Morning B3ta. I've voted. Have you voted? Good. Now let us not spend all day discussing why those of you who voted No are wrong.
I was faced with a dilemma as regards my local council. The representative of the party I've voted for my whole life is a guy I used to work with, and I therefore know that he's a complete and total bellend. The idea of having him making decisions that could affect my day to day life chills me to the bone. As it happens, I passed him leaving the polling station. I politely wished him good luck, and declined to tell him who I had voted for. That's why you vote in a polling booth. Privacy.

A question? I dunno, describe a vaguely similar situation, in which you were polite instead of shitting on someone's shoes. Or tell me what you're having for breakfast. Or your opinions on the Bin Laden conspiracy theories. Or how many goals Barcelona will beat Man Utd by at the end of the month.

Alt: Donald Trump. Is this man the biggest fucking dickhead in the world, or what?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:25, 101 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bin Laden conspiracy theorists are bellends.
Trump is the second biggest bellend in the world.

Alright?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Done and done
*shakes internet hands*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:41, Reply)

I do not mince my words.
You should take notes on my lack of mincing.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:44, Reply)

The trick is to make the mincing look good
*snaps*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Exactly.
You fail on both counts.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:49, Reply)

Breakfast consists of grapes, various dried fruit, sesame and pumpkin seeds, plain low fat yoghurt and a spoon of honey, and a cup of Gold Blend.
I'm not sure this'll make up for the 100g of crisps I snarfed when I got in yesterday, but it's worth a shot.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Fucking hell that's a healthy breakfast
Don't tell me you're on a diet too
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:43, Reply)

It's not a diet as such, it's a concerted effort to eat less shit.
As you can see it's going wonderfully.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:46, Reply)

Same here
Pub lunch yesterday excepted. I justified that to myself on account of the morning run. Another way to look at it is that I wasted an hour's sweaty effort on two pints.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:48, Reply)

Better to say you ran an hour so you could justify two pints.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:49, Reply)

PMA Noel
I like your style
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:54, Reply)

I'm all about the something something.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Too easy
something something cock
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:58, Reply)

the my
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:00, Reply)

Excellent save

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

That was heading for the top corner
but he tipped it onto the bar.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Unbelievable Jeff!

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:08, Reply)

I had a slice of Irish batch loaf and a bowl of imitation Rice Crispies for breakfast
I will vote later after work.
I don't see how a photo will stop the conspiracy theories. There's bound to be a shadow out of place in it or something.
Man Utd will not lose, so I don't understand that question.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:47, Reply)

What's with the username then Ketchips?
If indeed that is your real name.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:53, Reply)

Couldn't think of anything better
and I used to like them back in the day (late eighties I think). It'd be better if my name was Dave Ketchips. Yeah, lets go with that one.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:56, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/users/update.php
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:58, Reply)

I know you can do that
but I might be leaving a little bit of my soul behind every time I do it, or something. If you can give me a good enough alternative then I'll risk it and change it in a bit.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Who am I to dictate your username?
Ask someone else. Darth's full of wonderful advice.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:02, Reply)

This is true, I am
My advice on this point is to be your own person and choose your own path.

*floats away on mystical cloud of innate self-worth*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)

innate self-worth santorum
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:06, Reply)

When you say they won't lose, I can only assume you mean that "lose" isn't a strong enough term
Is "dismember" more appropriate?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:53, Reply)

ManUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 May 2011, 8:59, Reply)

I had a bowl of Tesco pomegranate and raspberry wheats and a cup of tea
both using "hemp milk" which I decided to try on the spur of the moment last time I went shopping. Verdict: Not shit, but not great either.

I constantly have to be polite to my idiot co-workers instead of slapping some sense into them.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

How do you milk a hemp?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:02, Reply)

I imagine you just liquidise it
and then colour it until it looks a bit like milk.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:07, Reply)

Ahhh.
Apparently you grind the seeds and add water and it makes a nutty milk. It is marketed in health and fitness publications as a "new health food darling". And it has no THC. Sounds pretty bent to me.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Yeah, no THC is a bit disappointing
It's full of Omega-3 apparently, only real problem is it doesn't colour the tea like real milk.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:13, Reply)

I thought only fish Omega-3 was good for the brain, not vegetable.
*shrugs* I steer clear of food fads and stuff anyway *wobbles belly*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:14, Reply)

This was more a "milk is boring ooh new and different" purchase
I've tried soy milk in the past too, similar issues with tea colouration.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:17, Reply)

tea colouration fucking minging taste
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)

AND you have long hair
HIPPY
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Shorter now
I had a haircut, so it's back level with my shoulderblades. I'm like David Ginola in his pomp.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:07, Reply)

If that was true you wouldn't need the inflatable sex dolls
Except maybe to use as weapons to beat away the hordes of frothing clunge
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

You don't inflate muppets
you need to keep your memes straight. I can see why you might have a problem with that...
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Oooooh... BITCH
I missed the muppets thing
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I missed breakfast this morning, as I forgot to iron my shirt last night, so I did that this morning (I didn't have time for both)
I suppose the obvious answer to that is every single day I have to speak to the retards I work with, when I'd rather strangle half of them.

I'm of the belief that 99% of conspiracy theories are bollocks tbh, I just don't see the point.

I'm not too sure about Barcelona, United were playing exceptionally last night.

Alt: No, he's a long way behind Kelvin MacKenzie, Alex Ferguson, etc.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Don't forget Tatchell
No questioning the McKenzie or Ferguson arguments though. Barcelona will make United look very silly.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)

More specifically, Messi will.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Oh no, Fergie will get John O'Shea to mark him out of the game
And Carrick is more than a match for Xavi and Iniesta

*dies laughing*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Yeah the bit where they continuously throw themselves to the floor clutching their faces and then have a bit of a roll around will be a sight to behold

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I didn't know Bella even played football...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I made risotto last night
But I didn't have any white wine so I used red. Result delicious risotto that looks like sludge.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Does that work?
I've always gone with white because red's generally a bit stodgier and is also too delicious to waste on cookery when I could be drinking it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:05, Reply)

yes!
Well I was making bacon, muchroom and pea risotto. which will take red wine.

Chicken risotto with red wine tastes weird.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Dammit
Now I'm hungry

*looks forlornly at snack box of carrots & hummous*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I have brought the leftover sludge in for my dinner
ohnommynomnom
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:46, Reply)

I hate dieting more today than yesterday
but, no doubt, not as much as tomorrow
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Walking socks, ladyface.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I haz bought walking socks too

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:06, Reply)

They make a big difference.
Race you to Stoodley Pike.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:07, Reply)

I'm not going to be winning any races Noel.
As long as I don't die en route I'll be happy
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:29, Reply)

I'm listening to the audio book of 2001 A Space Odyssey by Arthur C Clarke after someone on here recommended the book over the film.
Three chapters in and I'm really enjoying it, it's already given much more meaning to the first five minutes of the film than I could have imagined.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I tried listening to audiobooks at the gym
but I either can't hear them over the top 40 being pumped out or if I'm outdoors over the traffic noise. And even when I can I find I've stopped paying attention and have no idea what's happening any more :(
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

I listened in bed trying to get back to sleep last night, worked really well.
I'll be taking them out walking with me - I'm a bit tired of walking on my own now I've explored all the paths around here so I'm looking for ways to make my walks a touch more interesting. So far on the list: audiobooks and covert country wanking.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:12, Reply)

You could always "do a Darth"
but take some paper if you do.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:14, Reply)

There are so many things you could mean by that
*braces*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I wasn't exactly sure.
Perhaps he's heard about your origami addiction.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I seem to recall you shat in a tramps mouth while out running.
I may have one or two of the minor details wrong.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Hahaha
Slightly, yeah. I did post a QOTW story about needing to take a shite whilst out running and finding the only toilet en route to be locked.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I used just the phrase en route up there.
It worries me that we may be quite similar. Although I suppose we already have a lot in common, what with us both liking men
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:33, Reply)

That and the huge breasts, yes

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Naked urban rambling

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Fuck that, stinging nettles are bad enough when fully clothed.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Zero goals is how many Barcelona will win by at the end of the month.
They're going to lose 2-0.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:13, Reply)

No, no, BarceLOna
Not Fulham
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:14, Reply)

But Britain's Got Talent isn't even in the voting stages yet!

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Oh man where can I get me some bumgloves?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Bumgloves is the lord of cats,
he wears a crown of cat anuses.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:32, Reply)

For breakfast I had...
Misery flakes lightly drizzled with some ebola milk and a side of syphilis juice. I feel quite perky now.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Haha you must have had that in your waki bowl with your spoon of ROFL !!1!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Not voted, will vote later.
Not had breakfast.

The one that gets me is the twats outside the booths that ask to see your card and then write down your details. Especially the ones with obvious political party affiliation. Its not that they do it, its more the fact that they act as though its part of the voting process and that you don't have a choice.
( Peej, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:27, Reply)

You get annoyed about some weird stuff
And now I imagine I will too. Damn you.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:31, Reply)

And whats with those little flaps on coffee cups!
But seriously, they only want your details because they know you actually vote and want to send you loads of shit.
( Peej, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Nah, that's not how they get you
It's handling pennies. Gives the government your DNA
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:44, Reply)

That's why I wear tin foil gloves.

( Peej, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:56, Reply)

The button popped off my trousers last night, I'm putting this down to poor craftmanship

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Yeah
Looks like whoever made it skimped on the hair as well, and one of the eyes looks a bit wonky
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:32, Reply)

perhaps you washed them on the wrong setting?
That's my excuse.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Alt Q
Michael Winner.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:32, Reply)

The inconsiderate bastard who sits next to me was only fucking born 32 years ago today
and has brought in cakes. Fucking MASSES of cakes. This is a fucking awful day to be on a diet. Distract me, B3ta
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:34, Reply)

*waves willy*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)

*gets out microscope*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Did you ninja this from periscope?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Absolutely not
No idea what you mean
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Your running and dieting plus the contents of my post above have convinced me to diet a bit as well
bring on the misery
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Running isn't so bad when you get into it
In fact it can be very rewarding. Dieting is horrific.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:38, Reply)

I do a bit anyway, but haven't been in two weeks because of holidays
I'm not really going to diet as such, just cut out the crap more effectively.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Silly boy
Crapping is a great way of losing weight
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:46, Reply)

You could say you'll run for an hour to justify filling your face with cake.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:37, Reply)

When you compare the number of calories that running for an hour burns
with those of just one cream cake it's a miracle we're not all morbidly obese.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:40, Reply)

It is massively depressing looking at the calorie counter on a running machine and realising
you've only burnt off 1 kit kat
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Poor Al
can't even fit on a running machine
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I imagine he would simply roll on the spot wedged between the support bars

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

This image delights and terrifies me

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:46, Reply)

BREAKING NEWS
Osama bin Laden has released a new video to convince his supporters that he is still alive. The brief message simply says "Derby were shit on Saturday". Experts have dismissed the video as proof that bin Laden is still alive, saying that it could have been recorded at any point in the last ten years.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 5 May 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Or Forest.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 5 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)