Thread too long
What's the best thing about your job?

ALt: what's the worst thing about your job?

Alt alt: Why do birds sing SO GAY?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:12, 116 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

arsing about
alt: paperwork
altalt: because they are FABULOUS

hope this helps
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:15, Reply)

Hugely, thanks.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:16, Reply)

I also like lying to students

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

Not much is expected of me. The people are good.
Alt: Everything else.
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:16, Reply)

Aim low to avoid disappointment.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:32, Reply)

Nothing
nothing
Probably Obamas fault.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:19, Reply)

best thing is i have alot of freedom
worst thing is other people

cos they tracheas are smaller than blokes, so they don't have as good range
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:20, Reply)

Great thread as ever boyce.
Answer your own damn questions.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:25, Reply)

I watched that 8 out of ten cats thing last night.
There was a fat bender off 'The Voice' on there. I was nearly sick when I worked out that it was a bloke.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

because you'd been choking your turkey for 7 minutes by then

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:31, Reply)

My sitting-room looked like Bernard Matthews' death chamber.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:33, Reply)

It's like Boy George all over again.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:31, Reply)

Why have you not bucked your ideas up? Cut your hair, get a real job and embrace reality.
Before it's too late.
(MAX Degrees Bring your Own Balaclava, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:28, Reply)

What I should get, right, is a lolarious comedy account.
Then I'd be OK.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:29, Reply)

it's the safe alternative to
DYAAKY
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:30, Reply)

What you should do is sell your vinyl and stash and buy some brogues and a suit and get a real job .
(MAX Degrees Bring your Own Balaclava, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:36, Reply)

Call yourself a therapist?
How would that possibly help?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:41, Reply)

Hay man. Look at from your end..... If minty is bunging, then you can take it off his hands.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:32, Reply)

I get to piss about all day and am VERY SENIOR. My staff are nice people.
My boss is a cunt and my office is an hour from my home.

Alt alt: because if they sang like chaps it would be a bit fucking weird
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:32, Reply)

I am the KIng Daddy having served my term as a drone.
I am a beacon of excellence in a sea of indifference and so it's not hard to look good.

I get to be a cunt to people who deserve it.

Alt: 5 days a week.

Alt alt: Who doesn't like a lesbian?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:37, Reply)

My dad, apparently.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)

I (generally) enjoy the work I do
it's always interesting; there's always something to learn. Conversely, however, I seem to have the misfortune to be employed by a string of raging lunatics and their inconsistent behaviour, rampant OCD, undiagnosed Aspergers and blame complexes (complices?) genuinely make me want to do a Columbine occasionally. Like, for instance, most of this week.
(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:32, Reply)

And you've got that scatty bird what brings in cakes.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:33, Reply)

Una Stubbs?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:34, Reply)

No, the other one.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:37, Reply)

Sometimes cake is the only redeeming feature of the working day.

(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:39, Reply)

Don't forget ALCOHOL.
The worker's friend.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:43, Reply)

lucky for you we gotta therapist indahizouse

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:34, Reply)

Have you ever displayed violent tendencies before?

(MAX Degrees Bring your Own Balaclava, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:37, Reply)

I once had to be physically restrained from clawing someone's face off
because I had read his diary, which was full of extremely disturbing rape fantasties involving yours truly. And before you ask, no, I didn't steal it - he'd put it in my bag for my to read. He was a strange boy.
(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:43, Reply)

...and then, dear reader, I married him

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:44, Reply)

what
the
fuck
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:45, Reply)

It's alright
We're friends again now.
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:46, Reply)

I expect your diary would be filled with stories about Q giving you the power to make women find you attractive

(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:48, Reply)

He's a pan-dimensional being with near-infinite power
not a WIZARD
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

well gee thanks, i does my best

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:53, Reply)

Oh come on, you of all people must know what a rape fantasy is.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:47, Reply)

Of course I do, the clue is in the name.
However any fantasy about someone shouldn't be thrust upon them without their consent.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:49, Reply)

Unless it's a rape fantasy?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:50, Reply)

Even rape fantasies Stunned.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

I don't understand how he thought
berk was supposed to rape him.

From the sounds of it, she didn't even like him that much.
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

I have said this about someone before
but it works equally as well in this case: I'd rather have cauterised my foof with a red hot rusty poker. He stalked me for a bit in a hilariously emo fashion as well. It was so pathetic it wasn't even scary.
(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:53, Reply)

didn't you try and do that
foof cauterising thing once?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:55, Reply)

No. I burnt my hand on the cooker.

(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:56, Reply)

no, you've misremembered, there
it was your foof. definitely. I read it on here
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)

He would have made a shit rapist then.
You've got to be scary and everything.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:55, Reply)

Yes
I was rather horrified and extremely angry.
(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:52, Reply)

You do seem to attract the more mental types of men.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:54, Reply)

In hindsight, there has been more than a fair share and percentage
of 'what the fuck was I thinking?'
(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:00, Reply)

Chin up, we're not all cunts.
I am obviously, but I know some blokes who are alright.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:06, Reply)

Angry enough to rape him?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:54, Reply)

He should be so lucky
and I rather think in his head it would have been the other way round.
(berk, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:55, Reply)

I know, berk.
You can't rape a dick anyway.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:57, Reply)

It's almost as though she didn't spot
the use of intentional misinterpretation for the sake of humour.
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)

Well, I raped you that time...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)

You certainly know how to pick them.
Who the fuck writes down their rape fantasies?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:45, Reply)

Stephenie Meyer

(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:46, Reply)

very good

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:47, Reply)

*golf claps*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:48, Reply)

Excellent.
Have you got her phone number?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:49, Reply)

978-1904233657
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

Being able to work from home
Alt: Working from home
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:35, Reply)

Working from home the constant wanking which has left my knob a withered stump
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:38, Reply)

That goes without saying

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:38, Reply)

discouunt
Alt the dm
alt alt because glee
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:40, Reply)

that orbit thing loooks a bit shit
they should make their money back by getting a chewing gum sponsorship deal and turning it into a helter skelter
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:41, Reply)

The large paycheque and nice office
alt: so far I'm struggling to navigate the labyrinthine security requirements in order to get my PC set up correctly. Which in turn means I can't do much, and am consequently bored.

Edit: and Berk has just reminded me, free cakes on Friday.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:45, Reply)

the old best thing/wors thing cop-out eh?
must be friday. ok i'll bite.

best: do-goody nature allows for slight offset of my asshole footprint.

worst: tossup between the commute, and the fact i'm currently doing one and a half people's jobs, while sweeping the metaphorical floor with an equally metaphorical broom clenched firmly in my metaphorical sphincter.

Alt Alt: revenge for the 'why do birds suddenly appear' song. admittedly, rather prescient of them.

Genuine alt alt: much like whales, we attribute too much human sentiment to the noise they are making. in reality, if you could translate, it's a delightful mix of 'will fuck for nesting materials' 'have nest will fuck' and 'are you lookin at ma fuckin LAWN pal? eh? eh?
sparrows i imagine to be shouting 'OO ARE YA? OOO ARE YA???' then breaking off into 'FUCKIN GET HIM HARRY! PUT THE FUCKING BEAK IN SON! BREAK HIS FUCKIN WINGS MATE! QPR! QPR! the little feathery cunts.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

Typical bird hater.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:53, Reply)

don't kid yourself
those feathery little dinosaurs are one opposable digit away from decimating us. we've all seen 'the birds' we know what they're capable of. i say we start with robins, garrotte the little cunts, hang em on lamp-posts as a warning. cheerful little red-breasted bastards. show em we mean business like.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:55, Reply)

I've tried roaming round the streets of a friday evening
begging for sex in exchange for nesting materials. Didn't work on humans. Worked on birds - got a couple of good shags, but then took a tern for the worst. Felt a bit of a tit, though
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:58, Reply)

after a while
I realised I had more custom than I could handle and had to employ a wren-t boy
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:02, Reply)

someone
validate me

i just need a little lol
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:04, Reply)

a teeny tiny
bit of attention

that's all I require
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:05, Reply)

for my little
jokettes
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:06, Reply)

fine
see if I care
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)

sterling work on the wren-t boy
i tried to sneakily grope some tits once. they weren't that gull-ible though.
but one of them let me have a gander.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)

all this rent boy talk's got me a right stork-on

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)

i can hear you puffin

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:14, Reply)

Nope, sorry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)

fuck you boyce
the bluenamer dude is cooler than you
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)

he should take an overdose of heron!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)

i think he's already
dunnet
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:14, Reply)

i hope he used a dirty need-owl

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:19, Reply)

The 7th level of hell is cooler than me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:13, Reply)

Doing very little.
Having to talk to crettins.
Because they're pretty.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 May 2012, 16:51, Reply)

Hahahaha "crettins".

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:53, Reply)

is that what they call stupid critters?
in the movie snese, not the more generic 'small creature i don't have a name for' sense.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:56, Reply)

The lesser known, stupider variant
of Norse giant.
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 16:57, Reply)

I am wasted on you Neanderthals

( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:20, Reply)

I should get this but don't. I am embarrassed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:22, Reply)

google 'ettins'

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)

i got it kroney i just didn't think it was very good

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:24, Reply)

Oh man, that's just harsh.
What did I do to you? No, no it's nothing. I've just got something in my eye. They're just watering. I'm just going to go...very important business.
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:26, Reply)

i'm just joshing, your alright

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:27, Reply)

I thank yew...

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 May 2012, 17:07, Reply)

This made me angry
www.wired.com/dangerroom/2012/05/total-war-islam/?pid=1196
fucking bad as each other.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:01, Reply)

yeah bloody muslims, they're all as bad as that one general who said america should do a hiroshima in a class he was teaching
do some research on your stories before you get wound up next time psychochomp, ffs
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:07, Reply)

Best: developing new products; lab work; production trials.
Worst: knowing the majority of my work will probably go nowhere apart from the archive; having to deal with sales staff whose competence varies from "a bit slow on the ball" to "couldn't find their own arses with a GPS".
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:15, Reply)

Wine
classier in a pint glass or straight from teh bottle?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:15, Reply)

Psst.
Tramp's shoe, every time. Be sure to sniff the laces first though - makes it look like you know what you're doing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:16, Reply)

a friend told me at the weekend
that wehn I was first going out with the twat who was later by husband, he pissed in said twat's shoes.

Friends always know what's best
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:18, Reply)

You cannot beat a good shoe-piss.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)

but you can beat someone to death with a piss filled shoe

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:26, Reply)

I know this from personal experience.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:38, Reply)

Tell you what,
the bash attendees list is basically a fricken Who's Who of fucken A-1 stand-up guys, man.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:16, Reply)

has someone signed me up with a fake account, then?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)

I clicked the wrong button
soz
( Kroney, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:18, Reply)

The old 'sorry love, wrong button', eh?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:19, Reply)

We've all made that "mistake".

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)

I've just signed up,
so it has become a bash to be seen at. I'm fricken ACE me.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 May 2012, 17:22, Reply)

Fucken A, dude.
AWESOMMMMMEEEEE!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)

*High 5s*

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 May 2012, 17:27, Reply)

Will the pre-bash lunch
Be an exclusive event?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:32, Reply)

Very, very exclusive.
Very, very exclusive INDEED.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:36, Reply)

I get to leave at 3pm on a Friday
And no one seems to have noticed that I don't do much.

Alt: I have to keep going there.

Alt alt: For the same reason that fools fall in love.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 11 May 2012, 17:55, Reply)