There is an old Yorkshire expression "sitting around like cheese at four pence"
If you've not come across it before, it goes back to the days when most people couldn't afford it, and bought the cheaper cheeses. So the cheese at four pence sat around lordly and alone in the shop window.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to stay with my dad and took along a terribly posh friend of mine, the kind who once said in a job jnterview that she "only leaves zone 1 by plane" and managed to get the job. My dad on the other hand is your typical gruff blunt Yorkshiremen. By one of those opposites attract things, made in Chelsea friend and my dad get on like a mansion on fire. So we were sitting there in the evening, waiting for my dad to get ready so that we could go out for dinner. He pops his head around the door and says, "don't you want fizz then?"

"Of course we do," my friend said. "I was wondering where you'd hidden all that champagne."

"Well get on with opening it then. Stop sitting around here like cheese at four pence."

My friend tilted her head to one side, puzzled. "Like what?" she asked. "Like cheese at Fortnums ?"

Seldom has a point been so spectacularly missed.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 8:53, 119 replies)

Posh birds are dirty.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 8:58, closed)

yes, we are. private education does that.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:22, closed)

Lancashire.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:01, closed)

Yeah you go to border towns like todmorden and you try telling them that
Then come and post here in the "southern shandy drinker got beaten like a little bitch" question...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:16, closed)

I'm from Lancashire.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:26, closed)

Ugh how awful
:(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:38, closed)

i no rite/
Still ... at least I don't come from the only English county that's more chippy and backwards than Cornwall.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:58, closed)

white rose 4EVA
we were actually living in lancashire when my brother and i were born. my dad insisted that we drove back over the border to be born in halifax, so that "one day we could play cricket for yorkshire".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:02, closed)

jesus ... is there a single man in yorkshire with a shred of dignity?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:04, closed)

the rule doesn't apply any more, i think it got abolished in the 80's
but if yorkshire had been its own country, it would have come 11th in the olympic medal table at 2012.

suck on that, mill-boy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:06, closed)

yeah ... that was kinda the point I was making about the tragic cricket habit
only you and Australia have such a dearth of culture and achievement that you base your self-worth on playing games
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:11, closed)

i think, if you think about it carefully, you might see that there is an edge of humour to the story
in reality we were just on the border and halifax was the nearest big maternity ward. even if a man would really make his wife drive for 3 hours whilst having the vaginal equivalent of an orange being yanked out of her nostril, what wife would put up with it?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:15, closed)

there's nowt funny about Yorkshire

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:23, closed)

Actually...
No we wouldn't, we were there at one point during the games but had dropped out of the top 20 come the final medal table.

You can't be a proper Yorkshirist unless you get the smug, self congratulatory pedantry right...
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:43, closed)

... or unless you rewrite history
some people think that the lancy tudors won the wars of the roses. those people are FOOLS.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:47, closed)

dunno ... most people in Lancashire paid enough attention at school to distinguish between the counties and the royal houses

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:16, closed)

paid enough attention at school to distinguish between the counties and the royal houses wish they were from yorkshire
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:29, closed)

I know you'd like to believe that
but I can affirm we'd rather be caught wanking in the school playground than be associated with a third-world county like yours.

And don't even get me started on Cheshire.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 21:29, closed)

Fascinating stuff
A pair of backward northern monkeys arguing over which patch of shitty irrelevant wasteland is shitter.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:06, closed)

calm down, underachiever
just because us monkeys waddle down here and take all your jobs and houses
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:12, closed)

You can have all the ex-council semis in the midlands you want mate.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:19, closed)

thanks ... if I ever live in the Midlands I'll be sure to keep your recommendations in mind

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:24, closed)

Sorry
I meant "home counties"
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:35, closed)

thanks ... if I ever live in the home counties I'll be sure to keep your recommendations in mind

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:02, closed)

Yeah alright you dull prick
It was a humourous reference to one of last weeks answers.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:08, closed)

thanks ... if I ever want humour advice from a needy sock puppet I'll be sure to keep you in mind

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:12, closed)

And as much as you like to tell people you live "down south"
You don't.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:15, closed)

I live in Cambridge ... same as I did the last time you got your knickers in a twist about this.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:17, closed)

That is the midlands
When you look from genuinely desirable places in the south-east
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:20, closed)

like wormwood scrubs?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:21, closed)

You don't really think these through
do you?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:24, closed)

it's almost like i don't put any thought into replying to you
i wonder why...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:28, closed)

Then I don't really understand your motivation for doing so
unless its general un-focused upset
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:36, closed)

your competition this morning
is a sheaf of noise meter readings for a high court claim.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:01, closed)

yerr ... there's nothing desirable about Cambridge
it's not like it inevitably comes top of quality of life surveys and best employer polls

Mnnnnnng.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:25, closed)

I have, unfortunately, been to Cambridge many times.
Outside the colleges, the place is a fucking hell-hole. I was lucky to get out without being stabbed.

But don't get upset. I'm sure the council estate you live on is LOVELY.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:33, closed)

mnnnnnnnng

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:57, closed)

I don't know what that means, sorry.

Is it the mating call of an upset retard?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:00, closed)

it's the noise you make when people grunt that black is white in public

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:15, closed)

To give you a glimpse of what life could have been like if only you had tried a bit harder at school
This is where I live
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:45, closed)

pipe down, Albert

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 11:58, closed)

No

Just another poster cleverer and more successful than you
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:04, closed)

oh double lol

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:14, closed)

fucking hell.

( rofl harris, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:17, closed)

35 miles out of london?
you couldn't buy a shoebox in town, love.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:01, closed)

still ... at least he isn't wasting chunks of his finite mortality sitting in traffic or cramped with the plebs on public transport

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:03, closed)

I cycle to work
and rent out a flat in Wimbledon.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:04, closed)

landlords let
tenants rent

also, wimbledon? hardly the royal borough.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:05, closed)

Fair enough
I bow to your greater expertise of the property sector.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:13, closed)

yesssss
internet victory. most important and pointful of all the victories.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:22, closed)

yes
walking to the corner shop to buy sticky and almost out-of-date battenburg slices must be so much more fulfilling
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:05, closed)

is this marshmallow-style random insult generation contagious or something?
I genuinely don't get it. Who is the audience?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:09, closed)

i just found your description of buying cakes for the plebs from the corner shop to be rather sad

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:10, closed)

I buy cakes for more junior colleagues.
I'm sorry this makes you sad. I buy their beer too.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:17, closed)

it made me sad, because corner shop cakes sound shit
but the beer thing makes you sound a bit... rapey.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:18, closed)

He goes into the off-license to buy beer and fags for them
and invites them round his house so they can use his playstation.

He's been doing it for years. All the local parents warn their kids not to go near him.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:24, closed)

some of them are closer in age to my kids
:(
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:47, closed)

Just think of all that time you could have spent with them instead of spending night and day seven days a week on the internet.
Secretly they must be pleased that their dick dad steers clear of them.
(Your name: Board Sig:, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:51, closed)

someone has just brought in mini battenburgs here
i lol'd
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:37, closed)

I fucking love battenburg.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:42, closed)

urgh, marzipan
got to peel that bit off first
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:03, closed)

look ... the faux indignation and upset is one thing
but this ... this is just totally fucking unacceptable on a public messageboard
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:10, closed)

it's disgusting stuff
i have duly peeled it off the outside. the inside is... ok. bit soggy.

mr kipling angel slices are much better.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:14, closed)

jesus ... you really do like plebcake

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:27, closed)

i don't really like cake tbh
only lemon drizzle.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 16:36, closed)

what sort of overweight office clerk are you?
100!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 17:05, closed)

there are plenty of other fattening things other than cake
101!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 17:25, closed)

^Foodwrong^
/ac
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:14, closed)

They are a bit nasty
but the cartesian symmetry appeals to my inner autism.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:19, closed)

lemon drizzle or gtfo

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:21, closed)

It may taste nicer
but it doesn't have an inversion centre.

Unless the cakes I consume conform to certain symmetry operations, my family will die.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:28, closed)

there's nothing "inner" about this autism, is there?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:34, closed)

the corner shop sells lemon drizzle made by WI types
it comes in paper bags that are so impregnated with syrup that you have to prise them off the counter
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:34, closed)

you're revising my opinion of the corner shop now

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:34, closed)

It's Cambridge ... the 'corner shop' is a fair trade cooperative.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:40, closed)

You mean
food bank
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 14:53, closed)

I think the same group do run a food bank.
Some poor cunts are probably expecting tins of spaghetti hoops and getting organic spelt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 15:40, closed)

I really live near here (better village) and not just randomly searching
best places to live.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2582467/Skipton-North-Yorkshire-named-best-place-live-Britain.html

No point linking the Sunday Times, as I am sure you don't pay the online subscription.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:09, closed)

LOL northern peasant

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:15, closed)

More gentry than peasant.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:22, closed)

Not sure I'd want to live anywhere the Telegraph rated so highly.

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 11:41, closed)

I hadn't bothered to click through but it appears to be a dead market town that's within commuting distance of London but not nice enough to be expensive.
I'm moving there immediately.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 13:35, closed)

Godalming, otherwise known as Godawful.

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 14:41, closed)

Alright
Stephen Fry
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 10:08, closed)

Cool! We can be IRL buddies!
You might get a bit of shock though - it's not midlands council estate prices here.
I suppose there's Help to Buy.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 10:07, closed)

it's considerably cheaper than here ... presumably because it has nothing to offer except a commute to London
dunno if you're serious or throwing a marshmallow but that looks about as attractive a prospect as a holiday in Miami in rainy season
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 11:39, closed)

You are deluded about where you live. I can't blame you, I would be too if I had to live there.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 13:56, closed)

did you even bother to read those links? there's not one housein Cambridge on that first page
450k buys you a four bedroom detached in Godawful or a two-up-two-down terrace in Cambridge.

mmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnng!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:14, closed)

Que?
Detached house Zed index (Cambridge): £488,334

Detached house Zed index (Godalming): £827,125

But don't let that stop you getting defensive about the value of your shabby ex-council semi.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:26, closed)

that's not in Cambridge, you thick fuck
This is the first detached house in that list that's actually in Cambridge and not one of the surrounding commuter villages:

m.zoopla.co.uk/home-values/browse/cambridgeshire/cambridge/#/home-values/trumpington/barrow-road/
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:29, closed)

I think someone might be getting a little bit
upset
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:43, closed)

I don't know why you would
it's your choice to live in a dreary commuter village with nothing but country pubs and the local Am Dram society to entertain you ... I'm sure the quantity surveyor and bank manager neighbours have some fascinating anecdotes while you're all waxing your Volvos on a Sunday morning
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:47, closed)

Aren't we due a big stroppy deletion
about now?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:53, closed)

I can if you like, Albert.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:55, closed)

bit harsh ... it's got a sweet shop and a bandstand ... it's a thrill-a-minute cultural centre
www.surreylife.co.uk/out-about/places/godalming_where_to_eat_shop_and_visit_1_1644637
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 14:26, closed)

Ahh the old uncited and in any event intangible "life survey" and "employer polls". They must make you feel better about your provincial backwater.
Here's another crap place in a crap survey if that makes you feel better about your subhuman hovel www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/ten-best-places-to-live-in-the-uk-solihull-comes-top-8938636.html?action=gallery&ino=1
(Your name: Board Sig:, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:21, closed)

any more upset sock puppets want to splash their tears here?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:31, closed)

At least I make a bit of an effort
to appear like I'm not just obsessed with him.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:34, closed)

and it's genuinely appreciated

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:48, closed)

says the scotch sockpuppet

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:14, closed)

Do try and keep up love.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:21, closed)

keep what up?
a scottish man's hand up my arse, like you??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:34, closed)

If the Yorkshire-born rule was still in force
I'd be eligible to play. The fact that I'm a slightly shit cricketer only enhances my claim.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:09, closed)

slightly shit?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:09, closed)

It was a reference to them losing yesterday.
Call yourself a Yorkshire lass, FFS.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:15, closed)

it depends who's asking
i was born there, but i never lived there, i got dragged off down south and then back up to cheshire and then back down south... i'm like a poor little waif and stray :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:17, closed)

Cheshire: the non-county

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:48, closed)

feck orf
it's very pretty and you've got manchester in one direction and the peak district in the other... what's not to like?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:36, closed)

I think if you're defining yourself by "stuff that isn't actually Cheshire but is conveniently close by" then you're basically arguing my point for me.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:41, closed)

"Cheshire: It's not Manchester"

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:46, closed)

Dorset: not quite as far away as Devon.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:56, closed)

Not even a 1st class county cricket team FFS

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:39, closed)

It could be worse
You could be scouse
Eating rats in your council house
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:45, closed)

Your mum's on the game,
Your dad's in the nick,
You can't get a job,
'cause you're too fucking thick.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 15:33, closed)

You look in the dustbin for something to eat
You find a dead rat and you think
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 14:54, closed)

its a treat ffs

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 19:24, closed)

I was born there and only lived there for 9 months. Still Yorkshire though.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Aug 2014, 13:41, closed)

I hate you and everything you represent

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:02, closed)

Says the sock puppet

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:17, closed)