Cringe....
Many moons ago, back when I still lived with my parents, I met a young man and as one does, after a few dates of course, took him back to my place for the night.

After sneaking up the stairs so not to wake the oldies and halfway through a slightly disappointing performance on his behalf, my mother bursts into room to be met by the sight of young man's bare arse staring at her. I wish I were dead, young man wishes he were dead and my mother simply says 'sorry dear, didn't realise you had company'.

The next day young man comes round to take me out so I s'pose I have to introduce him to my mother 'properly' this time. I take him into the living room and do the 'this is blah, blah, this is my mother' routine to which my mother turns round and says to him 'hello dear - I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on'.

He really didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
(Loving Vixen, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:41, Reply)

Back alley love
A friend, post night club, bumping uglies with a young girl in the back alley behind her house.

Out comes her dad looks at my mate and says...

"Put that away son, and YOU get in the house".
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:28, Reply)

Oooooh
I'm Welsh (and proud). After 3 minutes of walking into the house her mum called me a "sheep shagger"
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:24, Reply)

She violated me on an oily stage
I used to DJ at a local late-licence pub in town, and it was only the second time I'd met her mother. Her Mum's birthday. It also happened to be Halloween that particular friday night so I'm in drag, Morticia Addams style. The gf had a very `Modern` relationship with her mum and had bought her a vibrator for her birthday, which was in her handbag.

I need to get something out of my bag under the table, and as I'm rummaging around her Mum turns the plastic percy on full blast and rams it a full inch into my arsehole through my tights, pants and miniskirt.

Being a bit surprised by this , I quickly stand up, twat my head on the table (which had the CD players on), the music skips and the entire dancefloor turn towards me to see her Mum holding the vibe in the air in a victory salute, and me rubbing my head and pulling my kecks from deep within me at the same time.

At least she bought me a beer.
(FiftyFour, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:22, Reply)

Another one.
I was sixteen at the time (which explains some of the stupidity) and had met a girl around town. We meet up a week later on a saturday night and had a night out with her friends and mine. At the end of the night I walked her home. She says she's cold so I give her my shirt. It's freezing and about a 3 mile walk. We get back to her house to find her parents still up and I get to meet them with a) no shirt on b) Shivering, and c) Rat legged. So I stayed over (seperate rooms) and her mum nearly killed me giving me a lift home the day after when she drove through red traffic lights at a major junction.

Several months later I'd agreed to get engaged to her whilst under the influence. Once I'd sober'd up and grown some balls I broke it off but we carried on seeing each other. She'd told her parents about the whole thing so one night her dad gives me a lift home on his own. Half way home he pulls in to a lay by and gives me the 'messing my daughter around' conversation. Loads of fun.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:20, Reply)

Visited posh g/f's parents
At the barbecue, daddy asked if I'd like some more food.
I said oh yes more turkey.
Silence.
"It's pheasant actually."
( MartinH, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:13, Reply)

My inlaws - great
Met my inlaws for 1st time 6 weeks after meeting Mrs N. It was 5 years ago & her dad's 50th birthday and we went to their house for the weekend. 1st thing dad-in-law does is hand me a beer and ask where I'm from. Glasgow is the answer and things (inevitably given the answer) move onto football. I bluntly answer that I think footy is shite and I'm a rugby player, releived sighs all round (most of family love rugby) and I'm accepted almost immediately. Basically fitted in brilliant. Her sister loves me, mer mum loves me, her dad thinks I'm a good laugh. But they all think I smell and the reason is this: I love most English beers, but it makes me do really smelly farts. And as I spend almost all my time at the inlaws drinking English beer with dad-in-law, I have therefore polluted their house irreperably. Anyway 1 evening about 3 years after, around when we announced our engagement, we are headng off to this pub, all 4 of us and an old family friend of theirs. We walk past a neighbours house and they come out to say hello. I meanwhile am busting for a shite and really need to finish the short walk to the pub. Conversation ensues and many questions are asked of me, which I reply. Only suddenly and without warning and mid-sentence, I float a rather fruty air-biscuit. Lady-neighbour yells "Who dropped their guts?" in a broad West-Country twang at the top of her lungs. The smell, and remember this was outside in the fresh air, was horrific, like a mix of tar, bovril and slurry, and it lingered. I actually thought I might have shat myself. In a blind panic and addled by the stench, I tried to blame the family friend, but by this time, everyone is pissing themselves, except me who is almost in tears of embarrassment. Now whenever a fart is done, I get the blame.

Also, during same 1st meeting, I had to go with her dad the following day to collect a motorbike. Mrs N made a big deal of saying that as I am from where I am and like to swear as rudely and flagrantly as often as poss, that i should refrain from swearing in front of the parents. So off we go to collect the bike and on the way I am treated to a tale about what a cunt the motorbike guys is. Big weight off my shoulders and on the way there and back again, every second word from is both os of either of the C or the F variety.

Luckily, I have never had to apologise to them for length or girth of the combination of both hurting Mrs N, so I won't do it now either.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:09, Reply)

Welsh Valley
Not only meeting her parents but her entire family at a wedding. Due to delays on the train I wind up missing the start of the ceremony. Decide to wait some local pub instead of trying to figure out the way to the church.

For 2 hours.

I turn up to the reception stinking of cheap lager with half my suit on. They liked me. Her brother even offered to share his shrooms with me. I however proceeded to get immensely drunk get my head shut in a car boot.
(Reesy, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:05, Reply)

Ultimate Nightmare
Imagine this - you meet a good looking, well proportioned girl in a well known (think MOSS but shorter) club. You and girl leave club very drunk. You go back to what you think is her flat and drink more. Girl gets frisky and starts nodding dog routine on your naughty bits. You and girl get totally naked. Girls parents walk into room. Girls father goes balistic, mother starts crying. Father phones police, grabs you round the neck. Mother shouts at girl that she'd ruined her weekend. Between blows to the body from father you ascertain that girl is not old enough to be in club and only 1 day old enough for nooky, the flat is not theirs but a friends they've borrowed while in London. Police arrive. Father and you taken into custody for assault.

Now is that the way to meet the parents or what?
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:01, Reply)

I know the guy
who runs the Private Shop. His name is Dave and he's a great chap...will forward story on to him.
(the joe factory what makes joes, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:58, Reply)

Parents
First time I met the inlaws nothing happened, got on well straight away and got totally rat arsed with them.

If only everything in my life went so well.......
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:46, Reply)

Pr0n - alleluia
Started going out with girl midway through uni term, things going well, regular frottage and fun and got to the "i love you" stage pretty quickly. End of term, help her to tidy room and pack stuff (college whores out rooms to corporate conferences every chance it gets). While doing so, we find a leftover from the last conference occupant down the back of her chest of drawers - a full-colour and completely uncensored catalogue of clothing, devices and reading/viewing material from the 'Private Shop' down Cowley Road. Much giggling.

At which point steps on stairs and a cheery hello announce the arrival of her parents, who (she had already warned me) were pretty strict christian types. Catalogue hastily shoved into cardboard box, safely out of sight.

Meet parents - manly handshake for father, chaste kiss on cheek for mother - all going well. Helpful boyfriend picks up cardboard box, which in a way I still fail to understand self-destructs entirely, dropping all contents onto floor.

Catalogue lands at feet of prospective mother-in-law, open at a page showing a raddled plastic-titted porn star recieving a cum bath while still being dp'ed by two massive veiny throbsticks. Silence. Just fucking silence. Parents leave room, carrying token item each to car. I burst out laughing, gf bursts into tears.

Despite this things eventually recovered and, reader, I married her.

I have a very small cock, so this is the best length you'll get.
(testmeuk, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:43, Reply)

first and worst
My first gf's family were scary. Her stepdad was actually an oran-utang, who let me know that if I got his little girl up the duff he'd kill me. Her dog kept trying to shag my leg, and her mum was a whale with flab hanging down in folds on her legs, who deep fried everything and kept going on about how she wanted to foster me (I was in care).

It kind of went downhill from there.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:39, Reply)

After university
I brought the current girlfriend home. I'd met her sometime over the year, she lived at my home town, while I lived at uni.

Introduced her to the parents, 'Mum, Dad, this is Mrs Ale'. Parents were quite chatty to her, got on really well. A little too well I thought.

I found out later that week, that while I'd been away at uni, She'd gone out with my younger brother*, and had met the parents already. She finished with him and decided to upgrade to the better model**. Surprisingly we lasted quite a few months.

No apologies for lack of length, its what you do with it that counts.




** May not be 100% fact,

*Nothing 'serious' happened between them thank god...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:26, Reply)

First reply and first time I met her parents
Well we'd been going out for a couple of weeks when i first went round her house. Her Mum was as friendly as can be but her dad (a rotund ginger Aston Villa fan) just grunted and ignored me. This went on for a couple of months before he finally turned to me one day whilst reading final scores on teletext and said "Who do you support?"
Now i'm not much of a football fan but 2 things went through my mind...
1) I was nobbling his daughter so should i say i'm a Villa man and hope he didn't ask questions...or
2) Just tell him i dont really like football because its all bollocks.
Well i chose the second option, only phrased it slightly better and that was that. He never spoke to me again. Twunt!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Fri 20 May 2005, 10:08, Reply)

ladycat
No offence, but fuck horses. My ex's horse died while I was going out with her and I was so over-the-moon that I wouldn't have to hear about the fucking horse again I threw a party.

...what, insensitive? Me? You should hear what happened when I met her father...the Detective Inspector...

[edit] Which leads me on very nicely to when I met my current girlfriend's father. She'd talked about him, and pretty much my opening gambit was "So I hear you once punched a horse in the face".
He said, "Yes, but don't tell the wife".
I shook him by the hand and bought him a beer.

Apologies for length, but no apologies for punching horses.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 20 May 2005, 9:53, Reply)

Poor Dan...
I remember in my first year of college, I got my first proper boyfriend. On the start of the second week I was brought to meet his parents.

Parents: "You must be Dan's friend?"
Me: "No, boyfriend."
*Awkward silence*
Dan: "I guess now would be the time to tell you I'm gay?"

I left after about half an hour of sitting alone in the kitchen whilst they argued in the living-room.

I bumped into him for the first time in 3 years the other week. He didn't return my wave.
( owain2002, Fri 20 May 2005, 9:47, Reply)

What went down like a cup of cold sick....
So, me and the g/f have been going out for a few weeks, she invited me to sunday lunch at her parents place. The usual sunday roast affair. and I think 'hey! this is going alright' we talk and stuff, it's all going well.

Then I relate my one of the stories from my youth.

The one about me stealing a Jaguar at 16 and writing it off into a dry stone wall and 90 mph.

And about the other 3 cars and tow motorcyces I nicked that night.

Things get a bit quiet then.

On the way back to her place she says "do you know what my dad does?"
"no"
"He's the Chief Superintendant at xyz Police Station" (the guy who runs the whole thing).

"oh" I say.

fecking rubbish, how deep can I put my foot it.

Still, she had a great pair of jugs, passed the pencil test and everything!



Claire, if you're reading this - nice norks love!
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Fri 20 May 2005, 9:45, Reply)

First car journey
When I was about 16 my mum met my (then) boyfriend for the first time, when she picked him up in the car after getting me from school.

Being a stupidly tiny car, and him being a strapping lad, I squeezed in the back and he sat in the passenger seat next to Mum.

As we pulled away from the drive mum went to change gears, MISSED and grabbed my poor innocent boyfriend's thigh! I have no idea whether it was deliberate or not (although knowing her, it probably was) but it certainly made for interesting conversation on the way home...

'Wow, what strong thighs you have James. How did you get them that muscly?'

'Errrmmm....'
(im_a_cuckoo, Fri 20 May 2005, 9:26, Reply)

Years ago I went a now ex g/f house to pick her up -
It was the first time I had done so and knocked on the door. Through the frosted window I could see a huge lumbering silhouette - turned out to be the dad, who wanted to answer the door to check me out. He didn't realise that I was a 6ft 4in tall. He stood there and looked uncomfortable - clearly deflated by the fact that he wasn’t going to intimidate me.
Meh, the dirty, work-shy, benefit swindling pillock.
( Goldfish_, Fri 20 May 2005, 8:57, Reply)

First summer I was working in France
I hooked up with a Dutch girl. End of the season comes and I get an invite to meet her parents, in Holland. Needless to say, eager for some more sweaty, moist loving, I hot-foot it to eastern Holland.
First mealtime was an 'event', her parents couldn't speak English and I couldn't speak Dutch. Needless to say conversation really flowed...
(Tibbins, Fri 20 May 2005, 8:51, Reply)

Brother's Missus
Came to visit my parents for the first time.
She was an American exchange student at the time... Now she's married and living in the UK with my Bro... I digress

My brother drives a minivan (station-wagon-van-version a "Mr Bean Car" for you americans) with warp-speed abilities, and like evey male member of my family has learn to navigate the winding and awesome roads of Wales at a pace that would make Captain Pickard get wood.

They arrived in the manner to which we are accustomed (can be heard coming half a mile off, and upon arrival the smell of hot brakes greets us) and My brother's Missus steps out to greet my parent for the first time.

Dad: Hi *bear hug*, Was the journey here nice?
She: I dont know: I had my eyes closed. Dammit, my fanny is REALLY sore.
Mum: *chokes on coffee*
Dad: *wets himself laughing*
Brother: Erm, 'Fanny' means 'Bum' in the US guys.
Mum: Ahhhh. I seeee.
Dad: *gasping for breath* Oh. So... not what I was thinking then?
*brother and myself loose it and collpapse in laughter*

Guess you had to be there really....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 20 May 2005, 8:50, Reply)

I'm just biding my time..
I've had loads of embarrassing things happen to me over the years, but nothing comes close to the sort of stuff I've got planned for when my three daughters bring their first boyfriends home....

bwahahhahaahha!

I can't walk past a charity shop without casting an eye over the pullover section...
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Fri 20 May 2005, 8:45, Reply)

i wasn't going out with him yet
but this party was the catalyst for good things to come:

it was a friend's 18th and he had a pirate themed birthday party.
unfortunately at the time i was on a course of anti-biotics. but i couldn't let that stop me from getting as drunk as a pirate so the rum (or jack and coke) flowed freely.
the time came for the family of the 18yr old to go to bed so us pirates decided to go into town to continue partying.
by this point, the alcohol had started to react with my anti-biotics and i became a delirious spewing mess, so my soon-to-be boyfriend took me just next door to his parents house.
his lovely mother held my sword and my hair out of my face while i proceeded to 'call ralph on the big porcelain phone'... and i'm pretty sure i farted a couple of times from the heaving...........
any time pirates are mentioned now, i get a dig in the ribs
(whatsinaname, Fri 20 May 2005, 8:21, Reply)

Decorating....
Me and Ms.Coopsweb decided to get together some years ago, but as there's a significant age difference (she being 13 years older than me) we kept it quiet for the first, say 4-5 months.

Anyhew, the first time I meet her Mother is when I volunteer to drop some stuff over to her on my way out to meet a mate for a drink. I'm nervous, but it’s only going to be a “Hello, I’m her ‘friend’, here’s the stuff you wanted”.

But no. The girlfriend phones me en-route and asks if I’d do her mother a favour – would I finish painting her kitchen ceiling while I’m there, as she’s got a bad knee and can’t get up the ladder to finish the middle bit of the ceiling.

So my first meeting of ‘the Mother-in-Law’ basically consisted of a brief introduction, a few large drinks, us getting on like a house on fire and me painting her kitchen ceiling.
What more could you want in a Son-in-Law?

(Apologies for.. nah...you know the rest!)
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 20 May 2005, 7:30, Reply)

falatualation
I took my g/f to my parent's place for Christmas hols. She's a good drinker, but perhaps not so used to the fizzy beer my folks keep about the place. She let out a huge burp at the dinner table. I almost lost control of my laughter rein at that point then my mum responded by farting. That was the end of it for me, my dad and I were howling so loud we almost herniated. My g/f took a little longer to see the joke.

Of course, I married her.
(Freegan Bikefascist, Fri 20 May 2005, 7:09, Reply)

Meet the Horse
I used to go out with this guy, and the big meeting for him was not with my parents, but with my horse. We went into my mare's paddock, and she pinned back her ears (a sign of anger for you non-equestrians) and put her head by me. I tried to help by giving the guy a treat to give her, but she knocked it off his hand and refused to eat it.
My mare recently passed away, so I won't have her input on my relationships anymore.
(ladycat, Fri 20 May 2005, 6:35, Reply)