Holding out for a hero...
In the immediate aftermath of the London 7/7 bombings, the city was in chaos.

The tube was closed, all buses were called in and the trains were not running. As the working day ended, what seemed like 100,000's of people were aimlessly walking the streets, fighting over the tiny number of taxis still on the roads.

With no plans to get the transport system up and running any time soon, the huge logistical nightmare of stranded commuters became more and more apparent.

I was lucky. I was working in Camden at the time and traveled to work on my trusty Vespa ET4. I could escape.

But not wanting to go home, I cruised the streets taking in the apocalyptic scenes, you could not move for TV crews, whilst all the time sirens continued to blare from every direction.

Near Euston I was suddenly overtaken by a posse of moped riding chavs. They screamed past me in a blur of souped-up Gileras and Yamahas, heading at break-neck speed to the station.

Thinking something major had just occurred I tagged behind and followed them to the main entrance. I watched as they all dismounted and then began shouting at the large crowd milling about outside.

'Anywhere within five miles, £20!' I heard one of them scream.

Suddenly a scrum of people charged the bikers. Literally fighting them off, each scooter owner selected a passenger, passed them a helmet, helped them on the back and then rode off at terrifying speeds.

Wow! I thought. These kids are geniuses. They'd seen an opportunity and jumped on it. Calculations ran through my head, they'd easily be able to do 20-30 journeys - and at £20 a pop, some of them would clear over £600 via their impromptu taxi service. Clever bastards.

No! I thought. This is blatant profiteering. A disgusting, cynical attempt to make money from a horrible situation. These kids should be ashamed of themselves, screwing fellow Londoners for cash when the city was under attack. What happened to the Blitz Spirit?

Filled with righteous outrage, I pulled up alongside the melee and shouted at the top of my voice:

'Anywhere within five miles, £10!'

There was a split-second of silence as the crowd looked my way. A lovely looking blonde ran over and straddled the rear seat, wrapping her arms instantly around my waist.

'Can you take me to Hampstead?' She begged. 'I've been waiting for three hours.'

I explained that I didn't have a spare helmet - but reasoned that the police would have more important things on their mind. And as I pulled away, leaving the gang of chavs to deal with an almost violent bidding war, I caught a proper glimpse of my passenger in the rear view mirror. She was gorgeous!

As we sailed up the near empty streets towards the sumptuous surroundings of NW3, my mirrors were filled with a vision of blonde hair billowing in the wind. She grinned happily as we tore past angry mobs of permanently stranded working folk. And I grinned too - as every time I braked, she squeezed me tighter and her lovely breasts flattened against my back.

We were at her place within 10 minutes. She hopped off and fished inside her bag for a tenner.

'Thank you so much,' she said, 'would you like to come in for drink, its been a hell of a day?'

I politely declined, as by my calculations, I'd be able to clear over £300 if I kept at it.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:45, 84 replies)

I don't remember the tubes being closed in the evening, and most of the 'buses were back up by 4pm.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:52, closed)

I remember it very differently - and so does Wikipedia:
'For most of the day, central London's public transport system was largely out of service following the complete closure of the Underground, the closure of the Zone 1 bus network, and the evacuation of incident sites such as Russell Square. . River vessels were pressed into service to provide a free alternative to overcrowded trains and buses. Local lifeboats were required to act as safety boats, including the Sheerness lifeboat from the Isle of Sheppey in Kent. Thousands of people chose to walk home or to the nearest Zone 2 bus or railway station. Most of the Underground, apart from the stations affected by the bombs, resumed service the next morning, though some commuters chose to stay at home.'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:55, closed)

You missed out
"Bus services restarted at 4 p.m. on 7 July"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:58, closed)

Not in Zone 1.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:58, closed)

Also
Do you always carry a spare helmet about with you?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:05, closed)

No I don't.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:06, closed)

Ahem
I explained that I didn't have a spare helmet - but reasoned that the police would have more important things on their mind.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:16, closed)

Oh yeah - I couldn't be bothered to read that far.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:20, closed)

So what you are saying is
that you skimmed Wikipedia before making this up.
(Frank Snow, Mon 13 May 2013, 13:33, closed)

Most, but by no means all.
Even if they were, there was a hell of a backlog. I left work at 18:00 that day and it took me three hours to travel from the City to Ealing.
( .Yeti., Mon 13 May 2013, 11:56, closed)

Yeah I know. Mrs V and I just went to the 'pub instead, which was equally impossible to get into.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 13 May 2013, 11:59, closed)

Albert, you should have run a "Pint delivered anywhere within five miles, £15" service.

( .Yeti., Mon 13 May 2013, 12:04, closed)

Pints on a moped?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:06, closed)

turtle power!

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:12, closed)

Find a pub that lets you take away pints in a milk carton.
There are at least two in Oxford so there must be some in London.
( .Yeti., Mon 13 May 2013, 12:20, closed)

Next terrorist attack - I'm on it.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 12:23, closed)

Do you write for Razzle?

( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Mon 13 May 2013, 13:09, closed)

You should have gone in her house!
I think she wanted a shag!!
(TheColonel, Mon 13 May 2013, 13:21, closed)

This is about as believable as that enormous property portfolio you have.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 13 May 2013, 13:37, closed)

I'd certainly waste my evening for a paltry 300 quid if I was Rockerfeller here.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 14:53, closed)

Back in 2005, £300 was a decent sum.
Post 2007 interest-rate meltdown, you're right, I wouldn't get out of bed for it.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 14:55, closed)

Sorry, pudding. We're scoffing at you.
Nobody is actually indulging you in a conversation about your incoherent delusions.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 15:21, closed)

Really?
My life is firmly rooted in reality.

I understand you've dedicated a good 10 years of your life to becoming the self-styled 'top dog' of a random comedy website. Well done you! That kind of dedication is all too rare these days, I applaud your efforts and salute your steadfastness. May it serve you well in life.

Now please, don't let me keep you from your scoffing.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 15:46, closed)

In your reality you can't even count the number of imaginary properties you have up for sale.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 16:11, closed)

Scoffing again?
Or wasting your time indulging the rampant delusions of a serial fantasist?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 16:17, closed)

Shambo really doesn't like this pic
especially when I make a piss-weak joke about "scoffing". He keeps deleting it.

Thanks, HP. :-)
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 15 May 2013, 23:33, closed)

There's no ending. Did you make your £300?
Or did you give in *and* manage to turn down a pretty girl?
( Bats, Mon 13 May 2013, 14:58, closed)

An internet virgin, failing to get laid?
Good heavens!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 13 May 2013, 15:03, closed)

He'll have the last laugh when he's sitting in his imaginary property frotting over hacked emails.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 15:24, closed)

If this really happened, you've pretty much admitted to tax evasion here.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 13 May 2013, 15:30, closed)

Shit. Call the cops.
Or maybe I declared it.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 15:48, closed)

Applied for a minicab license at the same time, eh?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 13 May 2013, 16:58, closed)

Busted!
Call the cops.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 17:02, closed)

Busted! You're twisting my melon, man.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 13 May 2013, 18:36, closed)

This is bollocks
I was working in central London that day. There were no stranded commuters. Everyone I know got home fine (other than a friend of a friend who got blown up).
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Mon 13 May 2013, 17:49, closed)

It seems very unlikely that a dreary internet fantasist would invent a dull and unconvincing lie and post it to qftw.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 17:54, closed)

Yeah.
And the thousands who chose to walk for hours to get home?

And the individual stories about gridlock and chaos (detailed in the beeb article below) - all bollocks too?

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4662809.stm

I think you were somewhere else that day.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 18:40, closed)

I walked up Edgware Road , there were plenty of buses running after 6
My Dad took a tube home from Baker Street to Chorleywood. My brother took a train from Euston (yeah, you know that place where there were thousands of stranded people who couldn't walk the 45 minutes up the hill to Hampstead?) back to Watford Junction. My flatmate walked up to St John's Wood and caught a tube. My girlfriend stayed in a pub until 9 then shared a taxi. You are talking shit.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Mon 13 May 2013, 19:18, closed)

I can't believe you /talk trolls come over here and point out the massive gaping holes in the pissweak internet lies of a pissweak internet liar.
It won't do, you know. It really won't.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 19:30, closed)

Yeah.
Those lying cunts at the BBC. What a bunch of fantasists.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 21:18, closed)

Fair enough, let's accept that your made up story is true
You turned down a chance to have sex with a beautiful rich blonde in order to ferry strangers about London. Given that it takes around 40 minutes to drive to Hampstead and back from Euston, you were being paid £15 an hour. Well fucking played.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Mon 13 May 2013, 21:30, closed)

Euston to Hampstead 40 minutes?
Ten each way, max.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 21:33, closed)

OK, meet you in the middle, 30 minutes
£20 an hour. Well fucking played.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Mon 13 May 2013, 21:47, closed)

Telling weak lies and then arguing around them is his schtick.
He's totally having a wank every time there's even a hint that you're taking him seriously.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 22:25, closed)

And stalking me round this site is yours.
You're like a tiny buzzing mosquito in my ear all the time. Do you ever stop?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 22:33, closed)

Still not really learned what that word "stalking" means have you pet?
I think it's time you went back on 2.0 ... soz.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 May 2013, 22:56, closed)

Thank God.
The buzzing has ceased. I can hear again!

Wonderful this ignore thing. Truly wonderful.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 14 May 2013, 10:09, closed)

Jesus you're thick.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 14 May 2013, 15:37, closed)

Is he?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 14 May 2013, 17:05, closed)

Zounds!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 14 May 2013, 17:18, closed)

I must say I'm quite enjoying your increasingly frantic attempts to pretend to actually ignore the people you have on ignore.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 15 May 2013, 12:11, closed)

There's no meeting in the middle.
It's a 3 mile journey - and on a moped, on a day when traffic was almost non-existent, that journey takes no less than 10 minutes.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 22:30, closed)

i couldn't give a fuck about the rest of it
but the stranded bit is not bollocks.

i "got home fine", but i had to walk from bank to hammersmith. there wasn't a bus in sight until i got to barons court, by which point i was nearly home. and the streets were rammed with other people walking. including my flatmate, who only had high heels, and who limped in crying (admittedly a stupid bitch for not stopping to BUY TRAINERS on the way).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 14 May 2013, 12:04, closed)

If you can walk home
You're not exactly stranded. I'm sure a few business wankers stuck a night in a hotel on expenses to avoid doing so. They weren't fighting each other outside mainline train stations for the chance of a lift off an internet fantasist, though.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Tue 14 May 2013, 14:37, closed)

And would your limping, crying friend have paid £10 for a quick lift home on a bike?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 14 May 2013, 15:37, closed)

alright Walter

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 13 May 2013, 18:38, closed)

Hey he has some MITTYGATING CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!!!!
GEDDIT????
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 14 May 2013, 11:57, closed)

I'm reading the comments here and I'm thinking
Cunt.
cunt
CUNT!
cunt?
CUNT

It's like watching the Spice Girls
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Mon 13 May 2013, 22:13, closed)

You're far funnier in character.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 13 May 2013, 22:31, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 14 May 2013, 12:02, closed)

I'll tell you what I did, what I really really did

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 14 May 2013, 9:48, closed)

She'd have been better off walking for half an hour and getting the North London Line from Camden to Hampstead Heath. I know that was definitely running, because I lived in West Hampstead at the time and worked in Highbury, although Highbury station was closed that day.

This is bollocks.
(cs1ca, Tue 14 May 2013, 0:13, closed)

L

I

N

E

B

R

E

A

K

S
(PsychoChomp, Tue 14 May 2013, 11:50, closed)

I can imagine you had the last laugh though. You hacked her emails the next day - amirite?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 14 May 2013, 11:55, closed)

DING DONG MONTILY ON HIGH
IN HEAVEN PA-TELS ARE RING-ING /ac
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 14 May 2013, 11:56, closed)

Time for some new material methinks.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 14 May 2013, 15:42, closed)

Gazooks, methinks perhaps young master Marshmallow thinks he's Mr fucking Claypole.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 14 May 2013, 17:11, closed)

haha, good one

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 14 May 2013, 14:48, closed)

OK, so who deleted the reply where Albert quoted Die Hard then?

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 14 May 2013, 16:18, closed)

It's deleted cos my b3ta stalker went on ignore.
So I guess the thread went with it.

edit: nope, he plain old deleted it...he takes it very seriously if you mock his position on here. A challenge to his authority is responded to by a spate of 'ignores', followed by a mass-deletion of posts.

Poor soul.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 14 May 2013, 16:20, closed)

methinks you mightst be right, sirrah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 14 May 2013, 17:17, closed)

That was prolly me. Soz.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 14 May 2013, 16:43, closed)

no worries, just wondered.

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 14 May 2013, 16:56, closed)

IBM sharp
When I was at school some many eons ago, there was a lad in our class who spouted the most tremendous crap. He got the nickname IBM (Incredible Bulshitting Man). I can't help but think that he might exist just here as he is conspicuously absent from my Faceslap friends list. Is it you?
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Tue 14 May 2013, 22:11, closed)