This makes me simultaneously want to laugh and cry...
My grandad died last year, just after Christmas. In the last couple of years of his life he developed pretty serious dementia and had to go into care. At one point he was in hospital after a fall and phoned my mum to say she had to come and rescue him as he'd been taken captive by the IRA.

However, one incident sticks in my mind, from a couple of years ago when he was still living at home but just starting to show the signs of losing it.

He phoned my mum and told her that his Sky TV was broken. This had happened a few times, so she explained to him that no, it wasn't broken, but he had to press "1" on the remote.

She then heard him pressing 1 on the phone repeatedly. Shouting down the phone that he was doing it wrong was useless; presumably he was holding the phone at arm's length and pointing it at the TV. Finally, she heard the sound of the phone being put down, and a distant "Hello? Hello? Are you there?" as he picked up the remote control and tried to talk to her with it.

As per the subject line, this pulls me in two directions. Mostly, I split the difference with a sad smile. I just hope his last couple of years were just a blur to him; he'd have hated to be like that.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:55, 2 replies)

Losing It
You really are getting bad when you

Get in the passenger side of the car when your on your own !
Make a coffee with gravy granules !
Put a treble vodka in a large glass and top it up with milk
instead of Lilt
(I still drank it)
And thats only this last week
(wizard of goz, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:52, 5 replies)

I was on a bus
and saw some reflective thing in the front window (top deck). Looked like straws. That moment some girls got on the bus drinking Mcdonalds drinks - with straws! Looked back at the reflection and it was a Flake wrapper (dont know why it was straws but trust me it looked like straws). Someone then came up the top deck eating - a Flake! I thought I was turning psychic or seeing things before they happened like in Final Destination. Overheard a conversation at the back of the bus - about Final Destination!

All those things are true and happened in that order, but being scientific I quickly shrugged it off as chance and not paranoia like my friends keep telling everybody that I am.
(MikeyNiv can coin snatch 32 pennies, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:37, 2 replies)

Spent a good few hours..
..trying to figure out how, according to the police, someone has my car registered and insured in their name when I have the documentation to prove it's mine. There was a very simple explanation of course - when I called the police to to tell them my car had been vandalised I'd given them the wrong registration number - only two digits difference.
(Haywood Manley, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:34, Reply)

some thing something virginity
something up the wrong un
blah blah banjo string
wafflewaffle teaspoon of jiz
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:24, 4 replies)

Once, during a particularly violent sneezing fit
I was wandering around the house looking for the tissues, but upon finding them I pulled a tissue from the box and held it to my ear.

I really would like to know quite what was going through my brain when I did that.
( shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:24, Reply)

Ever have those days
when you've been so busy, or so tired, or so highly strung that it feels like the slightest little mishap might piss liberally over your chips?

The question just bought to mind an entirely unexciting occasion when I was making some dinner, and dispensing a pan full of sauce onto a plate of pasta. I must have been pouring too quickly, or something, because the next thing I knew, a not-insubstantial amount of the sauce had escaped over the side of the plate and made a break for the space between my feet.

Ordinarily, I'd have grumbled a bit, maybe shaken my fist at my own incompetence and cleared up the mess. But I just seemed to be having one of those days where I felt like I might have to sit down and have a little cry after this final yet trivial insult to injury. I'd like to think I make a good tomato sauce, but I shouldn't be that emotionally attached to it...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:21, 1 reply)

Foaming at the mouth
The other night I was having some pieces of chocolate before going to bed, and loading the dishwasher at the same time. I unwrapped the dishwasher tablet and placed it in the machine then popped another chunk of chocolate in my mouth. Except I had it the other way round. I had to eat a whole bar to get rid of the taste of Sunlight.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:11, 2 replies)

Absentminded cross dressing

I was sat in my parents' kitchen one day, when my dad strode in purposefully and stopped to pop the kettle on - whereby his trousers promptly fell down around his ankles.

He tutted and rolled his eyes as it suddenly hit him:

"I've put your mother's jeans on again."

...And in one swift movement pulled them up and strode back out. I'm not sure whether it was the use of the rather telling word "again", or the fact that my mum is about a foot shorter than my dad, which makes it more baffling.
(DBS, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:09, 5 replies)

Dietary Dangers
I have no sense of smell, and damned little sense of taste. Little common sense either, apparently. Still, I don't think restaraunts should put little pats of mustard in butter dishes. I thought it was butter, spread it on my hotcakes. When I complained to the (no doubt amused) waitress that the butter "tasted funny", she revealed its true nature and volunteered to replace the tainted hotcakes. "Don't be silly," I gurgled, "I ALWAYS eat my hotcakes w/ mustard. Mmm-mm!" And forced the gurge down w/ every sign of delight.

Well, I wasn't going to let HER know I was crazy!
(the Angry Gumball Harmless American, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:02, 1 reply)

Trying to explain
to one of my Russian Dwarf Hamsters that fighting with its cage mate is wrong...i was actually chatting to him for fuck sake!
exactly what i was expecting, i do not know, missus thought it was hilarious though!

Also, shouting at my bed after smashing my shins on it.
(Pectacular Almost spectacular...but somethings missing!, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 16:01, 5 replies)

bad day
A friend of mine Andy also went through paranoid psychosis. He was in his house worrying and because of his worrying he was really getting through the fags. Soon enough horror of horrors he ran out. No one was around to help him (this is pre mobile) he needed fags, but he was too scared and paranoid to leave the house. Eventually nicotine craving beat paranoid fear and he left his house to buy as many fags as he could.

He had just left his house when a car pulled up and the window wound down

"Excuse me mate can you tell me how to get to...." the last bit he didn't catch
"Eh?" said Andy
" can you tell me how to get to...." again the inaudible destination
So Andy leaned in closer to hear what the guy was saying. As soon as he did the guy punched him in the head and drove off laughing.

Andy decided he didn't need fags that much and went back in the house
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:55, 2 replies)

What seemed like a good philosophy at the time...
While reading Mr Frank Herbert's Dune novels (the original 6) I came across an axiom that was as illuminating as it was confusing- one of the younger characters was being lectured by the Bene Gesserit reverend mother about perceptions and she scorned his answer that he knew something for sure- her bitter rebuke was 'Know nothing! That way you can learn everything!'

That seemed like a fairly good code for living, it promoted the idea of open mindedness as once you 'Knew' something (if it was true or not) you wouldn't go on to find the actual truth or a deeper truth than what you'd settled for- (I have since found this is a useful tactic when other people at work respond to a problem by saying 'It's definitely not X, Y or Z' because quite often it is so you have to go in with an open mind).

Anyway, fine to begin with but pretty soon the problem was, this simple philosophy went viral in my mind and all of a sudden everything had to be questioned because -as assumptions are usually the mother of all fuckups- I kept saying to myself 'Ahh, but do we REALLY know that for sure?'.

I'd like to think this was a somewhat Zen philosophical experience except that I really didn't like it because until I ditched it as a code for living I was basically unable to make any decisions at all because what I thought I might know in the way of facts could all be false.... When I almost didn't get on a train because I couldn't know for sure that it wasn't going to break down then I had to draw the line.

Instead I went back to basically the same method of not trusting everything at face value but based on healthy pessimism as a basic starting point instead of nebulous uncertainty everything got back to normal and my head didn't turn into a pumpkin.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:53, 2 replies)

For the first time in many years
I now live on my own, having shared houses with various friends, girlfriends and a wife over the last decade.

This has its ups and downs, but you when you find yourself shouting at a woodlouse to 'fuck off' it may be the point at which to admit you've spent a bit too much time on your own recently...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:49, 2 replies)

Starship Enterprise sighting
Last night, I couldn't sleep, so I went out for a walk. I went down the hill and across the road to the river, and through the long grass to the muddy riverbank. It was damp and chilly and there was rubbish strewn about, but up above, the sky was beautiful. Clear and full of stars. Giddying to behold. It was a warm night so I didn't need my jacket, but I had a backpack containing a jumper, a bottle of Volvic (Strawberry flavour) and some food (pies, crisps, cheese). I sat down between some bushes and gazed over the river. It was as black and secret in the night. On the far bank loomed hulks of machinery like dinosaur cranes. It was peaceful, it was beautiful, I was alone with my backpack, I felt at one with everything, if that doesn’t sound too dumb. But it was how I felt.

Hours, eons passed. It was When O'Clock in the morning. I looked into my mind. I looked outwards and I saw. That I wasn't myself, that I was myself, that I was nothing, and something, and I was here. And then suddenly - this is the weird bit - something flew overhead, lit up like a Christmas tree. It was waaay up in the sky amidst the stars, as silent as clouds. At first I thought it was an aeroplane, but it was too big and complicated for that. I gasped as I realised that it was the Starship Enterprise. I could barely believe it - but it was. That unmistakable saucer section, those graceful nacelles: it WAS the Starship Enterprise!

Suddenly, whoosh! It was gone, warped out far into space. This annoyed me somewhat. I mean, I know about models and CGI and stuff but how can they make this sort of thing appear in reality? Some sort of laser projection? If so this meant a major advance for cinema; fuck 3D, having movies appear in thin air right in front of you was the next level, for sure! But then I doubted myself and thought ho, well, maybe I dreamed that.

I looked over the dark river and the cranes and suddenly felt sad so I had a drink of water and ate a pork and pickle pie.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:46, 4 replies)

Paranoid nondroid

I actually did go insane for a bit. Brought on by a combination of MASSIVE DRUGS and my Pringles personality. Once I pop I can't stop.


Every Saturday night I'd chuck pills down my neck until I well and truly twated and I'd gurn my way through the next hour or so & as soon as there was a let up I'd pop another rinse & repeat till Sunday lunchtime when I would drink myself to sleep. I did this almost every weekend for a decade. During this time I held down a decent job met loads of nice people. I also met the lovely Mrs Duck and we bought a house together. But come the weekend I'd be dressed like a UV medieval court jester jumping about in a field to repetitive beats off my chops.

That was until I became a loony. A full on paranoid mental loony. Everyone had it in for me. The DJ's on the radio were talking about me. The papers/magazines ran stories about me. Strangers were talking about me behind my back & even my friends were plotting my doom. They told me it was all in my head but they would say that wouldn't they? It was a scary time.

I did eventually put it down to the drug abuse (Duh!) and stopped everything and sought help. The doctor put me on these anti-psychotic drugs that helped. I wasn't thinking paranoid thoughts, I wasn't thinking anything. I felt like I was wrapped up in cotton wool. One day after sitting at my computer at the Ctrl-Alt-Del login from 9 until 12 I decided to stop taking the tablets and emerged from my chrysalis of mong. A shining, clear thinking, drug free butterfly. The anti-psychotics basically gave my brain a holiday.

I came though it slightly scarred (physically and mentally) but otherwise okay.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:35, 1 reply)

As we have already moved into simple forgetfulness.
I've told this one before too, sorry:


It was a Friday, I surface bleary eyed out of my room at 11am to already find one of my flatmates stoned out of his tree. ‘That’s the day for me’ I thought, and lectures for the day are instantly forgotten, as I settle in to join him in watching a show about rich American High School students starring Luke Perry and Tori Spelling (you know the one, don’t make me admit to it in full). A few hours later we’re in a beer garden and my pockets are empty so I stagger off to the nearest cash point to fund the remainder of the day.

I enter my PIN. Incorrect.

I enter it again. Incorrect.

I enter it again. Incorrect. Card retained.

Fuck this, thinks I. I know there is money in there, so what is going on? And I march into the branch determined to get some money, furious that their incompetence has me in serious danger of sobering up. I queue, still furious and I eventually get to the counter to have it politely explained to me that it is very obvious that I incorrectly entered my PIN. Now, I am having none of this, I'd had the account five years, I knew the PIN, I knew there was money in the account, so I knew I was right and the snotty little shit was wrong. And I told him so. But he was adamant. Now, monumentally peeved, and not 100% compos mentis, I took it upon myself to prove to the arrogant bastard that I knew my PIN and I damn well wanted my money. So I grabbed a pen and paper and scrawled it down before shoving it across the counter.

I will give the man his credit, he didn't bat an eyelid as he slid the paper back across to me and said very calmly, 'Sir, this can't be your PIN, you see a PIN only has four digits. May I also take it upon myself to suggest that maybe you watch too much bad telly'?And I looked at the piece of paper, where I had very clearly written:

'90210'

I don't think I even had the decency to apologise before I ran out of the door, I was so embarrassed.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:35, 1 reply)

I was just about to get on this bus
when a bloke behind me said "Good luck." I replied "Thanks." I didn't do THAT again I can tell you!
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:31, 5 replies)

The more I think about my driving the less I remember how to do it.
Sometimes I'm sat in lights and for a split second or two I forgot what I'm supposed to do to set off, which is gas and which is clutch. It can be quite scary.
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:22, Reply)

My office door unlocks with my work ID card
One morning I tried to open my office door by swiping my bank card. I even called the estates department to find out why I couldn't access my office. They came out and told me to try not using my bank card, which was embarrassing.
( Peej, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:22, Reply)

I forgot how to close my mouth once as a child. Just couldn't get my teeth to line up the way they normally did, no matter how much I tried.

After a while I stopped thinking about it and it closed naturally by itself.
(Heavy Metal, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:16, 3 replies)

Shoeless Joe
Despite having been able to tie laces from an early age I once sat down to tie my shoes before setting off to work and couldn't remember how to do it.

It was only a fraction of a second, I remember having a minor panic that I didn't know how to do it before just doign it on autopilot but for that brief moment I thought I was going mental.

5t.
(fivetide, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:12, 6 replies)

I once misplaced my favourite Stephen King film
I'm not even going to bother finishing this pun.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:03, 10 replies)

I quite frequenly thank cash machines.
But only once, have I wandered into the bathroom and dropped my laundry in the toilet, then turned to the washing basket and unzipped.
(I just stopped short, in case you're wondering).
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 14:57, Reply)

I can't find an entire department in my office
I have lost I.T.
(The Liquorice Allstar I need cricket, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I once walked into a room
completely forgot what I'd walked in there for, and walked back out again. True story.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 14:47, Reply)

I'm famously absent-minded in my own family.
But my Nan is the worst. Once she starts talking, she can get a little... focussed. So much so that she only really concentrates on what she is saying, and ends up feeding the kettle and making a furious cup of cat.

I only really noticed her tendency to focus though when I was about twelve. She started talking about something, paused a little, and I thought at this point she was done, so I went off to do my own thing. I came back, five minutes later, talking about the same subject, not even noticing I'd left.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 21 Jul 2011, 14:46, 4 replies)