If you were to stand for Parliament what would your manifesto be?
Alt: what's the domestic task you hate the most?

AltAlt: Most disgusting item you've ever had in your mouth?*

*Other than a part of my parents anatomy obviously.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:27, 103 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I'm a cunt but not a big enough cunt to ever consider standing for parliament
Alt. Hoovering, its fucking noisy and gives me a headache. I now have OAK FLOORBOARDS and just use a nice quiet brush.

Alt Alt. The Mars bar I ate out of Sallys front bum. It was all melted and chocolate nougat fanny juice is not nice.

I'm having Pate and crusty bread, thanks for asking.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:33, Reply)

I've had pate and crackers and now I feel most ill
Too much pate
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:36, Reply)

At least it's not pate and fanny juice

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:38, Reply)

Thank heavens for small mercies
Do I go to the pub and have a pint in the sun?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:41, Reply)

Depends
If its a pint of fanny juice, cider or lager then no, if its a nice manly pint of dark ale then yes.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:43, Reply)

No
Have two.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:44, Reply)

Do it properly.
two eight.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:45, Reply)

Oh fuck that.
I couldn't organise a meowing in a cattery, let alone run a country.

alt: cleaning the bathroom. I have a deal with my housemate, I do the kitchen / dishes, he does the bathroom.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:41, Reply)

I'd say 'No fat chicks', but we all know that's not true.
Alt: Washing up, due to having had bad skin on my hands for years. Gloves just make my hands feel horrible, so that's not much better.

Alt Alt: Liver.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:42, Reply)

Everyone secretly wants to have a fat chick at some point.
And those people with fat chicks occasionally wish they could have a skinny bird.

I was actually thinking a little while ago, that I've never slept with a really skinny person. I've fingered a couple, but never gone all the way.
( Bazongaloid, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:46, Reply)

So you're saying that skinny girls have better taste in blokes than fat girls?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:47, Reply)

There was one really skinny girl I got with
Must admit, wasn't the best, I felt like I had to be gentle, or I'd break her.

Then again, she was only 5.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:48, Reply)

* resists temptation to call you someone else's user name *

I don't want to be stepped again.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:50, Reply)

I bet she was Mad
+die
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:02, Reply)

Fat chicks are like mopeds

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:53, Reply)

Not allowed on motorways?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:56, Reply)

that's the one

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:58, Reply)

The upside to fat chicks is that everything feels like tits

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:59, Reply)

Slap the thigh and ride in on the waves

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:01, Reply)

Cover her in flour and fuck the wet bit

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:01, Reply)

"Fucked her, rolled over twice, was still on the bitch"

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:04, Reply)

"Hey love, fart and give 'us a clue"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:04, Reply)

Ask her to fart to give you a clue.
Fucksticks.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:04, Reply)

Haha, gutted

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:05, Reply)

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 13:06 to ZING will de departing shortly

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:06, Reply)

"Like shagging a well stuffed Chesterfield sofa"

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 May 2012, 13:21, Reply)

Fat birds put the effort into it
Skinny ones do not
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:04, Reply)

This is true

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:05, Reply)

I also agree
The best head I ever got was off a fat bird, it was first thing in the morning after a night out too and she didn't batter an eyelid, top lass, the girl I was with before was an "ok but wash it first" type. Mind you both were better than what I ended up with.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:06, Reply)

I can recall two of the curvier ladies that have visited my sports-shed
were very enthusiastic
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:08, Reply)

I'd have asked her out if she wasn't fat
Instead I just never saw her again.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:11, Reply)

I think I also did this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:12, Reply)

Shagging a really skinny lass...
...is like trying to hump a bag full of elbows. A little bit of padding makes everything more comfortable.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 May 2012, 13:23, Reply)

I'm no expert
But it sounds to me as though you are doing it wrong.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:25, Reply)

Obviously I've never *actually* humped a bag full of elbows

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 May 2012, 13:26, Reply)

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:31, Reply)

One of my exes was a size 6.
She was proper Auchwitz '45 build. It wasn't great.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:57, Reply)

'Ein reich, ein volk, Einstein a-go-go'
Alt: cleaning. I fucking hate it.

Alt alt: quiche
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:48, Reply)

'Ein reich, ein volk, Einstein a-go-go'
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Ein reich, ein volk, Einstein a-go-go
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:57, Reply)

Thanks for that, Phil. Seriously, thanks.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:56, Reply)

I'd stand on a generally libertarian ticket.
With public beatings for wrong doers. An example would be, if you kill your parents, you get a bit of a talking to, but generally let off. Kill a random passer by, and you get shot in the face during peak viewing times.

Vote for me.

Alt Alt: Artichokes, what a waste of time, I'd shoot every one of them.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:55, Reply)

Manifesto
Cut banker's bonuses unless they have actually added REAL value to the economy - if they whinge 'We'll leave' - get it in writing! If they've not fucked off in three months, shoot the cunts.
Alt. mowing the lawn
AltAlt. Quiche. Frickin' disgusting.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:55, Reply)

nobody does it better
alt: i hate descaling my shower heador anything to do with removing insects.

altalt: i once slept with this rank guy who seemed allergic to showers. but still expected all sorts of sexual favours. and the concept of trimming his pubes was clearly lost on him, it was like foraging through a sweaty afro rug. with your tongue.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 12:59, Reply)

Is it an expensive shower head?
Because we just chuck it and buy a new one. Mind you in Pastyland theres very little scale and our taps and kettles remain perfect for years.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:00, Reply)

in london?
i'd be buying a new showerhead a week!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:09, Reply)

Yeh but they aren't expencive are they
Not compared to a posh salad, got to be better than de-scaling? Come on, what's your time worth!
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:12, Reply)

well i just pay the cleaner to do it
does that count?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:14, Reply)

I'm not allowed to hire a cleaner
Apparently they are all so poor that they will nick everything when you're at work.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:15, Reply)

The fellatio?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:15, Reply)

Yeah, sorry about that.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:00, Reply)

^Best insult EVAAAAAAA^

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:02, Reply)

So, are you a mod now, Rory?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:03, Reply)

Gaz rob 'Lyon 4 mod'
He'll crack eventually
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:05, Reply)

I hope so.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:05, Reply)

alt alt
Not being funny but you saw the mess he was in and still sucked him off? Fucking hell I am religious when it comes to trimming and staying fresh down there just in case just maybe I get lucky and it still never fucking happens.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:02, Reply)

i didn't necessarily say i DID
i said he EXPECTED it... i think i offered him a clean towel and pointed out the bathroom THREE TIMES.... each time to be met with a blank look and a "no thanks".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:08, Reply)

You bloody did too!
You said it was like foraging through a sweaty afro rug. with your tongue.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:13, Reply)

with "YOUR" tongue
not mine
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:13, Reply)

Correct usage would be "ones" tongue

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:14, Reply)

Look will you just shut up and suck me off already!

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:16, Reply)

If that's your best chat up line, no wonder your wife won't sleep with you.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:29, Reply)

I shouldn't have to chat up my wife
I married her, I demand my conjugal rights
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:37, Reply)

And how well does that work out for you?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:37, Reply)

Dunno but I feel just great that my marriage is going down the pan
Bring it up some more why don't you.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:41, Reply)

Sorry, shall stop now

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:44, Reply)

Good, I would hate to have to post your phone number on 4chan

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:47, Reply)

is it ok for me to remind you that your marriage is falling apart
or is it just AA?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:54, Reply)

I think its that I expected better from AA

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:57, Reply)

i think we all did
i hope that if he ever gets married his marriage falls apart just so he sees what it's like
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 24 May 2012, 14:03, Reply)

and i hope that when he dies and goes to heaven
his mum is at the gates shaking her head at him slowly

(while you ghost-fuck her up the arse from behind)
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 24 May 2012, 14:04, Reply)

Make sure you have her fully insured before any accidents happen yeah?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:44, Reply)

Shes fully insured ;) Its going in to trust on the 30th then I will go for a nice long walk along the cliff tops

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:47, Reply)

*points at nose*

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:49, Reply)

Then party at mine
I'm going to get the kids to carry trays of cocaine around
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 14:00, Reply)

AltAlt: Um...why?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:04, Reply)

FOR FUCKS SAKE SWIPE SOME OF US JUST HAD LUNCH
soz, left caps on there, but why would you plough on with all that and not just fucking say you had a problem with it?

are you some sort of prick?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:45, Reply)

this does make it sound like it was you
for the record, all, it was most definitely NOT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:54, Reply)

why are you implying you sucked my cock?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 24 May 2012, 14:03, Reply)

"Simple solutions to Complex problems"
Alt: Ironing can get to fuck.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:03, Reply)

I refuse to iron. If things are washed and dried correctly no ironing is required
if you are going to worry about creases hang it. I haven't ironed in years and the last time was probably to put some stupid transfer on to a stupid tshirt
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:04, Reply)

This may be why the glove doesn't put out, you wrinkly cunt

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:07, Reply)

The gloves a fucking cheating whore and can fuck off

( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:13, Reply)

Well, if you ironed your shirt and let your pubes grow, you might get a blowie.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:08, Reply)

Do you have to dress smartly for work?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:08, Reply)

Nope
I'm past that stage, its great for years I was tied to a suit and tie but eventually you get far up enough in the pecking order that you can go back to jeans and a tshirt. Also I never ironed shirts, I washed and dried them correctly and then hung them crease free until I needed them.
( Peej, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:09, Reply)

That's fairly unusual
the further up I get the more I have to dress smartly. And I don't know of any decent shirt manufacturer that makes non-iron shirts, sadly.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:50, Reply)

Thomas Pink do.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:54, Reply)

Ta.

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 24 May 2012, 14:17, Reply)

He's the other side of the Tamar, If he wears wellies, he's smartly dressed.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:10, Reply)

I tend to look for the words "wrinkle-free" or "non-iron" when buying shirts
I just need more upmarket shirt manufacturers than Jeff&Co or George at Asda to get on board.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:14, Reply)

Big beats are the best, get high all the time.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:03, Reply)

Public crucifixion, to be aired weekly after the lottery.
Mark Thomas suggested this, and some Tories agreed with him.
Alt, general cleaning. And I refuse to iron.
Alt/alt, has "Your mum" been said yet?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 24 May 2012, 13:14, Reply)

Hmmm....
Repeal the Deed Poll laws and round up everyone who's first name is "Stacy" or "Jordan" and lock them up in a concentration camp together with everyone caught owning a Staffordshire Terrier. Anyone who voted Tory in 1997, or Labour in 2001 or 2005 will be denied the opportunity to ever vote again because they're clearly a fuckwit.

Oh and the chairman of Southeastern Trains will be the guest of honour at the innaugural annual public bollock-kicking festival.

Alt: Mowing the lawn.

Alt Alt: A tuna vol-au-vent which I nibbled on in error.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 May 2012, 13:16, Reply)

What would have been the correct way to vote at these three elections?
Please show your working.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:28, Reply)

Not Tory in 1997 or Labour in 2001/2005 - Pay attention in class.

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 May 2012, 13:31, Reply)

You are not offering an alternative
Or showing your working.
0/10 - See me.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:39, Reply)

Aw, but he was excellent in American History X!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:30, Reply)

Fuck off, I used to have a rescue Staffie
she was brilliant.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:45, Reply)

the guy likes cats
give him a break
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:53, Reply)

I think a sensible approach might be
When employing a panel of experts to review policies, actually take the advice given and implement their recommendations, then allow them to run their course. Do not add any idealogical or public-appeasing amendments.

Alt: I employ others to take care of domestic tasks that I do not wish to get involved in.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:32, Reply)

I'd immediately re-employ David Nutt
As it seems he's the only one with a fucking brain when it comes to drug policies.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:34, Reply)

Mental, tangles
it'll never work, that kind of sense.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:44, Reply)

"fuck the world" seems a good manifesto
Alt: I don't really mind any of them, I'd just rather do something else

AltAlt: It'll take something quite special to beat sea urchin.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:44, Reply)