It's Easter Sunday, Jesus was a zombie or something.
I'm not sure on the details but I think he invented chocolate and some carob magnate had him strung up and locked him in a rock, then a rabbit came along and let him out and that's where Cadbury's comes from. How's your weekend been and how much chocolate have you, or those around you, crammed into your tired sweaty faces?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 10:43, 113 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Morning Noel.
I have no chocolate. But neither do I have a hangover.

So on balance, I'm quite happy.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 10:45, Reply)

You've done alright there.
I think you should celebrate with beer and Mingles.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 10:51, Reply)

l
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:02, Reply)

That sounds like an okay way to be.

(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 10:53, Reply)

It's not half bad.
I've now got a bacon sarnie to eat as well.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:03, Reply)

I'd be okay without the bacon sarnie.

(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:04, Reply)

bacon is horrid

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:27, Reply)

LIES ON THE INTERNET

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 13:00, Reply)

Morning b3ta types
I have had no chocolate or sweeties since the beginning of Lent. I didn't think I could do it, but I chuffing well did!

I will mostly be celebrating by buying up some cheap easter eggs next week. I'm thinking... Thorntons.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:08, Reply)

That's my view, I'm a bit skint at the moment so I'll buy a couple of cheapies on Tuesday.
I think I gave up sleep for lent. Hopefully I can start again.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:11, Reply)

I never knew she made eggs.


I suppose that after getting the chop from the X-Factor she needed the money.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:12, Reply)

I know you generally inhabit the bottom of the barrel
but this appears to be chipping away at the rust and dirt on the underside.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:14, Reply)

*steals*

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Hello my drunken chum.
How's your head?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:24, Reply)

dreadful!
think i got in about 3 and went to bed about 5.

even a toasted bagel with cheese and fresh orange has not made me feel ANY BETTER! doom.....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:27, Reply)

:D
Sounds like a good night anyway.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:28, Reply)

oh you bastard!
why do i feel the need to come home and "sober up" by pissing around online? why??

they were lethal though. £150 for massive cocktails and i seem to have bought two, from the card receipts in my pocket. however, i also have a massive fistful of £10notes, so i am guessing my friends contributed. either that or i noshed someone off on the way home......
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Must have been your friends.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:36, Reply)

are you suggesting she noshed off her friends?
no wonder so many b3tan men are fond of her.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:37, Reply)

I'm suggesting there is no way she'd earn a massive fist full of tenners on the game.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:37, Reply)

That's just mean.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:38, Reply)

nah
he's just judging me by his own wurzel standards innit
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:42, Reply)

What are you doing today?
Racing your pigeons or taking the whippet for a walk.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:46, Reply)

tidying my kensington flat
valeting my mercedes car

shopping in the designer village at westfield

meeting my friend for champagne bar, cinema and late dinner on the terrace ACTUALLY.

/fur coat, no knickers
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Westfield is bent.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:53, Reply)

ssssssssh
there's a scarecrow in that field needs a new hat my loverrrrrrrrrr.

if you can manage to put it on his head with your 6-fingered hands, that is.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:56, Reply)

cataloguing her £100 notes

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:51, Reply)

won't take long
:(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:56, Reply)

not all of us
have to pay out for it, jeffrey.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

I approve of this type of monetary figure mentioning
It aids the narrative. I do know just how much my approval means to you.
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:38, Reply)

just because that would buy a house in scotland

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

In a weegie suburb probably
But they're so bad I'd rather live in the grim north west *shudder*
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:43, Reply)

speaking as a lawyer
i take issue with your incorrect useage of the word "living".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Agreed
You don't live in the north west, you endure the north west.
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:49, Reply)

you should just be grateful they let you in
cheshire RAWKS.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Cheshire's hardly 'the north' is it?
You southern poof.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:51, Reply)

now i can take being called most things
but NOT a poxy southerner. i am yorkshire born and bred, thank you very much!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:57, Reply)

where I come from
that *is* southern.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:00, Reply)

Fuck me, £150?!
*faints*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:38, Reply)

towards the end of the month when the cash runs out
I'd definitely fuck you for £150.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

It's usually £200, but I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:42, Reply)

it sounds awful
but actually it feeds about 10 drunken eejits, and £15 a cocktail in a nightclub in central london is pretty average.

but then i get horrified at all the sharing of straws and washback and go off and get my own private vodka stash anyway. i'm stupid when i'm drunk!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:44, Reply)

When drunk eh?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:45, Reply)

i didn't say exclusively when drunk
often it's also when shopping, choosing a boyfriend or parking my car by a steep pavement too.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Parking on a hill is easy
if you're pointing uphill, angle the front wheels to the right. If you're pointing downhill, angle them to the left. That way, if the handbrake gives up, the pavement will stop the car.

I parked at the supermarket the other day by reversing into a bay! This is almost unheard of for me, and I was quite proud.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:49, Reply)

i didn't parallel park for about 12 years after passing my test
then i got my car down to london. if you can't parallel park in a space that wouldn't fit a hamster, you can't park. so i am awesome at it eventually. BUT i do have a horrible habit of scraping the kerb. my poor beautiful alloys are so buggered they make grown men weep!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:52, Reply)

I rock at parallel parking
but I wouldn't like to have to drive in that london.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:57, Reply)

i first did it as a student
so kind of got used to it. basically so long as you know the rules: nobody will let you in, and you will let nobody in, and black cabs do what the fuck they want, and smug bastard cyclists ignore every street sign, traffic light and pedestrian crossing... you'll be fine.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:58, Reply)

That's just mean.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:28, Reply)

"we said meh.
M-E-H. meh."

/lisa simpson
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:34, Reply)

one annoying woman among many that inhabit the TV.
Luckily, most ofd them seem to be on ITV, so I can avoid them en masse.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:17, Reply)

You watch Jezza Kyle though right?
I hope to catch up on the goings on of the proles once I'm unemployed again like you.
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:22, Reply)

oooh you little tinker
I have never watched that chav-baiting tosser, and I am not unemployed. How very dare you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:25, Reply)

I watch it when I'm off work ill
so I can feel good about having a job. And an emotionally stable personality.
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Emotionally stable?
*blinks*

You?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Shut your hole!
I'LL CUT YOU!
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I thought that was all a bit polite for siblings.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:34, Reply)

I'll be staying in the same house as her for a few days this week
Can't remember the last time we did that. It's not going to be pretty.
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Oh yeah, that sounds... fun.
I don't know if my brothers and I would be able to spend more than a day in the same place together without tearing each other apart.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:41, Reply)

I'm an absolute fucking delight to live with
thank you very much.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:43, Reply)

I can see hanging out with a Scouser
has had a good effect on you...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:34, Reply)

i nearly put something very crude/funny here
then remembered he is your brother. and it would just have made your eyes bleed. so i deleted it. and typed this shit instead.

i never know when to stop with a hangover. it's like a tumbling bumbling streak of consciousness...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Yes, because I am such a delicate little flower
and of course I believe that dj and Roota are saving themselves ofr the holy state of matrimony.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:39, Reply)

When in reality she's at him with the strap-on the moment he gets off the train.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

That's Al, surely?
Roota only gets the sloppy seconds.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Sounds like my kind of seconds.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Why are you giving up stuff for lent?
Aren't you agnostic?
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:17, Reply)

much in the same way that the old feller used to give up drinking for months
and yes, I am atheistic.

How's you two?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Ah you're not on the agnostic fence but rather
in the atheistic field. My apologies for the misclassification.
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:24, Reply)

No, I'm agnostic!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:25, Reply)

I'm agnostic and so is my wife.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:29, Reply)

I haven't had any chocolate
the thought of it makes me feel quite, quite ill. Last night was a giggle but I haven't had nearly enough sleep, food or fluids and when I checked my sent texts this morning I immediately wished I hadn't.
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

hello you
have been wondering how you are. has he come crawling back like the dog that he is???
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Sort of.
we agreed to disagree and say see each other to say goodbye on nicer terms, but it's all still a bit strained. Me being an affectionate, overly truthful drunk may have complicated matters. I'm not sure how, but it probably has.
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:51, Reply)

it won't be over
if you've agreed to meet up. breaking up after an argument almost never means "the end".

it's only when people are cold about it and say "i don't want to see you again" that it's over, over.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:53, Reply)

true
he has probably just gone from being angry about perceived criticism to freaked out about my excessive honesty. I haven't heard from him this morning, but since we only stopped talking went to bed at 3am and he doesn't have a nephew to bounce on him at 8am, it's possible he's still asleep. Lucky bastard.
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:59, Reply)

He should have had you to bounce on him at 8am

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:01, Reply)

i think the only thing that you have done wrong
is to date a man who is emotional like woman!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:02, Reply)

oh god, a thousand times this
I'm the one that's meant to be high maintenance and irrational, not him.
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:07, Reply)

flouncing and sulking and pouting
is deeply unsexy. remember this when you feel that you fucked up - he may grow out of it, in which case great. but if he doesn't, sooner or later, you're going to shove your tennis racket up his arse to practice your backhand...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Morning lovelies,
I have a mate who is like that, proper emo and it drives people insane. We deal with him by hitting him and excessive bullying. I reckon that might work for you berk.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I'd like to think a guy who's fit as hell, charismatic and averagely-hung would be a little more comfortable in his skin.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:10, Reply)

a thousand times this as bloody well
I don't get how someone can be so outwardly confident but seem so insecure. Maybe i'm reading him wrong, and he's not insecure at all, but it surely as hell seems that way.
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Everything okay mate?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:41, Reply)

I've fortunately got out of the habit of drunken texting/calling/emailing although I do post here occasionally when I've had a few.
No major disasters?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:42, Reply)

this is exactly me!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:45, Reply)

me too
My 2nd most popular QOTW answer: www.b3ta.com/questions/celebrities/post536527/
( djtrialprice, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:56, Reply)

JMG's response to that is excellent!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:03, Reply)

i do like a bit of jmg

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:05, Reply)

I do too, but don't tell him ffs.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:06, Reply)

i once pretended i fancied him, ONLINE
he had no idea who i was. sad times.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:08, Reply)

time will tell
I can't usually work my phone when i've been drinking, let alone have a text conversation til 3am in which I completely fail in every single way possible to play it cool..
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:52, Reply)

see
if he wasn't still keen, no way would he have been texting that long or at that time. men are callous little bastards. he would just have said "bye berk".

this is why i never ever text or call guys (well, apart from the one ex who can always be relied on for sympathy sex).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:55, Reply)

SweepingStatement(Women are all snakes with tits)
We're not *all* callous little bastards you know?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:58, Reply)

yeah
some are completely whipped.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 24 Apr 2011, 11:59, Reply)

yes
you

are

i could link to a million examples just on here of just you being a callous little bastard!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:02, Reply)

For mine and other's amusement, at targets who give just as good as they get, if not better.
Banter, swipe, rarely malicious.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:05, Reply)

CALLOUS LITTLE BASTARD!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:06, Reply)

JUMPED-UP FORGETFUL CUNT

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:07, Reply)

just because you are accurate
does not negate the callousness, the littleness, or the bastardness.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:08, Reply)

I think it probably enhances it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:08, Reply)

i think it possibly does
shit. agreeing with noel. ONLINE.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:09, Reply)

Wuv woo.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:11, Reply)

feck orf!
with yer soppy shite
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:12, Reply)

I call 'em like I see 'em
if I'm keen, I'll be keen. I'll try not to be obviously, embarrassingly so, but I'll usually fail. Also, I have absolutely no patience with waiting for replies, which is generally very bad when trying to play it cool.
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:02, Reply)

i learned the hard way
at 21, the more horrid my then bf was to me, the more i went out and treated him to stuff or cooked him dinner.

eventually he turned to me one night and said "why do you feel you have to buy people things to make them like you?"

it took years before i could enjoy buying presents for people again after that!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:04, Reply)

ouch, what a cunt!
I don't think I'm quite that bad, but the 'treat em mean, keep em keen' thing does work on me to a degree and I utterly resent it. Why can't everyone be as straightforward as I am??
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:09, Reply)

if there's a cunt
a weirdo or a retarded child-mong within a 20000000 mile radius, i'll pull him. it's like a gift. or a curse.

but unfortunately, much as everyone says they want to be straightforward, dating is all about games and boundaries. the male is a fragile and an elusive beast, and one that is easily startled or scared away...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:12, Reply)

did you ever back from the actuary?
I felt bad for laughing but that little tale really brightened my evening. We sure do know how to pick the brain-wrongs..
(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:21, Reply)

yeah
it gets worse! i couldn't resist poking it a little bit further, and got back such romantic gems as "have a nice night, hope you get raped looking like that" and "i want to pull your hair out and come in your eyes".

you couldn't make this shit up!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Eeeeww!!

(berk, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:30, Reply)

i know.
i blame this place, because i keep thinking he is joking.

but on re-reading them... no, i think he is actually that dark!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Who the... what the... eh?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 24 Apr 2011, 12:48, Reply)