This morning I've shown myself to be the least smooth man on the planet.
With Valentine's Day all but here and us of us being in the mood for love, how about you tell us your biggest ever romance/relationship faux pas?
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:18, 151 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I love these threads.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:20, Reply)

My most recent faux pas, was forgetting to text a girl back for about 6 hours,
because I was trying to make a cat knock over bottles with a laser pen.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:22, Reply)

Hahahahha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Top tip: doesn't work on carpets.
And if you've got a small kitchen and they end up both knocking over the bottles and hitting the cupboard they'll ignore you until you feed them.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:36, Reply)

i think this should be
an olympic sport
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:36, Reply)

Something about your mum
I dunno, it was unromantic when I smashed her back doors in, or something. Make up your own...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:22, Reply)

If his mum's good enough for Wolf, then she's good enough for a fat virgin

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:24, Reply)

Yay!
What about skinny virgins?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:32, Reply)

She aint picky, they've given up giving her a free can of coke and chips down the kebab shop they're so used to gangbanging her

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:42, Reply)

See below.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:35, Reply)

I'm Don fucking Juan, motherfuckers.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:24, Reply)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:31, Reply)

Thumb the heart old man waving?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Don loving Juan?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:34, Reply)

McLean coronary dago?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:36, Reply)

Middle of the road shit LV Insurance Fascist?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:37, Reply)

You're riiiiiiight!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:38, Reply)

Does cheating on them count?
As I've done that pretty much relentlessly.

Yes, I know, terrible bastard, etc
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Oh, I think I'll just stick to laughing bitterly for this one.

(berk, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:34, Reply)

After double-teaming your mum with Wolf,
I went to wipe my shitty cock on the curtains but missed and got your dog instead.

Quite the red face, I can tell you!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:34, Reply)

Imagine how I felt.
I was balls deep in the dog at the time.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:38, Reply)

Oh man!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:41, Reply)

I tried to use butter as a lube.
Should have used lard.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:38, Reply)

She was scottish as well then?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:40, Reply)

She put salt on my cock before noshing it.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:40, Reply)

and deep fried it

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:41, Reply)

WEARING A KILT!!!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:42, Reply)

and eating shortbread
and bagging his pipes
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:43, Reply)

HOOTS MON. SHE CRIVENED MAH JINGS!!!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:46, Reply)

She coated a Mars Bar in her fanny batter and deep-friedzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:42, Reply)

HER POLLY DUN A SQUIRT WIV IRN BRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol rofl it's funny becasue I'm scottish!!!!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:43, Reply)

She had a cock and balls?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:46, Reply)

i accidentally put it in her bum once

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:53, Reply)

"accidentally "

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:54, Reply)

"her"

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:56, Reply)

"once"

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:56, Reply)

"her"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:57, Reply)

"once"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:58, Reply)

"once"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:56, Reply)

"accidentally"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:57, Reply)

you and chompy are so alike

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:57, Reply)

"her"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:58, Reply)

He's just a slow version of me.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:58, Reply)

"slow"

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:02, Reply)

"slow"
Am I doing this right?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:06, Reply)

"slow"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:08, Reply)

"Me"
/guess who I'm doing an impression of
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:11, Reply)

"you"?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:12, Reply)

"monty"

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:12, Reply)

""slow""

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:13, Reply)

"...and we couldn't find it for weeks..."

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:55, Reply)

Reader, I married her
/Brontelols
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:54, Reply)

Shittest of all the lols.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:55, Reply)

i got asked out the other week by this guy at the gym
didn't really fancy him, as he was overly tall and gawky, but he seemed quite sweet, so i agreed to coffee on the sat morning. we met in covent garden and he had no idea where he was (how can you not know covent garden? even people who've never been to england know covent garden).

anyway, i picked this coffee shop because it was a one-off, not a starbucks. it was nice, but after about 30 mins of slightly dull conversation, he went to the toilet. i was bored so i picked up the menu. oh. it was actually a christian charity type place. i then looked at the decor for the first time. yep. i had practically taken him to church.

but that wasn't the worst bit, no. the worst bit was that i pointed this out in laughing embarrassment, and he leaned across the table and said: "yes, i noticed that. so... do you believe in god? i didn't until i found Him when i turned 28..."

shortest. date. ever.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:54, Reply)

He was a dwarf AND a Christian?
You don't half pick'em.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:55, Reply)

a giant christian
i think he got to covent garden by coming down his beanstalk
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:59, Reply)

Did you fuck the jesus back out of him?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:56, Reply)

That's not really a riddy though, just a dull date.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:56, Reply)

nah, the faux pas was mine, in choosing a fundie cafe
the fact that he LIKED it was unfortunate.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:58, Reply)

I got a love letter once and corrected the spelling errors before handing it back,

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:59, Reply)

my friend is a psychologist
and her boss was once counselling a narcissist. when she sent him the report, he did exactly that - sent it back to her with what he perceived to be grammatical errors highlighted and corrected.

there was no helping that one.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:01, Reply)

I thought I was being a witty card.
Nope, just a cunt.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:02, Reply)

when i first started seeing jo i corrected her spelling in texts and that
and she said it made her love me more

awwwwwwwwwww
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:11, Reply)

awww that's so sweet!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:15, Reply)

YOU corrected her spelin?
wow
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Is the mistake here deliberate?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:25, Reply)

FFS AA

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:28, Reply)

"slow"

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:30, Reply)

hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:36, Reply)

is this a serious question?
really?

you're serious??

with that question???
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:30, Reply)

Did they end on a comma instead of a full stop?
You know, like a complete fucking spastic?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:04, Reply)

I wrote that letter from the HEART

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:06, Reply)

See above comment about being just a cunt.
Look in mirror. Search soul. See if you can understand irony.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:08, Reply)

Search what?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:10, Reply)

The things that dies inside a little when you steal to buy massive drugz.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:15, Reply)

I've seen him do it.
He comes alive if anything.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:16, Reply)

It gives me a rod-on.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:26, Reply)

condensed version plz

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 10:59, Reply)

Bro be ugly christian, bitch be a hater.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:00, Reply)

actually this is pretty fucking accurate

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:00, Reply)

well I hope for her sake taht they sell Manolo Blahniks
IN HELL
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:00, Reply)

They're already hell on the feet.
AMIRITE!!!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:01, Reply)

so tru, i can neva find my size
:(((
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:02, Reply)

2 tru sista, 2 tru!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:02, Reply)

no, it's good for your literacy skills to practice, quentin
put your finger under each word and read it sloooowly. you can do it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:00, Reply)

thanks i did get tehre in the end, it was pretty dull tho tbh

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:00, Reply)

excellent
that's 1 minute of your life you ain't never getting back, bitch
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:01, Reply)

you got me good
thats Quinten 14000 - Rachelswipe 1
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:02, Reply)

New from JML the Quinten 14000.
Buy now and get this helicopter, absolutly free!!!!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:05, Reply)

*helicopter only avaiable in some people's imaginations
subject to availability
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:06, Reply)

Oh
I thought we really connected :(
I'll pray for you.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:05, Reply)

I accidently punched your sister in the face when "Spidermanning" her

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:01, Reply)

he knows - he was at the other end, remember?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:02, Reply)

What are you doing on here?
It's not the gay shift, should you not be working?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:08, Reply)

it's half term
so I'm only going to work tuesday, wednesday and thursday. Was meant to have a sofa arrive today, but that's not happening now. Also, stuck in waiting for the gas meter to be changed.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:09, Reply)

Hardly a week in the Caribbean.
Still, welcome to the day threads.

Fractionally more interesting than waiting for a sofa to be delivered.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:14, Reply)

why thank you, I hope i can make my time here worthwhile

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:17, Reply)

You'd be the first.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:19, Reply)

Bask in the warmth of your walls.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:19, Reply)

i think I'm getting sunburn from them

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Maybe, there was such a queue though i can't remeber individuals

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:08, Reply)

I thought Valentines Day would be a good time, since she was all loved up and wined and dined,
to bust out the Angry Pirate.

I am now single.
( Kroney, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:10, Reply)

should have gone with a donkey punch

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:11, Reply)

like a dilithium crystal, all dressed up and no warp drive to go

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:12, Reply)

I didn't get to dip my rods into her reactor core
for AGES
( Kroney, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:13, Reply)

If only she loved your "ketracel-white" as much as the Jem'Hadar
:(
(PsychoChomp, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:22, Reply)

I had to manually purge the plasma manifolds etc etc

( Kroney, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:24, Reply)

Think I'm going to have to change my pants now

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:25, Reply)

should have gone with the windmill.
all chicks love a good cock windmill.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Should have gone with the Dirty Sanchez.
"Ay, Essay. You reeally like thees".

Bitches love that shit.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:15, Reply)

we sooo need to hook you up with swipe
the clumsy, desperate sex would be a site to behold, i can imagine attenburgh describing it as an uncoordinated orangutan repeatedly falling off an oily sea cow
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:18, Reply)

ahahaha! you sick bastard.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:22, Reply)

it's like you can see right into our bedroom

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:23, Reply)

i fucken wish

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:26, Reply)

if only you had a longer neck...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:29, Reply)

stoop-id

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:30, Reply)

you're 'avin' a giraffe!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:31, Reply)

Should've done
the Strawberry Cheesecake. Really puts them in their place.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:17, Reply)

One Urban Dictionary search later.
Nice one!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:20, Reply)

and i thought he was just saying words that
sounded like they might eb something nasty
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:22, Reply)

himjim?
no, that is one sick puppy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:24, Reply)

Needs putting down, I reckon.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:27, Reply)

Too right, fat bastard

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:40, Reply)

HEY
I'm just cuddly.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:41, Reply)

So would you say you were more of a bear than an otter?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:44, Reply)

More of a beaver really.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:45, Reply)

bucked toothed, hairy of back and live in a dam
you are some catch
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:54, Reply)

why would you punch a woman during sex? thats really weird and i don't think its right that you should do that
i kinda like the idea of the woman punching me tho, like really hard in the face as she comes
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:33, Reply)

It's unlikely for a rape victim to orgasm

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:34, Reply)

I thought that until I assaulted Quinten's mum.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:35, Reply)

you'd be surprised

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:37, Reply)

More Chompy-isms right here

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:39, Reply)

i'm definitely not him, i'm nobodys comedy account
i don't do comedy, and manolith checked my IP address, so ther
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:41, Reply)

Yeah but with all the roundabouts and cycle paths in Milton Keynes
you might have rerouted your internet
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:42, Reply)

and we all know
his cyclepathic tendencies
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:51, Reply)

You certainly don't.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:45, Reply)

Some women enjoy being hurt during sex
Some women even liked being punched...

They didn't have any of that in "The Joy of Sex". Really surprised me.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:36, Reply)

i have never met any of these woman and hope that i never do
their poor fathers
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:37, Reply)

Naughty joke from Chompy:
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1376735
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Ouch

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:41, Reply)

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Two; one to screw in the light bulb and one to suck my dick.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:49, Reply)

What's the number one cause... etc,

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:52, Reply)

It is something nasty
and I'd never do it to you.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:37, Reply)

actually this valentines day i'm not gonna do anything special for my girlfriend
she always whinges that its a waist of time and i shouldn't bother even tho i do really thughtful an expensive presents but she just gets me shit vouchers and that

so fuck her
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:14, Reply)

already have

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:16, Reply)

well aren't you a trooper?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:16, Reply)

I really am

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 11:17, Reply)