Back in my days of innocence
I used to work in a late-night chemist after school. I would usually stay in the shop part on my own, with my colleague manning the drugs part downstairs.

One evening a man came in and started browsing around the shop, clearly looking for something. As a helpful assistant, I asked him if I could help him find anything.

"I'm going to a party", he replied, "Have you got, um, things I can take with me?"

Now, our gift selection was pretty poor, and I pointed this out to him, commenting that perhaps the off licence next door would be a better option, for wine or chocolates.

He just blushed, and said he'd look around himself. Imagine my confusion when he came up to the till with a toothbrush, toothpaste, a packet of razors and a face-cloth. "He must be planning to sleep over" I thought to myself, happily putting his purchases in a bag.

I nearly missed the box of Durex, as it was inexplicably wrapped up in the face cloth. Men, really, they're so daft when it comes to shopping!

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 17:41, Reply)

'Does your mother still pick her legs?'
my mother asked my cousin. 'No idea, sorry!' he replied, appalled at Ma's rudeness.
Ma went on, 'Only I've never fancied doing it, even when your mother did it years ago. But I know she did it a lot.'

Cousin went home seething about it. He told his wife, and said, 'fancy talking about Mother's eczema like that!'

Cousin's wife said, eczema? What's eczema got to do with pickling eggs?
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 17:41, Reply)

A mistunderstood wank statement
I went to a festival this year and on my return checked out my bank statement to assess the damage. Now, I don't know if the mobile BANK VAN done this on purpose (and If they did - nice one!). However, my statement clearly shows that I frequented a Wank Van several times over a weekend and spent quite a bit of money. Now I scare my bank manager at the best of times, so I dread to think what he'll think next time I ask to borrow yet more money and he takes a look at my account...hmmm.
(eurrrrrggggggghhhhhh Cunting /talk, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 17:39, Reply)

a right queer do...
In a restaurant in california, happened to be gay week at disney. most the lads have left the table for a tab, just finishing drinks and the waitress is clearing up.
local guide asks "So where are the other guys?"
me "they are all outside smoking fags."

dropped plates, smashed glasses...

guide"What! That means they are outside shooting gays!"

erm no. just smoking fags.
(bellboy last hit the tit on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 17:22, Reply)

Thank you, my friends!
Mistafeesh - I do want to. I really do. You know me too well, sir! You know me like a dormouse who knows his fellow dormice in a small hole beneath a...wait. Sorry. I'm not doing long posts any more.

Thank you, employee12754, for your kind words, ya daft racist. You are like a guerrilla of envelope-pushing social commentary riding astride the grand pubis of...sorry.

Mike Fishcake - I was a member of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle Fanclub back in '89ish. I got a pair of bright green day-glo shoe laces. Does the stusut79 fanclub involve such gimmickry? Maybe a stusut79 lemur-whistle fashioned from the ribs of a young African...oops!

Oh, sneep! I've heard about the fish oil, but it sounds like you have first-hand experience, my friend! Please elaborate. Does it create a huge gaping...damn. Sorry!

Humpty Dumpty was Pushed - bring those trout on and let the typing jamboree commence! Where do you keep these trout? Do you have a smallholding in Norfolk with various annexes, the walls of which are custom-made from cod-shaped maple carved with...sorry.

Mad McMad - I am pleased that you shivered! I shivered too, if it's any consolation. And no, it's not wrong. I'd be upset if you hadn't shivered. Tell me - did you shiver like a freshly raped dog, or was it more of a...bugger!

Naive Amoeba - let's all convert to Judaism and we can all smile together. In some kind of giant abandoned fish warehouse-cum-steam roller, blazing an unstoppable path to...wait a minute. Sorry. Best of luck with the penis.

Sameranda - thank you. I feel quite overcome. I feel I should now retire from b3ta all together and leave with warmth in my heart. But no! I'll just do a Les Dennis and stick around until I become stale and people resent the very thought of me. Then I'll shuffle away like a barely breathing, freshly-clubbed fur seal and wish I had never been born. I will weep, and my tears will flow forth and collect on the floor like a vast...oh dear.
(stusut79, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 17:18, Reply)

This afternoon in Sociology:
Attractive male: ....so if you find me hanging around in the the corridor...
Me: Oh don't kill yourself!
(Pixel, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Why oh Why??
bleep!
( freyamoon Submit!, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:18, Reply)

Hardware Store
I had to visit a small local hardware store last week for some bits I needed for my farm.
The little man who served me got it all wrong!
I asked if he had any fork handles and what does he give me? Four Candles! And if that wasn't bad enough, he tried to give me bath plugs instead of electric plugs, hoes, hosepipe and pantyhoes instead of letter O's and letter Ps instead of a tin of peas. Thanks god for his assistant who took over or we would have had some right trouble when I ordered my bill hooks!

RIP Ronnie
(stubbledchin, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:16, Reply)

Doy...
I was about to post asking for an 'I don't get it' link to click next to the 'I like this'. It took me about five attempts to get Soapy Norris's post.

I get it now.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:13, Reply)

The Chinese can be wonderful :)
In my broadband tech support job, call comes in;

Him - "How you open bwarband?"
Me - "Are you trying to browse?"
Him - "No, how you open bwarband?"
Me - "As long as the broadband is connected sir you should just be able to open a browser and that will connect you."
Him - "No, how you open bwarband box?"

The twunt only had his broadband modem on his lap and had plied two fecking screwdrivers into it. He'd half plied it open because he was bored apparently.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:11, Reply)

From the mouths of children
My aunt worked in a primary school for a while, and this was one of her treasured stories. Small child comes up to her and asks the following question; imagine a Scottish accent.

"Miss; am I a homo or a paki?"

Aunt goes into 'wtf' mode for about 3 seconds before she realises what the child means, which turns out to be rather innocent and it's her own twisted brain that brought the wrong thoughts into focus.

The child was asking if she was a home lunch or a packed lunch.

Could've ended in an punishment exercise, dont'cha know. Apologies for odour.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:01, Reply)

teh gay guides
visiting istanbul was introduced to a frenchman...
"whurt day yay deeurgh?" he asked
"i'm freelance and i write for some guidebooks," i said
he looked at me
"zat is okay, i em cool wiz zat. gay books."
"no! guide books"
"yiz. gay books. nuzzing to be embarrasse abeurt"
"no, not gay books, GUIDE books, like the famous michelin guide"
"quoi?"
"michelin, er, meesh-laahn? or in english, mitchell-inn. maaaaysh-lain?" [continued in this vein for ten minutes]
"ah! mchln!" he noted, finally,with no obvious vowels, "sew yeurgh are not gay? bet how lengue hef you wreeten for ze mchln guide?"
"no, i don't actually write for *that*, oh for fuck's sake, let's get a beer..."

the end
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 16:00, Reply)

At the tender age of four,
I asked why anyone would want to snort coke, seeing as 'the bubbles would sting your nose'.

Bless.

Fast forward a few years (11/12 to be more exact), and I got confused about the terminology for flared trousers. Cue me asking for a pair of 'bellends', not 'bellbottoms'. Eep.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:56, Reply)

well I'd never bloody heard of them before
Aged about eighteen I went round the flat of this guy I worked with who I'd started to get quite matey with. It was around Easter time, and he had a couple of hot cross buns his devout old mum had given him, which he duly shared out not long after I arrived.

An hour or so later he mentioned another easter-based delicacy that I was hitherto unaware of, something to do with Ash Wednesday. Not being the religious type myself, and him being a lapsed catholic, I made nothing of my ignorance but said ooh, yes please, that sounds nice.

He proudly got out this plate of cakes, told me he'd baked them himself, and made quite a big deal about eating one and giving one to me. Few minutes later he stands up to go to the toilet, but before leaving the room he grins at me, points at the cakes and says "now don't you go eating all of them".

I got the joke.
I knew what he meant.

I grinned back, said "okaaay" in the least sincere manner possible, and as soon as he disappeared I scoffed the whole fucking lot as fast as I possibly could, giggling my little arse off.

He came back in the room, looked at the empty plate, looked at me, and screamed "FUUUCK! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Ash Cakes", no.

Then I started to feel a little bit funny.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:52, Reply)

Head and Shoulders
Next time you see the current "Head and Shoulders" advert ("Would you put dandruff in this picture?"), allow your brain to cut off the last few syllables of the phrase "... with a splash of sea-minerals".

First time I watched it, the filthy side of my brain was in ascendance, and I'd spluttered my drink all over myself before they'd finished speaking the last word.
(kithkill, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Childbirth
When my sister was giving birth, her Indian midwife said "you are very lucky, you have a biiig budner". My sister assumed that it was Indian slang for a growler, but they later realised that she had said "partner".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Wine Tasting
In the office one afternoon talking about going to a wine tasting that evening (last week prententious!). Told the PA girl that it was going to be wines from tuscany.

Later on she told someone the wine tasting was wines from tesco.
(loquis, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Floppy Madness
A long, long time ago, I worked for a company that did payroll software and I sometimes had to cover the helpdesk. If the problem was non-obvious, we would always ask for them to send a copy of the payroll disk so we could check it out.

One morning we received, in response to the usual request, an A4 sheet of paper with a perfect photocopy of the payroll disk.


After much guffawing around the office we phoned the customer and explained what was required. Next day, the floppy arrived. With a compliments slip stapled right through it....

(L)Users!
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:19, Reply)

Woo
I once ordered a cider and black and the barmaid served me a SODA and black.


Oh how we laughed



P.S am also loving the Stu x
(Sameranda, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:18, Reply)

If I got a penny every time I smiled at stusut79's stories..
..I might as well just convert to judaism. So anyone who has a problem with his stuff will get a mushroom-slap across the face with my mould-ridden, flaccid penis.

As for a story, like the bloke who said about being a vegetarian for the day, it was like that in Lisbon. I am actually a vegetarian (I don't eat fish either), so when it came to eating, options were very limited. When in a restaurant, I asked what contained meat and asked specifically to make sure it's vegetarian. The moustached fellow, looking slighly confused, bounced off in the direction of the kitchen. He later came back with vegetable soup, garnished with the biggest fucking dock-off peice of bacon you have ever seen. I'm sure pigs aren't even that big.

On another unrelated note, on the plane home, the woman (because I'm 17) had to ask my sister's permission for me to drink coffee because "Coffee is bad for the heart and can cause serious damage". Funny how in the airport, 90% of the people were chain smoking.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 15:03, Reply)

Stusut79
Is it wrong that I just shivered in ecstasy when I noticed that you had typed my very own moniker with your purple gummi hands?

WRT the QOTW, my mum (who is Scottish) was on the phone to me recently and was telling me all about her middle aged friends who are just about to retire to the Shetlands. I was only half listening but my ears pricked up when she announced that it was a good thing they can get online at their new place as her friend was into porn films. Incredulously I asked her to repeat what she'd just said and she calmly replied "Chris really likes porn films". Now my mum is the sort of woman who thinks knickers is a swear word and refuses to even hear Graham Norton's name in the house ("that filthy little man") so you can imagine my surprise at her laid back acceptance of her friend's taste in movies. Anyway on further probing it turned out she was saying FOREIGN films. Oh how we laughed.
(Mad McMad, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:58, Reply)

one night stands
First things first, weirdcokechick:- Surely knocking out one sprog and having another on the way at 19 years old is a far worse habit than sniffing low grade charlie every weekend.

Or.... are you Jordan in disguise and is 19 your showbiz age. Heed the warning anyway, else your baby will turn out like harvey and your brain will be so mashed you'll end up with Andre.

Anyway, i digress..
Some time ago i met a girl on a drunken night out, one thing led to another and off we are heading back to hers with hardly any effort whatsoever. a woman with loose morals? They were slacker than Bush's Jaw..
Anyway, the deed is done and the vinegar strokes struck - pull out and the condom has split. The blood drains from my face and i begin to think about the possibilities. "oh, dont worry, im on the pill" she says.
As if gave a fuck about her being up the duff when i had to get myself down the clinic the following day to see if she left me with anything more than an empty worthless feeling :)
(inspoken, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:55, Reply)

wierdcokechick.
It requires Wisdom to understand Wisdom: Music is nothing if the audience is Deaf.

1 million monkeys: I bet one of them would learn to use a "shift key"... ;) and some would probably type the word "Sarchasm"

Stusut Sir, I can supply 26,999,999 Quality trout if you supply the Stusuts.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Well, I'll go with the spoonerism angle
My Nan, whilst watching re-runs of The Crystal Maze in the mid 90s:

nan: 'Ooh, it's a bit like those alligators'.
me: 'what?'
nan: 'you know, those alligators. Running about on TV in front of an audience. On ITV'
me: '(recalls no significant wildlife programs on ITV) Once again, what?!'
nan: 'They get people to fight against them. On ITV.'
me: '...'

Turned out she was talking about the steroid-fuelled cringe-fest, 'Gladiators'.

She is now 89, and her spoonerism gland is still operating at peak efficiency.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:23, Reply)

Geeza
Once whilst drinking in cheltenham waiting in a taxi que at the end of the night very drunk I see this guy in a buzzlightyear costume.

So I turn round to the guy standing behind me and go "geez look at that dude over there" the guy Iam speaking to for some reason decides I called him a git.

So not being a violent person and try and tell him wtf would I called him a git when cunt was a much better word etc.

So anyway the guy starts pushing me around and Iam thinking shit I cant fight for shit! Lucky my mate sees and knocks him out for me :)
(B0bThESpangleBoy, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:22, Reply)

what a day
mad story this...when i was alot younger, I met this girl, lovely she was a little bit underage but no-one minded, went to a party and then realised that her family were from a 'rival' estate and had got involved in a bit of a ruck awhile back, anyhoo I wasn't allowed to get involved with her and her dad said if he saw me well let's just say it's red and hot and poker shaped, anyway I though fruck this we'll get it on, woohoo, problem is her meathead chavtastic cousin and my best mate have an almightly barney and he pulls out a knife, my mate ends up in casualty...what a twat? pulling out a knife like that, i thinks I'm not having that so I shank him with me swiss army, his head hits the ground, shaking like an eppy he ends up in casualty and muggins is up for gbh...don't worry it's nearly over, my mate reckons I should lay well low or else i could get an asbo or something, so i go and visit my real dad,(who's a bit of a dealer) problem number 2 is well that bird is well fit and i want to see her again, so i ask my mate to tell my bird that i'm at my dads and she can come and visit, anyway i pop out to cash my giro and bird comes over and my dad gives her a hit of scag to smoothe her mind, she has a couple of beers and she's well out of it...COMA-TOSED!!!,the funny thing is I didn't know this see? anyway I get back, dad is out, and I think that the stupid bitch has o'd, anyway I can laugh now but I shat meself thought I'm up for GBH and now maybe murder so I did meself in, stupid I know but wtf? Anyway, little did I know that it weren't scag just a bit of skunk and bird wakes up and sees me covered in claret...silly cow takes my knife and does herself in as well...what a misunderstanding eh readers!!!
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:16, Reply)

Highlander
wow, you got off lucky.
imagine if she knew of your melon fucking days.


letsee... a tale of my own.

hmm

i once tried to talk to a mc'donalds employee in newzealand. they said "will that be eat in or take away?". i heard "blah blah blah sheep blah blah" ...not really. but i had no idea what they said. eventually they gave up.
(riedacher_bertram, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:10, Reply)

Llama Egg
Sat about watching some programme about Ostrich's my cousin started talking about when she was younger and she had a lovely little ornament.

"It was either a painted Ostrich egg or ..... erm.... a Llama egg" says her.

"Llama egg?" I ask

"Yeah, you know the ones that spit!"

After some investigation we relised she meant Emu??

Emu/Llama? go figure?!!!!
(bectoria, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Misheard
I was standing outside the office where I used to work having a fag with a colleague when she sighed and said 'I can't wait to get fisted...'. I said 'PARDON?!' to which she replied 'I said, I can't wait to get festive'. It was near Christmas and she was looking forward to that, not having someone's entire hand up her orifice.
(woohoo, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Arriving at the office after lunch...
... and noticing an odd smell caused by my collegue having cod&chips for lunch i shout out:

"Jeez, Gaby you smell like fish!"

She didn't see the funny side.
( bierbelly, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 13:54, Reply)