Erm... wtf happened in the last week or so?
Why is there no home sweet homo - ness in which I can pour out my irritation and frustration of the last week's events (holiday with fella - now is v bad between us - I am supposed to be moving across the country to live with him in a few months - what the hell do I do now I finally realise he will NEVER put me first in his life and I'll always feel like I'm crawling around in his shadow wanting to be worshipped)?

Eh?

You bastards.

Becky - I've not been around because I've been on a shitty holiday, but it sounds like you've had a crap 'un too. Sorry love, hope it all works out ok.



So where do I post all this annoying (slightly self-obsessive) tripe now? And why did it die?

You are not helping my mood b3ta.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:59, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've built a time machine
Whoever has the most exciting place they want to go to and is offering me the best incentive for letting them use it wins
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:47, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I has a farting kitteh
She's gorgeous, with fluffeh kitteh fur, cute eyes and a sweet disposition. But she also has an arse from the planet stink.

Can anyone suggest a means of curing her unfortunate affliction?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 28 Apr 2009, 11:32, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You have the choice
quit or go through a lengthy investigation which will 95% probability end in you being fired. Which option do you take?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 10:32, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bash Info
Well I've decided a venue for this Bash. It will be The Yorkshire Grey

So remember to all sign up.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 9:33, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

GOOD MORNING B3ET-NAM
This is the 'Cheer up Becky' thread.

So all you horrible, ugly little cunts, post something you think might cheer the poor old bird up, as she has had some fairly bad news this week.

A list of her favourite things:

Pictures of fluffy animals
Photos of me being mauled by dogs
Madam Marlboro
Elvis (not the singing kind, the LotR kind)
THUNDERCATS HO!

Go on then, you despicable lot, do as you're told.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 8:23, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Americans!
I am - for completely unimportant and entirely innocent reasons - following the fortunes of the Seattle Sounders, so I was pleased to read of their recent victory.

However, I do have two points I'd like to make.

1. Every time I read "shutout" instead of "clean sheet" I want to punch someone.

2. They're coming off the back of two losses and the goalkeeper achieves a record for consecutive scoreless minutes - how does that work? For Americans, is "consecutive" some kind of flexible term that includes "except for these minutes"?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 7:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

So yeah.
It's my birthday tomorrow. What did you get me?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 22:13, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home
Inspired by the threads past, let's have a good old HSH thread right here and now.


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 21:27, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home Classic
With the recent decline of the HSH threads, I thought I'd start a thread in which we all recount our favourite moments from HSH threads past - those random threads of anarchic silliness where we created a collective surreal hyperreality that for many of us became a big part of our lives.

This is mainly for the benefit of the newcomers to see what they were once like, but everyone else is welcome to have a look and discuss their own favourite moments. Below are some of mine (some were from before the creation of QOTWOT).

• Here's a thread on the refugee board that due to a bizarre series of circumstances lead to the invention of Spunkchup
• There was a time when discussing what you had for lunch was something you regretted dearly
• The great gingerbread orgy
• The Peoples Democratic Republic of Devilavia
• The attack of the Mind-Weasels and the Ghost-Bees (towards end of thread)

If you can't remember the specific thread you had in mind, don't worry - just describe whatever your best memories of the HSH threads were.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 21:26, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Grrrrrrrrrrargh!
I write something funny on QOTW for once, and no bugger clicks it.

Figures.

Should I just delete b3ta.com/questions/publicsex/post410717 then?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 27 Apr 2009, 20:38, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

New comic!
Fabulous comedy goodness, just for you:



Click on this guy to see it - feedback welcome.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 20:33, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

inspiration please
An enormous tin of tuna has materialised in my kitchen.

When I say enormous, I mean, really fucking enormous, as in 1.3 kilos of fucking tuna in one can and it says "consume within two days" on the label...

I've already used it to pretend I'm really really small.

What else can I do with it?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 19:33, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Not Always Right
Two of these caught my attention as they reminded me of a couple of our regulars:

(I overhear the following conversation as I’m stocking crafts; it’s a forty-something mother and her teenage daughter.)

Mother: “… okay, we need beads.”

Daughter: “Just make it fast.”

Mother: “Don’t take that attitude with me.”

Daughter: “I don’t know why I go anywhere with you!”

Mother: “Oh, look! Gift boxes! With Rudolph on them!”

Daughter: “Mom, be quiet. Just shut up… please.”

Mother: “Look! Rudolph! You see Rudolph?”

Daughter: “Mom, shut up! Can we leave?”

Mother: “It’s just so godd**n a** f**king cute!”

Daughter: *rolls her eyes and stomps off*

(for Tourette's)

***************************



(I’m a driving instructor taking a student for his first drive ever. It’s a quiet suburb street, away from major traffic.)

Me: “Okay, just pull out slowly and watch for parked cars…”

(As my student is doing this, a frustrated driver that has been following us pulls into the lane next to us, driving the wrong way since it’s a two-lane road.)

Angry driver: *yells out window* “Learn to f**king drive!”

(The angry driver speeds off … and crashes right into a car heading the opposite direction. Later on, after we’ve pulled over and are waiting for the police…)

Me, to student: “Okay, that’s an example of what NOT to do while driving.”

(for Legless)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 27 Apr 2009, 18:59, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have a dilemma
It's Monday night, my team are playing, and it's on the telly.

Do I go to the pub and watch it, in the knowledge that if we go down it'll possibly be one of the last chances I get to watch the match with a pint?

Or stay in as it's raining and I haven't seen them win yet this season so why start being optimistic now?

I'm erring on the former, but honestly, Monday's are depressing enough already. But then if I do stay in they'll probably go and win just to spite me.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 27 Apr 2009, 17:21, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What was your first QotW post?
I popped my cherry with this one back in 2006

Should be interesting to see what the other /questions veterans first posted...

----------------------------------------------
EDIT: added links to several FUCKING LOADS OF regular posters' inaugural missives, as it's a pain in the arse finding your first post unless you know the secret method (which I've also added as a reply)
( chart cat has an itch, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 17:13, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I was going through the first posts on off-topic and what did I find?
I feel a bit lost now
Quick someone create a giant thread so I feel at home.

Or I could go do some work I guess ,)
( beckyjsbx Queen of fucking everything, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 14:44, Ignore, 117 replies, I like this!)


It was Becky that created the HSH monster. *laughs*

Becky is the big B3ta goddess giving life to threads and taking them away when she feels they are no longer useful.


Edit - This post is in jest before anyone starts getting the idea that I'm whinging again. It just made me chuckle.
( girlinthehole, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 16:02, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've been a bit of a Negative Nelly lately
so I've decided to talk about some things I do like for once. Last nights episode of Family Guy was brilliant, and I really admire the way that Slipknot have essentially stuck to one particular sound (varying it slightly each time), but it's kept them going for years. I bet any one of us would know a Slipknot song even if we listened to less than 30 seconds of it.

So what do you like? You bloody cock dobber.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 13:18, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Be Inventive
With the things that you have on and in your desk come up with a way to inflict pain on as many people as possible.

Myself I would use the Duct tape I have to tie people to their chairs, then play with them with the screwdriver, hammer and pliers I happen to have.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 13:01, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just to follow on from my previous post
I have now handed in my notice at my old company as I have a new job close to my girlfriend in Leeds!

Thanks to you guys for helping my out with various questions and issues that I had and I hope that we can perhaps go out for a pint sometime when I properly move over in June!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 12:18, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gosh darn it
While driving to work today I was prompted to think how much I would LOVE to see the original batman series again. So I look for it on DVD but neither amazon.com OR amazon.co.uk have them. In fact, there's a placeholder on amazon.com with comments discussing the legal wrangles preventing the series being released on DVD.

Then under sponsored links is this:

www.tvdvdboxsets.com/product.php?productid=38200

which appears to be exactly what I want!

So is it dodgy or what?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 11:57, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

take the three items closest to you
and tell us how you can make them into kids toys.

I have
- Pillow
- Poster paper
- school bag.

actually this is a crap Idea. you come up with something better.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 27 Apr 2009, 11:02, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Letter of notice
Right then guys,

I'm currently handing in my notice in work and am wondering about the best way to do it.

I want to write a letter and I want to keep it on good terms for the company (not because I want to work here again but because I'm just an all-round nice guy! :)).

Can anyone give me any tips? Like on how to start, what to write and all that?

Cheers!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 10:12, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Spiky Fatteh
Here:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hereford/worcs/8019439.stm
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 27 Apr 2009, 10:11, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Free Peas!

I love shopping from home and getting it delivered. They always fuck up and give stuff I haven't paid for. Like today. Free peas.

Lovely

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:46, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So the Tesco Value Oscars were on last night
and as I watched the overpaid, self-congratulating arsehats who were taking part, I couldn't help but wonder whether their whole attitude is what's wrong with society today.

I mean come on for fuck's sake, the IT crowd won best sitcom.
(Bert's other profile wants to wear your balls on a necklace, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:34, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Found a new word today

...and it seems to apply to most of you: peotillomania

I'll let you look it up yourselves.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:17, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have new compulsive viewing
Snog, Marry, Avoid on BBC3.

Take the tackiest, most fake, badly-dressed, over-made-up Jodie Marsh wannabes, put them in front of the Personal Overhaul Device (or POD) who slags off their fashion sense for a few minutes then gives them a make-under - the reverse of a make-over - usually transforming them into bright, attractive people.

It's not the sort of thing I usually watch, but I really like the overriding theme - accepting natural beauty instead of fakery - so much so that I let daughter stay up half an hour late to watch it.

Plus, it's presented by the cutest Atomic Kitten, Jenny Frost *purrs*

Have you seen it? What do you think?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 8:55, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Monday Morning thread

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 8:40, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

i rthin]k i neee neqw ]keuybord
hoqw bourt uyou?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 7:15, Reply)