B3ta Nativity play, Act 1
Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthonic, is discussing the forthcoming nativity play.

Mr chthonic: (soothingly) Okay. Now, let's see... Pooflake, you've been very good this year. Consistent performance, just as expected. Right, you can be Joseph.

Pooflake: Woo!

SpankyHanky: But sir! Sir! That's not fair! I got loads of Best Ofs.

Mr chthonic: Sorry Spanky, but Joseph is a very responsible post. We need a reliable type like Pooflake in that role. You can be the Innkeeper.

(Pooflake belms beams.)

SpankyHanky: (huffily) I don't want to be the Innkeeper. I want to do Mary

Mr chthonic: What was that Spanky?

SpankyHanky: I said, who is going to be Mary?

CHCB: Oh, can I be Mary, sir, can I?

Mr chthonic: No, CHCB. Mary was a Virgin. The Bible is quite clear on that.

Enzyme: Actually, sir, that's a mistranslation-

Mr chthonic: (abruptly) yes, thank you Enzyme. At the risk of typecasting, you can be a Wise Man. BGB will play Mary.

(BGB pokes her tongue out at CHCB.)

Mr chthonic: The other two Wise Men are Sexmonkey and althegeordie. We need to keep them away from the goats so they can't be shepherds. Don't let them stand next to each other. Apeloverage is a shepherd. It's a non-speaking role so we should be safe from punnage. Rakky, chickenlady and rachelswipe are angels. I've got you down as the Archangel Gabriel, PJM, but if you utter a word about unmarried mothers on benefits, I'll have your life. Everyone else is a sheep or a donkey. CHCB, you can be the narrator.

CHCB: (bitterly) I'm always the narrator.

Mr chthonic: your Norn Irish accent puts the fear of god into the others. That seems fitting.
(Claps hands) Right! Rehersals start tomorrow. Spanky, stop pulling BGB's hair or I'll send you to the Headmaster. Remember what happened last time you went to see Mr Rob? Yes, well, not another word out of you.


(Act 2 is here)

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:49, 55 replies)

*sigh*
Forgotten again.

*wanders off to www.sensibleerection.com*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:52, closed)

Aww, Loon
YOu can be the star. The Star. The one that guides Enzyme, al and Bert to some poxy stable. The Star is a very important role. If it wasn't for The Star, the wise men would still be wandering around the desert, molesting camels.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:53, closed)

I'm not terribly good at twinkling.
Besides, I somehow doubt that Enzyme would have much of anything to do with this, as it's bible related.

'Sokay, I have stage fright anyway.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:02, closed)

And me...
...can I be a shepherd?
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:15, closed)

Yes.
Okay. That was a good pun you just did, so you are rewarded with a non-speaking tea-towel based role.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:17, closed)

That's...
..probably best for all. My language can sometimes be described as profane.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 30 Mar 2009, 21:56, closed)

I'll do my best
to run a tight sheep.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:54, closed)

arf
and arf again :)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:55, closed)

Obviously this is fucking magnificent
...I am an attention whore...

Innkeeper will do fine. Joseph was a cunt anyway. And I'd do the Innkeeper in the style of Scarface.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:55, closed)

Joseph was a cunt?...

Well then it's the best bit of casting since they gave the voice of Garfield to Bill Murray.

Woo again!

Spanks, we can privately act out the little known scene from the nativity, where the innkeeper says:

"Well, we might have some room at the inn...but you'll have to let me touch your cock first"
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:07, closed)

Or the scene
where the innkeeper produces the photos of Mary sucking off the donkey and threatens to blackmail her unless she does unspeakable inkeeper-related-sex-acts.

Virgin my arse...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:21, closed)

lol
"Say hello to my little inn"
(Leoninus "Never lick a fresh turd on a hot day.", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:17, closed)

That'd be fantastic.
Innkeeper opens door to reveal a huge pile of coke and an assault rifle. Then sends his dwarf mate out back to check on the animals.
Dwarf mate hits his head on the roof of the stable, and the innkeeper quips

"Stable low to my leetle friend!"

no laughs? It's all in how I tell 'em...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:56, closed)

Can I be in charge of
handing out orange squash and bourbon buiscits at the interval?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:56, closed)

hell yes
make sure it's extra watery squash
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:56, closed)

Okay.
I might eat some (most) of the tasty buiscits though.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:58, closed)

*sulks*
I'm a trained ac-tor, you know. :(

*settles in* But I shall watch this performance, nonetheless!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:20, closed)

The world always needs theatre critics.
Impart your wisdom!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 10:51, closed)

I'm going to be Archangel Gabriel...
in the style of Alan Rickman.

Woo yay!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:21, closed)

Can I be the back end of the donkey?


I'm *ahem* fully-equipped!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:26, closed)

Tell people that you're the Metatron and they look at you blankly.
Mention something from a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a biblical scholar!

Do you drench everyone who enters your bedroom in fire retardant chemicals? It's no wonder you're single!

(One of my favorite movies, as it happens.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:31, closed)

...
Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 9:33, closed)

I'd actually
pay actual money to actually see this actually happen!
(pootermunky unlurked on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:37, closed)

How much?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:39, closed)

YAY!
I'm a wise man!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:38, closed)

You mean 'cunt'

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:33, closed)

FUCKIN ACE!!
I'm Mary. Woo!

*looks virginal*
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:26, closed)

I've noticed a major role that's going begging
and pout in first dibs on Jesus. I'll even bring my own nappy :D
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:30, closed)

if you are content to be breastfed by BGB,
so be it.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:32, closed)

It won't be the first time ; )
.
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:39, closed)

Perks of the job!
I love dairylea anyway :D
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 0:40, closed)

But usually
the part of Jesus is played by a 40 watt bulb.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:03, closed)

An angel!
Woo!

I never, ever got to be an angel - being dark haired and far too mouthy for my own good. I was always the narrator apart from one excellent time when I was HEROD! Oh yes, no typecasting going on there.

I shall make my own angel costume - something a little Jade inspired perhaps...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:38, closed)

I can soooo see you as an angel.
With the light behind you shining through your curly hair and making you look all ethereal : )
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:45, closed)

...
and shining through her skirt and the gauzy blouse...

Yeah, I'm all for this.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:03, closed)

An interesting thought
*begins scribbling lighting designs*
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:12, closed)

Can I be Herod?
I have an inherent unease around small children, and a fetchingly sinister beard. Well, sinisterish, but I stroke it meaningfully a lot and glower when I'm doing it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:48, closed)

You're on.
Camp up the paedo routine.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:05, closed)

Yay
I shall be Herod in the style of Kenneth Williams mixed with Ray Winstone. I think it's a goer.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:35, closed)

classic
cliky
(roadkillontoast, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:15, closed)

Might not be about much at the mo
but it seems I've been forgotten!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:28, closed)

*soothing voice*
We always need sheep, you know. The Baby Jesus loved sheep.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 21:29, closed)

Yes
And Mary Magdalene, apparently. Although the church doesn't talk about that bit much.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 21:43, closed)

Did you know
that churches used to have pictures of her looking all sad and that in and this is where the word maudlin comes from?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 28 Mar 2009, 17:54, closed)

I like the idea of being Mr Chthonic
*gets out red pen and marks homework*
( chthonic, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 22:22, closed)

Not meant to
use red pen any more.

Too upsetting.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 28 Mar 2009, 17:52, closed)

Dear CHCB, can I please have a part?
I'll play with it until white stuff comes out. I think it's about time we had a nativity play with a bukkake scene.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 22:41, closed)

YOu're a sheep.
Don't take it personally, it's an Off Topic thing.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 9:34, closed)

.
And there was me thinking a sheep's white stuff was wool.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 20:10, closed)

This is truly wonderful!
Please may I be the bored looking worker?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 23:56, closed)

It's typecasting again,
but sure.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 10:52, closed)

Excellent!
If this doesn't make the top, something is amiss.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 1:24, closed)

I don't care what everyone else says
I'll be a lamb.
albeit a lamb who kicks the shite out of any molesting wise men.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 28 Mar 2009, 5:47, closed)

this
is the first time anyone has ever described a lawyer as angelic.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 11:15, closed)

Must get my eyes tested...
I initially read the end of the first line as "...discussing the coming nativity foreplay."
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:30, closed)