Woo Yay
My suggestion got chosen - I'm doing a little happy dance of joy.

Although, they did paraphrase my original suggestion, and made me sound a bit 'special needs.' This was the original - www3.barnesy.org/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post200637 which sounds a lot better than 'I once spent 20 minutes with my eyes closed to see what it was like being blind. I smashed my knee on the kitchen cupboard, and decided I'd be better off deaf as you can still watch television.' It's like something from the workbook of a remedial science class...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:40, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cycling
The noble passtime of cycling seems to have split opinion here on Off Topic. Some people love nothing more than to climb on a bike and head for the countryside. Others complain of granite saddles, traffic and achy legs.

How would you make cycling more fluffy to encourage others to get on a bike?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jul 2008, 11:55, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

bastard twunt pooface mcjobbies!
Some twat walked past my car last night and thought "Hmm, is it possible to turn a car into a bomb by:

a. taking off the petrol cap
b. twisting up some paper a la a big fuse
c. inserting said paper into petrol tank via official petrol-putting-in-hole.
d. setting light to said paper.
e. and then running away?"

Fortunately the plot failed which is just as well, since I was parked about 8 feet from my downstairs neighbour's window.

Then when I tried to put some petrol in this morning I could have filled up three times in the time it took to put a fiver in, penny by penny, because the nozzle didn't like being in the tank and kept doing that "Shan't!" thing. So obviously there is something still lodged in the tank.

fucking twunts.

Then I went to report it to the police, but they were closed.

Then to add insult to injury I got stuck behind a Micra doing 35mph all the way down the A72, so I was late for work as well.

*boils*


I think I need a hug

[email protected] - and I was so cross I forgot my lunch as well. And I have £4 to last until tomorrow which I need to buy petrol with.
ARSE!


[email protected] - having poked about with coathangers, it seems that i may have a fuel tank full of toilet tissue. so i might not get home tonight, and I'll have to buy/fit a new fuel filter at some point.

*boils again*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 10:31, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning folks
Morning seems to have come round all too quickly. Meh.


(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 8:34, 220 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening all
A cosy place to spend the evening can be found here. There may even be beanbags.



Ok, no beanbags. I'm sorry.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:17, 183 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

urrrrgh
i feel like shit. 5 day/night hen parties in marbella are awesome. coming back to work is Not.

stupid twats at monarch, though. i paid way more than everyone else who was flying sleazyjet, as i thought it's more reliable to fly schedule than charter, and the planes are much more comfortable. i even grimaced but paid £10 each way for the luxury of taking a suitcase.

only to find that my suitcase was 2kg over on the way home (how? how?? i hadn't brought anything different! how did my suitcase gain 2kg in 5 days? ropey spanish scales...), and they made me pay another 20 euros for the pleasure.

that is £35 to take a suitcase on holiday. the fucking plane was virtually EMPTY! i don't mind spending, but i hate being ripped off. does anyone have any nice ranting suggestions to go in my complaint email??

and how is everyone, have i missed any gossip?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 17:17, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

World's first IVF baby marks 30th birthday
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/west_midlands/7521221.stm

And she mings.

EDIT: That's what I get for sneaking off to post here while drafting with AutoCAD. Sorry!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 23 Jul 2008, 15:31, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just been reading the news...
I came across this story, and I'm absolutely amazed the guy survived, let alone how little anyone was injured!

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/7521221.stm
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 15:01, 8 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

"Why can't they play some Hawkwind, or Marillion?"
After queries from Vipros and k2k6, it occurred to me that b3ta is exactly the sort of place where prog rock lovers may congregate (no offence intended, I'm an anorak too!)

So here's a tentative step towards a thread: if you like prog, what sort do you like and why? Have you had any prog rock experiences you'd like to share? And if you can't stand this most intellectual and experimental genre of music (take that as you will), then please enlighten me too...

Play nice, kittehs!
(Holloway_Girl To err is to be human, to be a fool is to believe, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 12:06, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right
Since the Cross shut down at King's Cross, I haven't really been out clubbing, and am planning to go this weekend. Can anyone recommend any club nights this Saturday in the North London area? I like good solid house, and somewhere that I don't have to leave before 5 preferably.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 11:29, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

'tis Wednesday
Let us gather herein and speak forth our daily musings.


( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 8:43, 367 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Again, no comment.

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 22 Jul 2008, 20:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

where
is everyone?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 19:43, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*snarl*
Hate hate hate landlords.

I viewed the most beautiful flat in Ashford today. Two huge bedrooms, washing machine and drier included, massive lounge, nice outlook, and at the lower end of our budget. Walked through the door, looked around, petted the tenant's fluffeh kitteh and headed straight back into town to go to the letting agency and say "I WANT THAT ONE." Gave them all mine and Mr Maladicta's information, wrote out a cheque for the holding fee, and pottered off to text the other half the good news.

Two hours later, the phone rings: "Sorry, but the lady who viewed the property after you is the one the landlord chose on account of her being one on her own - the landlord thinks this will mean less wear and tear."

What the cunting fuck? I saw her go in to see it just as I was coming out. She was minuscule, and why the hell does she need a two bedroom flat for herself? Ragh. I've seen two more and rung the estate agent about putting a holding fee on one of them, the more spacious one, but every time I see her I'm going to want to murder her for nabbing MY flat.

And to cap it all, Stalker Girl and her other half already live in Ashford. I saw them today, but luckily they didn't see me. Just as well as I would have happily cunted her in the fuck (thanks Tourette's) given the mood I was in.

/and breathe. What's made you want to scream and hit things today?
( Maladicta, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 18:32, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Here's a nice piece of news for you
I'm playing a gig on Saturday, with people coming from far and wide to see/hear

I've just come back from the doctor who has diagnosed that I've got a fucking ear infection which has left me in pain, mildly dizzy and partially deaf (I knew the symptoms before I went to the doctor)

this is very annoying.

added to this, I should be in my attic dewiring my bathroom light fitting and switch, poking the wires back into the bathroom and rewiring them. I don't feel up to this, so my plumber may end up plumbing in the dark....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 18:20, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it possible
to get a cold over the bloody internet? Having read the post below, now I find that my eyes feel swollen and tired, my nose feels like I took a snootful of ammonia, and my neck aches clear down to my arse.

I do NOT need to get a summertime cold!
(Shimrod, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 18:19, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

CHCB says...
...that she doesn't really 'do' the OT board, but if we want to give her idea for the QOTW a go, we can. It was:

"I was once dumped by a Blues musician - woke up this morning and the fecker had gone. Tell us the ironies in your life while avoiding Alanis Morissette comments.
(Note: may not be suitable for Merkins.)"
(crackhouseceilidhband)

I've had enough of films for one week - may check back in for the 'best of' on Thursday, but I'm gonna give this one a go. No RL experiences but I reckon I can come up with one or two fictional ones.

Please feel free to add.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 16:58, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Horrible Drunken People
I was on the train home last night, when a man vommed. It went all up the door and everything.

When the doors opened at Southwark, he calmly kicked the majority of the chinks on to the platform, and tried to wipe the sick off the door with his jumper, which only had the effect of smearing it about the place.

At that point, someone on the train said "you are dis-gus-ting", to which the drunk replied (with a genial shrug):

"C'est la vie."

And then he fell off the train.

How I didn't jump on the chunder train I don't know.

Anyway... What horrid things have you seen drunkards do?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 16:57, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The story of the Nuthouse.
I know that this is a classic prank, but I did actually get to see this happen.

The local pub was called the Nuthatch, but was often referred to as the Nuthouse. It was truly a dive in the worst sense of the word, but it filled the need.

One evening Jim and Mike went to Jim's house and got a rubber water bottle, the kind they used to use for warming beds, cleaned it out and filled it with stew. Jim was a rather heavy set guy, so when he tucked the water bottle inside his shirt just below the collar it wasn't too obvious. This done, they nipped off to the Nuthouse.

Halfway through his second pint, Jim started looking unwell. Mike said, "Jim! You all right?"

"I think I'm gonna be sick... BLAARRGGGHH!" And he heaved forward, arm across his chest. The stew sprayed out from his shirt collar all over the bar.

"Hey, that looks pretty good!" And Mike picks up a fork and starts eating.

The bar emptied out, including the bartender.
(Shimrod, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 16:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

At last I have a voice!
Afternoon, all. Been lurking in here for some time now, so I decided to sign up. It's been a long week, waiting until I could finally post and be heard!

I decided to unlurk here as this seems to be the most welcoming of the boards. I'll do my best to be entertaining, at least!

*pop*
(Shimrod, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 15:38, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am a huge blooming ball of snot !
I pride myself on being a good modern caring manager working in IT who still has his finger on the pulse of the cutting edge.

I still know which end of a screwdriver gets things done and am always first in line with myy lifting trousers on when the Artics from Holland turn up with the latest few tonnes of UPS equipment.

I insist that the helpdesk assign me no less than 10 random faults every month that I will personally deal with from start to finish so that I don't get my head stuck in a cloud (or my own arse) and keep in touch with the real world.

But today.... oh lord ... today !!!!

I am exposed as a big fat hairy hypocrite!

I am told I am famous within my organisation for sending staff home if they are ill.

Its true, if any of my team are ill ... proper ill, not a hangover or crap then I make the speech!

the speech :

We are not Barbarians here, if you are ill go home, get better and come back when you will be usefull to me rather than infecting us all with your damned germs!


I have had a rotten cold and cough over the weekend and have just now suffered the indignity of being .. voted.. home by my team!

The mutinous buggers actually voted and black spotted me !

The last straw was when I sneezed about a quarter of a pint of snot over my monitor this morning. They quoted my own speech at me and sent me home !!!

Mutiny!!!!

I am so bored!

This is the first day I have had off sick for .... well I can't remember .... many years!



WHat does one do when you are home during the week ?
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:43, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If the cap fits
The mirror have posted this little story:

A mum of three who had her innocent Facebook photos hijacked on to a fetish website is powerless to get them removed.

Becky Spraggs, 22, was re-profiled as a wannabe "used and abused" porn star.


A mum of 3 at 22? I'd say that's pretty used and abused hehe.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:37, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bastard Medical Receptionists
Where do they create these haggard harridans?

Why do we put up with the nonsensical rules put in place by these pseudo-medical harpies who make it their life's work to stop you gaining access to the bollock-squeezer?

I've been told in the past that my week-old daughter with breathing difficulties was 'not an emergency' according to the post-menopausal cat's-arsehole-mouthed velociraptor behind the desk.

This morning the same daughter requires some medical attention - nothing major, just a referral to a specialist, the poxy GP just needs to type about ten words and off-ski.

There is one scab-lifter at this practice who specialises in rugrats, so we ask for him.

Booked solid.

Hang on, retorts I, how can he be booked solid when I called you at 0831 when the phones open at 0830? Ohh, you changed the appointment booking robot line opening hours and you now open at 0800? At what point were you planning to tell anybody? Oh, you weren't.....still never mind, I would be ever so grateful if you could stick junior down for one of your finest appointments for tomorrow, pleasey please.

You "can't" book appointments in advance? Well Heavens to Betsy, what a fine system you have there. Almost as good as the rule that you can't take pushchairs with you.

So I have come up with the formula that Ernst Stavro Bastard must have used in his super secret lair high in the Pyrenees. The same man responsible for the genetic engineering of Kevin the Trainee Sales Rep, Double Glazing Door-Knockers and BT Helpline operators. No offence, like. Program your clones as follows:

1. Female. Mid 40's on. This might be a stereotype, but they are. I briefly worked at a major University practice (yep, if you were at Edinburgh Uni 18 years ago I read your notes and may well have drawn pictures in the margin or recommended you for gender reversal surgery) and it's true.

2. All men are bastards. Except doctors. They are to be worshipped on bended knee.

3. All students are skivers.

4. All medical receptionists have the medical diagnosis skills of Doctor Kildare with a copy of Blacks rammed up his jacksie. Forget NHS Direct, these gargoyles in, well gargoyle form know everything.

5. It is mandatory to let a phone ring for at least a minute before even thinking of answering it. If you are talking to Brenda about her nephew Nokia and his latest ASBO, then your private life has priority. As does tea, Hello magazine, and sharpening your fangs as you await darkness when you can swoop out of the night sky seeking the blood of the innocent.

6. Faxes must be shredded or binned BEFORE reading. Failure to misplace vital medical information on at least a daily basis will result in your expulsion from the union and your hob-nobs will be confiscated.

7. Every department of every hospital is incompetent compared to the GP surgery as it is always the hospital that has lost the results.

8. 'The System' will crash a minimum of six times a day, meaning that no work can be done, calls accepted, or anything apart from blaming the Helpdesk. As nothing exists in reality unless it is on 'The System' you will be left with a waiting room full of mummified former patients, GPs idly experimenting with naughty drugs, or throwing one up a nurse in the store cupboard.

9. Cardigans are mandatory.

10. Personal hygiene is not.





I may continue.





I do not have issues.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:20, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)