What happens when you combine an American, pints of the local brew and wicked English women?
You get this.

(Edited to make the pic a link- it's still there.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 19:13, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Have it...
Tuesday night's thread...

( thealternativefact, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 17:37, 197 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

kittens christmas album?
some CATS have released a christmas album sung by KITTENS?

has off topic taken over the world?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 16:49, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Okay, now I'm seriously blue-screened.
I'm at work, checking some drawings, and my phone rang a few minutes ago.

Remember my tales of the Mad Stripper?

She's back.

More stories may follow one day soon...

*brain asplodes*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 16:41, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

right
poor student,male,nineteen,seeks rich older woman to pay for Marlboro,books and you-know-what.
Apply via box 850
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Tue 9 Dec 2008, 16:24, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am..
currently trying to put a photo in my profile page like some of you people have managed.

But I appear to be either a) of too low intelligence to work it out (doubtful! :p) or b) suffering from long term brain fartage.

Help?
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 16:18, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Post code address finder and sorter
Does anyone know of a site that will allow me to do the following?

I have to drive to nine different addresses in London, but my Sat Nav has no way of sorting them into a "quickest route". All it can do is tell me the quickest route between two points.

Is there a website that I can enter a starting location, finish location and then several addresses in between and ask it to put them into an order of the quickest route and order to do them all in?

Fingers crossed that someone can help me!
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 15:40, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can anyone tell that I'm bored?
tackyweddings.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/1000056430.jpg
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 15:17, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Does anyone else..
Get a little sad when they log in and see that bleak grey link up there that says 'You have 0 unread messages' or is it just me being a missy no friends? :D
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 14:57, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I need ideas quick!!
Ive got a charity do in memory my friend who tragically died of cancer in July. We're raising pennies for the Hospice who looked after her.

Basically I have to auction myself off in some way or another, suggestions have been - to walk dogs, cook meals etc. But Im really struggling to think of anything origanal and good. This flu thing doesn't seem to be helping so I put it to you good B3ta folk...

Any ideas??!?!!

All suggestions welcome!

I shall not be auctioning myself in any sexual way so get those ideas right out of your filthy little heads
(i should have joined myspace, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 12:31, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pigs Head
I have the urge to purchase, cook and scoff a pigs head.

Has anyone tried it? How much did it cost? How tasty was it?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 12:05, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm going to pimp this again
www.myspace.com/dumberthantheaveragebear

new recordings of my band from the weekend, in case you missed the post yesterday ;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 10:03, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good morning
Come in. Have some tea and toast.


( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 8:17, 326 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

hmmm / HSH
Heathrow at 8am isn't the best place to be to relax.

Foreign kids running around hitting things (sadly not each other, I'm hoping the international "beat them with your fists" action is enough to start them off)

"BING BONG can Mr/Miss/Ms/etc go to gate etc as they are now going without you"

Harrods adverts constantly saying you can save £1.26 off the 'high street' price of a £50 teddy bear. Bargain.

Big pink balls (fnarr) the size of cars hanging from the ceiling, looking like they are held up with cheese wire, over the seating area.

At least I have my sanity. *runs round screaming*

Oh, and Morning :)
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 8:08, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Several weeks late but I finally thought of a story
for the family traditions.

When I was around 7ish, I finally worked up enough courage to mention something that had been preying on my mind for several years. It was, I thought, a potentially touchy subject, but one I felt it would be important to settle before it was too late.

In my most serious tone, I asked my mother, "When you die, can I have that lamp?"

Thankfully, she reacted well enough that for the next decade I had no qualms about asking for particular items when she is gone.
I'm an only child by birth, just who the fuck did I think I would have to share with?

This became a tradition apparently when 2 weeks ago I heard a familiar phrase burst forth from my 7 year old's lips.....

"Mom, when you die, can I have that mirror?"

Yup. I'm only 34 and already my kids are dividing up my stuff.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 2:41, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

how fucked is my p.c.?
Kindly tech-savvy b3tards,
Mrs. Tuque has just called me in a panic, because our system at home has an ``unmountable boot volume''error. the fix described here www.tech-recipes.com/rx/2605/fixing_the_dreaded_unmountable_boot_volume_error/ doesn't seem to be working. i've got a suspicion it's because the xp install disk is some bastardized version which came from dell and has a load of other crap loaded onto it. any suggestions? must we resign ourselves to reformatting? there are a host of photos, documents on there. we back up fairly frequently, but apparently not frequently enough. on another note, do you think this could have been caused by downloading shockwave?
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 1:52, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sport
They have regular olympics, paralympics, how cool would it be for there to be a drunk-olympics?

Not events featuring alcoholics, just regular people that have had a few. That stage where you've stopped losing your inhibitions and are getting a bit loud.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 1:37, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

erm...
some advice please

was all full of teh joy here the other day having bought some nice baubles for mrs spimf

anyone know anything about customs & excise on bringing trinkets into blighty - i have a UK passport but a UAE visa - plan to stay 2 weeks then her indoors becomes Florence of Arabia out here with me in the dustbowl.

dont want to pay tax
dont want to get a row for smuggling - i'm too pretty for prison - i would be currency in there

EDIT - having had ishouldavejoinedmyspace kindly reply - i should clarify, i mean jewellery
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 20:37, 54 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

a mysterious b3tan named Tess
has added my band on myspace.

The question is, who is it?

gaz me if you don't want the general populace to know!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 20:04, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A question about HDTVs, since I know a fair few of you on here will have them
I'm in the market for one. Probably a 32" as space is somewhat limited. I'd like a full 1080p though. Price not really an issue as long as I know I'm getting top quality.

Looking at the Sony Bravia W series, but the one thing I'm finding quite hard to find out about it is, how well does it upscale SD sources?

I'm slightly confused about all this, people on t'internet seem to be recommending, for example, getting a DVD player that upscales in the box, so outputs a HD signal to the TV. That's all well and good, and I don't mind that much splashing out on a new DVD player cos mine's pretty shit anyway, but what about Sky?

I'm planning to get a Sky HD box anyway, but the vast majority of the content will still be in SD. Does the Sky box upscale, and is it any good at this? Or does it use the TV's ability to upscale? I won't be able to afford Sky HD for a while, so basically would like a HDTV that has decent upscaling built in, I've seen some that look a bit poo with SD sources plugged into them.

Can't find anywhere on the internet that ranks them by this though, everyone seems to be banging on about Blu-Ray and full 1080 sources etc, even though loads of people must be watching standard def content on them.

Any thoughts or recommendations guys?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 19:22, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ps3 owners...
submit ur PSN names to meee if u fancy some online multiplayer games

games in my library include GTA4, Haze, Resistance fall of man, Call o Duty 4, Guitar hero 3 and others..
(Lord Chode, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 19:01, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

fri night
i was really excited about the counting crows concert. met my friend evie at westminster, all glammed up in our "rock chick" look - tight black jeans, lashings of black eyeliner and very high heeled black boots.

i had the tickets in my bag. show started at 7pm. we arrived at the 02 at about 6.55, feet already hurting in the stupid spiky stiletto boots. evie's tight jeans were already giving her what she attractively described to the entire tube station as "nappy rash".

the security guard looked at the ticket. then he looked at me. i looked at him. he looked as if he were trying not to piss himself. so i looked at the ticket. then it hit me straight between the heavily mascara'd eyes... the ticket clearly said WEMBLEY. all over it. in huge black capital letters. those fricking tickets had been pinned on the noticeboard in front of my face since september. evie thought i was a total fucktard. i think she may be right.

for anyone who might not know london, if the 02 is twenty past, wembley is ten to. they couldn't be much further apart. we had to "run" back to the tube and travel all the way over to wembley. in jeans that didn't want to let us sit down and shoes that were insisting we did, sparkly black makeup streaked everywhere with rain and sweat.

finally we got off at wembley at about 8.15pm. shit, shit, were we missing it? we ran limpingly down to the stadium. nobody there, but the concert was at the arena, after all. turned right. staggered over to the arena.

hmmmmmmm. looks a bit quiet, doesn't it?

bastards had only gone and cancelled it, rescheduled for MAY 2009. i bought our tickets on ebay, so it seems that the seller didn't feel this was information that needed to be passed onto me. i would really really like to cunt him in the feck.

i bet i win the "shit night" award for 2008, any other contenders?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 16:03, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cripes!!
What a wanker!

Guess what his job is going to be for the next 8 years?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 8 Dec 2008, 15:45, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Computer help
I moved my computer the other day as I am decorating my bedroom.

After unplugging it, moving it and plugging everything back in I now don't get any sound coming from the line outs or headphone jack from itunes, internet, film etc.

however, if I go into sound setup and try something like the stereo sound test that works fine.

I've reinstalled the drivers and that didn't help.

Any ideas?

edit: further info: I'm using Vista (sorry) and when I plug the jack in it comes up with the message saying that one has been plugged in.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 14:34, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Has the world/the internet gone mad?!
Now I'm as much against child porn & paedophilia as the next man, naturally.

But have been reading increasing numbers of stories recently suggesting that the legal systems of many countries are swinging too far in the other direction...

So, one to discuss: Is kneejerk violent reaction to possible child porn and abuse more important than freedom of speech and lack of censorship?

Seems like this could be the thin end of the wedge...

www.theregister.co.uk/2008/12/05/liveleak_baby/
www.theregister.co.uk/2008/12/07/brit_isps_censor_wikipedia/
www.theregister.co.uk/2008/12/08/simpsons_supreme_court/
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 14:24, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Tooth Fairy
The other morning son #2 got up and as I nagged him to get dressed as he'd be late for school (again) he told me to hang on.

"I've got to check if I've got a pound under my pillow!"

I ignored this and carried on applying the three inches of slap to my face to enable me to face the world and not look like a Terrahawk.

He returned to his bedroom and rummaged about.

He does this a lot.

Generally it involves making stuff and causing mayhem with his twin brother.

Finally I followed him in to nag again about getting dressed.

"Oh no! She didn't take it!"

"Get dressed."

"But I haven't got my pound!"

"Get dressed. You'll be late for school."

"But I haven't got my pound!"

"...."

"Look"

He shows me a large plastic tooth (god alone knows where he found it) which he had secreted under his pillow.

"The Tooth Fairy didn't take it and give me a pound"


I left the room quickly stifling my snorts of derision and laughter.

Bless him.

He'll be eleven in four weeks time.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 13:53, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MY STEP FATHER IS MADE OF CHEESE
LOL!
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 12:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Parenting class...
I was in town on Saturday. Standing next to me in one of the packed shops I visited was a woman with her two kids, the older of whom was trying to attract her mother's attention.
"Stop it, child'sname," barked the mother. "I don't care. Nobody cares. You'll realise that when you get older."


She must be the kind of mother who wakes her kids on Christmas morning to show them what Santa hasn't brought them because he doesn't exist.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 12:17, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Re Sign
It's a simple design, but it'll do him.


( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 10:17, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)