i went on a ghost walk once.
there was a woman there who said she had a connection with the spirit world. like fuck you do, you stupid hippy slag.
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 15:03, 3 replies)

Weird floating paranormal ball of weirdness
My brother and I were sitting in the living room listening to the record player (note to younger readers: this was a technology before MP3, even before CDs). As we sat there we both became aware of a bubble rising from the record player: a kind of spherical shimmering in the air, about the size of a tennis ball. It rose a couple of feet and then burst with a pop, like someone blowing bubble gum. I looked at my brother, he looked at me: neither of us knew what it was. We examined the record player: nothing to be seen, and the music just kept playing as normal. Never seen anything like it before or since. I can only assume that it was the ghost of a disgruntled session musician somehow becoming physical.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:50, 3 replies)

I used to work in a pub, parts of which dated back to 1104 and which had a licence to serve ales since 1248
Apparently it was haunted by the ghost of an old lady who smoked a pipe. All I can say is, she must have been a very shy old lady, as I never saw so much as a glimpse of her, and I used to be there very late at night (lock-ins went on for hours) on my own.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:47, 11 replies)

I don't know what to believe
I was disgusted to hear about our double gold-winning Olympic distance runner suffering racist abuse, due to coming from Somalia as a child.


It's wrong that Britain's Mo's taunted.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:45, Reply)

During casting for the Three Stooges
it was universally agreed that Chris Diamontopoulos was the best man for the job. The other candidates were roundly castigated for their second class efforts. Verily were the beta Moes taunted.
( High Lord Phanty, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:44, Reply)

Madeleine McCann

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:40, 4 replies)

Rolling pin
Pearoast so I'll paraphrase, an old wedding present, a rolling pin finds new a home in parents new 'down sized' tiny barn conversion. Placed in cupboard, rolling pin not frequently required. Becomes needed. Everyone gets the blame for stealing it. Eventually a new one is procured. I go to place new pin in its long lost partners place. Wedding present old rolling pin is sat in its place, probably grinning.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:35, Reply)

I don't want to see a ghost,
that's the sight that I fear most.
Rather have a piece of toast,
and watch the evening news...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:34, 14 replies)

The refresh rate on my flat screen TV isn't very good.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:26, 2 replies)

There are no such thing as ghosts
So all of these stories are lies, imagined or mental illness.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:26, 4 replies)

Pearoast from the Mums QOTW
My Mum is a deeply religious lady (but open-minded with it - to a certain degree).

When I was a little lad, my mum always responded to my endless curiosity about the world by providing me with facts and science and evidence and all the rest.

"My ghost-trap has triggered! I found a ghost!"
"Maybe, or did the wind just make it go off? Which is more likely?"
"I suppose it was probably the wind."

Strangely, as a result of this, she seemed surprised to have ended up with a son who at the age of about six said "I don't believe in god because he doesn't agree with evolution", and has been resolutely atheist ever since...
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:21, 4 replies)

I don't believe in any of this guff.
As I have expressed before in QOTW, I used to work in a supermarket.

Said supermarket had been refitted and volunteers (those short of beer money wanting a shift at double-time) worked overnight to restock the shelves before it reopened on the Monday. Break time arrived and as the majority of us sat there eating bacon sandwiches the following occurred-
-The sturdy fire-door to the canteen, to the left of where we were sat, opened wide, apparently of its own accord.
-The long line of mugs and teacups that hung up against the back wall of the kitchen area all rattled against each other, from left to right.
-Another sturdy fire-door, to the right of where we were sat, opened wide, again apparently of its own accord.
-A pigeon flew into one of the window and mode a loud 'thudding' noise.
-The more superstitious of our number freaked the fuck out and screamed, further adding to the weirdness of the situation.

I don't know what caused this to happen but I know IT WASN'T BLOODY GHOSTS as every member of staff with two X chromosomes would point out at every opportunity, even if they weren't actually there. In a way I wish it was ghosts, because at least then I'd have an explanation.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:19, 6 replies)

Darkness
I haven't had any first hand experiences with phantoms or ghouls, and really don't think I ever will. Something tells me this is pretty safe bet. I also think it's reasonably obvious anyone who does think they have had an encounter with the supernatural is a bit of a fucking irrational mentalist, to be blunt.

Whilst we're here, one thing i've never understood about paranormal investigators is their insistence they conduct all their investigations in complete darkness. I mean why? What effect other than injecting the added element of their own innate fear would this matter experiencing the supernatural?

I've watched many of these paranormal investigations shot in complete darkness and watched these muppets frighten themselves to death as they work themselves up into a hysterical frenzy, only to risk serious injury walking into walls and doors, etc. It seems needlessly pointless, though amusing to watch their hilarious antics communicating with the creeks and moans of old masonry and the wind.

Lao Tzu remarked if there were ghosts then the highways would be extremely crowded.
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:17, 3 replies)

When I was a boy I was convinced I saw the ghost of an Action Man tank on my bedroom floor one dark and stormy night.

Turned out that all it was, right, was that 'I LEFT MY TOYS OUT'.


EDIT: I don't even know why I posted this. I just felt compelled, as if I was being controlled by some kind of supernatural power beyond my imagination. Well weird.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:08, 28 replies)

I once stayed in a villa on holiday in Spain that was haunted.
There were 2 buildings - the main villa and a second smaller annex, that my older brother slept in, with an olive tree between them.

I was about 10 and shared a room in the main building with my younger brother who would have been about 8.

The first night I woke up in the middle of the night (no idea what the time was) to see a man standing at the bottom of my bed and the room was freezing cold. I just pulled the blanker over my head and went back to sleep.

In the morning I told my parents and point blank refused to sleep in there again so was moved into the annex with my older brother - which seriously pissed him off!

The next night my dad woke up in the middle of the night and was convinced that someone was at the bottom of his bed and leapt out of bed shouting and threw his bedside light across the room at "him". But, you guessed it, there was no-one there.

At this point we're all a bit freaked out and there was talk of being moved to another villa or even going home.

The next day the weekly cleaner rocked up and tells my dad that 3 years previously a man had hanged himself from the tree that was between the 2 buildings.

After that it was fine. No more visitations and we had a nice holiday.

I don't believe in ghosts but this happened and it still gives me goosebumps over 30 years later.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 14:07, Reply)

Great, another week made up of 100% fake stories about non-existant things.

( Victor Meldrew, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:55, 2 replies)

It was late, we were driving home in the rain; I thought I saw something flying across the two-lane,
it was white like an angel, or like a curse - there and gone in a second, in front of us.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:53, 5 replies)

Ghost, or transvestite, or transvestite ghost?
Late, late on a Saturday night, and I am driving with my (now ex-) wife down the A35 towards Dorchester and the turn-off home in Weymouth. It is a cold evening on the Tolpuddle Bypass, with the odd patch of fog drifting insubstantially across the road like some lost soul trapped between this world an the next. Much like a...

"Ghost! Did you just see that ghost?"

I am dragged out of auto-pilot by the alarmed shouts of my darling wife at what I had – at first – taken to be a late-night hitch-hiker.

"You mean the figure at the side of the road?" I ask.

"You saw it too?"

"The figure at the side of the road in a long white gown?"

"That's unreal," she said". "Just wait until I tell everybody. It... it... was almost like an angel."

"That wasn't no ghost or an angel," I say, yet she doubts me.

Alas, I have unpleasant memories of this particular stretch of the A35, it being Pervert Country, and southern England's premier transvestite dogging spot

To this day, she maintains that she saw the ectoplasm-spattered tortured ghost of some poor abandoned bride. I know I saw some bearded truck driver in a plus-sized frock hoping for a blow job. And that wasn't ectoplasm.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:51, Reply)

my mate Edward
tried to convince me that he had sex with a ghost once.

Apparently he was banging away at this spectral bird with awesome norks for half an hour.

"right up to my nuts in her ectoplasmic guts" he said.

When he had just chucked his muck his mum walked in and saw him still erect with his nob covered in ladygarden ectoplasm.

Apparently she just handed him a cup of tea and said

"Moist horn Ted"
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:50, 3 replies)

Just thought of something really terrifying.
What if a ghost sharpened a pencil over your head?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:46, 6 replies)

I can never make it all the way through romantic fantasy film 'Ghost' without a good cry

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:40, 8 replies)

Paranormal.. or just couldn't work it out
I've got a box in the corner of my living room. Sometimes strange flickering lights come out of it and voices, so many voices. It frightens me and sometimes the flickering lights look like people who are trying to talk to me.

It appears that in the infinite beyond of the void the dead are concerned with Toothbrushes, Coffee, Comparing Insurance and Buying Any Car.
( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:36, 1 reply)

When I was about 4 my mother moved into a 100+ year old cottage up towards Buxton
In my bedroom was an old Wooden school desk.
Apparently for the first few months I would tell my parents of a little school boy who would come to visit me in the night and that he kept his school books in the compartment inside the desk.

This freaked out my mum so she got rid of the desk and after that I never mentioned it again.

Makes the hairs on my arms stand up whenever I think about that even though I know ghosts are bollocks.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:35, Reply)

I had sex with your Mums ghost.
(betty swollocks, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:33, Reply)

I don't believe in goats.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:31, Reply)

shittest question yet.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:31, 8 replies)

First Bruce Willis related answer.

(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:30, Reply)

I thought I had sex with a ghost once.
But it was just SHEDULUS wearing a white sheet.
And that's how I learned that SHEDULUS was a massive racist.
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:29, 1 reply)

2nd

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:28, Reply)

First
I dun sex with a ghost.
(CasuallyObscene, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 13:27, Reply)