I've just remembered, right
When I was in 'Nam (cue flashbacks, chopper blades overhead, Wagner) we visited a shop selling ridiculously cheap DVDs. I resisted the urge to buy a BSG box set, suspecting it might not be 100% genuine owing to the front cover depicting the Enterprise NCC-1701-D in flight alongside a Cylon BaseStar, but Ms Foxtrot and our friend Freya found a film called LXD: Legion of Extraordinary Dancers. Totally not kidding.

What ludicrous and totally self-descriptive film titles would you like to see made?

Alt Q - How the FUCK is Stuart Baggs still in The Apprentice?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 10:58, 125 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The Postman Always Rims Twice
Frotting Hill
Children of a Lezzer God

Sorry, first reply and I've lowered the tone already.
(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:00, Reply)

This thread is now about amusing porn titles
I own a copy of The Erotic Witch Project. Not the most imaginative of re-titlings, but it does involve three ditsy porn stars having their clothes stolen as they traipse around in the woods, the erotic witch causing them to get hornier and hornier, all filmed on their handhelds.
Oh, some of it is filmed from the POV of a GORILLA that escaped from the local zoo... Said gorilla (well, man in a cheap costume) is also seen briefly fucking a blow-up doll...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:08, Reply)

Seen it
Suitably mental but nowhere near erotic enough to justify the title

Better than the original though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Agreed on all counts
It's more comedy than anything else, which is why I own it (it's the only 'porn' film I do own).
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:18, Reply)

I used to have the hardcore porn version of Macbeth on vhs.
It was entertaining to see where the corpse paint from Banquo's ghost ended up.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Really?
I don't know whether to be impressed or depressed. I mean if Labs hasn't got any real porn, what hope is there for the industry?

Admittedly I don't own any either but that's mostly because I'm terrified of my girlfriend
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:26, Reply)

he gets his fill at work

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I don't 'own' any, in that I haven't exchanged money for grot.
God bless the Internet!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Ah yes, internet porn
Mostly free, practically untraceable
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I haven't seen that rather fine sounding piece of cinema..
So I'll just continue with some more titles if that's ok.

The Girl With The Pearl Necklace
Picnic at Hanging Cock
Trouser Snakes on a Plane
(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Don't forget the frankly horrific geriatric homosexual epic
No Cunt for Old Men.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Excellent.

(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

And for the sicker souls among you
There Will be Blood
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:07, Reply)

a mate of mine had a copy of one of the Brosnan bond films from China
the subtitles were hilariously wrong. At one point at the beginning Bond is being beaten up while in a prison camp, and the commandant type character best in and shouts "I really like your tie!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Was he played by Gok Wan?

(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:02, Reply)

You underestimate the power of fashion

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:03, Reply)

The first half of this Q is so


...it fucking HURTS. I read 'the front cover depicting the Enterprise NCC-1701-D in flight alongside a Cylon BaseStar' in the voice of the Crump brothers in 'Natural Born Quizzers'.

The second: Who? The what?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:04, Reply)

it's a reality tv show reference dhaaarling wouldn't expect you to understand

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:12, Reply)

My flatmates have been watching the most recent series
I caught a few minutes and actually had to say I was impressed: against all my expectations, they'd manage to find a person who was even more skin-crawlingly loathsome than Alan Sugar.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Much more excitingly
I have just had my copy of 70s heavy rock obscurity 'Growers of Mushroom' by Leaf Hound* delivered from France. On original costs £1500+, this is the first reissue ever and is limited to 250 copies.

Finally, something we all agree is EXTREMELY INTERESTING.


*Vippers, you may remember your liking their cowbell-rocking classic 'Freelance Fiend' which I posted a YouTube link to a while back. Of course you may well not.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:12, Reply)

How much is a copy?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Only £25 or so but I would imagine all copies are now sold
(I pre-ordered mine) so this will go up sharply.

One of my most wanted records is High Rise II by Japanese rockers High Rise, from the early 80s. Someone pressed 500 more in about 2002 and they themselves are worth many hundreds of pounds. I have never seen it for sale.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

it rings a bell certainly

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Ha ha!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Ha ha!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Great seats, anyone?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:30, Reply)

I missed the begining of your Squeeze at the Phil thing
what's it about?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Basically it was a double post by Roota that got out of hand
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post992083#post992092
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:39, Reply)

ah I see

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:42, Reply)

last night at band practice
I was messing around with a riff, which turned into a solid soft rock number. It was fairly amusing, until I suggested it needed more cowbell "alright now" style.

Once that was introduced we couldn't stop laughing. Turns out though, that we can do soft rock really really well. Almost embarrassingly well.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:31, Reply)

You should try your hand at 'Hair of the Dog' by Nazareth.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

we've got a jazz number coming along nicely
mainly to shut up the people constantly calling for bass solos
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:36, Reply)

The best way to shut up someone constantly calling for bass solos
is with a hammer.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:38, Reply)

I might pay your salary
so you can post on here all day.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:39, Reply)

I don't tend to take one to gigs with me
I think I probably should.

once again, you come through with the great advice
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Or, go into Donna Lea, and shut them up forever
Alternatively, a good song instead.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Can't we discuss the Met's tactics against protestors.
I should run the met they're stupid.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:15, Reply)

I enjoyed the fact A Woman of Stupid Ideas Ltd said
The reason it got out of control was there were far more students than police, we need more police.

Oh ok let me just order some, can everyone else in london please stop committing crimes we need all the Police
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I blame the Met's love of kettleing
they bang on about it like they're very very clever for keeping people in one area until they're so pissed off and hungry they go home.
That's why people weren't following the routes, thats why people were activley trying to avoid the police.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Well if I was boxed in, told I couldn't go down a public street,
was cold, hungry and needed a piss and then got charged at by a horse, I certainly wouldn't be pissed off and would head right home. The MET are heavy handed bastards at the best of times.
( Peej, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:23, Reply)

I can't imagine Sting would be much good
He'd try to tantric kettle the students.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:21, Reply)

I can't speak for anyone else
but I'm well up for hearing how you'd manage the Met
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:19, Reply)

with an inflexible iron-like
spreadsheet.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:21, Reply)

I'd teach them all ballroom dancing
get the police sirens replaced with pendulum and give them fabulous makeovers dahling.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:22, Reply)

I disapprove

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:38, Reply)

I'd have elite cops like Christian Bale in Equilibrium
Students rioting? Send in one Grammaton Cleric, anyone that survives would be too busy saying "Did you see that? That was fucking COOL!" to continue rioting.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:25, Reply)

*votes for Lab as police commissioner*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:27, Reply)

I think he'd actually be better than me.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

For a start I'd make Parliament respect the Police
Not demand the impossible while simultaneously cutting their resources. I'd make them FEAR me, and start acting like responsible, law-abiding adults, not entitled superhumans.

Then I'd work on the bankers.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

ork on the b ers
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:34, Reply)

If I had Clegg and Cameron supplicating at my feet
Begging for my forgiveness, then you're damn right I'd be wanking furiously.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Please stamp on Cameron's smug fucking face
And simply piss all over Clegg, then let him leave. He's already dead to pretty much everyone anyway.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Mark Oaten would probably love to do the latter.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:48, Reply)

*George Clinton joke*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Get Professor X (or someone equivalent with a sense of humour)
And get all of the protestors within 100 yards to punch themselves in the face repeatedly, until they either pass out, or go beyond the 'punch line'
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I would love to see a line of people marching angrily forward
crossing an invisible line and then all simultaneously punching themselves in the face.

I'm laughing just picturing it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:32, Reply)

I hadn't visualised it until you said this
Now, so am I!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Professor Griff has a sense of humour.

Oh, hang on.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I've just had to look up who that is
*shame*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:43, Reply)

I love that film
you have my vote
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:33, Reply)

In all seriousness, why do people compare it to The Matrix?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

because it's better

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Than the original? No chance
The other 2, fine.

Stylistically similar, maybe, in that it's a guy wearing a leather jacket, beating people up. Therefore it's the same as Angel, Blade, etc.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:37, Reply)

...Happy Days....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

That too!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Mad Dog is right
And a big part of the style and visuals of the film bearing comparison to The Matrix is because for about two years after The Matrix came out every action movie released wanted to be The Matrix
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Because it came out at roughly the same time
And has awesome kung-fu fights with guns, plus a similar bleak outlook/style/wardrobe.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:39, Reply)

If they're covering their face while protesting, they must be terrorists
Therefore break their fucking skulls.

Same for any who are violent, throwing bricks, flares, etc.

Arrogant little tosspots.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Yeah, you're an idiot.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

The first line is a joke
The rest isn't.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

god that was my ex's favourite joke
"when i was in 'nam.... cheltenham..."

quick question for y'all, which i am afraid ignores the question in my usual cavalier fashion. my brother and i are thinking of buying dad a new fancy HD tv for christmas. this means that we will need to dispose of the current set-up, which is about 2 years old, and which is a 50" HD-ready flat-screen with horrendously complex surround sound system. on the basis that you might have to pick it up/send a man with a van, would anyone on here want it?????? (re-selling not allowed, it might as well go to someone who would use it!)

gaz me if so, and i'll let you know if we do it and it's going begging.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Oop North, or Dahn Saaf?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:26, Reply)

get him a Samsung one

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:27, Reply)

why the fuck would he want another TV when he already has such a good one!?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:31, Reply)

50" is so last year daahling
Remember, she's a Wilmslow girl
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Oh if Gonz offers to buy it then say no, we already have a perfectly fine TV!!!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

oh no
i don't want any cash for it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:37, Reply)

That was my thinking TGB
Especially when the new telly comes with the 'and we've given away your perfectly good old telly as well!' tagline.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

he might say we could put the old tv in the lounge
but now my mum's not here any more nobody really goes in that room, and it certainly won't fit in the tv cabinet!

nah, he'd rather someone had it who would enjoy using it, definitely.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:36, Reply)

If it's oop North, I'll take it
But I assume he's dahn saaf?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:38, Reply)

no, he's in wilmslow!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Ooh, if that's the case I'd happily take that off your hands!
Easy enough to get someone to help me!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:44, Reply)

it's my brother's idea
something to do with watching football.

the thing with my dad, he is IMPOSSIBLE to buy for. if he wants it, he already has it, and he doesn't really want that much - just nice clothes, golf stuff and football stuff. and you can't buy the same thing every year, esp as he takes us all on holiday... buying presents for men is HARD.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Well why not get him a 3D television for the lounge?
Add to that a Sky 3D subscription and it'll be something a bit different.

It'll be great for the sport as well, and he can keep his perfectly good telly where it is now?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:38, Reply)

he already has that in the family room
this is the problem. you name it, he has it. little things to get him are easy, but finding an original main present from me and brothers is a total bugger every year!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:43, Reply)

What are his hobbies and interests?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

A golf buggy.

(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

buy him a russian bride
to act as his golf caddy
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Or one from Thailand
Then, if he loses his golf ball, she can just pop a new one out of her fanny.
(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:51, Reply)

hahahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Or at home she can lie there and act like one of those putting practice machines

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

I refer the good gentleman to Jeff's reply above.

(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

What sort of money are you thinking of spending?
You could get one of those electronic golf nets that gets hooked up to a computer game.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

we normally spend about £250-£300 each
only on him, i hasten to add! my brother can have a £50 itunes voucher and like it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Is it the two of you putting into the pot? So, around £500-600 in total?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:57, Reply)

3 of us
older brother will do as he's told, he's got 3 kids and a wife to shop for, so he is just glad not to have to make any more present decisions!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

What's he like with technology? Does he travel a lot?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:00, Reply)

old-fashioned and yes!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:11, Reply)

I informed my dad at his birthday
that he either needs to start liking more stuff or stop buying the few things he does like, otherwise he will be getting a bottle of Scotch every Christmas and birthday from now until the day he dies.

His repsonse? "I suppose I could use a new tie if you really want."
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

My Dad keeps an Amazon wish list
And for my Mum's birthday last week we bought her a Pandora charm bracelet, so I'll be getting her a charm for that.

DONE.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:43, Reply)

You should buy her a tattoo.
Facial spider-webs are 'big' at the moment.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Is Lab's Mum "all aternative and shit like that"?

(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Oh God yeah.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

She's already got a big black 'X' tattood across her face
Showing how she won't conform to society.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I heard it was a target

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

She incorporates a scoring system into her wednesday night bukkake sessions

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

ukkake +ingo

Reverse strikethrough time
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Very well
strikethrough time parking maneouvre
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Why not take him out for meals etc?
When you don't need or want any stuff, you'll still want meals esp with your family.

This only works if he doesn't hate your fucking guts, of course.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:45, Reply)

we do this all the time anyway :(
my suggestion was that the 3 of us take him for a weekend to paris or brussels or somewhere on the eurostar, but my brother thinks the football-enhancing tv will be better.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Buying presents for men is not hard
Buy him some beer. Or some sort of novelty toy in which a woman takes her clothes off.

Done.
( Kroney, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:50, Reply)

One of those pens, you mean?
PHWOARRRR
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Exactly this
or one of the viewing thingies you used to get in the eighties with a film of women taking their clothes off. Or of beer.
( Kroney, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I was once in a bar that served vodka in these novelty shot glasses
that had retro nude pin-up photos in the base. However due to the optical effect of the liquid you could only see the girl if the glass was full. A nifty incentive to get another round.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

A lot of Chinese places do this with Sake

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

What are they doing selling Japanese drinks?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:25, Reply)

No idea

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:43, Reply)

oh yeah
something for my dad to perve over. what a charming present from his daughter.

now you trot off and buy your mother an 18" anal intruding dildo, there's a good chap!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I'm not suggesting you get him a fleshlight.
Please try to be reasonable, dear.
( Kroney, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:55, Reply)

She already has three.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Yeah, but she keeps losing them up there, it's becoming an expensive hobby.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Not me, but thank you for the kind and generous offer.

(Cave Duck, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I don't even own a 50 inch flat.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

*sniggers*

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

sigh
i don't even own a 50 inch flat
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:10, Reply)