My eye is bright red and is fucking knacking me
What injuries are you currently sporting?

I have bong-eye and a dog bite on my leg at the moment

ALT:
What faux-pas should I make this evening at a wedding do?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:33, 111 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Finger the bride.

( girlinthehole, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:34, Reply)

OK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:35, Reply)

Sorted!
I have a poorly toe and a bump on my leg.
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:35, Reply)

my dog headbutted my nose this morning, not quite as bad as BD and SF, but it was a bit touch and go there for a while

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:36, Reply)

My son does this far too often

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

BD and SF?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Bondage/Discipline and Shagging Fatties

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

that's shit

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

I NO RITE

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:41, Reply)

brayndedd and sexface

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

Did they both headbutt your nose in the morning?
Well, I knew they were both cunts (actually TGB always said Sexface was a nice bloke), but that takes the biscuit.

And adds gravy.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:46, Reply)

facepalm

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:48, Reply)

I met him, and took rather a dislike to the fellow. He is most ungallant.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

He thinks with his cock, that's for sure.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Bragging about being cruel to women does not endear someone to me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:10, Reply)

oh so he does that IRL as well?
lame
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:22, Reply)

Is the bride called Eileen?
Because if she is then you should wilfully misinterpret the lyrics to an inexplicably popular Dexy's song at the appropriate moment.

And then slap your cock on her face.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

I like this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

You should also put your pinkie in the corner of your mouth while doing it.
So everybody knows what a naughty japester you are.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

When did you get so funny, Davvers? Have they changed your meds or something?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:55, Reply)

I'm on a bella, innit?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:56, Reply)

That's just how you roll.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:01, Reply)

It would appear we are nearly ready to leave.
Massive traffic jam on the A1 western bypass here we come!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Bad back, bruised elbow, that's about it
Alt: Shit in your hands and clap
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:37, Reply)

I have an infected foot thanks to a cut I got at the local swimming baths
Alt: Bogle
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Alt: hahahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:56, Reply)

I still have a large bruise from giving blood over a week ago

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

life is hard :(

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Like my cock.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:46, Reply)

Life is too short

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:47, Reply)

like your cock

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Like Al's cock

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:49, Reply)

THAT'S THE..

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:52, Reply)

We really need canned laughter in this place so the thickos know when to laugh.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)

*opens can*
I agree
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAcunt
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:56, Reply)

I've just shit myself because of how funny that was.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Well you'll wanna tidy that up before your guests arrive/log on

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:58, Reply)

It's ok I'm at work.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:00, Reply)

my mate had a blood test a week ago
at least 50% of his entire arm was bruise because the retard who took the blood fucked it up.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:38, Reply)

The lump on my right index finger has come back.
It's very annoying.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:38, Reply)

I'm going to a wedding on Monday,
I'm going to be more sober than the bride, but that's all I'm promising.

ALSO: anyone remember this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dare_To_Believe
It was fucking brilliant.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

who the fuck gets married on a monday

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:41, Reply)

I got married on a Wednesday.
It's supposed to be lucky.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Where's Craig David when you need him?
Or Solomon Grundy, for that matter.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

My friend nic
so the venue cost only £6000 not £8000
(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Also it's a bank holiday monday.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:43, Reply)

This^
Thursday marriage FTcheapskate
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:43, Reply)

There is this as well, of course.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:43, Reply)

welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll that makes sense

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:45, Reply)

You are Lulu AICM masses of plastic surgery

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:49, Reply)

I put Dare to Believe into youtube
and the first hit is a song from a band called - I shit you not - Boyce Avenue.

Officelol right here.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 27 May 2011, 17:17, Reply)

FUCK YOU
I've been sat in that other thread like some billy no mates!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:46, Reply)

HAHA
you fucking wanker. I hope one of your relatives dies too.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:47, Reply)

: (
Granny ape has cancer
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:48, Reply)

better than monkey aids eh

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Sorry to hear that mate
All the worse now you've told Al of all people. You might as well paint a target on your back and rename yourself NakedApetheStarfish
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:51, Reply)

I thought maybe he has learned a lesson this morning after being particularly cruel

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:52, Reply)

hahahahaha!
There is no gullible in the dictionary
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:53, Reply)

YES there IS
*checks*

SEE?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

You obviously think I'm talking about anyone else in the world
This is Al. The line is but a memory to him.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Oh man
I didn't realise he actually had a poorly gran. Now I feel bad.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:26, Reply)

Yeah yeah, we know,
then you were eaten by a whale and you went to this island where all the naughty kids are sent, and your dad's a carpenter called Gepetto.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:39, Reply)

I don't understand, are you calling me Jonah?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:44, Reply)

No, Pinocchio.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Stiff oblique muscles
ALT: finger the groom
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:48, Reply)

finger bum
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Usual Ballroom-related injuries;
gammy knee, ball of right foot playing up, ruined anus, shattered pride.

Alt: Hold court by telling a disgusting-yet-fascinating story that people are appalled by but loath to walk away from as it gets ever more inventive. Ideally involving the bride and an inter-species gang-bang. Be sure to look very awkward when she comes over to investigate.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Or make a joke about their dead relatives

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Sporters wouldn't sink that low
*poker face*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

...

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:13, Reply)

I'm deaf in my right ear.
Alt: Do a sexy dance. Sexily.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

________________________________________________________________________________You smell
tee hee hee
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

PARDON?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 15:57, Reply)

Haha! I've not heard that one before!
I HAVEN'T HEARD IT AS I'M DEAF
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:10, Reply)

I'll bet you never thought you'd hear yourself say that.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:10, Reply)

And I'm done for the day
have a lovely long weekend everyone except Monty, who i hope snorts a gram of coke mixed with Colombian jizz and rat poison
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:01, Reply)

Happy tramp-noshing!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:05, Reply)

None whatsoever.
Alt: call everyone you encounter 'a fucking paki'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:04, Reply)

spend the entire time forcing drinks down the brides mums throat

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:05, Reply)

yeah- DRINKS OF SPUNK!!!!"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Any gamblers on here?
Paddy Power are offering some great money-back deals on the Champions League final this Saturday.

That's all.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Where's your money lie, Jeff?
2 or 3 goal Barca victory?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:10, Reply)

I quite like the money-back markets.
Rooney to score either first (8/1), or anytime (3/1) and if Barca win in 90 minutes, you get your money back.

I'm thinking of a tenner on both of those bets, and then just sitting back and expecting a refund.

Have a look here.

www.paddypower.com/football/football-matches/champions-league-games/Barcelona-v-Man-Utd---Wembley-Stadium-2647980.html
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:12, Reply)

I'm not a betting man
Even if I was I wouldn't fancy this game, I'll be amazed if Barca don't make United look very foolish and accordingly would only bet on a Blaugruna victory. So if United won I'd be doubly pissed off.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:15, Reply)

I AGREE!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:16, Reply)

Alt: black up in the bogs using Dubbin, then grab the mic and sing Harry Belafonte's 'Banana Boat Song',
wanking throughout.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:14, Reply)

Lots of spare time tonight eh Monts

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:15, Reply)

What do you mean?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:17, Reply)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:20, Reply)

You're posting a lot
And using lots of CAPITALS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!

I put it to you that you've started on the MDs before leaving the workplace. In which case my cap is appropriately doffed to you.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Oh fine. I thought you were asking me out on a date.
No, no MDs 'til the morrow, when I shall be on the mushrooms and changalang, and LOTS of booze.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:23, Reply)

Oh yeah, you've got your old person's music event, haven't you
*conveniently exaggerates five-year age gap*

Ironically, it's just occured to me that this wedding I'm going to will probably be the first time I've ever seen the groom not off his face.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:25, Reply)

I am really excited.
It's going to be like InFest but good and not full of cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:27, Reply)

I am more excited about seeing Wilko Johnson than I am Hawkwind, I think.
But then I've seen HW at least 15 times and I only got into Dr Feelgood last year so my enthusiasm is felt more keenly.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:29, Reply)

I'm sure it is

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:34, Reply)

What, 'good' or 'full of cunts'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:38, Reply)

I'm sure it's good and not full of cunts
In my brain it was intended as a weary response denoting a typical end to an otherwise enjoyable discussion. How on earth the internet failed to convey this I have no idea.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:41, Reply)

It should be pretty good.
The have some young blood in the lineup which had made them heavier and rockier than they've been for a long time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:42, Reply)

I remember you saying
Your mate's mate with Kilmister aspirations on bass. If you're going to aspire to a bassist, you could do much worse...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:43, Reply)

Indeed so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:45, Reply)

Time for me to get the rock out of here
I know you loves the Leppard.

Have a cracking time at your gig, best wishes for the weekend to everyone.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Thank you. Have a good weekend.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:51, Reply)

healing back from a trampoline accident.
other than that I'm more or less injury free at the moment, which makes a nice change
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:39, Reply)

A trampoline accident?
You fucking what? Unless you were mugged by a trampoline, you are a bender.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:42, Reply)

I reckon he was wearing a gingham dress at the time,
looking for all the world like a cross between Grayson Perry and Billy Gibbons.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:44, Reply)

that's strange, I didn't see you there

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 May 2011, 18:28, Reply)

Everyone is injury free apart from their injuries
prat.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 16:42, Reply)

sometimes I wish that in real life people didn't pick up on the stupid things I say as readily as they do on here

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 May 2011, 18:29, Reply)

A pathetic little cut from banging my shin on an ikea bedframe
Alt: MASSIVE DRUGS
( clockworkrat has nice pants, Sat 28 May 2011, 2:21, Reply)