I just received this text from a friend.
'Don't take this the wrong way, but everytime you enter the room it smells like someone smeared shit over my face'

What's the best text/gaz/insult you've received?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:46, 120 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Not to or from me, just read it in a case
"And my dick's burning".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I've only recieved nice things so far today.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:49, Reply)

*sounds of deluge of insults landing in Chompy's gaz folders*
EDIT:

Why do I always end up replying to you? Nothing personal you understand, old chap
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:52, Reply)

Because you love me?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:53, Reply)

But of course

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:54, Reply)

The most entertaining gaz I've ever received was off cr3
"i am a heron. i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak. if you dont gaz this to five other b3tans i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans."
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I like this.

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

That explains the kitchen in my house
I've been heroned
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:51, Reply)

The last time I was proper insulted was on Match.com.

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Pray tell

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Some old merkin geezer told me I needed to pluck my eyebrows and wear make up or something like that then I'd look fairly attractive..

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Ouch!
harsh
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

I no rite.

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

But wrong
She already looks better than just 'fairly' attractive.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I'm afraid I cannot comment
due to not having seen any pics of said blouse
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:57, Reply)

That reminds me, I have to 'shop a pic of Blousie...

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:58, Reply)

To clean up the eyebrows and make it look like she wears makeup?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:04, Reply)

The wedding pics make me look like a fat Rita Hayworth.
I should have curled my hair properly for the full effect.
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:02, Reply)

Hmm, trying to get a good profile shot of you
Found one that could work. I promise you'll love the result, if it works.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:04, Reply)

I've just decided I'm going to get you drunk and get The Picture tattooed on your back

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

says you

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Shop away regardless chum.
As long as it's funny I don't care.
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

I hope you told the merkin
He was a cunt.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

I did.
Basically he told me he had very little chance of getting any replies to his profile so he spent his time telling women, 'the truth'.
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:58, Reply)

On a dating site?
Seems a bit pointless really.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Who knows what goes on in their little merkin heads.

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)

I'm guessing not much
in his case
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:04, Reply)

Probably just as worrying as what goes off in their little merkin hands.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

*shakes head slowly*
must you always think about dick?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I am a big fan of
"Go and take your face for a shit"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:50, Reply)

upon texting my brother to tell him he was the Arse-bishop of Cunterbury
he replied "and you are his hind-ness the Ponce of Gayles"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:51, Reply)

30 this year, eh Vippers?

( Kroney, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:52, Reply)

that is correct
not for a good few months though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:53, Reply)

*last-year-of-youth-highfives*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

won't make much difference
I'm much the same as I was at 25, except perhaps more charming and ruggedly good-looking.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I know, was joshin'
At 25 I felt/acted 21, now I feel and act like I'm 25. I'm working on the 'ruggedly good-looking' bit.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:57, Reply)

There will come a time when I'm going to have to act my age.
Hopefully I'll be dead by then.
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

This is the post of the day
No argument!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:00, Reply)

I've got to the "compliments from strangers on the street" phase of beard growth
it's outside my experience as typically I don't try and draw attention to myself.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Take it in context mate
those streets are in Exeter.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:00, Reply)

says the man from Milton Keynes.
you're just jealous that you can't get KFC served to you by a midget.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:01, Reply)

*joins jealousy queue for Zinger Tower Burger meal*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)

You could say
Can I have a TOWER burger? ZING
(PsychoChomp, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

He may get short with me

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

It'll probably go over his head.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Then he would be Grumpy

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

I did that last year.
Not to be recommended. I'd try something else if I were you. It's too late for me to ask for a refund, but you should still be able to cancel your order.
( Kroney, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I'll see what they can do for me
I suspect I might get fobbed off with store credit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:58, Reply)

There's often small print on their contracts
that locks you into buying at least another ten years. Watch out for that one.
( Kroney, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:01, Reply)

In the context of that message
You could only take that the wrong way if you weren't insulted.

I don't get interesting texts/gazzes or insults.
( Kroney, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:52, Reply)

Me neither

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I think it's a yoof thing.

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

This explains it
/isold
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:56, Reply)

It's funny.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:58, Reply)

This is half of an angry message I sent someone the other day:
"Elayna, while you make a fine spunk receptacle, and have sufficient talent to squeeze a baby out of your cunt hole, your threats are starting to bore me. For someone who's such a massive cunt, and someone who HAS a massive cunt, you're not very good at being a massive cunt."

I'm proud of it.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:53, Reply)

*golf claps*
This is excellent insultery
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

You should have called her a cunt.
That would have told her. Told her good.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 14:57, Reply)

She got knocked up by my mate
Now she's expelled the hideously ugly child from her fanny, she thinks she owns him and started to insult and make accusations about my best friend (mate's ex) on Facebook. I started off correcting her reasonably, but she got all bitchy and wouldn't shut up, so I lost it.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:00, Reply)

What was the other half of the angry message?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Uhm
"Fucking threaten me if you want Elayna - all I'm saying is just because you managed to keep some of Andy's sperm up your chuff for long enough to produce a child doesn't mean you fucking know everything about him. You certainly don't know anything about Sabina other than what he's told you, so why don't you fuck off, get back to playing at happy families and stop trying to pick fights with your fucking beloved's friends on the internet?"
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)

I think Andy needs to think more carefully about where he leaves his 'seed'

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)

+ in the future

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)

The best part was when they both defriended me for that, and I put as my status:
"Oh noes! Just been defriended by a couple on FB! Well, I guess you can't see me say this then: "He's only with you 'cos he knocked you up, your kid's fugly as fuck, he tried to fuck me two months ago, and he's probably cheating on you now".
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:21, Reply)

my friends and i don't really insult each other as such
i have to say, i think silence is the most offensive weapon. ESP after a date/sex, then it is a total killer. my friend is now up to her 20th internetdatingboy and i keep getting texts that say things like "why would you spend all night flirting with someone and snog them and then say you'll call - and never call? why do this? why? why not just wish them a polite goodbye so they KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO CALL? and it's more rejection for me, oh god, i can't take it..."

i have no answer for this, so i normally resort to "they're all the same" or "what a total cunt". i am thinking of putting them on auto-complete.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:00, Reply)

you could suggest to her that her needy-desperateness is leaking out all over the floor.
;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)

...or give her my number?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

ha, she lives in didsbury
she'd make mincemeat out of you though, you're only 22...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

While that may be true, I'd thoroughly enjoy it!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:22, Reply)

you'd never walk straight again

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

Worth it.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:32, Reply)

she's really not like that, if anything she is scarily independent and fierce
she does have a fair whinging point though. there is absolutely nothing wrong with not fancying someone, that happens to EVERYBODY all the time. however, there is everything wrong with not fancying someone, but thinking "fuck it, might as well try and get my dick wet for the evening" or acting as if you are interested when actually you have no intention of ever calling them again - but saying "i'll call you" because you think it's easier than saying goodbye. this kind of feeble shit is maddening!

unfortunately, i've been through this with her so many times that i am now sick of it...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

I like it better when they run away.
You know where you stand then.
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)

it is a fair point
people are cowards though, that's why.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

it's a really horrible thing to do
i mean FFS, i have no intention of picking up the phone when you call if you were dull/shit in the sack, but it would be nice to be able to have the option to ignore you!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)

I don't see any difference between saying you will call and not
and not taking their call to be honest.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)

That's because there isn't.
Everyone just likes to be the one in control of the rejection, and if you can dress that up as "all women/men (delete as applicable) are utter SHITS" then all the better for the anger management.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:23, Reply)

precisely
which leads us back to saying you will call and not. Easy way out of not being rejected yourself.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)

i was joking, vippers
therein lies the difference.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)

I bet there was a grain of truth in it
and we weren't necessarily talking about you in particular.

The unfortunate thing is that as much as it sucks, it happens. Not everyone will do it. There is an element of needing to man the fuck up. It is not the fault of every man that she may have low self-esteem brought on by this, it is unlikely that any of them set out to bring her down.

Getting that worked up about it, and doing what seems like settling for someone awful because all the others she's been out with have been shit is a bit desperate in my view.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:32, Reply)

It's a fair point though.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

If you're getting bored of it
arrange a date with me. I'll put on such a display of breathless arrogance and treat her with such emotional cruelty that she'll stop questioning you and live a life of miserable chastity.

Happy to help.
( Kroney, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

Wait, what?
You can get away with dating/pulling and then never speak to them again?!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

no
you might think you have got away with it. but she is likely to tell all her friends/your mutual friends, so your chances of fucking any of them/their friends immediately reduce to ZERO.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)

HA! 'Reduce', good one! :p

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

*trigger fingers*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)

Just go back to you mate with the comforting words that are...
HUGZ4U LOL
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

^this.
It's foolproof. (Assuming you're happy with the possibility of her never speaking to you again, of course...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)

as a consequence of the other 19 fuckwits
she is now going on a 4th date with dr hug.

they have driven her to it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)

maybe it's for the best

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Dr Hug?
Maybe I missed the backstory to this chap...but he sounds like some of children's cartoon character gone horribly, creepily wrong.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)

a loser from the internet
who puts "hug" about 50 times per text.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

a loser from the Internet?
Have there ever been any winners from the Internet?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

very
good

point
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)

Sweet sweet desperation
Where would I be without you
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)

a spotty bespectacled virgin
posting on the internet?

oh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)

I'm not a proud man
if it works, it works. POWERHUGZ!!!11!!1
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)

cockgaz
then i'll let you know if it has worked or not.

or re-post it on here. depends what mood i'm in.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)

He's camera shy :(

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

somehow
i don't believe you really tried hard enough!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:31, Reply)

He starts crying and it all gets a bit messy to be honest.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)

But from what you've told us of Dr hug
being buggered to death with a red hot rusty poker would be better than settling down with him...
(berk, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)

yes
yes i agree. his texts drive me insane and i am only third party to them!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)

best insult was probably from Bou calling me a jealous bitch, amongst other things
I got a text once from facebook mobile saying my favorite author commented on my status, I was well chuffed, locked it and everything.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:01, Reply)

I appear to have mistaken the purpose of Gaz
as apparently I am failing to ask for pictures of gazzee's tits.

Insult wise - I was texted on saturday night asking if I had run out of cement.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)

had you?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)

The world needs to know

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:12, Reply)

B&Q needs to know.

( girlinthehole, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)

You only need 2 teaspoons of cement in these cases
so it's unlikely to affect B&Qs profits much.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I'd fucked my ankle after a collision with the opposition 'keeper.
what with him having the body armour, I came off worst. So, yeah, I had run out of cement, but I was justifiable cement-loss.

I suspect this isn't clarifying things, really, is it?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)

no
I can't tell if being asked if you had run out of cement was insulting or not.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)

It's in reference to
"take two teaspoons of cement and harden the fuck up"

I was being abused for not going to the pub on the grounds I couldn't walk. I appreciate that wasn't immediately obvious from the initial post.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:17, Reply)

it all becomes clear

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Overheard in a Glasgow boozer.
"Gan bile ya heid!" Doubletake. "Och, ye have already."
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)

Someone said
'you are of a similar intelligence to, and look just like, 'Bobby Pires' from the internet'.


I could think of nothing anywhere near that in response.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Being totally confused can do that to a man.
Chin up, old bean.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Best text ever...mmm??
I went on holiday once and got this message:

"Rate advice: When calling countries within the EU calls cost 19c/min".

I thought it was going to be at least 24c/min. Get in!!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:29, Reply)

oh...
Insult? Should have read that properly before responding.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:30, Reply)