Parents evening
I'm off to my son's parents evening in a minute. I'm looking forward to it as he is very bright and is one of the good kids. It was a different story for my parents. I used to dread their return.
Tell me your hilarious parents evening tales.

Alt: inappropriate things to say to his teacher please (would, by the way)
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:17, 89 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

hello mr and mrs ape, i know we've never met, but i feel i should cut to the chase
but your son is going to fail GCSE latin.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:18, Reply)

'I'd like to do some sex education with you'
this is someting to say to his teacher, not a request
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:19, Reply)

Why do parents always believe their kids are very bright and well behaved?
I bet he's thick as pig shit with his own seat on the sunshine bus.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:19, Reply)

I heard they have to strap him to the roof
In the summer when there are flies about he looks like Garibaldy biscuit by the end
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:20, Reply)

You'd think so
Being my son and all.
But he is genuinely brighter than I could ever dream of being.
And I brung him up proper, so he respects authority.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Your son is Eric cartman

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:53, Reply)

I heard
They fitted special windscreen wipers for him. On the inside.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Ha ha ha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:24, Reply)

nice

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:24, Reply)

I bet I'd want to murder both of them
if I had the misfortune to encounter them at the supermarket. This is true of all parents and children in supermarkets. All of them.
( Kroney, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:23, Reply)

You ought to try commuting to work by train
during half term. I could genuinely see why people become suicide bombers and target public transport.
(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:29, Reply)

Commuting by car during half term is a win. Much less traffic.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:32, Reply)

This^
See also - parking
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:33, Reply)

Commuting by car would involve 50-odd miles of the M40 for me
I doubt it'd be any great deal better or less time consuming during half term.
(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:34, Reply)

In term time the M40 is nose to tail
in half term it's free flowing. Same as the M25. The difference is suprisingly marked.
( Kroney, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:53, Reply)

I have never driven on it in rush hour either way
thankfully - as I'd likely have chewed through my steering wheel in rage and frustration.
(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:58, Reply)

I am not a parent.
My parents evenings were not hilarious.

Alt: "My daddy says he'd totally fuck you in the poo hole"
( Kroney, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:22, Reply)

ALT haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:24, Reply)

i went to my nephewses dance thing the other night
and them being the only boys in the whole thing wasn't the most disturbing thing about it

the most desturbing thing was the 3 teenage housewhales faffing about with ribbons in their leotards, god it was the worst, i thought i was gonna barf when the one in black did a backward roll and exposed her red polka dotted moose hoof
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Excellent application of the criminally underused "moose hoof"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:25, Reply)

i told louise i could see hers a few months back and she has held it against me ever since

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:25, Reply)

Sounds good
Or does she stink like mouldy fishcheese?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:29, Reply)

she a mong

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:29, Reply)

Every hole is a goal Q

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:32, Reply)

some are own goals tho

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:40, Reply)

only if you arse fuck yourself

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:53, Reply)

That can't be appropriate, surely?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:29, Reply)

even worse, when tricky talks to me sometimes he'll stand really close and adjust his privates

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:30, Reply)

Are you in the Army?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:32, Reply)

no but don't mention the uniform i don't want to upset anyone

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:39, Reply)

goddammit
you're over here when i was insulting you over there.

sigh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:33, Reply)

oh soz, link me?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:39, Reply)

you have no neck
there's the gist
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:44, Reply)

dawwwwww

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:48, Reply)

see, if you had a neck, you'd be able to speak properly
without mumbling into your clavicles
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:51, Reply)

and iff...blahblahblahblah

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:59, Reply)

Alt: Spit, swallow or all splattered on your chin?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Mrs Cow is a teacher and frequently has to "spin" bad into good at parents evenings
I was a good kid in school but my French/German teacher refused point blank to speak to me for two years when I didn't take a language

Alt:
So, ARE you good in bed then?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:23, Reply)

Mine were always awful, but I volunteered to help at one when I was in year 11
The night ended with the volunteers having a food fight, after finding 5 trays of sandwiches that were untouched. The look of horror when the teacher caught them doing it was magnificent. I managed to get away with instigating it, as I was out of the room when the teacher arrived.

Alt: "My son informs me that you have touched him in his 'special place' more than once. It seems only fair that I should get to return the favour on you."
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:29, Reply)

Hahaha!
Love the ALT
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:29, Reply)

^ this ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:31, Reply)

Alt.
What sort of "O" levels?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:31, Reply)

Not my own parents evening, but my little sister's
I was acting as her guardian at the time, so thought I had better go. Her french teacher was my old teacher too. So we had a good natter, and then went down the pub together. Class, old school, teacher was Mr Harris.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:32, Reply)

the fiend that taught me latin was called mrs harris
think "life of brian" where the centurions are correcting his grammar as he daubs it on the wall. now make it more terrifying.

i WISH i'd known back then that "mrs harris" is a name for your cunt. how i wish that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:37, Reply)

You are in just about the only proffession that still uses latin.
You should be grateful to her. Then call her a twat.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:41, Reply)

Latine studui schola mihi fuit omnino inutilis.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:43, Reply)

nah
it's very frowned on these days. we're not allowed to use it at all, it's all about plain english.

doctors, maybe.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:44, Reply)

I could have been a lawyer but I never had the latin.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:49, Reply)

I could have been a lawyer but I'm not a cunt

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:51, Reply)

doctors use greek don't they?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:57, Reply)

Greek ones do

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:03, Reply)

looked it up, medicals use greek and latin

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:06, Reply)

i was so in lurrrrrve with my history teacher
and soooo oblivious to the fact that he was gay as a window. some 6th formers volunteered to help at the younger years' parents' evening, and my friend managed to ensure that i got him. he was happy to see me, i spent the night in 7th heaven, all was well.

i pushed my luck with the next one. he KNEW i'd asked to look after him. barely spoke to me all evening. it was utterly cringeworthy.

my own were awesome as a well-behaved child, horrific as a naughty teenager. i used to schedule them to get the 3 latin teachers out of the way first (she's a devil child who will fail everything) then the 3 history teachers (she'll get an A no problem but she does fuck-all work), then the 3 english teachers (we love her, she's a genius, latin can go fuck-us itself-us up the anus).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:36, Reply)

well, that's 2 mins of your life that ain't never coming back
sorry about that
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:36, Reply)

its ok, i think in most cases it was tl:dr

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:49, Reply)

At my first parent's evening of senior school
my dad got pissed on the free wine and called my history teacher a cunt. Happy days.
(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:36, Reply)

how are you?????????????????

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:38, Reply)

Knackered and ill mostly
how about you?
(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:41, Reply)

tired and about to go and do the trainee's appraisal
i am in the worst mood ever. feel sorry for her!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:44, Reply)

Is this the one that sounds like a consumptive?

(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:47, Reply)

YUP

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:50, Reply)

Hahaha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:38, Reply)

THIS WINS

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:39, Reply)

It was his first term as a newly qualified teacher as well.

(berk, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:43, Reply)

Apparently after ny brother died I told my teacher my mom had another baby
Took a photo in with me too, it was of me and a doll
i totally forgot about that
im surprised im fairly normal, thinking about that
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:47, Reply)

That is epically sad : (

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 16:50, Reply)

Referrring to something as epic makes you an almighty prick
also I wasn't around, but am I the only poster to think that Jessies bloke seems to have moved on pretty quick what with her tragic death and all that. I'm sure it's what she would have wanted, only I hope the insurance payout covered the emotional distress etc etc
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:04, Reply)

i think that was covered when he announced his engagement
reckon he's on the rebound and the marriage is destined to fail, epically
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:07, Reply)

Oh I missed that controvesy, what sortof prick announces to a board that he never really uses that he's engaged
must've been still riding the choo choo Jessie grieftrain. He's always moaning about failed marriages, you'd think he'd have learnt his lesson by now.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:12, Reply)

some people never do
i think it was when he posted something about a guitar
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:13, Reply)

I shall as ever respond to your points in other:
1: I felt in this instance the traditional; meaning of the word "epic" could be stratched to cover the immense sadness that the death of a child brings.

1.1: i am a prick for many other reasons

2:Yes, however he has addressed this and his points of view did seem valid

3: fuck you
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:09, Reply)

How the fuck are you going to teach your kid basic numeracy, let alone spelling
COULD I HAVE A LINK PLEASE AS I DON@T LIVE ON THE BOARD AND PRESS F5 ALL DAY WITH MY CHUBBY PAW
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:15, Reply)

I see nothing numerically incorrect here
neither do I you impotent ball of blubbery rage, use the search function it was ages.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:18, Reply)

What words will elicit the best results ?
I was thinking 'Dead Jessie Two Weeks engaged'
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:23, Reply)

I suspect the result of that would be the naughty step

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:25, Reply)

sorry for always being better than you
x
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:26, Reply)

I forgive you all your sins my child

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:27, Reply)

heego
b3ta.com/questions/heroes2011/post1483909
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:25, Reply)

Cool, sweet
lashings of self pity there. Hopefully marriage fourteeth time round will work out
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:29, Reply)

Jimmy Bullard was in the same bar as me.
I called him a wanker. Honestly today has been fantastic.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:14, Reply)

who?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:18, Reply)

A footballer who used to play for Fulham and is a massive, massive, massive cunt.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:20, Reply)

of course he is, he is a footballer...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:21, Reply)

Footballers are cunts yes.
But Jimmy Bullard is off the scale compared to the rest.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:23, Reply)

all out war, i'm sure

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:21, Reply)

Alt:
Bumming an ox: illegal, or just frowned upon?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 18:10, Reply)

not a popular pastime, certainly
but market it right and you should be OK
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 18:12, Reply)

alt:
offer sex for good grades or something
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 18:12, Reply)

"Please, please, get him into Oxford and I'll eat you out like you've never been eaten out before"?

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 18:23, Reply)