Long time no see...
Haven't been here much in the last year or so. What's changed?

I've left you a present in the form of my latest escapade. It's in the replies as an early Christmas gift. Sorry if it's not exactly what you wanted, Santa's a bit busy at the moment.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:05, 70 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Roppongi, Rage, Revenge
Life could have been worse, but it felt like I’d reached my lowest ebb around 6 months ago. My marriage was utterly broken, work was boring me into a coma and my social life was reduced to drinking the hours away until bedtime. The destructive cycle had to end so, after endless deliberation and reconciliation inside my own head, I finally concluded that marital separation was the starting point. A relationship frozen in permanent unhappiness eats away at you but it’s only after parting ways that all the stress bubbles to the surface. It took two weeks for mine to materialize and it was only as the red mist descended that I finally realized how pissed off I had become, but that would be skipping ahead…

To recap, I’ve lived in Japan for over two years in a fairly shitty marriage. Apart from the nuptials, life here has been great, but a couple of things remain perennially frustrating. The first is ex-pat socializing, which consists mainly (in Tokyo at least) of standing around in bars with fellow foreigners. It encourages a social life that revolves around drinking and smoking, so not particularly healthy.

The other chief source of my exasperation is Japan’s fecund, relentless Xenophobia. I hesitate to use the word ‘racism’ because that implies hatred, whereas most Japanese just fear foreigners (in the same way mammals instinctively fear snakes). For example, it’s common to be sitting on a bench seat on a train and watch passenger after passenger move to sit down, notice I’m a foreigner and abruptly change their mind. I’ve even had people change seats because I’ve sat next to them –no, it’s not my fetid armpits, it happens to anyone lacking a Japanese bloodline.

This story occurred two weeks after my wife moved out. I felt pretty good in some ways, being able to use the entire house again instead of feeling unwelcome in my own home. Friends had mentioned that I was snapping at people a little and my patience and tolerance levels were low, but I put that down to long working hours at the end of the year. I put my worries aside as I had been invited to a leaving party for a friend who was moving to Singapore, and the drinks were flowing freely. That is, he was paying for them all. Always one to snag a freebie, I stayed until everyone staggered home around 11pm. Feeling adventurous, I hopped on the train to Roppongi, a foreigners’ playground in Tokyo, to meet up with some other friends I hadn’t seen for months.

‘The Pong’, as it is known, was dead. Roppongi was once the hub of foreign money in Japan, with bankers and businessmen spending indulgently without a care for where it was coming from or where it would end up (i.e. the Yakuza, Japan’s mafia). Girls would travel to Tokyo from miles around to try and catch themselves a rich foreign husband. Those days are (thankfully) gone; it’s all faded glamour and unjustifiable pricing now. However, my mates still knew some fun hangouts so I headed to our meeting place looking forward to ending the night in a bustling party bar.

Alas, it too was bereft of life. My eyes adjusted to the dim glow of the candles and flickering neon signage but before I could locate my friends, I was ambushed by a barmaid who had recognized me. She was normally round the other side of the bar waitressing but apparently she had earned a promotion to manager. Without asking, she opened a bottle of beer for me and popped in a wedge of lime. I protested in vain that I wanted to meet my friends first but I was too drunk to argue properly so I begrudgingly paid, ultimately finding them at the other end of the bar. “You twat, we were about to leave” said one, visibly disappointed at the prospect of spending another moment in the place. “I’ll get a round in then” I offered. After placing their order, I noticed a sly wink and exchange of grins between the manager who had served me and a couple of other staff. They knew my friends were about to leave, I’d been set up for this unnecessary round and I felt like a complete mug.

A flame lit up inside me, piss and vinegar began to boil rapidly. I hurried the group along with their drinks and left without finishing mine, giving a stern look of disapproval to the barmaid, who returned a sheepish glance as we fumbled our way back out into the perma-glare of tacky shop frontages and bars. We walked around the empty streets for a while then decided to head for a reliable place near the train station which we had all used as our default (but unexceptional) drinking hole. To our delight, it seemed to be the only establishment in town that had managed to attract any customers.

As an apology for keeping them waiting I offered to buy another round of drinks. Customers jostled past me as I squeezed through to the serving area. I noticed at this point that the bar staff were all unfamiliar. I had been coming here for years (originally in 2005 when I first went to Tokyo on a business trip) and I’d always seen the same faces serving. Not any more, I figured it was under new management. I was first in line, making eye contact with the bartender and nodding so he knew I wanted serving. No nod was returned. Instead, he turned away and went back to stacking glasses.

A small group of Japanese customers entered and sidled up alongside me. The bartender noticed them arrive, looked over at me then went to serve them first. In total, he served four people who had arrived after me, all of them Japanese. As he gave the change to the last one, he was standing right next to me so I knew I had to be next. Amazingly, he chose to turn around and walk away. I wasn’t going to let him escape so easily though, so I shouted ‘sumimasen’ (excuse me!) at the top of my voice. Unable to avoid me any longer, he slithered up to the serving position and gave me a look that uncannily resembled someone who had walked all through his house later to discover his shoes caked in dogshit. This guy had a big problem with foreigners, so it seemed.

I eyed him suspiciously… he was now sporting a poker face, so I just placed my order. While he was busy making the drinks, I decided the cocky, racist little shit deserved retribution so I turned my back on him and began chatting with my three friends, who seemed fittingly amused by my unfolding predicament. Within a minute or so I could hear him chirping and whining for payment, but I maintained my stance just a little longer until I was satisfied I’d wasted as much of his time as he'd wasted of mine. Our four cocktails were standing on the bar so I handed over a big note and waited for my change, which arrived quickly in the form of a couple of smaller notes and some coins.

As I went take my change, he tossed his wrist at me and the coins went flying to the busy floor behind me. In disbelief (this sort of thing never happens in Japan) I looked up to find a proper ‘FUCK YOU’ expression on his face. I was fucking livid.

“OI, CUNT!” I screamed, which startled everyone, including his manager who was standing in the next serving section. I angrily beckoned his boss over, but the bartender whispered something into his ear before I had a chance to speak. Before I began, I could tell the manager now gave not a single fuck about me. I tried explaining how I had been ignored, how he had insulted me in front of my friends but my Japanese was barely adequate –I’d never needed to learn bar conflict resolution before—so I resorted to demonstrating what had happened in the universal language of mime. I demanded that he replace the change he had thrown at me but they both offered up the same (obviously fake) expression of confusion, repeating over and over again ‘wakarimasen’ (I don’t understand). I fell back to English, which received even blanker looks. Eventually the manager grew tired of the stalemate and went back to his serving station. I was faced with just the asshole bartender again. “You threw my money at me, give me my change” I repeated. He allowed a wry smile to creep across his self-satisfied face and leaned over so only I could hear him. “Your side, you pick it up” he calmly stated in perfect English.

The bar and all of its contents took on various shades of red as I exploded in an apoplectic pique of incandescent nuclear fury.

Seething, I turned to the two Japanese gentlemen sitting on each side of me. “Do-itay kudasai” (Move, please) and they leaned away from the bar, curious as to the next move in the entertaining sideshow they were witnessing. The next part happened much faster than words alone can convey. I picked up the drinks, looked at the smug barcunt for just an instant then poured them across the bar, first to the left, then to the right. It did a spectacular job of coating the entire serving area. I now had four empty glasses in front of me. One by one, I picked them up and threw them as hard as I could behind the bar at the ground, where they exploded satisfyingly around his feet in a billion smithereens. He was stunned into 'OMG-faced' silence, as were my friends and the guys sitting next to me.

Before the final shards had returned to the ground, I leaned over and said “Your side, you pick it up” before turning back to my friends who decided unanimously that it was time to leave.

I’m not proud of my actions, in fact I’m just glad I didn’t injure anyone because I was so angry I would have probably punched the smug prick if he’d been in range. However, I can safely say that I have never felt such a zen-like calm as I did while sipping my tea before crashing into bed that evening. Revenge may not be legal but sometimes, occasionally, it’s completely worth it.

Merry Christmas everyone.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:06, Reply)

Sorry to hear about your marriage Mr Cat.
Very well written story.

Those bloody Japanese are a funny bunch.
( girlinthehole, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:34, Reply)

It sounds like you've had
a really shit year. I'm sorry to hear it. But there's nothing quite like going a bit Basil Fawlty on a situation to make you feel better.
(berk, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:41, Reply)

That sounds rather wanky, not good.
I hate rude bartenders at any time, and have informed one as such after a few too many pints. "Sir, I believe your tone to be condescending, and I feel you could be more polite" is what I had in mind. I think my exact words were "Christ, you're a cunt, aren't you?"

Whoops.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Pfft
It's customers like you that make me want a real job.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Brit's abroad.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:23, Reply)

There is nothing funnier than a Brit abroad.
Nothing.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Wow
that is shocking, they're usually so passive and indirect with the rudeness and xenophobia. Nicely written story though chief, I'm glad you've reconsidered retirement.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Love it
Gaijin Smash!

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gaijin%20smash
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Fuck I don't know if I'd have been able to control myself in that situation
And I'm planning on a trip to Japan, hopefully in July! Here's hoping my charm and good looks will win them over.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:04, Reply)

And if you don't win them over you can always chin them over.

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Godchinna!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:16, Reply)

There's a post about you on this weeks question

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Really? Christ...
Edit: A chin joke, by you. Ta muchly.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Lab, earlier:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbS2cgNL3ho
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Be sure to pick up a copy of their phone book.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:13, Reply)

If you're going for a chin joke
You want China, you racist.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Lacist

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Don't worry, Japan is almost never like this
I had the perfect storm of motive, opportunity and a racist cunt.
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 3:12, Reply)

Mince pie, anyone?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:14, Reply)

No
but mulled wine would be lovely
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:23, Reply)

I was tempted to buy the pre-done stuff this year
Then I got a hold of myself.
I shall buy the ingredientays tonight.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:27, Reply)

I got some of the predone stuff from Tesco
£2.99 a bottle, and surprisingly nice. I cleared them out.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:30, Reply)

You shouldn't have told me that

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:36, Reply)

It was even nice after I zapped it in the microwave
Heat slowly in a saucepan my arse.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:38, Reply)

That's so lazy.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:47, Reply)

We have met before, right?
Plus, if you're only making one glass it's not.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Ahh, good point, I remember something...
"I need alcohol now! Quick, give me a double vodka and orange!" *gulp*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:51, Reply)

I didn't say "I need alcohol now!"

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:54, Reply)

Are you going to tell me you didn't think it?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:59, Reply)

I never said "Quick!" either
Stop spreading lies. Just because I got a double vodka and orange at lunchtime to combat a hangover and drunk it in one before the barman had even given me my change doesn't mean anything.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:02, Reply)

Haha, that's well out of order, he's just poured his heart out and you snub him off with frivlaties such as Mince Pies.
Not being funny, but I do agree with you, I don't care in the slightest, but it's not too borring a story, I managed up to the bit where he was in a bar. I think the addition of Will Smith and Jacky Chan would make the story better; maybe he could have some kind of superpower? I donno what exactly, maybe he can speak partial japanese and partial english; I would love that super power.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Throw in some swords and lots of blood and we could have a hit on our hands.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:32, Reply)

He did mention the japanese maffia at some point.
I hear they're a little bit like the italian maffia only that they're japanese.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:34, Reply)

I've got the title:
Brit's Abroad in the Land of the Accord
(PsychoChomp, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:42, Reply)

*click!*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I just read the paragraph that started with "OI CUNT", very dramatic.
I think my fave line on QOTW is "I'm not proud....".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

You can tell it's going to be good when they say that

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Fair enough
It was a long story.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 19:29, Reply)

I like this
and it's nice to be able to read your stories again, cunt cat.

Xmas party today, should be a horrendous mess by midday. Excellent.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:22, Reply)

Ours was last night
I'm feeling rather fuzzy and I have to go and set up the tills and do the bank shit.
Groooo.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:26, Reply)

Magnificent
It was mine last Friday, not the best.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:52, Reply)

Nice one.
The Greeks can be a bit like that with foreigners. Not all of them, but a very small minority that I've come across. The missus speaks the language fluently, yet some aresholes still pretend that they can't understand her.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Someone would dare to bait Tourettes?
Fuck me.

*ducks*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

She just gives them a hard stare
and speaks pointedly, loudly and in pigeon English at them when they do it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Then farts, and leaves.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I think the only country I've been too where that doens't happen, at least in some way, is Malta.
They fucking love the Brits like no other nation I've seen.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:21, Reply)

This is true.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I once had an australian claim he couldn't understand what I was saying to him
I was both furious and stunned at teh same time.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Understandable
if what you were saying didn't involve tinnies, shrimps, barbies or cricket.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Were you asking for a "nommy sammich" at the time?

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:39, Reply)

No I was doing an impression of Ian Dury

(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Does spazz-hobbling change your voice much?

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Maybe it's because of your impenetrably thick Geordie accent?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Whey aye man, tha's it like, man pet chebs.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:45, Reply)

*pats your manchebs*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:46, Reply)

I think I missed a couple of commas out...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:48, Reply)

I think that must have been it

(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Nice one.
You did the right thing.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Dunno, when I come across a cunt like that I try not to engage in a course of action that would lead to arrest, conviction, revocation of work visa with consequential loss of employment
I'd have fucked off somewhere else for a drink. If I was one of his so called mates I'd never be in the same place as him ever again.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Rory, you're replying to someone who thinks it's okay to steal things

(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:54, Reply)

It's ok, I believe he's protected by a secret identity so he's teflon

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:56, Reply)

It's not as simple as that, I'm afraid.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Easier said than done
when you've got a brain full of anger-magma and a mouth-volcano waiting to eject it.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 19:43, Reply)

Dirty forrin bastards....
...with their filthy amputee porn, bukkake parties and octopus insertions.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:54, Reply)

What a night out that was.

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Or day at work for Labs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:21, Reply)

tl:dr

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Short version.
He attacks Japs for being inscrutable.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:34, Reply)

This is
surprisingly apt.

My TL;DR:

Got tipsy, got annoyed, got snubbed by a racist J-bartender, went mental in a fit of childish revenge. Wasted a lot of booze in the process. No casualties.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 19:44, Reply)