I AM A FUCKING HERO.
Or I would be if this happened
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's dad and new wife. God, she was such a fucking WHORE BITCH, first thing she did was undress me with her eyes, next thing was to buy me a drink. I'd already had six cans of spesh by then so I asked the FUCKING WHOREBAG to get me a triple scotch.

Fuck me, they were arseholes. They bought me more drinks and asked me back to their house, by now FUCKING WHORE BITCH was sucking me off with her eyes and it was really fucking annoying, with barely contained rage I accepted.

I'm not going to tell you what happened next but lets just say the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER got all shirty and that. After I'd pulled my trousers back up he asked me to "please leave."

As I stood outside on the lawn, swaying, red-faced and screaming YOUFUCKINGSHITWHORECUNT, I swore I would have my revenge.

AND I DID.

Through many improbable and un-specified means I gained entry to their house and played a few light-hearted japes on them. JUST TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCK THE BOSS IS!!111!1!1!!!!

1) I bitch-punched a goat to death in their basement and hung its intestines like FUCKING BUNTING.

2) Made copies of their keys and posted them to every address in the WORLD, so any fucker could come round and do what they liked.

3) I shat in their boiler 384 times. HAVE FUN WASHING YOUR HANDS BITCHES.

4) Rigged their shower so it would spray blue dye over them. I admit, I may have watched Private Benjamin a few times. GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU NONCE?!?!?

5) Put cobras in all the radiators, hungry cobras with FUCKINGWHORECUNT sprayed on them with cobra blood. Have fun regulating your heating now! LOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFL.

6) Repeatedly fired an Elephant gun at the mains water system, so it would leak and no-one would know why.

7) Placed paintpots filled with acid above every door in the house, leaving the doors slightly ajar. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT YOU CUNTS.

8) Squashed kebabs into every light fitting in the house. Filled every wall cavity with Kebabs, fuck I even shoved kebabs up their eldest daughter while she was asleep.

9) Took all the taps out the house and replaced them with knobs I tore off children's corpses in the local morgue. SO EVERYONE IN THAT HOUSE IS A NECRO-NONCE.

10) Fill every lock in the house with fire ants. Real fucking angry fire ants. I told those fire ants that THEFUCKINGBITCHWHORE hated ants and always called ants GAYS.

and the one that clinched the deal...

11) Re-programmed a sky satellite to only spew out low grade Albanian porn to the house before firing A DEATH LASER at them.

as it turned out they were SO FUCKING STUPID they didn't even realise what happened. THEFUCKINGWHOREBAG cried every night, and the FUCKING DICKHEAD FATHER had a massive heart attack, brought on by cobra venom.

THAT'LL FUCKING TEACH HIM TO TELL ME TO GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE FOR TRYING TO GIVE HIS FUCKINGBITCHWHORE WIFE WHAT SHE SO CLEARLY WANTED!!111!!111!!11!!!!!

if you think I am a cunt then click "I like this"

I'M NOT A CUNT THOUGH CAUSE THIS WAS A WHILE AGO AND I WENT ON A ROLLERCOASTER AT ALTON TOWERS AND HAVE GROWN 1 INCH SINCE THEN.

FUCK YOU ALL YOU CUNTS.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:20, 113 replies)

And click.
This has to win.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:24, closed)

THAT MEANS I'M A CUNT YOU CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 20:02, closed)

lies lies and more fucketycunt lies
i call you a liar on this
it dint happen as you told you liar
you did all the shittycuntyfuck stuff with fire ants cobras and acid.
However what gave it away was the simplest of lies and they always catch you out was the going on the roller coaster at alton towers.
every one and i mean every one including necro-nonces knows that alton towers has several roller coasters.
its lieing scumbagjizzdrippers like you that spoil QoTW for every one

FFS take your vile menstrualclot filled hate away with you
roller coaster indeed more like roller cola
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:29, closed)

IT WAS AGES AGO YOU CUNT.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:31, closed)

so was the last you had sex with a woman
but it doesnt get any better ;-}
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:35, closed)

I DONE A LEAPING FUCK INTO A PROZZIE AND DONE A CUM OUT HER BUM.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:38, closed)

/\ legend/\

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 19:50, closed)

all lies, you can't shit 384 times in a boiler, they can't hold more than 340 turds.
That's science.

But necro-nonce? I'm stealing that.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 20:52, closed)

IT WAS A WORCESTER GREENSTAR 37CDi COMBI
FOOL!11!!!1!!!!!!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 20:55, closed)

Are you the same bloke
That does Tourettes Karaoke?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:07, closed)

NEVER EVEN MET HER.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:11, closed)

Interesting...
I can't work out whether you're a really intelligent person trying to be stupid, or a really fucking stupid person trying to be intelligent.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:12, closed)

I GOT 2 STANDARD GRADES YOU CUNT.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:13, closed)

QED
(by the way, that's not pronounced "qued")
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:16, closed)

THANK YOU EGG YOU CUNT.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:19, closed)

Nah, can't be bothered with this dickheadery
Welcome to my 'Ignore' list
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:35, closed)

TELL THE WHOLE INTERNET.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:37, closed)

I AM GOING TO IGNORE YOU NOW.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:44, closed)

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A CUNT.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:44, closed)

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID I GOT YOU ON IGNORE.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:44, closed)

CUNT!!!!!11!!11111!!!!!111!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:45, closed)

I expect you've changed since then as it was at least 5 minutes ago, you are definitely not a cunt, you cunt.
(badgermonkey007, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 23:57, closed)

DING DING DING! OUR SURVEY SAYS: CUNT!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 0:14, closed)

HOW DARE PEOPLE TAKE THE PISS ON A COMEDY WEBSITE

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 13:37, closed)

IT MADE ME SAD I HOPED THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE BEST CUNT-BUDDIES

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 13:46, closed)

Eldest daughter?
If you were a REAL cunt, you'd have gone for the young blood.
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:22, closed)

I TRIED BUT A FULL DONNER WON'T FIT UP A 9 YEAR OLD'S POLLY

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:34, closed)

Hello, Gordon Ramsay.
You get a click for "FUCKING BUNTING".
( .Yeti., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:33, closed)

THAT IS A WILD RUMOUR. I DONE A FUCK ON A BAUBLE ONCE THOUGH.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:36, closed)

OH YOU MASSIVE MASSIVE CUNT!

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:50, closed)

IT WAS A WHILE AGO. I DONE A SAD SO I'M NOT A CUNT ANYMORE YOU CUNT.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 21:53, closed)

Well done.
You shoulda knifed the bastard.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 23:12, closed)

I KNIFED MY WINKIE IN HIS EYE THEN DONE A CUM.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 0:13, closed)

THAT'S JUST HOW WE ROLL IN PRISON

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 0:26, closed)

oh I like this
and it goes double for the bunting bit, and getting ignored by that ousgg cunt
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 23:40, closed)

EGG NOT LIKE ME IT MAKE ME DO A :'(

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 0:13, closed)

"Re-programmed a sky satellite to only spew out low grade Albanian porn to the house before firing A DEATH LASER at them."
Oh god yes. You awesome cunt.
(McChinaman banned, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 2:35, closed)

HE WANTED TO WATCH CITY VS UNITED ON SKY SPORTS 1 BUT GOT EDONA DOES ELBASAN

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:24, closed)

My Honda Accord just spluffed itself after I read it out to him.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 18 Sep 2011, 3:04, closed)

BUY A CIVIC YOU CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:24, closed)

Click
If only for "Necro-nonces"
(NiteOwl flapped about over the keyboard on, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 3:06, closed)

THEY NEVER EVEN NOTICED THE CHILD-CORPSE FIDDLING CUNTS

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:26, closed)

If you had done this, you would be more of a legend than Blaireau69...
but you didn't do it.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 3:31, closed)

I KNOW I AM NOT A CUNT I AM A LYING CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:27, closed)

So you're a funny cunt who wrote some funny cuntish things without realising you're a cunt?
& now I'm going to frunt you in the cuff.
I was waiting for the return of the Mack. You made me laugh harder than I did at blowjob69...
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 18 Sep 2011, 6:55, closed)

I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID YOU CUNT I'M NOT A CUNT ANYMORE I WAS A CUNT THEN BUT NOT NOW FOR PERSONAL REASONS

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:29, closed)

Wouldn't it be good if this front-paged too?
In fact that would be cunting fantastic.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 18 Sep 2011, 8:41, closed)

Yes, yes it would.
Scared of losing your potential fp status drama princess? It's ok, I'm sure by Thursday morning you'll have changed & be a totally different person.
BTW: Nice to see you're getting a good 8 hours sleep. Lucky cunt.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 18 Sep 2011, 8:50, closed)

I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MATCH YOUR CUNTERY YOU ARE CUNT GROUND ZERO

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:29, closed)

Would you please re-program my sky box
but without the death laser.
(dyllon nice beaver., Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:49, closed)

I AM NOT THAT CUNT ANYMORE I HAVE GROWN AND BLOSSOMED INTO A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CUNT NOW

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 9:56, closed)

I didn't get a set of keys
You cunt
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 11:27, closed)

CHECK WITH YOUR PARENTS CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 11:35, closed)

They killed me at 3 months old
When I got better I put them up for abortion and that was that. Be a bit more sensitive you cunt.
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 12:37, closed)

ZOMBIE ORPHAN!!!11!!1!!!1111!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 12:48, closed)

How unkind
I prefer 'fuckbean sausagegarden'


Cunt.
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 13:48, closed)

I LIKE HARVESTERS THEY HAVE SAUSAGES YOU CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 19:37, closed)

How many watermelons does it take to shuft a cunt?
The answer is that your Mum. I know because your cunt told me.
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 18:48, closed)

HI I'M MARK MORRISONS PRISON CUNT AND I ENDORSE THIS REFRESHING LACK OF MESSAGE.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:37, closed)

Would you like another coffee?
I'm worried about your lack of energy
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 22:26, closed)

BREW ME A FRESH CUP OF CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 23:05, closed)

You insensitive cunt.
My sausage drank coffee!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 20 Sep 2011, 0:42, closed)

CUNTY IS AS CUNTY DOES

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 9:01, closed)

I do believe it was

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 20 Sep 2011, 10:33, closed)

It only comes in tubs
How much of a cunt are you??mmmmmmm
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 22:36, closed)

<-------------------THIS MUCH CUNTY ------------------->

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 0:57, closed)

<----- YOU ONLY THIS MUCH ----->
CUNT FAIL!!!11!!111!!!!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 1:01, closed)

I've got a wide on now

(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 12:20, closed)

Best QOTW answer ever!
Shame I can't click this eleventy million times!!
And your replies, oh the replies!!! Tears of hilarity!
You win my internet.
( user_names_suck, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 18:50, closed)

I WANT TO BE THE DAILY MAIL CUNT OF THE YEAR

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 19:38, closed)

QOTW may as well close,
as this wins everything.

You fakkin cahnt.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:23, closed)

NEEDS MOAR CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:39, closed)

This is fucking ACE
CUNT ACE
(Wagane, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 1:27, closed)

TOO MUCH CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 9:02, closed)

cunt
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 19:36, closed)

I NOT A NONCE YOU CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:38, closed)

N
O
N
C
E
C
U
N
T
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 20:22, closed)

N
E
C
R
O
N
O
N
C
E
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 0:54, closed)

OP not much cop
but the replies alone make this worth a click.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 16:12, closed)

Yup
I clicked it.

Cunt.
(Gertcha_cowson NAH MATE, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 18:34, closed)

SILLY CUNT I'M NOT POLIS I'M A FUCKING HERO.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:39, closed)

A VIGILCUNTE

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:45, closed)

LIKE BATMAN BUT NOT GAY

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 20:47, closed)

You spelled 'I am gay' wrong
Ninnypoop-poop
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 22:24, closed)

LOLWAKI CUNT HAVE YOU MADE MY CUP OF CUNT YET?

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 23:07, closed)

Cuntastic.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 8:39, closed)

Yes, in your favourite bucket...
...cunt bucket
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 12:22, closed)

This is what a Dutch version of Amelie could be like

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 13:24, closed)

COUN

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 13:37, closed)

you can have 2 points for this.
10 for thinking of it, and -8 for bothering to write it. Still, not to be sniffed at.
( RocketSurgeon is pretending he's still young, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 13:47, closed)

ACID KEWPIE SEAL OF CUNTPROVAL MY WORK HERE IS DONE

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 13:52, closed)

also, i am here

( manolith hooray for me, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:12, closed)

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE CUNTOLITH PEOPLE ARE BEING CUNTS

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:18, closed)

Best thing I've ever read.

( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:23, closed)

I AM A MODERN DAY JANE CUNTSTIN

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:36, closed)

i never lol at the word cunt
tends to be used as an affectionate term in lahndan
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:35, closed)

CUNT LIKE BUNT OR CUNT LIKE CAN'T?

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:37, closed)

to-may-to, to-mar-to

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:41, closed)

oh man, this thread was good the other day
now it's shit
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 14:55, closed)

I KNOW I MADE A REAL CUNT OF IT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 15:07, closed)

Fritzluls

Caps lock is on btw.
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Tue 20 Sep 2011, 15:16, closed)

ap unt
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:00, closed)

When I first read this, I thought it was shit
Then I read Blaireau69's magnum opus, and recognised it for the beautiful satire it was.

Good work. YOU UTTER CUNT
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:02, closed)

I AM A BITING CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 20 Sep 2011, 16:13, closed)

Don't bite me 'bro!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 20 Sep 2011, 18:24, closed)

It's all about the cuntext.
So to speak.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 20 Sep 2011, 21:14, closed)

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WINALOT, CUNT WHISPERER

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 1:04, closed)

Anyone whispering in your cunt
Would explode from the echo
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 12:23, closed)

TECHNICAL TERM IS SPELUNKING YOU SILLY CUNT

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 13:19, closed)

Specunting?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 21 Sep 2011, 20:33, closed)

Surely there needs to be a link to the original here,
for when this post is looked back on fondly in years to come as being the best thing EVER to appear on QOTW ...
www.b3ta.com/questions/notme/post1355700
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:49, closed)