b3ta mixtape
How about a compilation of the Worst Songs in the World Ever. I vote for "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Colour me Badd. And anything by Westlife.
(frankspencer, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:15, 34 replies)

...
"Let Me Turn You On" by Biz Markie. Truly dire.

Anything by Roxette.

EDIT: having read the comments below, I've got Young at Heart as an earworm now. Gee, fucking thanks. I'd managed to eliminate that from my consciousness. Ditto the Vengaboys' output.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:28, closed)

Eww
"Fit but you know it" by The Streets

Just no.

(or yes in the context of a 'Worst of' mix tape)
(KangerooFlapjack, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:31, closed)

I am in total agreement
Colour Me Badd were quite possibly the biggest pile of dross going. 1991 must have been a watershed for shit songs...
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:34, closed)

I vote for
Build me up Buttercup. I loathe that song at the best of times but they were playing it roughly every five minutes at LAX after my plane was cancelled last week. Truly a low point...

And I agree about the Streets track as well.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:39, closed)

definitely
Don't Worry Be Happy. Definitely. When I hear that I want to club everyone in the world to death, then club myself. When the whistling bit starts I want to gouge out my own ear drums with a teaspoon. My idea of hell is a Stena Irish Sea ferry filled with noisy unsupervised schoolkids and no spare seats at 1am in the morning with Don't Worry Be Happy on a loop, which is kind of how last night was pretty much bordering on the afterlife I probably deserve.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:40, closed)

Missy Elliott - why?
I am struggling to think of a more offensive "artist". Even the sight of her face makes me want to slap her obnoxious and staggeringly untalented gob right off my TV screen.

They shoot John Lennon and let Missy Elliott live...

Short of watching Gordon Brown offer a tearful and grovelling apology for being a monumental cunt before disembowelling himself with a blunt knife live on the six o clock news, there isn't another celeb I'd rather watch being removed from my misery in some massively painful fashion.

That said, the duet with Mel B was the second most awful thing my ears ever had to endure. Quite possibly worse even than the hilariously electronically enhanced Victoria Beckham screeching her way through "Out of your mind" in the manner of a freshly castrated tomcat or Jah Rule who could not even inhabit the same continent as a correct note.

Other laughably titled "musicians" I'd like to see slowly lowered into a boiling tank of liquid zinc are Craig David, Akon, 50 Cent, Sophie Ellis Bextor, Dexys Midnight Runners, Danni Minogue, Geri, Girls Aloud...

*edits*

Celine fucking Dion, Britney, Christina Gorilla, James Blunt, anyone who calls themselves "Emm Cee" or whatever...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:43, closed)

Any Modern

R&B.

Much has little rythm and none is the blues!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:44, closed)

My own most hated
is most definitely The Bluebells "Young at Heart" Released in 1984 and 1993, I hated it with a vengeance both times.

Anything by Boyz II Men must be a candidate too.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:46, closed)

I can probably think of worse stuff
but the Beautiful South really piss me off with their horrifyingly twee arrangements.

I also fucking hated the Housemartins with a vengeance as well...

Oh, and in agreement with PJM over Craaaaaig Daaaavid too. In fact only just on Friday evening I was lamenting the useless tit's extreme lack of talent. Vociforously, I might add.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:52, closed)

You're gorgeous
by Babybird

fucking shite

also, anything by the Manic Street Whiners
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:54, closed)

Anything released / unleashed by an X Factor finalist
I won't do them the courtesy of searching, but I'm thinking particularly of the ones by the st..st..st..stammering kid and the ginger Scottish heiffer.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 16:55, closed)

ooh ooh!!
Murder on the Dancefloor by Sophie Ellis Baxter / Bextor / whatever.

I positively ache with desire to slap that bitch silly.

Goes equally for her other tracks.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:04, closed)

Johnny Reggae
By The Piglets.

Horrible. Just Horrible.
(Big D, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:16, closed)

The Streets
When he first appeared, I was waiting for someone to tell me it was all a spoof. But it wasn't.
(frankspencer, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:16, closed)

oh dear...
coming back to haunt me...


"Blue" by Eiffel 65 (that what they were called?)
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:22, closed)

"Blue" by Eifel 65
Fucking terrible.

The UN ought to put those responsible on trial for crimes against human rights.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:31, closed)

karaoke
The vast number of murderous attempts makes me want to clean out my ears with a hammer-drill.
Two tracks in particular.

Simply the best - No. Really. You aren't.

My heart will go on - I wish she'd sunk with the fucking ship.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:33, closed)

to continue with crackhouse's trapped in hell theme
mine would involve a loop consisting of "brown eyed girl" and anything, ANYTHING by bob marley. Sung by Robbie Williams...

whilst being held down and sanded gradually from the feet upwards...

In Ikea.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 18:01, closed)

Anything by James Fucking Brown
And all because back in the day (the 90's - ask your parents) I used to "work" for a pisspoor local radio station. Now around this time the powers that be were launching the National Lottery, and what better way to publicise it than to send out local radio DJs like me into shopping centres to explain to the bovine masses how it works, and having a few pretend goes so that everybody understands the principles. Ergo, picture if you please: me, in a too-tight yellow t-shirt with the station logo on it, manboobs straining out of the flimsy polycotton mix, speaking into a £5 microphone with feedback gaily reverberating back from the windows of the pound-stores which were the only sort of shop that thrived in the dreadful white elephant of a mall. Yes, there I am, explaining to a motley assortment of urine-reeking old grannies, urine-reeking tramps and urine-reeking drunkards just exactly how they can piss away a pound every week on something they haven't a hope of winning. All the while, James Bastard Brown is on a loop tape banging on about how "I Feel Good!". Endlessly. For six hours a day. Over three days.

And that's how I learned to hate James Brown.
(highly_defined, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 18:18, closed)

utterly diabolical
Secret Smile by Semisonic. Holy fuck that is dog awful.

Anything by them in fact. And the entire recorded
output of Blur.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 18:45, closed)

daniel bedingfield
"if you're not the one then why does my heart feel baaaaaad tooooodaaaaaaaay?" screeches the nasal high voiced whining complete total and utter twat. i loathe it.

"hang on in there baby" - no, no. don't.

"itsy bitsy" - speaks for itself

the cheeky girls. and las ketchup. although technically that's not really music as such.

anyone ever seen bobby conn? worth looking on youtube. hilarious. but at least he is sort of taking the piss.

"you ain't got no alibi, you is just u-g-l-y" - er. quite. takes one to know one, daphne. and you celeste.

every last note by the vengaboys makes my ears want to tear themselves off my head and stuff themselves up my nose and down my throat to stop me breathing.

there's a Lot of songs that will be illegal when i am prime minister. a very lot.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 18:55, closed)

Steps
"Horny" - dear god, no! S Club 7 "Don't Stop" and anything else sung by twats who look like Blue Peter presenters. I only started liking anything that wasn't classical when I was 14 and went straight into Pink Floyd et al, so never really had an embarassing "Wow, boy bands are so cool!" stage, but had to sit through in an all girls school while everyone else did. Feckin' miserable.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 20:15, closed)

Another from the bowels of hell
Daphne and Celeste's mind numbing effort "Ooh Stick You" which, according to Wikipedia reached Number 8 in the charts. What sort of people buy this rubbish?



PS:Agree with Rakky on "Brown Eyed Girl" I would rather have my ears cut off with a blunt knife than be subjected to that shite.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 20:28, closed)

I'm with you naked ape...
I can handle most music and with enough alcohol, I can dance the night away to the birdy song...but R&B is shite. I love soul music and blues but this modern stuff all sounds the same - fact.

Usher makes me want to rip out my womb just in case he decides to take a fancy to me and wants me to bear him children.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 20:50, closed)

Surely one of the worst ever....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKX1EY6dkIY

Click above to see the video of Vanilla "singing" their hit single "No Way, No Way" which, believe it or not reached the dizzy heights of No.14.

I sent the cassingle of it to my sister in Australia so she, too, could experience the full horror.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Mon 11 Feb 2008, 21:21, closed)

Oh yes
PJM is spot on with Sophie Ellis Bextor. She shouldn't be allowed within 100 miles of a recording studio or a performance venue ever again!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 21:59, closed)

Orville
And his orifice. With the pretruberence from said orifice shaped like Keith Harris - what an oleagenous cunt he was! And what did they call their spaktard song? Fucking Orville's Song for Christ's sake...
I'd love to staple the gobbing green gonad to a mouldy park bench in some sink estate, then cover the little twat in velcro. Then slowly rip it off til he was bald and shiny like that stupid fucking beak of his.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 23:46, closed)

Sorry to people who like this one, but...
"I am the one and only" by Chesney "Why-Are-You-Wasting-Five-Minutes-Of-Perfectly-Good-Dancefloor-Time-With-This-Ear-Rape" Hawkes.

The worst thing about it is that, despite it being a really risible bit of "music", everyone in the pub or club whoops like a shit eighties banshee and proceeds to drunkenly shamble into formation like a legion of cunts.

Argh!
(I grew it myself, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 3:32, closed)

I should not be allowed to rant about music...
...I find it brings out the worst in me.

But I agree entirely with Nakedape and PJM. Also woo and yay to Tourette's for cunning use of the word "oliagenous*"

But anyway, Pete Waterman has an awful lot to answer for, and could probably make up a good half of this CD, given the utter cockrot he turned out for the Spice Girls, Steps, etc, etc ad infinitum.

And Robbie fucking Williams? How can a man look so punchably smug? But then I suppose if you made that much money out of the general public by pissing me off with your horrible, whiny, and flagrantly plagiarised records, you'd be a bit pleased with yourself.

And finally onto modern "RnB." As a big fan of early Who (the days when they coined the "Maximum RnB" tag) as well as a lot of blues, I fail to see what resemblance this modern crap bears to Rhythm and Blues. Does it stand for something different these days? It just seems to be half-nude women gyrating to crap rhythms with that "don't even go there, sister" look**, or guys with overly elaborate facial hair who believe they're god's gift to womankind.

Gah, I've got to stop. This isn't good for my blood pressure...

Edit: Just saw the Chesney Hawkes post above. Spot on. Why, why in fuck's name do people get so overexcited about a record they would never have bought unless forced to by a man holding a gun to their testicles, just because it comes on in a club and it's something they've heard before? How do these circumstances make it any less of an aural gang-rape?

*_{I may have misspelt that...}
**_{Possibly the one look that is more punchable than Robbie Williams' testicle-for-a-face.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 9:37, closed)

Further to my recent rants
Chesney Hawkes will always have a special place in my memory, for he was at number one in the charts when I parted with my v-plates. No, I'm really grateful, because if it wasn't for Chesney, my virginity song would either be Do the Bartman or the monumentally fucking terrible ear-fuck that is the Shoop Shoop Song.

Were it not for the fact that given the amount of surgery she's had, Cher could reconstitute from her separated body parts in the style of a T-1000 Terminator, I'd be strongly suggesting that she is hung, drawn and quartered for Shoop Fucking Shoop.

I must reserve a special rant for the likes of the IQ deficient, borderline anorexic and tone deaf bints who think they're up to the task of covering Bowie, Red Hot Chilli Peppers et al....
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 12 Feb 2008, 10:15, closed)

Ozone
and that terrible Mya He Mya Ha song...

Edit: this one: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragostea_din_tei

Edit 2: and courtesy of cr3... here: www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/music-plus/index.php?music=Ozone+Dragostea+din+tei
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:48, closed)

Showing my age here
Europe.The Final Countdown. Oh God.

And for least inspiring lyrics ever it's that septic bird in a black & white video with a semi-comatose bloke being given a bath in some East Texas hell hole. I can't remember the name (and it is doing my frigging swede in) but it's always in the '100 greatest lovesongs' and it makes me shout "fucking get on with it you drippy waste of phlange" every time it's played. Grr.


Edit: "I'll Stand By You" - The Pretenders. Happy now as brain released for other tasks such as breathing.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 12:57, closed)

Just thought of another two...
Russel "weasel-face" Watson and Katherine "blowup-sexdoll" Jenkins.

Talentless oiks, the both of them. They think that they can just do a breathy version of "Nessun Dorma", add a shitload of sweeping orchestral sounds in the background, and then overproduce it to buggery, and that they will automatically be thought of as clever, talented and musical artistes.

Real opera singers have to go through years and years of training to be any good, and then Watson and Jenkins (and other people of similar ilk) just waltz in with their warbling voices and 'come-hither' eyes, getting their baps (or pecs) out, and worming their way into the public's affections. The result is that a large proportion of the public now think that that is how classical music is meant to sound, and no longer appreciate the hard work and stamina that real singers have to put in to get anywhere in the profession.

If I could stick a bunch of crossover artists, plus Eiffel 65, Westlife and Cliff Richard in a leaky inflatable dinghy, and push it out to sea off the coast of South Africa in shark breeding season, I'd be happy. I'd throw Jodie Marsh into the mix for good measure.

Rant over now. Sorry. That was nicely cathartic though!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:18, closed)

^ AND Cliff Pissing Richard
has a colostomy!
Which is my all-time favourite medical word from the Greek language;
colos = arse + stoma = mouth / opening

AND he's a cunt!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 11:16, closed)