New thread
So, as I mentioned I have a copper in my living room, bnut what odd guests have you had turn up on your doorstep?

Alt: Pigeons or something
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:36, 87 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

the best one was a guy proffering
a promotional free box of tea bags shortly after me complaining to my housemate we were out of teabags.

It was a magical day
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:37, Reply)

That's brilliant

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:41, Reply)

it really was
it was the first pyramid teabags I ever saw
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Go and ask Pc Plod if copper nitrate is an extra payment he gets for working shifts.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:38, Reply)

baddum tish!
nice one
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:39, Reply)

A couple of months ago I was playing Fifa by my window.
It was about three in the morning and a few (drunk) lads walked past, banged on said window and said they could beat me. I told them no chance, invited them in and when I opened the door they all through their takeaways at me. Great days.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:40, Reply)

yay free food

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Attacked by fish and chips
'SALT and BATTERED!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:41, Reply)

It's times like that
When you need to plaice your sole in the trust of cod.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:43, Reply)

and hope you are eeled

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Hahahahhhaha - what takeaways?
You are an idiot for opening your door to 3 drunk strangers
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Pizzas.
Yeah looking back I don't know what the flying fuck I was thinking. The worst thing about it was I'd left the blinds open and the light on in my room and I could still here them standing outside the window, so I sat in the dark in the front room waiting for them to go away because I couldn't face them laughing at me.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Poor little barry, at least you have a funny story to tell...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Attacked with Pizza.
Could have been worse. They could have topped you.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:46, Reply)

that was cheesy

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Get stuffed (crust).

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:47, Reply)

if your mum was here
is that how you'd margreet-er?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:50, Reply)

It'd be ok
As long as you're a fun guy...
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:54, Reply)

round here there's
not mush room for that kind of thing
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Just stoppit both of you!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:58, Reply)

I just can't stop
pepperoniing my speech with puns
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:59, Reply)

We're not going to get pasta puns anytime soon I think.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:01, Reply)

This sounds like fun
Can I get a pizza the action?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:02, Reply)

You'll have to pay.
Have you got the dough?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:05, Reply)

This is just getting fusilli now.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:05, Reply)

Sorry, I spent all my cash yesterday at the butcher's
We had a really good BBQ - it was a meat feast.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:06, Reply)

I had a random lady called Mrs White turn up on my doorstep
having a go at me for not delivering her a caravan. I politely explained that I had no fucking idea what she was on about and my 3 year year old ran up to her wearing a fairy costume and wielding a magic wand like a club, smacked Mrs White on the leg and shouted "BING! Now you are a frog!" She turned and stormed off, it was a perfect moment.
( Peej, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:43, Reply)

haha

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Knowing several 3 year old girls
I can imagine this vividly, and it is beautiful.
(berk, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:46, Reply)

I had an Albanian refugee try to sell me her baby once.
That was a very strange day.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:44, Reply)

That's sad on so many levels

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

I know.
I'd forgotten about that until now.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Yeah. Fucking Slavs.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:27, Reply)

You realise that copper could look over your shoulder at any time?
If he takes any of the outlandish claims or veiled threats made on a daily basis here seriously then we're in some incredibly deep shit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:45, Reply)

It's ok, he's at the other end of the room
I'm hoping for a chase of some sort and maybe some shooting
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:46, Reply)

To the Benny Hill tune.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:48, Reply)

I could load that up and link my laptop to my speakers...
Or maybe the theme from The Bill
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Or perhaps a Dalek speech simulator.
That'd be awesome.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:51, Reply)

yeah like
when you said you were going to BOMB THE FUCKERS when we were discussing police
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:46, Reply)

Or they might send some riot police to cave in the heads of those on the picket lines
Just saying
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Well I'm off to a rally in town in a few minutes
I reckon I could shout OI PIGS! a couple of times. I'll listen to rage against the machine all the way there
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Take your LARP sword and pick a fight with a copper
You'll be a YouTube sensation overnight
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:56, Reply)

pole arm, sword, dagger or crossbow?
Or should I just try and cast spells?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Given what I know of your height and presumably reach,
and that of the average policeman, I'd recommend the pole arm. And if you overbalance and fall forwards you've got airbags innit.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:00, Reply)

boing!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:02, Reply)

I once had a tramp follow me home
but I had earphones in, and as such didn't realise he'd wandered in to the house behind me. As I turned to put my bike away and take my helmet off, I caught sight of this wizened black Fagin-a-like, reeking to high heaven, just stood with his hand out, waiting for me to give him some money so he'd go away. I screamed in shock and he pissed himself. This is not a figure of speech: he actually pissed himself in the hallway.

The guy who lived in the downstairs flat came to see what all the commotion was about and found us both having absolute hysterics; me because there was tramp piss on the carpet, and him because I was screaming at him to get out and because I wouldn't give him any money. Thankfully said chap is about 6'3 and built like a brick shithouse, so he kindly dealt with the scary tramp and I went and had a very large drink.
(berk, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:52, Reply)

+ of tramp piss that I mopped from the hallway carpet

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:55, Reply)

Thankfully there wasn't actually that much on the carpet
most of it had soaked in to his already crusty trousers.
(berk, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:01, Reply)

QOTW is over there ->
That is a top story actually. Did you enjoy yourself in SW19 yesterday?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:55, Reply)

I had a lovely day thankyou
shame it clashed with your gig though; it would have been nice to meet you. I believe you had a top time also?
(berk, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:57, Reply)

Damn right, the gig was amazing
Labs and I had a brilliant night. It would have been lovely to meet you too but you had a bloody good excuse. Due to traffic we were only in the pub pre-gig for about half an hour anyway :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:01, Reply)

FTS, FTS.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Are you trying to be a cat?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 11:59, Reply)

did you get pictures?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:00, Reply)

No, I was too busy going mental.

(berk, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:01, Reply)

About the only weird thing I've had turn up recently was a business card.
It said something along the lines of (stress not my own)

"Sorry, I've missed you. No doubt you're still looking through our catalogue trying to decide which services you'd like to use. Please leave the COMPLETE PACKAGE outside your front door THIS EVENING between 6PM AND 9PM and I will pick it up.

Steve"

I feel like leaving a note outside with

"Dear Steve,

Thank you for your unsolicited hawking. I have thrown your COMPLETE PACKAGE in the BIN and so shall not be leaving it outside my door THIS EVENING or indeed any other. Kindly FUCK OFF and do not attempt to sell me ANYTHING in future"

written on it.
( Kroney, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:00, Reply)

We would totally do that
but we are curmudgeonly old gits.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Do it
You have my full approval for this.
If Steve complains, tell him I said it was ok.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:04, Reply)

PS here's a'bot dog' for you to chew on, you ghastly bender.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:28, Reply)

What's a bot dog?
I'm too afraid to google it.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Ask Kroney

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:31, Reply)

An Under-the-Trouser Schnauzer

( Kroney, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:32, Reply)

A bog log
A jean bean
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Gotcha.
Does it have to be left in a tupperware, or will a handbag suffice?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:40, Reply)

It is better taken raw

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Google won't help - I made it up myself.
It's where one shits in a baguette and gives it to someone one dislikes. Like a hot dog, but with a pooey twist. A faecal relative to the horse's head in the bed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:55, Reply)

No strange guests.
Alt: I fucking hate pigeons.
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:35, Reply)

You are a statue
AICMFP
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:36, Reply)

You usually invite the really strange ones though, don't you?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:37, Reply)

That's true.

( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Doesn't the bizzy mind that you're telling us he's there?
Or is he at least looking every now and again to make sure you're not facebooking Daz and Gaz to tell them they're being watched?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:37, Reply)

he's gone now and I will nevger know the outycome

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Ooo! is ape on a stakeout?

( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Aye

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:44, Reply)

How positively sexy.

( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:45, Reply)

*dangles handcuffs*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Give us a go on your truncheon.
Do the police still have truncheons?
( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:49, Reply)

Extendable ones, certainly.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:50, Reply)

WooHoo!

( girlinthehole, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:50, Reply)

5 am one sunny saturday morning
I was woken by a knock at the front door, which I ignored (as you would) but the visitor was quite persistent, so I got up and answered it.
Stood at the door was Ski, an acquaintance to me but a good friend of my house mates, who was looking worse for wear. He was muddy, wet and had torn his jeans.
He told me how he had sneaked out of his parents' house to by cigarettes after a drunken night out, heading to the nearest 24hour Tesco. On route he realised he had forgotten his keys and decided that as we lived near by he would call in and crash on our sofa, so he was pleased to see I that I had answered the door.
He went on to explain that after he had purchased his cigarettes he had decided to take a short cut and become tangled in barbed wire and had to wade through a river to get to our house. Clearly quite an ordeal and had taken much time and effort.
I was confused by this as Tesco was just half a mile away and there was a main road between there and where he now stood. Christ knows how he could have gotten lost.
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:50, Reply)

Alright Ape
Any news with your friends disciplinary?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:51, Reply)

You ghoul.
You just want to play the 'shoulder to cry on' card and get your grubby little end away.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:55, Reply)

I've had my fill of b3tan women, thank you!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 12:59, Reply)

fill or feel

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 13:00, Reply)

Bit of both, I suppose

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 13:02, Reply)