundle in our clapped out old red Nissan Estate packed to the point of almost bursting. Mum and Dad in front, me, elder brother and sister in back seat, and little brother curled up in a ball in the boot ! (Yes, very responsible parenting - not). As the journeys wore on, and the temperatures rose, bordeom and frustration would set in - and tempers would fray. I remember clearly the moment when my little brother (poor bugger cramped up in the boot for hours on end) was being a bit of a little bastard just as we drove past some type of industrial plant, you know the kind with tall towers with gas flames burning at the top. My parents had the bright idea of telling him that this complex was The Naughty House and this was the place where all parents took their naughty children to be punished. I've never seen him shut up so quickly, it was hilarious (only because we were old enough to know they were bull shitting) - in fact me, my elder brother and sister jumped on the bandwagon and elaborated on what happened in there. How evil we were telling him that the men in there would pull out his finger nails, and spank him for hours on end, burn his hair in the flames - what a bunch of evil bastards we were !

But as a parental white lie it worked a treat at getting a troublesome youngster in the back of the car to shut up !!
(jim_bar, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 20:47, Reply)

Boys
Well i don't know, even today, what the men who used to go around collecting old fridges/freezers/scrap metal etc shouted from their truck as they drove around the streets. But when i was a child it seemed every weekend they would come along, and my Dad told my younger brother that they were shouting 'any little boys' So without fail, everytime they came, my brother would run inside screaming his head off.
(SSF&L, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 20:27, Reply)

breathless
My parents told my sister and I that when you go under a bridge or in a tunnel in a car you have to hold your breath, because there’s no air. This was probably an attempt to stop us singing Joseph And His Technicolor Dreamcoat repeatedly at top volume during long car journeys.
(mrsbadger, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 19:41, Reply)

I remembered another one.
The mention of Angel Delight reminded me..
I used to love the stuff, and I used to use the table spoon to eat with (Yes, I had a big mouth).
So when my Mum was mixing up a jug, I knowingly asked 'What's that Mum?'.
My oh so loving Mummy replied 'Angel Delight, do you want some?' while smiling and handing me my spoon.
I was three.
I got a great big spoonful.
It was cornflour and water - my Mum was making gravy.
I stayed off the Delight for a good while.
(boukha, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 19:39, Reply)

Right, I already replied to this one, but after reading these others
I find it worthwhile to note that my parents never broke out the 'ice cream truck's music is on because they're out of ice cream' one. Not only that, I hadn't heard of anyone else whose parents had used it on them until this question.

And everyone being told thunder is God clapping and lightning is God taking pictures... The prevailing story in my home was that lightning was the sky taking flash pictures. God never entered into it. Very strange.
( TheFelineAnarchist, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 19:37, Reply)

Brussels sprouts....
are budgie's heads.

Yeah.
(fourplusone, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 19:08, Reply)

Re: Curses!!!
Oh, and it just goes to show that these thing come round in cycles as I can recall telling a little boy across the road from my house that Raphael had went beserk and murdered Splinter and all the rest of the Turtles...and Spider-Man too! He just wouldn't stop crying!

Needless to say I had the last laugh!
(smokeyrodgers, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 18:39, Reply)

Curses!!!!
I realise now that it just got cancelled, but when He-Man got taken off air, my Mum had the ingenious idea to tell me that Skeletor killed him - like it would soften the blow!!!

Obviously, by the time of Masters of the Universe and Dolph Lundgren, i really couldn't give a monkey's arse, but at the time i was truly upset.
(smokeyrodgers, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 18:35, Reply)

my mother lied...
when i was around five or so i had a chicken for a pet. some how it got out of its pen and got out. I asked my mom,she said it ran away. turns out it was hit by a truck. ouch. i miss my chicken
(monhwa, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 17:40, Reply)

Oh and one of my mates....
was told by his parents that Wimbledon turned into France on Tuesday Nights at 8:30pm.

This all stemmed from the time they set out in the car from Richmond to go on holiday to France. Apparently my mate would nod off in the back of the car, nearing Wimbledon and not wake up until they had arrived. Needless to say it took a while to shake that one off, but the scars must have transferred, I guess...

.... or is it that I just don't want to go near Wimbledon after closing time?
(MSPaintGuru, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 17:30, Reply)

Evil Parent Trickery
Compared to some of the other things out there this might seem a bit tame, but then such are the ways of the wily parent that one can seriously be scarred for some time. I got over this one, thank gawd!!!

Picture the scene: suppertime, young kid with food on the plate, being given a roast onion and not really liking it. Decides to leave it because you don't eat the things you don't like, right? Well, My Mum decided that there were some things that you simply couldn't ignore because they were too tasty. So, in a momentary flash of genius, thinking that as I like the one thing, I will get to like the other, says to me "You know, Ice Cream is made from onion juice..."

It was two years and more before I ever touched ice cream again... and far longer than that before I considered that onions were tasty.

Another one that made me no friends whatsoever, Mum again, this time I guess on a "health drive" to stop me eating stuff she didn't consider healthy said "Angel Delight is made from Cardboard" (Angel Delight is an instant Milk Pudding - in case you're foreign and don't know of it). Stopped me eating it all right, exactly the desired effect.

Only.... Five year old precocious little brat that I was, I was invited to some kiddies party or other and when offered it replied with "No, I don't eat that, it's made from cardboard!" Oh, the restraint of the hostess......!!!!
(MSPaintGuru, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 17:13, Reply)

When I was young
I used to believe in Father Christmas, but one day I asked my dad why I wasn't allowed in the spare room for all of December.
"Because your Christmas presents are in there." he replied without thinking.

I then asked him about this, because to my knowledge, Father Christmas used to deliver my pressies, down the chimbly, with a reindeer pulled sleigh.
As it turns out (from his explanation), my Mum and Dad used to buy all my presents from the shops, give them to Father Christmas, who would then take them back to the North Pole, and deliver them back on Christmas Morning.

Being 4 years old I never questioned this logic...
( Weetobix, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 17:07, Reply)

Wizardry
OK, I'm not a parent, but sod it . . .

When I was at primary school I told a friend of mine that I was magical and was going to send him to another dimension to retrieve my magic wand. He was religious and got rather upset. Being a persistent little bastard, rather than admitting I was lying I simply told him it would be OK because it'd only be for a few seconds before he came back. He ran away.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 16:59, Reply)

I had a mean family
These lies are probably the reason I have an over-active immagination to this day:

My great grandmother: "If swallow gum, it will stick to your ribs for 7 years." AND "If you put to much sugar in your tea, you'll get worms in your stomach." I wondered if when I swallowed gum, I could just have some extra sugar in my tea and the worms would eat it off my ribs, but I was too creeped out to try.

My older brother: Told me if I didn't build little houses out of sticks in the yard, sprites would come and kill me in my sleep by sawing my head off with mini-axes. I spent the whole day in the backyard feverishly building tiny fairy homes with twigs and leaves until my mother put an end to my fears. Turns out he used the homes to play with his little warrior figurines. Smart kid.

Dad: Told me if I ate asparagus I could walk on water. I spent the evening falling into the pool with a stomach full of asparagus. Took years to eat another one.
(lainybeans, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 16:28, Reply)

Bedwetting
Whenever I wetted my bed my mother used to tell me that if I did that again little bugs of various species would come into my bed and eat my thingie. That really freaked me out.
(Marten, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 16:11, Reply)

Car Sticker
When I was a kid a friend of my dad's told me that the GB stickers on some cars were given to you after passing your driving test and it meant getting better.... I felt pretty stupid when many years later one of my friends told me it stood for Great Britain. Git.
(JE2405, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 16:05, Reply)

Parental lies
One Christmas I had a very realistic newborn baby doll which had 'Made in Taiwan' or sumthing of the sort branded on the back and my evil parents told me that I also had my place of origin stamped on my neck. Course I couldn't see it. Twats.
When asking my mother why there was green netting stuff round a building (it was being renovated) she told me it was to catch a giant butterfly.
I had my revenge by becoming a very odd child (and adult). I was once asked what my dimples were for and replied that they were for keeping gravy in. Ha!
(Bunnygirl, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 15:59, Reply)

Skeggy
As a kid we'd lived in a little village in Spain which had once been a fishing village but the harbour had silted up and the village was left some distance from the sea. When we first went to Skegness the tide was out - my dad told me that Skeggy had once been at the seaside but it had silted up - I had no reason to disbelieve him as we left before the tide came in - I was in my late teens before I discovered the truth....BTW nig nog biscuits are real - I have an old cook book with the recipe - and they are rather good too.
(Mummy V, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 14:59, Reply)

while...
...at uni, one of my mates told me that if i scratch my belly button it'll unravell and my guts will seep out of the hole...he did biology so it was a good reason to believe him... but having read these posts i'm not so sure....bollocks if that twat was lying i feel fucking stupid.....please tell me if this is true or not.
(evil pete, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 14:55, Reply)

Penguins!
When I was little, my dad told me that the blinking red lights up on aerials and towers were red lamps with penguins sitting next to them with cups, repeatedly covering and uncovering them to make the lights flash. (And if a b3ta member could 'shop this, that would be hella cool.)

He also told me that there was a tiny man in the refrigerator who turned the light on and off, and that if I ate all the spicy sausages (coincidentally, dad's favorite), the man would get mad and stop doing his job.

He told my mom the one about spaghetti growing on trees, which I think she actually believed until she was about 35 and saw someone on a cooking show making it.
(boscokitty, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 14:41, Reply)

Och Aye.
On a trip to Scotland when very young my parents told me that a Haggis was a furry creature that lived on the mountains. According to them, the Haggis spent most of it's time running in circles around the top of the mountain, with the evolutionary result that it had one leg shorter than the other.

I believed that until a quite embarassingly advanced age.
(fixit, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 14:37, Reply)