I challenge you all
to tell me about something that is shitter than this:
ipad.firstblogfirst.com/2011/02/18/sherlock-holmes-book-goes-digital-on-iphone-ipad/

Amazing! It's like reading a book, right, but with sound effects!!!! And a 'blood' effect!!!11!!! Reading books is soooo boring, right? NOT ANY MORE!

I have an even better idea. If you get rid of the words, you could have, like, pictures that move, right, of actors saying the words from the book? Do away with that rubbish old reading altogether.

Brilliant.

What total fucking cunts. Because the stories aren't good enough to engage the reader without some 'app' developing spastic on a 'fixie' adding in some gay-ass 'horses' hooves' sound effect. Just fuck off.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:29, 177 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

And it only costs 1.91 pounds.
That's similar to £1.91 fact-fans.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:30, Reply)

That's a whole pound cheaper than Kitty's Red Bull
You had to be there, but I'm glad you weren't.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:31, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:32, Reply)

I literally couldn't believe it

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:32, Reply)

UR Victor Meldrew AICMFP.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:33, Reply)

nonsense
*picks up dog instead of phone*
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:34, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:35, Reply)

That does sound
Fucking Shit^TM
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:31, Reply)

This is not

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:36, Reply)

I wondered how he carried all that lube around

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:38, Reply)

haha
does he have a suitcase on wheels because his wrists won't support a real one?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:39, Reply)

ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahhaha *puffs on inhaler* hahahahahahahahahahahahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Is this an entry for 'Gays that I saw on the street'?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Christ, what a woofter

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:40, Reply)

Who is that tall, dashing homosexual?
hang on a sec, Darth quick, come look!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:41, Reply)

I can't see the pic sadly
But I can assure you it's not me; dashing I may be, but I'm only 5'11" sadly
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)

I know it's not you! you misunderstood my hilarious joke.
Luckily I'm not a freak( chompy ) and it's not terribly important.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

WANT SEE PICTURE NOW

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I WILL NOT HAVE YOU CRACKING ONE OFF OVER MY IMAGE YOU FILTHY POOVE

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT
OH WAIT, YES IT IS

NEVER MIND
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

BITCH FIGHT!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:26, Reply)

If you were going to cast two B3tans to recreate the "fight" from Bridget Jones' Diary,
it would be me and Crowsephine, certainly.

For reasons which I have just amply demonstrated
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Aw! he looks lost.

( girlinthehole, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:53, Reply)

He's searching for the 'brown light district'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Fucking hell, I *knew* I'd be mocked for not wearing the matching trousers...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)

are there more photos?
of everyone, not just crow? show me show me show me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:00, Reply)

I took about 3 of people
then a bunch of the piano on the wall and the ducks in the canal
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

here's a nice picture from breakfast
Up2.it/ali/Bash/breakfast.JPG

but let's take a closer look at what Lamps is wearing
Up2.it/ali/Bash/lampsloves.JPG
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:21, Reply)

I recognise Lampito
And I assume it's Kitty with her back to us, but I have no idea who the other 2 are...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:23, Reply)

other pictures here
up2.it/ali/Bash/thumbnails

not my best photographic work
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Sadly none from me
My phone died early on in the night as I'd forgotten to charge it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

someone took pictures on my camera
someone with a distinctive tattoo on his arm
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

*insert Jew joke*

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)

Hahahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Was wondering when you'd did them
Serves you right for leaving your camera unattended.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

:(
Hey humans! Try bypassing your imagination and numbing your mind to the possibility of a more interesting life and thus accepting the grey awfulness of your existence
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:31, Reply)

I have to go to an 19th birthday tonight,
That's shitter.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:31, Reply)

Free bar?

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Nope, weatherspoons and then revs
I'll leave after a drink I think.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Wetherspoons is close to being a free-bar.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:38, Reply)

not close enough for my liking.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:41, Reply)

You should check out Barry From Eastender's seminar
He'll show you how every bar can be a free bar, and for only £99 for a half day course, it's a steal!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:42, Reply)

I'll get me coat.


(and everyone else's)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:45, Reply)

I don't know, after a few pints of stella I feel like beating someone up for no reason whatsoever

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:42, Reply)

How about
people seem to care what Justin Bieber thinks

Also quote of the day "I'm not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." Bieber for President right there
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Oh dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:39, Reply)

"I really don't believe in abortion" he said. "It's like killing a baby?"
He's a bright boy.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:40, Reply)

I like the idea when applied to comics, graphic novels etc
but not for proper books.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Isn't it time you updated your sig?
Orient 1 Arsenal 1
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:34, Reply)

no I'm keeping the good one.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Presumably next month you'll update it with the aggregate score
Arsenal 2(2) Barcelona 1(7)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

There's still a chance we can go through!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Certainly there is
as long as you don't bottle it and park the bus. Cos that won't work. You'll have to get into them and take the game to the best team in the world on their home turf. If you go through, I will applaud more loudly than anyone outside North London (and Bristol)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)

Why Don't You
Just Switch Off Your Television Set
and Go Out
and Do Something Less Boring Instead?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Stop writing like a spastic.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Bonjour Monsieur le Kettle.
Je m'appelle Monsieur le Pot. Tu est noir.

(I haven't done French since about 1986)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:44, Reply)

POTD

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:44, Reply)

'vous' surely
if they are just introducing themselves?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Tu es or vous etes
I can't believe I can still remember that...
(berk, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:48, Reply)

don't forget the little hat accent

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Aha madame, le petit chapeau?
*reeks of garlic and cowardice*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:50, Reply)

I know the shortcut for e acute, thus: é
but I'm buggered if I can remember how to do the circumflex.
(berk, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Errors or not
I am fairly astounded that I was able to drag any French at all out of my dusty back-brain.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:49, Reply)

yeah fine and what not Monts but he's done it on purpose,
I'm just a cunt.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:47, Reply)

last guy I was talking with told me reading is dumb
says him who has ganstah speek and can't spell properly
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:35, Reply)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:37, Reply)

pretty sad I know what the thing on the left is, but not the right

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:41, Reply)

Welcome to my world.
A world in which the Industrial Revelution is unwanted, new-fangled nonsense.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:48, Reply)

I don't even own an mp3 player.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Neither do I.
Nor do I own a CD player.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:51, Reply)

My record player is still going strong.

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:56, Reply)

I have a clay pot
I drag a thin goat's hair along to listen to the scratchy ghost noises of the potter singing to his work
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)

LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Lol

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

I just had my turntables serviced.
They are good as new. Now my mixer has broken. Bah.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:59, Reply)

i am not quite sure
if this is prison slang or not
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

Last time I got mine serviced
he made a right pigs breakfast of it
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

do you hate cats?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

No
www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Cats/Hunter.htm
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

i still say bert
i reserve the right to be proven wrong.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Fair enough

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)

Hipster Monty?
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:03, Reply)

I've read that twice
and still can make no sense of it. Sorry.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

tell us about your fixie

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:19, Reply)

You know that 'dickhead' song?
Literally ALL of the pictures are taken in my neighbourhood. The cunts are EVERYWHERE.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:25, Reply)

neighbourhood living room
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:26, Reply)

I've read that twice
and still can make no sense of it. Sorry.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:30, Reply)

You should try Facebook.
It's just like real life but for all the self indulgent, Johnny-No-Mate types to spout on about the trivial details of their uninspiring lives.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:36, Reply)

I should tweet that

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Looks like Gaddafi's left Tripoli

(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:53, Reply)

I have to apologise to you.
I scoffed when you were telling me why the Tunisian stuff was major. I am happy to concede that I was entirely wrong and shall in future try to listen to your advice more.

I am gutted, mind you, that these Middle East updates aren’t coming from Al, as it means I cannot crack an ‘Al-Jazeera’ gag.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)

To tell you the truth, I was guessing then.
Nice to be proved right once in my life though.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)

to be fair, i don't remember you ever disputing that it would be major
you said that you didn't give a fuck and the countries were all the same.

has this viewpoint changed substantially?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:15, Reply)

Actually no.
*burns flag*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:26, Reply)

well then
never explain, never apologise!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:35, Reply)

If you like
I can repeat everything Rapey says and then you can make those jokes
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

Yes please.
Thank you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:26, Reply)

HEY MONTY!
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT GADDAFFI HAS APPARENTLY LEFT TRIPOLI!?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Tripoli bollock.

No, I'm not sure why either...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:00, Reply)

Everything is shit
Except for the increasingly small pool of things I like. Plus Sherlock Holmes is fantastic without any additions
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:56, Reply)

There is a new film out at some point maybe late this year

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)

EXCELLENT NEWZ!!!
The BBC series was superb, though. I was actually excited about the next episodes before they were aired. I’ve not felt like that about a programme since ‘Monkey!’, in about 1981.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

You'd hate the film
It has modern actors and that thing they do with computers to make things that aren't really there
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

I saw the first one.
It was 'meh'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Oh films you may (but probably won't but it's in German so you might) like
I'm watching Das Experiment tonight, possibly followed by Die Welle
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

I might like those.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:15, Reply)

Das Experiment
is rather good
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Awesome, I have the American remake as well which will probably be shit

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:20, Reply)

If that's the one with Forest Whitaker and Adrian Brody in it
then it got a very poor review in the "straight to video shit films" section of Empire last month.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Yup
a sequel to the Robert Downey Jr one, with Stephen Fry playing Mycroft I believe.
(berk, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

I am looking forward to that
I've rediscovered going to the cinema recently so I shall probably see it on the big screen.

Did you watch your Supernatural? I'm seeing it tonight
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

No I'm saving it

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

don't set me off
kindles should be burned. burn them all and all their kind.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)

So, the iPads as well?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:00, Reply)

no
just the app that lets you not have the tangible pleasure of a real book.

ipads are pretty. as soon as there isn't a queue at the westfield apple store, one of those bad boys is coming home with me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

Ipads are pretty...pointless.
Can someone explain to me how they are anything other than a touch-screen laptop without a (vital and common sense) screen cover?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Also lacking USB sockets, aren't they?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Because they're APPLE
APPLE Monty, APPLE do you APPLE know how APPLE important it APPLE is to APPLE be seen APPLE with an APPLE Apple product?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Ah, I seeeee......

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

not me
i just think they look cool. i know for a fact i would use it about once a year.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

How many Argos bedding sets could you buy for the cost of an iPad?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Human or dog?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

i wouldn't waste my time calculating it
i'd just buy both. i know you love your questions, but don't ask stupid ones.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

I made a touchpad last year to prove that ipads are shit
Mine had 3 USB ports, VGA out, DVD Writer, Ran whatever operating system you felt like. I have a video of it but I doubt you'd care enough to watch it.
In answer to your question they aren't like a touch screen laptop because they are so shit that they are incapable of doing 99.9% of the things a laptop can do.
( Peej, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)

Hahaa I am pleased to read this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)

burned
In a kiln? You could call them Kilndles then.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:00, Reply)

it's like you don't even try any more

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

A work colleague has a kindle
and I don't totally hate it as they have tried very hard to make it at least look like a book, its slightly off white and matt finished. Its not far off the appearance of an actual book. The iPad however can fuck right off.
( Peej, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

I'm in a fucking shit mood
There you go, that's more boring than your post!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:00, Reply)

You? feeling emo? NO SURELY NOT

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Am I sad, moping, etc at the minute?
No?

Then FUCK YOU.

I'm just in a seriously bad mood, so I'm going to have something nice for tea tonight.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:03, Reply)

it might cheer you up
if she says yes.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Saying Fuck you in BOLD
makes me think EMO
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Your usual munchy box?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Not this time, am thinking something home cooked
Maybe a beef in ale stew, or just a big fat steak. Then again, maybe a curry, I've not had one in about 6 months.

Any suggestions?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:06, Reply)

I feel you proved your point marvellously

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

Thank you, I'm aware it's a thoroughly fucktarded response
And I'm currently thinking it probably wasn't the best idea...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:14, Reply)

He caused an argument and is all :''((

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

I'm not Lab

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

That's why there's only the one extra chin

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)

I found Lab's hero
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Only one chin, but what a fucking beauty.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

like me when i see that despite my 137 unread gaz messages
NONE of them are from you any more.

*slits wrists*

and yes i know it took me 6 weeks to reply to you. i'm a girl. that's allowed.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

I'm on that one man, tramp + chips

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:06, Reply)

stop sharing our innermost secrets quite so publicly
or i'll get out those pics of you trying on my old school uniform
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

It was to be all lol at the school disco night
*disclaimer I have never lowered myself to go to one such night
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)

that only works if you're not
wanking yourself cross-eyed over the yellow hockey socks and grey gym knickers
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)

>: < I've got standards of some kind

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

THIS is the kind of news link that psychochomp should be linking to
although to be fair most people would dismiss it as fiction
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:17, Reply)

jeff's jokes/puns
those are considerably shitter than your post.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Ouch

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

it's ok, nobody agrees with me
i mean, look how many people rushed in to defend you!

ooooh look, a tumbleweed.

and another.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:14, Reply)

and another.

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

The same number of people who find you witty and charming then.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:18, Reply)

i'm a girl
i have a cleavage. why would i need wit and/or charm?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Because in about 3-4 years
your tits will start to sag around your knees, and everyone will realise that actually, your face wasn't all that pretty to start with, it was just that nobody ever paid it enough attention.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:33, Reply)

this is when i shall convert to islam
a burkha covers a multitude of sins
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:36, Reply)

I'm still getting used to this place
being new and all
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

I bought my nephew a book for Christmas once.
The look of disgust I had off him...
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Can't he read?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Yes.
he prefers telly and video games
I fact, he was about 15 before he could use a knife and fork
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Yes he can.
It was that book off Amazon about how to be a paedo.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

Chronicles of Narnia.
Cunt.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Hmmm, I don't know that one.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

It was the eighth one,
that was a limited edition.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I agree, this is nonsense
and can only offer a tale which to me is massively shit, but to the rest of you is probably quite amusing.

On my lunch break I went to purchase some new 6mm flesh tunnels. Unfortunately this meant going to the Emo Supermarket, AKA The Rock Collection, a store which seems determined to check off every cliche as quickly as possible when you walk through the door. Whilst perusing the options I overheard some moronic youths commenting, deliberately just loudly enough for me to be able to hear, that I looked somewhat out of place. Despite the fact that I was sporting several stretched ear piercings, and was looking at 6mm and 8mm jewellery. For ears.

This wound me right up. I've encountered small-minded prejudice because of my piercings before - but never because I was dressed too smartly to shop at somewhere selling accesories of this type. What the fuck is that about? Is there a dress code to shop in certain places now? Do I require ill-fitting jeans, a My Chemical Toilet hoody and appalling eyeliner to gain entry? Do I look that much of a posh cunt?

And on top of that, my local M&S STILL doesn't have stuffed vine leaves!!!1!eleventy!!!

It's political correctness gone mad
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)

I'm not up with the latest kerrazy slang
and it took me most of the post to discover that 'flesh tunnels' were not some kind of gay sex accessory.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

It's not that kerrazy
It's a piece of jewellery designed to create a tunnel in one's flesh. Complicated stuff, eh
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

WHAT THE FUCK!?
You don't wear eyeliner?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Of course I do
but I'm really good at it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)

And sparkly eyeshadow?
I imagine you gleed hard when sex and city released their make up range
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:18, Reply)

Wasn't actually aware of such a range
so no. This proves you are girlier than me. I'll let you sit down to recover from these harsh words.

And no I do not wear sparkly eyeshadow any more
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:25, Reply)

So you were lunchtime bullied by spotty teens in Nirvana hoodies
Christ
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Thank fuck that cunt shot himself in 1994
I think if they'd released anymore of their wankily shit music, the world might end.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:17, Reply)

And got all righteously indignant about it
Check ma bad self
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Stretched ear rings look horrible.
They give me the creeps.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:18, Reply)

ear
horrible sexy
the creeps a hard on
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:19, Reply)

Damn.
You translated.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:19, Reply)

Hey Darth, it's OK
www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/feb/21/confrontation-is-good-for-us

They were only trying to help.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:23, Reply)

I had no idea that the Grauniad was so in touch with the youth of today

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:26, Reply)

You fucked up though
You should have just gone and kicked them in the face whilst shouting "WHAT'S THAT, YOU LITTLE CUNT? TOO FUCKING POSH FOR YOU AM I?!"

Not kept quiet and then bitched on the internet. That way "seething resentment" lies. Apparently.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)

So all the seething resentment round these parts could be excised if we yelled at people IRL?
What the fuck would we talk about, then?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:35, Reply)

I'm not sure
Books?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Fuck that
If the book is good enough, they'll make a film out of it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:39, Reply)

good article,
I quite enjoy confrontation. It's exciting and extremely satisfying.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)

Me too
That's why I'm so fucking horrible to people.

Actually, that's a massive lie. I'm really pissed of with The Housemate at the moment, but there's no way I'll ever tell him. I'll just bitch online instead. Much safer.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:31, Reply)

It would be massively passive-agressive and contrary to the point of the article
If I "accidentally" left the computer on with just that article on when The Housemate came home, wouldn't it?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Depends whether he knows he's done wrong
if not, he'll just think you're reading the Guardian. Leave a word document on the screen saying "YOU FUCKING CUNT" in 72-point Helvetica instead
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:42, Reply)

He reads the Guardian too
I might just start a conversation tonight about it.

"So, seen that article on why confrontation is good? What did you think? I mean, if there was something that was UTTERLY DRIVING ME INSANE, I don't think I'd do anything more than mention it in passing a couple of times and hope the person got the hint. Apropos of nothing, are you any closer to sorting out that laptop with Richie?"
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:50, Reply)

We appear to be having two conversations about the same thing
to whit, the above is genius and gets my vote, not least for the use of "apropos of nothing"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

We are
I just want my computer in my room, because that would solve all the other problems we have too - like the fact that he always fucks about with the lighting as soon as he walks in the door without asking me (it fucks with my eyes, which is why it bothers me), and he ALWAYS opens the curtains (computer is right next to the window and we don't have double glazing), refuses to believe that makes it colder, then TURNS THE FUCKING HEATING ON. Oh, and the heating is *always* on when he's home, but he has a go at me for forgetting to turn the water heater off for like, 2 hours after I've done the washing up.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

I would suggest having a Proper Grown-Up Talk
but it sounds like he's a bit too useless to listen or understand. Might be time to cut your losses
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

But if we have a Proper Grown Up Talk
He can (quite rightly) bring up my shortcomings in the housemate department, which would make me think "OK yeah, he has a point" and back down again.

Just want my stupid computer.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

If it bothers you this much you really need to take drastic action
or make it fucking apparent that you will if he doesn't shape the fuck up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Do tell

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Just... everything
But mainly the fact that he has this girlfriend who is absolutely insufferable. That wouldn't be a problem in itself but for the fact that my computer is downstairs so he can share it. This was supposed to be a short-term measure until he collected a laptop someone is giving him. It has been 5 months - the person lives round the corner. Also, he still hasn't sorted out his room properly, so when she comes over (about 3/4 times a week - they don't go to hers because she has kids), they chill out down here. So I have to go to my room, and be without my computer.

He either needs to sort out his room or sort out this lap top, but he is fucking useless and won't do either. When I'm on a break on a split shift, all I want to do is bugger about on line and listen to music, and catch up on some reading, but I seem to spend all my breaks sat in my room sulking because either he's hijacked the computer, or she's over.

There are other things too, but I wouldn't mind them IF MY COMPUTER WAS IN MY ROOM.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

There's a simple answer to that
and if he objects, play the "it's important for me to be able to do research/look for a job undisturbed" card. Not much arguing with that, especially since he has a solution waiting for him to become less of a lazy twat
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

I've tried that
Two weeks ago he was all "Oh, just give me a couple more days to sort out this laptop, then move the computer". STILL NOTHING.

The thing is, he knows it's awkward when the dreaded Pippa comes over, and I've tried to prove my point by standing my ground and not leaving the room while she's here, but it backfires because I feel awkward too.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 15:00, Reply)

I like this comment.....
Well, for a confrontation first we'd have to make an appointment and then draw up a risk assessment with referrals to occupational health to minimise the potential stress and depression following this irregular procedure....
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:36, Reply)

This is exactly why it's not in the British nature to be confrontational
The paperwork
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Stuffed vine leaves?
That's even gayer than the piercings and the dancing!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:25, Reply)

coughTHIScough
But I would substitute "liking Glee" in place of "piercings".
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:27, Reply)

Stuffed vine leaves are awesome
and there is nothing gay about Ballroom dancing. I will concede Bella's point about Glee though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:33, Reply)

Nothing whatsoever.
Apart from...
a) the music
b) the costumes
c) the dancing
d) you like it
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:35, Reply)

I'm sorry Monty, I forgot about your wealth of expertise in the area
Unless you're failing to differentiate between ballroom and Latin American, not a difficult distinction to make in itself, you are categorically talking bollocks
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:38, Reply)

I just did a Google image search for 'ballroom dancing' and got this:


You're right. How I could have thought it was really fucking bent is beyond me. I feel such a fool.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Can't see that
*applauds*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

I was telling a work colleague today
that once my kids have the decency to grown up and move out that one of their rooms is becoming my library. I have hundreds of books in storage because my wife likes uncluttered rooms and got rid of all my book shelves. This idea can fuck off. My daughter has books with sound effects as she reads but she is allowed as she is 3.
( Peej, Mon 21 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)