Bert's a cunt thread
no one allowed
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:50, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bert's cunt thread
No HSH'rs allowed.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:49, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Karaoke in Central London
Hi,

After having been asking around, I still haven't found a decent venue for doing Karaoke in central London for when Cackers returns to London. So far, the only venue I've found is Lucky Voice, but you have to book your own private Karaoke room and they charge extortionate prices for doing so. So could anyone recommend a decent Karaoke venue in London that does Karaoke on Friday or Saturday nights (depending on which night is best for Cackers)?

Cheers.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:27, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your worst sex
Following on from the best sex thread, tell us about your worst sex. Was it so bad that it disproved the saying "Sex is like Italian food - even when it's bad, it's good"?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:13, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HSH


No Berts allowed
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:10, 186 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Board sigs
There are some cracking board sigs on b3ta.

Tell us your favourites.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:03, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face"


possibly more amusing than this though, I just discovered that Sara Cox has a son called Isaac.

Isaac Cox. How did she not think that through?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 8:35, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's Just Another Mobile Monday, woah woah wooh
If anyone uses Windows Mobile phones, you may know who Ilium Software is. They want YOUR advice for upcoming products.

Give 'em your input/

Disclaimer, I contribute to JAMM as I work in the industry. I've never posted stuff from there on here before, but if anyone really wants the latest Windows Mobile/Blackberry/Palm/iPhone/Android news, gaz me
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 4:31, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I can't believe none of you are talking about JMG
Seriously, what the fuck?
(__, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 21:06, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right!
Let's stop hiding in the Bash thread below and let's have a proper HSH thread.


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 20:54, 116 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Newsflash! Bash update!
The Scottish bash is nearly upon us...

...and... we have a venue!!
Big fluffy thanks to DG for finding it too.

clicky for details
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 17:55, 63 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A lesson to be learned
Here are a few things I've learned by trial and error:

You can put powdered creamer and powdered sweetener in your cup then add the coffee on top. The motion of adding the coffee stirs it all together.

However, his does not work if you use a liquid creamer.....the powdered sweetener clumps up and looks like mini-styrofoam balls in your coffee.



When making sweet tea, you can put the sugar in before the tea and the action of pouring the tea in will disolve the sugar.

However, this does not work with sun tea. If you put the sugar in the water before the teabags, the sun will not steep your tea for you.



You can put the body parts in the container first. When pouring over the acid, it makes interesting holes in the parts as you pour it on.

However, you should refrain from dropping the body parts in after the acid as it splashes everywhere.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 17:17, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hot new hobby
I read this article
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/feb/25/women-upskirting

this morning... apparently loads and loads of dirty men are taking hundreds and thousands and millions (just going over the top, to keep in line with Guardian journalism nowadays) of photos of ladyfannies up their skirts using camera phones and posting them on the interweb.

Officially, as a female, I'm outraged and disgusted and think they should be hung and kicked in the nads. Unofficially, as a bit of a sicko, I think it's a little bit sexylicious. But disgusting. I'm confused to what I think about it. What does anyone else think? Wrong? Doesn't matter? Pervy?
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:11, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

King of the internet?
You decide

( WormuIus, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:05, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Already bored stupid and feeling irritable this afternoon
I now have some twat from one of our other offices sitting at a spare desk directly opposite me and since he has been here he has been on the fucking phone non-stop. Already annoying, but to make matters worse he has a stupid fucking voice.

the fucking cunt.

update: god, the twat's latest call was to who I can only assume was his boyfriend, given the gay tones emanating from him.....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:30, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just realised one of the best feelings in the world.
Sitting here dawdling and it suddenly dawning on me that it's nearly the end of the month when most of my large d/debits go out and there's absolutely no need for me to check on-line if I have enough cash to cover them.


It's a very strange but satisfying feeling.
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:28, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

sweet tittie-fucking zombie jesus christ on a bike
just saw this:
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7909772.stm

not only is it a shit thing to make a musical about, but those tossers lined up to do the music and lyrics have failed to write even a half decent song for over 20 years.

Fuck me, I hate U2 so much...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:14, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone know the answer to this?
Quite an interesting question. I didn't get the answer, which is good...

While at the funeral of her mother, she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing, her dream guy, and she fell in love with him but never asked for his number and could not find him after the funeral. A few days later the girl killed her sister.

What was her motive in killing her sister?

Apparently if you can figure the motive out it's indicative of psychopathic tendencies.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 13:54, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Predictive Text
I have managed to never buy a mobile phone in my life. Admittedly I'm only 23, and avoided getting one until I was 17, but they've always been hand-me-downs. (The first being forced upon me when my sister decided hers wasn't sufficiently fashionably, and my mother insisted that I'd find it useful, despite not having anybody to call.)

Now, with my current phone, its settings meant that it was easier to work out how to use predictive text than to switch it off. And in the end, I have found that it speeds things up quite a lot.

However, given this phone had originally been owned by my friend's sister, then passed on to him, and then finally on to me, I was most surprised that I had to teach it the word "Fucking."

Since then, I've had to teach it various other, shall we say, more creative expletives, including
Dickwobbler
Arsebiscuits
Cockdonkey
Badgerflaps
Cuntybollocks
Arsetrumpetry

What interesting or unusual words have you had to teach your phone? And will you also teach them to your children?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 10:55, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Go on then, I haven't started one for a while...


Morning everyone! We're nearly halfway through the week. How are we all?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 8:44, 246 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Blimey! I just told my boss I wasn't coming in tomorrow
because I'm sick of taking up the slack at work, I'm doing stuff that I need other departments to help me with and why the hell can't they do it themselves. Oh, and boss, you know how you take a "focus day" every week to figure out your priorities, I'm taking one tomorrow.

Details in reply.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 6:11, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

B3ta couples
I discount myself from this since I'm deeply involved with a fellow B3tan.

But who do you think would make a good B3ta couple?

My money's on al and Bert. Bert could get into a menage a trois with Kaol following a drunken night of stupidity at some PR bash, after which Kaol would microwave al's pet bunny before trying to do the stabby stabby thing to Bert when Bert tried to drown him in the bath. Then, al would come in and blow Kaol away with a peashooter in the brain and live happily ever after with Bert and make lots of little almonkeys.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 0:48, 47 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Now I like a bit of Wham....or George Michael. And I like a good cover song. But what Seether has done to Careless Whisper is an atrocity. My ears are bleeding. My brain hurts. My eyes are crossed.

Utter crap.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 24 Feb 2009, 22:57, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Electrocuted pheasants
Did your day involve praying to your amphibious socks, or was it more of a 'tired membrane' type of day? Did this inspire you to write to your MP, and if so, was the first letter of your letter a "G"?


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 19:07, 122 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Smell + Memory
Whenever I smell a damp room - you know, that musty smell that you get in old buildings - I'm transported back to being ten years old and in the Brownies. I only lasted a few weeks because I was taller than the Brown Owl and they hadn't a uniform that would have been decent for me to wear so I left.

What odd smells fire up memories for you?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 18:29, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A double question for you here
if/when you die, what would your epitaph say?

and,

if you can think of something sufficiently amusing or haunting, what would you like your last words to be?

example of last words (I stole this from somewhere): addressed to whoever is there "Your shirt is horrible, one of us will have to go"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:54, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can any of you lovley off topic boarders help a fellow fluffy person identify a model?
www.b3tards.com/u/98480917b02b1414508e/66644_img_2720_123_825lo_1.jpg.jpg

Contains underwear.

Who is she?
( Peej, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:21, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who's your ideal woman?
One of the girls in the office was quizzing the lads about who their ideal woman is.

The usual list ensues: Angelina Jolie, Natalie Portman, Charlize Theron etc


I was thinking, "one who shuts up during films and makes sure there is cool beer available when I'm watching the football".

They never ask me.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 16:12, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tell me b3tans...
What's your favourite sexual position?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:23, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)