‘Odd’s bodkins’ muttered Claypole to himself as he slipped panther-like from his jester’s outfit.
He had the horn and he had it bad. He knew that if his ‘mini Claypole’ wasn’t gratified – and fast – his taut, RADA-trained scrotum was going to overheat like a Fukushima fuel rod. Only these love-conkers were far from spent. Despite his earlier haunting of those Perkins cunts next door (after which his ‘ectoplasm’ left them with faces like plasterer’s radios), Timothy was straining like a kind of camp, bearded racehorse…and with a glossy, oiled cock to match.

He was going to take that Ethel Meaker right up the ‘Starlight Express’, he thought to himself as he roller-skated into her bedroom. He didn’t care if he still had some AIDS on his helmet from last night when Nadia Popov had more than lived up to her name – the time was now, and his sense of urgency was palpable. He glided noiselessly across the bedroom floor, leaned over the sleeping Meaker, whispered ‘gadzooks’ in her ear and patted her on the fanny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:50, 116 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I appear to have clicked on the "other" website again

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:51, Reply)

what happened to Rentaghost eh?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:53, Reply)

Needs more Awooga

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:57, Reply)

I think the internet would break
if Akabusi and Rentaghost collide
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:59, Reply)

They just did, surely

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:04, Reply)

It was a minor scrape, not a full collision

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:06, Reply)

I don't really know what rentaghost is...
There seems to be a lot of bad 80's telly being banded around the place this week
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Just looked at Wikipedia, it looks "fucking shit"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:09, Reply)

You're shit.

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Morning Blousie!
*Waves*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Hello hon!
I've just been horrible to someone and it felt goooooood.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I have a hard time imagining you being horrible Blousie.
What'd you do?
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:13, Reply)

She said I was fat and ugly!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:14, Reply)

what a rude thing to say.
You're not *that* ugly.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:15, Reply)

how are you?
not injured I hope
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I'm okay. Bit sore and shaken still, but I'll be fine, I'm sure.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

glad to hear it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Good to hear it
Any news from the Police yet?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

nope, not heard from them.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

They have sent a message in a bottle

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

hahahahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:31, Reply)

I actually apologise for this one

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:34, Reply)

you shouldn't
it was good
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I was hoping my legs wouldn't break

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:46, Reply)

truth hurts

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Funny
'Truth' is what I call my penis.
Just kidding, it's 'Justice'.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:17, Reply)

mine is called "Hammer of the Gods"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Conan the destroyer

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Excalibur

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Lord Geromy the third of Winkydale

( Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Mjolnir-lolz

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

it gives new meaning to the lyrics of Immigrant Song

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I just looked at the lyrics for Immigrant Song
and it is more amusing than I thought (i.e. it is slightly amusing)

"The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

'Justice' 'Wee willie winkie'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

'Wee willie winkie' It's down here somewhere
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Yours is called 'mirage'

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:22, Reply)

"Dusty"

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Please remove film before first use

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:39, Reply)

film cellophane barrier
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Tell us the story!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Pay attention.
I said NakedApe was shit.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:26, Reply)

:(

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:29, Reply)

I'm enjoying this bad Blousie side.
*kicks a puppy*
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:32, Reply)

I quite like evil Blousie as well
*kicks the puppy back to Blousie*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:36, Reply)

*ducks your aunt*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:48, Reply)

:(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Just summat the olds bang on about and only dimly remember through the fog of their ever deteriorating memories

( Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:15, Reply)

*crosses off /talkers I like list*

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Yeah yeah grandma
*flicks v's, goes off to play jumping jacks*

Kids still like jumping jacks right?
( Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:37, Reply)

If by 'jacks'
You mean 'old women who happen to amble through the underpass in your hood on pension day', then yes.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I wouldn't know, I don't hang out in povvo areas
We don't let those awful 'hoodies' out of their dens
( Theoban What of it, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:46, Reply)

my grandma had one of those rainhoods
she didn't just wear it on pension day, though
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Needs more cool breeze on his cock
If I'm recalling my Akabusi correctly.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Somethings about zephyrs blowing across Busi's onyx buttocks.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:06, Reply)

*Sneezes/Fucks off*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Take your lurgie elsewhere sick boy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I was doing a Nadia Popov impression.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Don't know who that is as i'm not ancient

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Aren't you older than me?
I remember Rentaghost
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I don't
And we're the same age.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:26, Reply)

what a bastard

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:28, Reply)

not ancient a cunt
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

*doink*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Lots of people are dressed up for Red Nose day
lolwaky ker-razy kids! i hate them all
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I sponsored fat arsehole Chris Moyles a pound to carry on his longest ever radio show
in the hope that he will somehow die from sleep deprivation
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:15, Reply)

One can hope and pray

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:18, Reply)

More like cake deprivation
fat cunt
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Not enough people saw this, but I GONE AND DONE SCIENCE..... how many shares do a select load of porno sites get on facebook.... who the hell shares grot on FB?
www.coll3ctive.co.uk/general/paulypops/share-the-love-tmi-facebook-nsfw/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Just had a click round on coll3tive
Well done everyone who has posted!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Awesome
We have just had a delivery of chocolate cakes to our office from one of the sales girls!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:47, Reply)

#BiAWESOME

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:55, Reply)

=D

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:54, Reply)

All this is very interesting but I heard something on the radio this morning about the french.
What with the passing of the UN resolution against Libya, the french have said they will be ready to strike within hours.

Typical french response I thought.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Ha
*chokes on porridge*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:33, Reply)

hahahaha
Click.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Hahahaha
I mean, err - that's racist.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:45, Reply)

RACISTIST!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:45, Reply)

i likes this, i does

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Fuck yeah!
Just had my appraisal form back with comments from my team leader. He couldn't have been more complimentary. Of course it won't mean much so far as pay rises or promotions, but it's a nice ego boost.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:45, Reply)

that's because you rock

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Too right I do!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Congratulations!
People recognise your ability to look at horrific porn.

*sunglasses/YEAAAAAH*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Just read it again
I think I like this line the best: "His work is never called into question and this speaks volumes for his professionalism and talent."
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Just means you haven't wanked in the office this month
right?

Edit: I shouldn't be taking away from your achievements. Actual congratulations right here. Sorry.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Cheers dude!
And no, not this month.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:57, Reply)

That's what the supermarket's for, right?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Or church

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Your volumes must go all the way up to eleven.
Awesome.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Always

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Good work, young man.
Shame it doesn't mean more money, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Maybe, maybe not
Payrises, or the lack thereof, have yet to be announced.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Expect some bollocks about the recession, a packet of crisps and a pat on the back.
That's what I got - minus the crisps and pat on back.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:59, Reply)

This^
Pay rise? I have heard of such a thing.

I particularly enjoyed our staff meeting where after telling us they were not giving us any payrises, they waxed lyrical about the extra million quid we now had in the bank
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Our company's done rather well
And the MD's recently bought a car that costs at minimum 150k. If we don't get at least in line with inflation, then I'll leave.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:12, Reply)

before you leave
enact scenes from your comic
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Maybe the ones that won't make me wanted for murder
Maybe.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I suppose internet noncing is somewhat recession-proof.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Hmm.
A couple of years ago when the goobmint was trying to save money, our chief exec stood at the front of the boardroom and said "We are trying to negotiate the cost of living pay rise, and I will not take my bonus until it is settled".

Two months later, we never got our cost of living rise. Our chief exec gladly pocketed his bonus of £30k.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:16, Reply)

good work
*proffers celebratory high five*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Cheers
*Highfives hard*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

You smug cunt.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Whoops, replied to the wrong subthread there.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Nice work dude.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Thanks dude

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:13, Reply)

DUDE!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:13, Reply)

DUUUUUUDE!!!
Like, totally, man.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I saw this thing once, yeah', it was Louix Tharoux in a nonce prison city thing.
They had this thing where tied a band around the person's penis and then showed him provocative (for lack of a better word) photos of young children and then messured any growth in their penis. This would then tell them if they're phsyiclly attracted to photos of children.

I was thinking, maybe, you could do the same thing, tie the machine around your willy, so you can class how sexy the photos are and then take them to court based on that?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:21, Reply)

'Cho man', muttered Karl Howman to himself
as he brushed the last bile-soaked carrot chunks off his father's size 10 brown M&S slippers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:54, Reply)

where did the slipper vomit thing come from?
I missed that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:55, Reply)

vimeo.com/6562600
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:56, Reply)

I see

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

haha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Oh for fuck's sake, when did SpankyHanky come back?

( Kroney, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:15, Reply)

About 3 weeks ago, dude.
Weren't you paying attention?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:17, Reply)

To SpankyHanky?
Never have, never will.
( Kroney, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:18, Reply)