Alright Bellends.
I've had 2 bottles of wine, several pints and been out for a fucking massive curry.

I feel really bloated.

What have you done this evening?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:23, 202 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

fuck you dog fucker

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:24, Reply)

Popped out to get some bleach
I have to get this room cleaned before tomorrow. Watching QI at the moment.

Was the curry good?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:25, Reply)

Not really.
The chicken was a bit overcooked and dry. But I ate it all the same, cos I'm like that.

How filthy is your room if you need bleach?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:26, Reply)

Pity, good evening though?
It's not filthy, but the sink could do with a scrubdown.

I'm amused at how weirdly class shows up on QI
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:28, Reply)

I have tickets to a taping of QI!
Should be good. I have 4 tickets, got to see who's available on the day and then pick and choose mwuahahaha.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:45, Reply)

Jealous!
Have a good time :)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:50, Reply)

bloody nothing

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:25, Reply)

*there there*
What did you have for dinner?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:27, Reply)

pasta and tuna
got a film on - "dirty rotten scoundrels" it's on iplayer. Do you know if it's any good?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:30, Reply)

I've heard of it, but never seen it.
I've got music on.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:36, Reply)

It's alright as far as I remember.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:41, Reply)

I have discovered just how insecure TC is
I think a major crisis has been averted but I could yet still massively fuck this up. *sigh*
If my emergency booze didn't consist of a can of stout, a small bottle of pink cava and a bottle of peach cider then I would definitely get hammered this evening.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:32, Reply)

It's still early enough to pop out and stock up
have you managed to have a chat with him then?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:33, Reply)

Yeah, he's on fb chat
and I'm in my pyjamas, I really can't face getting dressed and going out.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:37, Reply)

Well I'm glad things are calmer
do you think you can put up with lots of drama though?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:40, Reply)

Well, this basically boils down to a massive misunderstanding
and it's because we don't really know each other that well. I think I've persuaded him that this is the case, and that we should get to know each other better before we have proper arguments...
But yeah, if it's still this OMGDRAMA a couple of months in, he can forget it, cos I really can't be arsed with it.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:43, Reply)

:(

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:43, Reply)

Yeah :(
I'm too laid back to have this kind of shit going on, I just want it all to be fine.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:49, Reply)

*Pats berk on the head*

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:51, Reply)

fanny
And said awooga
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:54, Reply)

Do you know, I still grin inanely whenever I think of the Akabussi porn fic.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:56, Reply)

Trouble in paradise?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:35, Reply)

break out the
*there there*'s, mr sympathetic
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:37, Reply)

Yeah :(

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:38, Reply)

Hope it goes ok, love.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:39, Reply)

I thought things were going well.
What changed?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:42, Reply)

see kristines thread

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:45, Reply)

Foot in mouth syndrome
he seems to be convinced that I'm complaining and think he's rubbish in the sack. This is total bollocks, but he's being surprisingly hard to persuade otherwise.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:46, Reply)

but you did think he has a small willy?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:48, Reply)

I didn't say that though!

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:50, Reply)

probably just as well
If he got a grump on over something trivial
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:52, Reply)

If I was that tetchy
everyone would think I had my rag on. He's just being massively insecure, it'll either calm down and be fine or it'll get silly and I'll have to bin him off, much as it would pain me to do so.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:55, Reply)

I hope he doesn't know you're called berk
because this page might be quite easy to find.

You know, this page and the threads earlier where we were talking about his willy
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:11, Reply)

I doubt highly he knows about this place
although I do occasionally worry about just how easy it would be to work out who I am by the things I say!
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:14, Reply)

Toe sucking is your thing eh?
*Fergie lols*

(Seriously though, just talk to the fella)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:51, Reply)

Or, invite him round
and bounce on his todger vigorously and see if you can make his nads swing like a Newton's cradle.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:54, Reply)

Pffft!
I have just spat rhubarb crumble all over myself, you total bastard.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:56, Reply)

I aim to please, berk.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:57, Reply)

This tune came straight into my head reading your post.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zedq1VhaS90
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:59, Reply)

I have got custard as well, of course
I know the theme but don't remember the cartoon.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:05, Reply)

I got the complete set on DVD for my neice.
She thinks it's shit.

What the fuck does she know, eh?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:08, Reply)

I hope she's not epileptic
it may set her off.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:10, Reply)

Get her Trap Door
that was ace.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:12, Reply)

Trap door was ace.
Consider yourself validated.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:22, Reply)

me and tightly would be happy to give a demonstration
Of how that works
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:57, Reply)

This is actually somewhat disturbing...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:59, Reply)

Found my perfect house, had dinner, had a walk, bumped into some friends, and will be out again soon.
But my laptop has no charge and the charger is broken. And no luck with essay due to excitement over house.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:38, Reply)

Sounds good, is it available now
or is it for next academic year?
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:39, Reply)

My lease is up july, it's available may.
I want to move fir august but have suggested taking it in July. We will see.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:40, Reply)

if its good
Take it when you can
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:42, Reply)

Can't afford rent on 2 places, though.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:46, Reply)

^ this

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:46, Reply)

have a good evening out :)
where's your perfect house
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:39, Reply)

hopefully not south london
But I don't hold out much hope
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:42, Reply)

Ooh forgot to actually reply to amberl.
Sorry, it is south London. It's the road I always look at and say "that's perfect". Close to supermarkets, buses, takeaways and walkable to college.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:44, Reply)

nice
Takeaways are very important for students
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:45, Reply)

Very little around here. Though just realised this place is not close to a mcdonalds :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:47, Reply)

Mcdonalds? Brrugh.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:49, Reply)

you need a good kebabshop
I was on first name terms with our kebab shop owner
(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:51, Reply)

I'm on first name terms with all kebab shop owners.
*Alright Mohammed?*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:53, Reply)

Oh ffs I keep liking everyone's posts.
Cheers. Any London plans soon?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:42, Reply)

I'll have to wait and see what my degree is
before I make any concrete plans :(
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:43, Reply)

When will you finish finals? I did say id trash you...

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:45, Reply)

I insist that you do :)
I'm actually rather sad, because I'm taking my exams in college rather than the Exam schools, I won't finish with everyone else, so I'm going to have to let people know times and stuff. It's towards the end of June
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:49, Reply)

Depends when it is and whether you want me there
but I'd come down for that :)

Plus I did say I've got a gown that I can lend you if it's not too big for you.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:51, Reply)

Unfortunately, it's a dressing gown.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:55, Reply)

It's a very pretty dress actually
a floorlength black ballgown that I have never worn.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:04, Reply)

Why have you never worn it?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:09, Reply)

I've never had occasion to
and it was always either too small or too big.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:11, Reply)

So not one of your best purchases then?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:14, Reply)

I'll get round to it one day
I'm not getting rid of it, it's beautiful.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:17, Reply)

So are most stately homes.
But I've never been minded to shell out for membership to the National Trust.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:22, Reply)

Haha it won't be too big
maybe too small but that's another kettle of fish to cry over
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:33, Reply)

Just imagine how upset you'd be if, whilst crying over a kettle of fish, you spilt some milk as well.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:36, Reply)

Jeff, Jeff, it's a wimmin's thing.
Buy something pretty, then leave it hanging in the wardrobe as you can't find an excuse to wear it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:12, Reply)

They are ALL mental DG. Mental. All of them.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:15, Reply)

Oh shush yer face.

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:17, Reply)

Hit him on the cock 'til his knackers swing, berk.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:18, Reply)

*Tears in eyes**
*All 3 of them.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:21, Reply)

I wouldn't be so mean
after all, the mere threat of the tickling finger generally suffices...
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:23, Reply)

Eek!
*Runs and hids behind the sofa*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:26, Reply)

Hehehe.

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:30, Reply)

Just realised the mistake I made.
I shouldn't have told you where I was hiding.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:32, Reply)

You are a prostate doctor
aicmfp.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:28, Reply)

I do know how to find the prostate as it happens
biomedicalsciencedegreelols.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:29, Reply)

*sits down just a bit more firmly*

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:30, Reply)

*keeps back to the wall*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:31, Reply)

Why, is Darth in?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:34, Reply)

The boy stood on the burning deck
his back was to the mast
He would not move a single step
till Oscar Wilde had passed.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:35, Reply)

*snigger*

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:39, Reply)

I'm sure you knew worse in your rugby playing days!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:41, Reply)

The boy stood on the burning bridge
his face was all a-quiver;
he gave a cough and his leg fell off
and floated down the river.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:48, Reply)

Haha, my dad used to sing that when he was pissed.

(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:49, Reply)

There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were made of brass
When he banged them together
They played stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:53, Reply)

You definitely should
though be warned it will be a night of extremely heavy drinking *remembers last years round of trashing*


Edit: oohhhh I'm stupid! I thought you meant an undergrad gown! I'd definitely try on the dress if I can :) that would be lovely
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:56, Reply)

My exams are over before may ends
/smugs

So I'll be there. With a pitcher of gin.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:54, Reply)

this is Good News
most of my exams are May/early June, then I have one outlier at the end of June (bloody Cicero)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:57, Reply)

My Cicero is bloody late too.
What a cunt.

No Al, I have not named my period Cicero.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:02, Reply)

you massive canine quender.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:40, Reply)

Nope, I've got no argument with that.
Although I have got the sweats.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:48, Reply)

sweaty canine quender.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:50, Reply)

Had a meal with my dad them got drunk with my dad
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:43, Reply)

What did you eat?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:46, Reply)

her mum

(Bazongaloid, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:49, Reply)

Sounds like you've had quite the blowout, Jeff.
I myself have had half a not very good pizza and two cans of Hobgoblin. I think I'm off my game, somewhat.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:43, Reply)

Yeah, I feel a bit sick now from excessive food.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:47, Reply)

I just feel utterly knackered tonight.
It's been a long week, I think.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:50, Reply)

Have you had your redundancy confirmed now?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:57, Reply)

I signed the form today.
I leave on the 30th of June :)
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:58, Reply)

Exciting times ahead.
What are you hoping to do when the cash?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:02, Reply)

Invest some,
pay off some debt and live off the rest until I get another job. I hope the finding another job doesn't actually take too long so I can have a bit of spare cash in the bank...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:03, Reply)

What do you fancy doing career wise?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:05, Reply)

Does anybody know any employment agencies
that won't laugh me out of the building when I say I don't know what I want to do, but it has to be something creative?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:08, Reply)

Bob is the person to speak to.
He used to work in recruitment.

When you say 'creative' though, are you into design and print media or more specialist stuff like model making?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:11, Reply)

I don't care really
as long as there's something at the end of it that I can say I helped create. Teaching was fun that way - I enjoyed doing the worksheets and classroom displays. I also like scrapbooking, twatting about on /board, and writing stuff.

Oh, and acting. Not really much there to work with, is there?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:13, Reply)

I have a scrapbook.
mum laughed at me when I got it but now she's just jealous that mine looks ace.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:17, Reply)

I do them for family birthdays
We've had quite a few landmark birthdays over the last few years. Bags o fun.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:24, Reply)

I can see the headlines
*Scot in birthday scrapping showdown*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:25, Reply)

Two more to go :)

( djtrialprice, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:49, Reply)

No getting out of next year's
Gonna be a big party and that.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:50, Reply)

It would be rude to overshadow it with a wedding

( djtrialprice, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:59, Reply)

You know you're not allowed to wait as long as I did, right?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:02, Reply)

Oh he knows.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:06, Reply)

I don't think he fully understands

( djtrialprice, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:08, Reply)

Keep on eye on
www.aardman.com/about-us/jobs/

I knew one person who worked for them straight after they graduated and there were one of the lead model builders for the film 'Chicken Run', which is turn opened up a whole host of job opportunities for her all over the world.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:18, Reply)

I enjoy the line of work I'm in
which is regeneration, so I'd be happy to continue in that vein although I think it may be difficult what with all the funding cuts. Failing that, I'll try pretty much anything. Except going back to work for the Jobcentre...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:09, Reply)

regeneration.
Fucking hell. Just how big a Doctor Who nerd are you?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:10, Reply)

I noes, rite?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:10, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Adk1ujjmguo
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:13, Reply)

oh, is it that time already?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:15, Reply)

You want shit pop?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:18, Reply)

I got shit pop, Jeff.
I got it.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:21, Reply)

When you think about becoming an actor do you find yourself singing this?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS44KtUh22g
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:24, Reply)

When I was a teenager
I shared a dormitory with a girl who had a major Bros fetish. I've had quite enough of them for one lifetime, thank you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:26, Reply)

You can't handle. You can't handle that.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:32, Reply)

:D

( djtrialprice, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:48, Reply)

I've no idea what that emoticon means.
*Prepares to leave the Internet, just in case*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:50, Reply)

It's a big smiley face

( djtrialprice, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:08, Reply)

Woo!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:16, Reply)

COME VISIT.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:14, Reply)

Would love to.
Unfortunately, I don't think a holiday is on the cards this year, what with all the shenanigans going on at the moment...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:20, Reply)

bugger to that.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:34, Reply)

I've had kebab meat and chips and a bottle of beer
and pissed around on the internet.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:44, Reply)

Are you 16 years old?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:47, Reply)

I wrote a story.
It started out with this post on another site:

I have a story I'd like told. Or, more correctly, I don't have the story but would like one.

I was up at the biosecurity offices a couple of weeks ago and in amongst the items confiscated was a pair of taxidermed frogs dressed up like a bride and groom (who was also wearing a poncho and sombero) and posed standing up looking into each others eye sockets. I'd pay 1c per word for the story of how they met and fell in love and ended up in the confiscated goods locker at Auckland's MAF depot.

So I replied with this:

His earliest memories were very dim, of course. He had vague impressions of having a tail and wriggling about, and of food that came easily to his mouth as he swam. The light grew slowly brighter and then dimmer as he swam about eating, and after some time he became aware of new sensations- of areas on him that were suddenly sensitive, of movement where there had been none before, and gradually thrashing his tail began to feel awkward. He became aware of his legs, and soon found that kicking them would propel him through the water even faster than his tail had done.

He also became aware that the food he had taken for granted was beginning to lose its appeal. There were smaller things in the water that had different tastes, and he started to explore the sensations of eating the things that floated on the surface. As he did so he found that he could break through the surface and survive, the unfamiliar air filling his new lungs and bringing him a whole new world to experience.

Then came the wondrous day when he found that he could climb out of the water to where his food flew about, and that his tongue could flick out and snatch tasty things out of the air. He still needed to return to the water to keep his skin from getting too dry, but now he has two separate worlds to live in! How could life get any better?

And yet, it did.

As he swam through the familiar territory he had known for his entire life, a new scent came to him through the water. Or had it been there before and he had never noticed it? Either way, it was wonderful and spoke to the deeper parts of his brain in ways he could not resist. Down through the depths he swam, following the scent… and there she was.

She was a beautiful shade of green, with big golden eyes that he could get lost in. Her legs were long and shapely with delicate flippers, her mouth wide and sensuous, and she was doing something fascinating down there in the weeds. Something flowed from her body, and it was that which had attracted his attention and filled his nostrils and his brain. He swam closer and the sensation was overpowering, triggering a release in part of him that he had never known existed. A cloud trailed in his wake as he swam past the eggs, and at that moment he knew that he would always be near her.

The days got shorter and colder, but still they swam together, sharing the sun as it diminished and catching what food they could. Finally the cold deepened and they found themselves getting sleepy, and curled up near one another in the mud to rest through the long cold of winter.

They woke to coldness, but their hunger drove them from the mud to seek food. They spent the long days eating and gathering strength again as the water grew warmer, and again the time came when she emitted that wondrous scent. Together they swam to their special place, and he felt the warmth of the sensations as she deposited her eggs into the weeds. Lovingly he swam past them, releasing his precious cargo to them, then they went back to the shallows to feed again. They were so happy together that they never noticed the new presence.

Without warning something splashed into the water around them. They both sprang for safety, but something tough tangled them and pulled them backward out of the water! Some terrible monster had caught them in something like tangled weeds and was lifting them through the air! They found themselves plopped into a hard dry container, and he knew that they would never see their home again. He felt her fear and wanted to comfort her, but had no idea how.

*******

Jose had carefully put the two frogs into some ether to give them their final sleep, and then begun the delicate process of dismantling the small bodies. His trained eye told him which one was the female, and he carefully fitted her into a tiny lace dress that his gnarled old fingers had lovingly sown. He arranged her to her best advantage, then put her on the stand with the male who now wore the traditional sombrero and pancho of the local fishing village. It was a lot of work for a few pesos, but it would earn him some dinner at least at the tourist shops.

*******

Bruce was sitting in the bar drinking the local version of a beer when Sheila popped in. “Oi, Bruce! Look at what I found! Adorable, innit?” And she opened a plastic bag to reveal the bride and groom, looking devotedly into each others’ eyes.

“Fucking hell, Sheila! That looks just like yer sister and her bloke! Spittin’ image!”

She twatted the back of his head. “Don’t be a pillock, Bruce! I thought they were cute!”

“Fine, luv, fine. Take ‘em home. Just keep them somewhere that I don’t have to see them all the time, right? They’ll give me the night horrors.”

*******

The customs agent opened their bags. “Back from holiday in Mexico, eh? Anything to declare?... Here now, what’s this?” And he pulled out a bag and peered inside it. “Sorry, but biological materials from overseas are forbidden. I’m afraid I’ll have to take these.”

“What!” Sheila screeched. “But I paid seven dollars for those! What gives you the right to just snatch them away from me?”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but all is fair in love and warts.”
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:58, Reply)

I think you have the wrong forum

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:59, Reply)

What? Did I land in /talk by mistake?

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:03, Reply)

It's a long convoluted bad pun
filling the screen At least apeloverage is only a line long generally.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:04, Reply)

But isn't that part of what makes this place fun? Bad puns?
Or have we gone past storytelling in these parts?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:06, Reply)

It's not a story
or a very good joke or a clever pun. Love and warts makes little to no sense. If it was any one of those three it'd be fine.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:07, Reply)

yeah, I remember the stories
But no-one does them anymore. Sorry neebs.
( djtrialprice, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:17, Reply)

Zing!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:09, Reply)

Sod off

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:01, Reply)

Has all of b3ta come down with a simultaneous case of PMT this week?
First we get fifteen pages of ranting in one day in QOTW, and now I'm told to sod off? Sheesh. Have some chocolate over there.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:11, Reply)

Jog on fucko

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:16, Reply)

I've had a fair chunk of Ale!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:00, Reply)

Good work AA

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:01, Reply)

I've completed the latest release of Angry Birds Rio
and updated a few songs I lost from my iPod when my computer died.
All in all quite a productive evening.

I need some real life friends : (
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:07, Reply)

Haw haw
Nae pals
( djtrialprice, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:18, Reply)

screw you bitch
In other news, nice to see you. You okay?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:19, Reply)

Aye, not bad
Cheers for the by-proxy pestering. Mum has a card posted. And you should have known you'd need mindbleach to come on OT. They're always mentioning my penis here. Well, Al is.
( djtrialprice, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:24, Reply)

Considering how much sex talk I've had to put up with from the olds
I'm fairly desensitised by now.

i hope the same cannot be said for your penis.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:28, Reply)

I'm surprised Al can talk at all
when he's got your deep fried Mars Bar wedged firmly down his gullet.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:29, Reply)

I found that arousing.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:46, Reply)

I think I broke dj with my last comment
hee hee hee
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:48, Reply)

But why are you sneaking up the stairs?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:49, Reply)

Hey, you're getting the family jokes!
There's lots of them.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:52, Reply)

That one makes me chuckle.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:53, Reply)

Me too
I'm actually chuckling now just thinking about it.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:58, Reply)

And on that note
it's time for bed. Night boys and girls.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:03, Reply)

Night sis.
*squash*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:06, Reply)

I have been to see Peter Serafinowicz in conversation and it was boss.
I had great seats in one of the best building in Europe (not the Phil) but Peter had his sexy comedy wife with him, so he had no room to realise he loves me, which is for the best because I realised I don't fancy him any more. I love him even more than I did before, just not sexualleh.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:46, Reply)

Never heard of him.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:47, Reply)

He's a Scouser
They're all funny.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:49, Reply)

This is the funniest Scouser impression I've ever heard.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWofrhrMbpw&feature=player_embedded

I thought he was doing the Swedish chef out of the Muppets at first.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:08, Reply)

My uncle's got a brother who talks like that
but he's 'not well'.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:13, Reply)

I guarantee you know him, but you just didn't know his name.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:50, Reply)

He did the voice for Darth Maul in Phantom Menace, you know.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:51, Reply)

He did a few 'pressions.
His Leonard Rossiter is not as good as mine.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:53, Reply)

You'll have seen him in something
or heard him doing a voiceover for something.
(berk, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:52, Reply)

Innit

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:52, Reply)

Did he ever say 'Milk? Urrugh'

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:54, Reply)

Accrington Stanley!!!!!!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:55, Reply)

Who are they?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:57, Reply)

Iggsachlee!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:59, Reply)

*Is reminded of Harry The Spiders coming out party advert*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:04, Reply)

He rarely sounds scouse
apart from when he was Tex in I'm Alan Partridge.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:55, Reply)

Ah-Ha!
I know who you mean.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 23:57, Reply)

Polished off the remainders of last week's ket whilst watching Alice in Wonderland.
A headfuck and a half, it was. I'm back in the real world now though, unfortunately.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:04, Reply)

Alright Baz.
Had a good week?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:06, Reply)

Absolute rubbish week to be honest.
Nothing went wrong I've just felt beyond depressed the last few weeks. Being ridiculously bored 24/7 doesn't help.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:14, Reply)

Have you sorted out your telly now?
Are Fulham playing this weekend, or in the Prem still on an International break.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:16, Reply)

Keeping the tele.
Although it'll be too expensive to bring down with me for the summer so my mate's going to look after it from June to September. What a fucking inspired purchase that was.
Got Blackpool at home on Sunday at one, glamour tie to end all glamour ties.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:18, Reply)

You should get 3 points though.
It'll be more entertaining than City being home to Doncaster tomorrow.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:20, Reply)

I read that in a Sith Ifrikan accent and pictured you eating a cat

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:07, Reply)

*Puts burning tyre around Rootas neck*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:08, Reply)

WOAH THERE

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:09, Reply)

I'm sorry, but tomorrow is match-day and the Winnie Mandela football team are having a late training session.
*Puts out the flames*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:10, Reply)

Winnieeeee

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:11, Reply)

Had any retro tv on your mind recently?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:15, Reply)

Peter was talking about this dude
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hargreaves

and he was also talking about Look Around You, the best tribute to the 70s and 80s ever.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:16, Reply)

Fred Dinage was the 'How' presenter I remember.
And briefly 'Gaz' Topp.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:18, Reply)