Fate had it in for me yesterday...
I had a dodgy stomach from eating a questionable baked potato and was throwing up a bit, then I put my back out trying to lift a box out to get a blanket. Then I got a shock from a dodgy mains plug which knocked me on my arse.

It was at that point I decided I should stay away from threshing machinery and not attempt to, say, sharpen up my cooking knives or handle my snakes...

Still, today I'm in relatively little pain and back at work, huzzah!

Has the universe ever attempted to kill you off with a series of amusingly unlikely incidents?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:45, 57 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

"...handle my snakes..."
I'm going to assume that' a euphemism

I'm clumsy and have poor judgement, it's a wonder I'm still alive
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:47, Reply)

No, no. Actual snakes. Although if I'd gone for a one-hand shandy I'd probably have broken my knob or something. Still, that'd have been apt for the last day of Wanking Disasters Pt II...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:49, Reply)

what doesn't kill you
makes a good anecdote

this is my motto
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:50, Reply)

What doesn't kill you makes your stronger
Try telling that to my grandad who had a stroke and now has to shit in a bag.

EDIT: like me...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:51, Reply)

that saying is clearly bollocks
but I'm sure shitting in a bag makes some good grim stories to tell people
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Or anyone with Muscular Dystrophy

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Or quad-limb amputees

(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

About two years ago
I accidentally skiied over the edge of a gully in a whiteout and came within 10ft of almost certain death in the form of an icy and rocky stream.

There have been dozens of power kiting near misses, but no particularly funny ones.

Edit: Actually, that's not true. Sometime the summer before last I was doing some tandem buggying - I was in the front kite buggy with another one strapped behind it. I flipped the front buggy during a particularly ill-advised manouever and got dragged for about 50m on my front, shredding my arm in the process. The funny bit was when someone came to get me out - because I was strapped in, they had to lift me and the buggy off the ground so I could pull the release line. Unfortunately, I had shifted while being dragged so that one of my testicles was trapped under the seatbelt. This fact was brought home with some force when the buggy was lifted up...
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:53, Reply)

I once skidded to halt above a 30ft frozen waterfall in a gully
had to bloody walk back up the mountain!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Yeah
I did my knee in when I crashed at the bottom. I didn't have to go up the mountain, fortunately (I'm really not sure I could have) but I had a long slog through deep snow to the lift and back over two other hills with only one fully working leg.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Some cunt on his fixy bike nearly ran me down when I was crossing the road yesterday.
I'm sure you'll all be shocked to hear he was jumping a red light. The Tesco Value Version hipsters in Newcastle are really starting to do my head in.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

What's a fixy bike, Barry?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:55, Reply)

No gears or brakes
For hipsters
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Aye.
I used to laugh at the shit north eastern hipsters, in their rubbish Topman shirts and bobble hats that are too small for their heads, but they keep popping up everywhere now. And in greater numbers.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:01, Reply)

It's a bit more than that
the pedals are linked directly to the wheel so you can't free wheel and to brake you just stop pedaling.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

My typing capacity is severly reduced today
It was all I could muster
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:03, Reply)

I believe this sums up the scenario

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:04, Reply)

How does a redex explain anything?
EDIT: dammit!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:05, Reply)

curse my shitlinking.
It is now fixed.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Poor Monty

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

He will live on.
Alwayz in r harts.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Cyclists
Bastards, the lot of them.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:01, Reply)

Hey!
Some of us actually stop at the lights.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

I use my bike quite a bit
but don't consider myself a cyclist. It's the militant light jumping, "get out the fucking way you cunt", hacking along at 25mph silently, walkman wearing mother fuckers that slightly irritate me.

One felt aggrieved with me at a mini-roundabout a few months back and actually spat through my car window at the next light!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:05, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/tramps/post472049
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Piss weasels!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:07, Reply)

Class.
I'll see that and raise you www.b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/post620308
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

I remember that, it pleased me greatly!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

except for the ones that are cunts.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:05, Reply)

someone convince me to leave the house, please
I need to have my blood sucked out and my laundry done. Stupid vampire laundrette.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Go on, shoo!

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:08, Reply)

LEAVE THE HOUSE YOU FUCKING SHUT IN

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:08, Reply)

but there is rain outside
and people and WOLVES!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:08, Reply)

There are also giraffes, muffins and kittens

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:09, Reply)

giraffes! awesome!
perhaps I will go out. You'd think Id be able to see them from up here in the clouds
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Good point.
Stay here. The internet is warm and safe.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Not really
It's full of peadophiles, the Daily Mail told me
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

The size of Wales.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Easily avoided
By not clicking any links that end in '.va'
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

They have more genes in common with crabs than other humans.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:13, Reply)

and they can fly
and smell of hammers
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:13, Reply)

This one is disguised as a school!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

FINE DIE ALONE IN YOUR OWN FILTH SEE IF I CARE

(PsychoChomp, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

OK

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

YOU ARE EATEN BY A GRUE.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

OMG OMG
i loved zork when i was little. never got more than about halfway though.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

>GO EAST

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

There are wolves near a big Tesco in Cambridge

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:17, Reply)

those are just hairy students

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

I dunno...
It's cold outside and there are wolves...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:11, Reply)

what is it with the wolves?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

they are fucking everywhere
more so than them bears lab's suspect of infiltrating humankind
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

Hmm you people aren't as amusing as you used to be
so instead I am readingthis, which is quite amusing indeed and has another six parts I believe. Huzzah
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

tl:dr

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

You're the kind of person that would fare badly if the internet disappeared

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Are you currently inching along a barroom floor?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 13:28, Reply)

I can't laid with the internet so what chance have I got without it.

( girlinthehole, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 12:36, Reply)