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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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QOTW Lies.This morning Noel told a MASSIVE AND PREPOSTEROUS FUCKING LIE about his fictional egg preference. What was the last lie you told?
Alt: what is the most ridiculous lie you have told or heard?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 10:59,
186 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Probably just a big Michael J Fox fan.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:01,
Reply)
Can you please confess to some sort of illnessI want today to have a theme
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:00, Reply)
I think I've got elephantitis of the cock.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:02,
Reply)
Just wait, you'll be there on Saturday morning with your hangover and comedown, stood in your rubbish-strewn kitchen in your grubby smoking jacket and yesterday's socks, eggs bubbling away in the frying panand your hand hovering over the jar of chilli flakes, wondering, just for a moment, if all the hype is true.
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:01,
Reply)
Yeah sure Noel.If that is even your real name. I don't know what to believe any more.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:03,
Reply)
OMG Is Monty even your real name?Have we all fallen into the same trap as "Bill Clay" if that is his real name?
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:05, Reply)
Yes we have, Al - if indeed etc.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:15,
Reply)
Alt: One lad at school apparently claimed he had managed to drive round the M25twice, in "about half an hour."
After somebody worked out what his average speed would have to have been to accomplish this feat, he backpedalled to, "oh, well, maybe it was just the once..."
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:02, Reply)
Hahah It's no 'chilli eggs' but not a bad effort there.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:04,
Reply)
but to answer your question I emailed Kitty this morning saying she didn't look like she'd put on half a stone and it was probably just muscle.(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:03, Reply)
You emailed a girl you met on the internetwho has a boyfriend, to tell her that she hadn't put on weight, a fact you could only have gleaned from looking at photos of her on facebook?
I hope the entire thing is your lie, or that is particularly creepy.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:06, Reply)
She emailed me moaning that wii fit said she'd put on weight.I trust the accuracy of those japanese gadgets but didn't want to hurt her feelings.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:10, Reply)
There's not just facebook...He might have drugged her just before she went to bed, then broken into her house and carried her limp body to the bathroom scales, before making a note of her current weight, and perhaps some other personal data, in his Little Book of Kitty (a cheap WHSmith notepad with the cover hanging off), then depositing her back in her bed and stealing another pair of used underwear as a small trophy.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:10, Reply)
Is there some sort of rota?I imagine if you both turned up on the same day it could be quite awkward.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:19,
Reply)
I don't know, a second pair of hands could be useful if she really has put on another half-stone...(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:20, Reply)
I don't know how to weigh someone using conventional bathroom weighing machine, when they're unconscious.you could do it in one of those seat ones you get at the hospital, but not at home. And if he did take an unconscious girl in her PJs to a hospital to weigh her, they would ask questions before letting you use the machine.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:24,
Reply)
I think after all that pole dancingEven while unconscious, she'd probably instictively steady herself (in a highly empowered fashion) against the nearby towel rail
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)
Wouldn't be an acreate enough figure then(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:30,
Reply)
Oh, absolutely,his statistics are flawless but his measurement technique leaves something to be desired.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:32, Reply)
I liked his write up on the subjectA very good read.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:38,
Reply)
I'm dumping you because I want to be on my own for a while.(
girlinthehole, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:09,
Reply)
My nephew has a friend who has a white mother and black father, (not mixed race).He has absolutely no afro-carribean features at all. At a push he looks a bit Spanish or Porguguese.
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girlinthehole, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:12,
Reply)
I lied to myself last nightand told myself I would only run to the park and then come home but then when I got to the park I told myself to run around it and then to run another mile on a very long route home.
Did I mention I'm running a half marathon in about 2 and a half weeks?
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:11, Reply)
I saw you ran eight miles the other dayWhich means you've overtaken me in the training stakes. I am impressed, and angry. And tired.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)
It was 8.1 miles.I had done 3.5 miles around the park when I had to stop and sit down and get angry with myself for five minutes, then I picked myself up and made myself run another 4 and a half. But it was 1 hour 35 actual running time.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:14, Reply)
Good workKeep this up and you'll kick the arse off a half marathon.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:15, Reply)
I felt really good last night, doing 4.6 miles in 47 minuteswhich made a welcome change to how I normally feel when I finish.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)
Define "really good"As in "not completely and totally fucked" or "pleased with oneself for the achievement"?
The second is great, the first is like some kind of near-mythical holy grail
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:24, Reply)
As in I got home and still felt strong and not all that tiredand this morning my legs aren't all that sore.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:31, Reply)
For some reason there's always a kid in school who makes up stupid lies that couldn't possibly be trueYes James, course you have Halo before it's even been released. What do the characters look like? What is the first level like? Oh you haven't played that bit yet? Right.....
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:12, Reply)
A girl from Winchesterwent round my mate Andy’s after school one day, and there was a pair of skiddy pants on his bedroom floor.
‘It’s not shit, it’s chocolate’, he lied – and to ‘prove it’ picked them up and licked the skid.
Stunned poster knows this chap, he's now a successful businessman who lives in the West End.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:13,
Reply)
Wellgroomedwookiee told me a story about a mutual acquaintance of ours which sounds worryingly similar(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:14, Reply)
His nickname became 'chocpants' (
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:15,
Reply)
I haven't the imagination to fabricate these yarns.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:17,
Reply)
Yes of course, because everybody rubs chocolate into their undies(
Kroney, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:15,
Reply)
Apparently it was without any doubt whatsoever a massive streak of poo.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:16,
Reply)
Apart from that obviously being quite a disgusting length to go to just to reduce the embarrassmentDid it not occur to him that, if she believed him, she might wonder why he had been eating chocolate out of his underpants?
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:17, Reply)
I told AA I'd meet him in Manchester for a pint on SaturdayHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He's not about, is he?
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:16, Reply)
I convinced a housemate that bramble jelly is in fact made from wood.(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:16, Reply)
I heard you convinced a friend of yours that you had done it with a ladyand that when you finished you whipped your cock out of her fanny and sprayed jizz all over her face because that's how people do it and all women love it when men do that.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:19, Reply)
Yep, that's the oneReverend Of Fister's Lady.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:34,
Reply)
Lying is wrongWhen talking to a lady friend on Sunday I may have related my getting very drunk on Saturday in such a way that the presence of a female co-worker was obscured, but that's FINE.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:17,
Reply)
Dear Monty Boyce Bbz the third,There's been a facebook group started asking for people to pray for random child that I do not know that has cancer.
Is it okay for me to start a facebook group and invite fuck loads of people I don't know to pray for me to take over Nicole Scherzinger's job on X Factor US?
Love,
Krizzy Kris Krizzle
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:18,
Reply)
Your best bet is to start a groupPraying for the child's cancer to be transferred to Nicole. Anyone who won't join WANTS THE CHILD TO DIE.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:23,
Reply)
how will this help me to get fame and fuck loads of cash?you're going about this all wrong
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:25,
Reply)
That's perfectly fine, yes.I'll have a word with Simon Cowell for you - I know him from the pub. He owes me a tenner.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:29,
Reply)
I greatly appreciate that.I feel that as a white american I'd be better suited than that brown woman with the big eyes.
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:35,
Reply)
See you on the popular page.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:29,
Reply)
I convinced someone that they wouldn't be allowed to take a tin opener into the Download Festivalbecause it's classed as an offensive weapon if carried in public. They actually went downstairs to check if the tins they were taking were ring pull before I let on that I was a lying bastard
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:21, Reply)
I'm sorry but we do.And my arse has been particularly offensive the last few days. I have no idea why.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)
is she one of those girls that does it in front of you and laughs about it?disgusting, letting down females everywhere
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:26,
Reply)
Yes, she's one of thoseI get my own back though by doing the smelliest ones known to man
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:28, Reply)
I really don't approve of that kind of thing.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:31,
Reply)
Like you have a choice in the matterI can imagine if you showed the slightest hint of dissaproval Lusty would rip your balls off.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:51, Reply)
The disappointing followup single by The Cure(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:32,
Reply)
I had a short story published by the BrooklynerI'm pretty pleased about it.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:26, Reply)
Australia are still an international cricketing forceRicky Ponting is every bit the player he once was and Langer, Hayden, Warne, Gilchrist and McGrath have been adequately replaced.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:35, Reply)
You are not a 'published' author and so cannot comment(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:30,
Reply)
It was funny because each line was full of delicious irony(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:31,
Reply)
His was full of sarcasm, mine was full of irony.Edit: ninja bastard
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Kroney, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:33,
Reply)
My spelling is correct, you are all wrong(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:29,
Reply)
"Don't worry, I'll pull out before I finish.""Don't worry, I pulled out before I finished."
"I love you too."
Alt: One lad at my primary school brought in trophies that weren't his, because he wanted some attention. This would have been easier if they didn't have his brother's name on, which the teacher announced. His brother was also in the assembly.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:29,
Reply)
I used to be in this bracket of extreme attention seeking. I'm glad I am no longer this pathetic.(
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:32,
Reply)
In hindsight, I feel quite bad for the kidBut at the time, it was very funny.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:33,
Reply)
Alt: I told the ex-Mrs Fister that she was in no way a fat, opinionated munter.(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:30, Reply)
Well, that explains why she's your ex.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:32,
Reply)
And might I add, you're looking far healthier these days*checks stab vest*
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:34,
Reply)
Last lie I toldI'm going for a poo.
I wasn't really, I was going for a wank
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:32, Reply)
Woman has taken babe to be weighed and have a check upThey are both very well, the little babba has now grown out of early baby clothes and into newborn! She is 6 weeks old today.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:35,
Reply)
good to hear it! my mate laura's babe is 4 months and has just reached 11lbs, she's skinny but very longthey've had to take the 0-3mos clothes and sew smaller elastic into the waist band
she's goooooooorgeous
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:42,
Reply)
Good news old boy.It's great when you get out of the really scary early bit. Mine was in intensive care for a few days, I was shitting myself.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:45,
Reply)
I'm always confusing him with that applemonkey person (the "PUBLISHED AUTHOR" one the other day).One of them is my worst enemy for life, the other is alright.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:55,
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C'MON MR CHANG, WHERE IS YOUR WHEELY BIN? JUST TELL ME !!!!OK, MR DUSTBIN MAN, I 'WHEELY BEEN' HAVING A WANK
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:53,
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'the bumps? It's ok, I'm wearing one of those tickler condoms'(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:32,
Reply)
'Of course it's cheese flavoured, why else would it smell like that?'(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:39,
Reply)
Ironically, I just posted my first QOTW entry in months and it's 100% trueI had to be very tactful with my choice of words on Monday night, when consoling Ms Foxtrot's sister about another boy-related disaster. How does one answer the question "What is so wrong with me? Why do I only attract such wankers?"
By lying. That's how.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:48, Reply)
"stop fancying wankers, you fucking idiot"this answer to number 2.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:50,
Reply)
She really has picked some wankersWhich is why I had to lie. The back-up response is obviously "all men are wankers" which is even worse.
I went with "I don't know, you're just unlucky" or some such, which was a lie because I know perfectly well that many of the traits she likes in a man are omnipresent amongst wankers.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:54, Reply)
I really think you should consider being honest.I mean, it's unlikely to help, but at least she might understand better.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:00,
Reply)
thisplus it feels good to stick it in peoples faces when they're being stupid
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:01,
Reply)
I see where you're coming frombut I have to live with her. And I know her, she needs a bit of a wallow before the brutal truth will even be heard, let alone tolerated.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:02, Reply)
I had to answer "what does it mean when a guy says they're not sure they want a serious relationship"the other day, I was tactful.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:51, Reply)
It means they are conkers deep in your mate.fuck tactful. People need to learn to be honest and not be stupid. Because, otherwise, when people really don't want serious relationships, no-one believes them.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:55,
Reply)
Good on youI'd have been tempted to go with "It means he's already fucking your sister"
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:55, Reply)
because youre fat and ugly and thats all youre ever going to get(
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:51,
Reply)
Oh I disagree, most people are fucking wankers so even the attractive nice people still end up with them from time to time.(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:52, Reply)
poor attractive people, they have it hard enough already :((
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:58,
Reply)
No, the awnser is "Have you meet my mate Gonz? He's from the internet, but he's not like the others, if anything, he'd be grateful himself".(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:52,
Reply)
Sorry mate you're still too shortYou also need to be obsessively clean
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:56, Reply)
I am taller than Gonz. I don't know how I feel about this.
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:05,
Reply)
That means his head is just the right heightto snuggle into your bosom.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:05, Reply)
Damn straight.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:10,
Reply)
What are the chances of her actually being attracted to a nice guy?My friend is in the same position, yet she's finally got a nice boyfriend, and isn't happy with him. Fucking idiot.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:53,
Reply)
you shouldn't be with someone just because they're nice(
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:54,
Reply)
not necessarilybut "just nice" isn't a reason to be with anyone, I agree.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:58,
Reply)
It should all be about the cock.Although I hope my wife doesn't think that.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:57, Reply)
Oh man, I bet you swept your hand through your glossy lustrous mane while you wrote that.(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:11, Reply)
Yeah, but then you shouldn't moan about "never meeting anyone nice"which is what they all do.
(, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:59, Reply)
if blokes would fucking shape up we wouldn't complain all the time(
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:00,
Reply)
If women had realistic expectationsthey wouldn't be complaining all the time.
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Kroney, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:04,
Reply)
I expect to be treated with common decency.However, I do not represent the entire female community, this is just what I want.
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:06,
Reply)
it's true I complain about everythingbut I really meant we wouldn't complain about only meeting wankers
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Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:10,
Reply)
Wanker just means "somebody did something that I didn't like and I felt hurt by"It's impossible to not be a wanker where women are concerned.
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Kroney, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:11,
Reply)
to be fair, there's a fuck load of women that are bitches, why hasn't anyone mentioned that?(
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:13,
Reply)
alt - "to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part"
/I'd like to point out this was only a riculous lie the first time around.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:53,
Reply)
There was a women on the telly today who had two legs that couldn't stop growing.She had one cut off and her stump is now 1m around. From the waste up she looked alright. Totally would.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:56,
Reply)
Yeah', really.There is some documentary about her on C5 tonight at 9.
www.channel5.com/shows/extraordinary-people/episodes/losing-one-of-my-giant-legs-extraordinary-people
I reckon that's an horrific photo though, if I had a giant leg like that, I'd want them to make it look like it was normal, so they should have done a myspace style pose photo.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 11:59,
Reply)
I definitely wouldn't be smiling if my legs looked like that(
Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 12:02,
Reply)
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