Once I wasn't sure if I'd already posted a story on b3ta

(FondaAccord, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Once I wasn't sure if I'd already posted a story on b3ta.

(FondaAccord, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 21:45, Reply)

Forgetting someone's name
Literally nano-seconds after they have told me. Even worse when it's a girl who may be slightly interested in you and they later ask you if you can remember their name....
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 20:24, 2 replies)

Coffee and a teabag in the same cup.

Only realised when I found the teabag at the bottom of the cup, after having drunk most of it.

Yes, my coffee is that bad.
(Freakmandu, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 20:06, Reply)

I usually start doing something else
to fill the time when I'm waiting for something else to happen like the water to heat up from the tap. Problem is it often sets me off seeing other things that need doing and I leave everything half-finished as I forget each thing in turn. I end up leaving the flat without my shirt on because I started tidying the plates away then come back to find the bread has turned to charcoal in the oven.
Not really but I do start off chains of actions that don't get finished till later.
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 20:05, 1 reply)

A pair of pillocks
Mrs Kite has an "endearing" habit of using the wrong word in a sentence; "Pass me the sausage" may refer to our Hoover, or a book, or her 'phone. Over many years I have mastered the art of understanding her gibberish and we generally communicate well. Whilst arranging our list of guests for our wedding, she asked if I was inviting Sid and Beryly. I replied "yes", and then realised that whilst neither of us know a Sid, or a Beryl, I knew she meant Iain and Katherine and answered apprpriately.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 17:28, 1 reply)

The other night trying to write...
badlydrunkboy.blogspot.com/2011/07/writers-blockin-pictures.html

Words were not coming, but badly drawn pictures were
(badly drunk boy, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 15:29, 4 replies)

Poured
boiling water onto bowl of Weetabix.

On more than one occasion.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 15:16, 2 replies)

Accidental Teabagging
I can't be the only one who, whilst making a coffee, regularly finds himself following the method;
1) Spoon granules into mug
2) Add hot water
3) Stir
4) Take spoon out of mug
5) Realise just in time that I'm about to throw the spoon in the bin.
(costas, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 12:16, 3 replies)

10 mins after reading some of these..
I just moved my mouse to stop my screen saver coming on, problem is I was watching TV.
(Dfectivetrip, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 11:47, 1 reply)

Just this afternoon...
At the best of times I'm the kind of person who puts the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. I've been known to peel a banana, chuck it in the bin and then stand there staring at the banana peel in my hand. Usually there are no witnesses...

This afternoon (I want to say morning, but I did wake up at 1pm) I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things that I'd forgotten yesterday ($70 worth - yes, I forgot that much). I paid and wandered towards the exit with my trolley. Halfway to the exit I looked at the empty trolley and realised I should probably go back and actually put the shopping bags in it rather than leaving them at the register.

As I walked back towards the exit for the second time (now with added groceries) some guy (who was probably terribly attractive, but I was too vague to notice either way) laughs and says "I saw that" to which all I could say is "My excuse is that I'm jet lagged" and I walked away. He saw me in the carpark and laughed at me again. I was actually too sleepy to even be embarrassed. If it was a TV show he'd have totally been hitting on me, but as it is real life he was totally just laughing at me. I hope my vagueness made his day.

This was after having slept for about 14 hours two nights in a row. Now I have to manage work tomorrow with a screwed up sleep schedule that will mean I only get about 4 hours sleep tonight. Wish me luck; I'll need it.
(xanthine, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Almost, but not quite.
The morning after the night before.
Put kettle on.
Put mug on counter.
Take jar of coffee out of cupboard.
Carefully spoon a spoonfull of coffee into the mug.
Pick up kettle of boiling water and attempt to pour contents into coffee jar.
Watch as the first few drops of boiling water splash down into the granules, making them fizz and swell into strong coffee-smelling gloop.
Blink.
Stop.
Decide it might be best if someone else makes the coffee.
(Ariaxen, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 11:13, 1 reply)

PhD brain melting
About a month ago I had to write a first year report for my PhD. Being a scientist, I don't find writing particularly easy. One day I managed to write 1000 words in about 4 hours and must have overloaded my intelligence circuits, because I spent the next hour spinning round on my chair in the office with a box of tea on my head, giggling. My group acted like it was nothing unusual, but they were all busy plotting graphs of the price of a mars bar vs the average salary over time.

We all went to the pub and I slowly regained my sanity over a beer.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I meant to say "you fucking bitch you've ruined my life"
But somehow I ended up asking my wife to pass me the ketchup
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sun 24 Jul 2011, 11:03, 1 reply)

A very large killing machine, a very small brain.
The M5 south of Bristol is a lonely place at 2 am in winter, and it's made worse by being pitch black with no landmarks. High in the cab, it's warm, the cruise control was on, and the road stretched out featurelessly.

The office rang me, and asked how I was getting on.

"Er, dunno"

"Why not?"

"I've forgotten where I am. Is it Wednesday yet?"
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 10:21, 3 replies)

A long time ago...
I went into 'Our Price' (look it up kids) to buy an album with one of their vouchers. Finding it sold out I popped over the road to HMV who had it in stock. Then found myself remonstrating with the till dude for a whole minute because he wouldn't accept the voucher from their competitors over the road.

True story, no funnies.

EDIT: Just made me think of Popped in, Soul'd Out by Wet Wet Wet. How strange. Was probably around that time too, though wasn't what I was buying. Twats.
( DeadEyeDick, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 10:16, 1 reply)

Mmmm... Discobiscuits
*WARNING* STORY CONTAINS MASSIVE DRUGS (ahem).

Global Gathering - 2006. A young and impressionable Ragathi goes to his first festival. Munches a few too many disco biscuits... Hilarity ensues. Highlights include; wandering around unable to speak, nodding like a gurning Churchill, losing control of my gross motor system rendering my coordination nonexistent, something akin to a spastic rubber band. The worst bit however, was somewhere around dawn breaking... My faculties returning slightly and attracted to a grease van ... Stumbling towards its glow like something out of a Hunter S vision. Acquired chips. Yummy chips. Tasty chips. Chips chips brown sauce and salty chips chips chips. Crunch. Why crunch? Upon closer inspection, it appears that I had liberally covered my chips in sugar. *bleurgh*
(Ragathi wants to know where his evil twin is on, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 9:49, 3 replies)

I could easily blame it on lack of sleep
being as how I'd been awake for 26 hours at the time, but recently a woman made a purchase worth £3.20 and handed over four quid. I took the money, cool as you like, shut the till and, after an awkward few seconds of her standing there, asked her if she needed anything else.

I saw it as one stupid mistake in a day full of mundane transactions, but I couldn't get it out of my head that she must have left realising thinking I was the thickest twat who ever belmed his way through a job interview.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 24 Jul 2011, 2:17, 4 replies)

My mother phoned one evening
We were talking about general sorts of things while she fed the cats and heated up something for supper. She'd just taken her food out of the microwave when I heard her shriek and the phone hit the floor; I could hear her yelling and the sound of the tap running in the background. After a minute she picked up again and told me what had happened -- she'd put her food in the cat's dish and heated theirs instead! Not that the two looked remotely alike, but she'd been so distracted that she failed to notice the switch until taking a bite. The cats were thrilled (a nice bit of pork for them); my mother, not so much.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 23:59, Reply)

Not my finest hour
Pulling into work one day last month I parked the car in the last available space, killed then engine and went to get out. Only I coulden't, and the car was rolling backwards. I'd taken off the handbrake rather then my seat belt.
(Mong goose, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 23:22, Reply)

post office
I had a "we called and you were out" card from the postie, so traipsed down to the central post office with it to collect whatever it was. They could NOT find my package despite two people digging through piles and piles of undelivered mail. I had to leave (hospital appointment) but they promised to phone me later with news of further searching. A very apologetic chap phoned and basically said they had turned the place upside down but couldn't couldn't find anything and din't know what to suggest. I agreed that perhaps whoever had sent a 'signed for' item would be expecting a response and would check up on it.

Then I found a reminder on my computer, to go to the local post office and collect the item, as I had arranged on the website. I picked up the item, easy as pie, but am too embarrassed to apologise to the central sorting office. I'll probably do something worse tomorrow.
(in-knock-you-us, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 21:34, 1 reply)

Apparently the term for it is "overactive imagination"
according to my family, who've seen it develop in me... what they didn't see was this past term at my university. Fueled by a balanced diet of caffeine, sugar, cider and not much sleep, I attempted to finish a "creative project" I'd been set by the university. A few hours after staring blankly at the paper, there was a knock at my door- one of my flatmates asking me to clear my crockery off the table for their party.

'Well,' thought I, 'If I can't be creative on paper, maybe I can do this creatively and get some sparks off it.'

So I headed into the kitchen and made a tower of dishes. It was truly a wonder to behold, held by a scaffolding of cutlery and gradually tapering to a point: a solitary glass proudly holding aloft a bunch of chopsticks, atop of which the dishcloth unfurled in the breeze. A thousand armies of weevils could...well, probably knock it over if I'm honest, it was rather unsturdy. Actually, that noble breeze might just have been the tower swaying due to gravity trying to undermine my artistic brilliance.

I stood staring at the tower, pondering this, until my flatmates gently talked me back to reality: "What the hell are you doing?"
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 21:21, Reply)

I often get out of the car
and return to the house to get my mobile phone, only to discover it is in my hand
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 20:06, Reply)

I think Amy Winehouse has lost her phone.
At least, she's not answering.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 17:24, 18 replies)

Middle Class Brain Fart
I brought home a bottle of red wine and put it in the fridge.

What was I thinking!!!???!!!
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 17:10, 6 replies)

Not me, but my mother
One day, out of the blue, my mother inexplicably started calling the family dog "Martha". The dog was a big male husky named Brutus. We didn't know a soul named Martha, either. She insisted that we ALL start calling the dog Martha, and when we refused, she went out and bought a gigantic key chain that said MARTHA on it, and put it on the dog's collar.

He ran away the next year.
(WorksInDUMBO, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 16:34, 1 reply)

Accidently parked my car in my fridge
and then tried to use my oyster card to figure out why I'd walked into work on a Saturday.

/ true story.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 15:59, Reply)

Spending 20 minutes in the queue in the wrong bank and, on a separate occasion, going into Burger King for a McFlurry.

When I got to the front of the queue and promptly turned around and walked out the staff must have thought I was absolutely nutso.
(Paperdove, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 15:24, 2 replies)

I used to have a computer shop in Colne in Lancs
and a bloke called Brian used to come in pretty regularly to buy a few bits and have a natter and a coffee. He came in one day in a real state, someone had stolen his car. We sat him down and got him a brew and then gave him the phone so he could inform Plod.

3 days later his car turned up. He'd woken up at around 3am and suddenly remembered that he'd parked it on the next street to where he usually did.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Sat 23 Jul 2011, 15:14, Reply)