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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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How much time online is too much? Given you all piss about on here every day, you’re probably amongst the heavier internet users (also because you’re a fat shut-in hahahahahaha !!!!1111!!!!), but how much time online is too much? Is it bad for your mental health to spend too much time on the internet?

Alt: I am on my own at home for the next two weeks and I don’t want to be out every night, please give me some interesting suggestions for entertaining myself to prevent boredom (other than wanking, reading, drinking, watching TV, having sex with a family member etc.)

AltAlt: Leverson enquiry recommendations; what do you think the outcomes will be?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:08, 162 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Sympathy reply

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:15, Reply)

Alt: invite a couple of incompetant burglars round for some hilarious adventures.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:18, Reply)
Afternoon
I had the morning off, bit of a lie-in, caught up on some telly. Very little pissing about on the internet.

Have I missed anything so far today?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:18, Reply)
Watch the Miniseries of battlestar gallactica.
Watch the Wire
Make some homebrew
You could probably get a bunch of Christmas food ready about now.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:18, Reply)
Christmas food is a good idea. Ta.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:19, Reply)
You'll only eat it instead of storing it.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:20, Reply)
He is a fat tounged spastic
but this is a great gravy recipe.
www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/other-recipes/get-ahead-gravy
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:23, Reply)
I like gravy
but when I think about making it I always get upset about having to mash up then throw away all those vegetables
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:25, Reply)
Blitz them up and make a soup you lazy twat.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:27, Reply)
have I not just boiled all the flavour out into my gravy?
Jamie is never this agressive on television :(
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:52, Reply)
I like the look of that.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:26, Reply)
I made a cracking onion gravy once
took about 45 minutes, though, so subsequently I have decided to settle for merely adequate gravy from granules.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:29, Reply)

'adequate gravy from granules' = you can take the bloke out of Birmingham...
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:30, Reply)
Gravy is a drink in Birmingham.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:36, Reply)
Drunk through a cheese straw

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:38, Reply)
I just do it while the meat's resting and the yorkshires are in.
Never taken me 45 mins.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:31, Reply)
It was a pretty elaborate recipe
I think the onions were cooked very slowly or something.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:41, Reply)
Slow cooking onions makes them taste absolutely amazing

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:42, Reply)
found the recipe
5 minutes initial prep, 40 minutes attended cooking (no sloping off for 20 minutes to watch a show)

1 onion, halved and thinly sliced. (I used 3/4 as it looked like a lot, if I'd used it all this would have done 2 servings instead of 1 huge serving)
1 tbsp vegetable oil and a little butter for frying

1 rounded tbsp of flour
1/2 pint of vegetable stock
1/2 a glass of wine (white or red, I used white)
Pick either a healthy glug of balsamic vinegar or a healthy glug of Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp basil
1 tsp marjoram
optional 1tsp paprika
next time 1 clove chopped garlic

Fry the onion in the oil and butter at a lowish heat until nicely browned - this took about 20 minutes for me. I monitored them fairly closely as I was worried I'd over- or under-do them but if you know what you're doing...

Sprinkle on the flour and stir in - I didn't think there would be enough liquid for this step but there was.

Pour on about half the stock, stirring well.

Add the wine and the balsamic or Worcestershire - I added both and it was bit much.

Sprinkle on some basil and marjoram - not much - and maybe some paprika. I also intend to add a clove of chopped garlic here next time.

Simmer and gradually add remainder of stock over 5 minutes. I also added some freshly ground pepper at this point.

Simmer and reduce by 1/3 over next 5-10 minutes.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:06, Reply)
+ pour into a pint glass and garnish with a small umbrella

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:23, Reply)
I ain't just sayin' this, but Telma chicken stock cubes are the best powdered stock you can get, I reckon.
Jamie's "15 minutes" book is one of the best cook books I've ever had, i've cooked about 5 things from it over the last couple of weeks and they're all really good.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:09, Reply)
Experiment recipe wise
Find some new dishes to cook for when the family return
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:39, Reply)
I hope everybody has started boiling their sprouts

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:23, Reply)
I've got my thermal underwear on, yes.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:24, Reply)
Spend some quality time with your shed.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:20, Reply)
That is a given.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:21, Reply)
Or see if Santa needs any helpers at his grotto.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:21, Reply)
Alt: Get stoned and listen to some records.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:21, Reply)
Don't do drugs.
Anymore.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:22, Reply)
That's what you told Jackie.
Then it turned out you were lying.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:26, Reply)
I don't understand this.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:29, Reply)
*click*

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:32, Reply)
it's cool, I get to spend time with my best friend Jeeves

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:22, Reply)
i don't spend nearly as much time online as i used to
Alt cleaning and other diy projects
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:23, Reply)
I'm up to date with what needs doing at home, otherwise that would be a good use of time.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:25, Reply)
go out drinking then
Who gives a fuck
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:28, Reply)
Something's been bugging me all day.
This concealed recording device I just found under my desk.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:30, Reply)
Please die.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:46, Reply)
DYAAKY

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:58, Reply)
build a rocket powered space suit

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:33, Reply)
this^

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:38, Reply)
alt: hack off your penis with a rusty penknife
then cook and eat it.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:42, Reply)
Is that what Enzyme did?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:43, Reply)
Yes.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:44, Reply)
Seems he wasn't as ok with sleeping with his sister as he thought he might be.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:45, Reply)
I'm a mere novice in this "make up shit about folks on the internet" lark
but aren't you confusing him with Bert?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:03, Reply)
Enzyme acted as an advocate for Bert.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:05, Reply)
He did it just after his wedding to Crackers.
She was furious and had the marriage annulled.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:45, Reply)
It's his Meiew Years Resolution

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:44, Reply)
1:buy a rack
2:stretch yourself
3: wait for your bones to fill in the gaps
4: ??????
5: profit
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:49, Reply)
raise, slaughter, butcher and cook a sheep

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:50, Reply)
In 2 weeks?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:51, Reply)
badger will sort you out with some stem cells

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:51, Reply)
A hamster?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:51, Reply)
smeared in glue and rolled in a pensioner's pubes

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:53, Reply)
sexay

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:54, Reply)
film an erotic fan fiction sequel to hit '80s fantasy film "Willow"

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:51, Reply)
hahahahahaha!

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:51, Reply)
fuckin love that movie, I hope the BBC have it on after the queens speech

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:53, Reply)
I honestly dont think I've seen it

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:54, Reply)
it's brilliant

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:55, Reply)
snort 20 grams of meow meow and spend two weeks fucking the cat

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:55, Reply)
This is the only option which is to be considered
especially with all this uproar in Germany about re-banning bestiality.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:00, Reply)
My wife is fat.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:55, Reply)
Emvee told me this.
It made him look really good on the internet.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:01, Reply)
It could have been worse
he could have been photographing lego stormtroopers sticking out of some poor bint's mimsy.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:02, Reply)
sorry, wot?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:03, Reply)
NSFW
ileftmytoysout.tumblr.com/
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:04, Reply)
You might want to label that NSFW

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:07, Reply)
You might want to label it NSFA.
Although my post above should pretty much make that clear.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:07, Reply)
I can't even make it a proper link :(
But you are right.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:07, Reply)
I may not open that at work...

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:07, Reply)
Save it for when Mrs Ape goes out and you are having some "me time"

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:08, Reply)
best not, old chap. best not.
It'd be hugely embarrasing to pick up a written warning for such rubbish porn.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:09, Reply)
Was the thing he left them out of his pram by any chance?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:10, Reply)
NO ACTUALLY HE HAS A BRILLIANT LIFE AND MAKES FILMS THAT WIN AWARDS AND THAT

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:14, Reply)
Also, your wife is fat.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:14, Reply)
Hahahaha

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:20, Reply)
textbook

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:26, Reply)
Perfect technique there and it's just carried away to the boundary there Henry, no effort at all, he just waited for that one and then played it beautifully.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:36, Reply)
He has a tumblr.
"I left my toys out" - supposedly erotic photos involving, I dunno, toys and cartoon characters and that.

The first time he was being trolled for it, months ago, I had a look, genuinely unaware of how odd it might be, and third picture down from the top was a lego figure poking out of a set of shaved labia. As, I believe, you do.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:05, Reply)
obvs!

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:07, Reply)
I tell you, when I can never find my limited edition lego imperial guard
the first place I look is up the wife's vajoo.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:09, Reply)
It's blocked on my phone, but I'll have a look later.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:08, Reply)
is your phone bent?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:09, Reply)
What a loser
Lego isn't even in my top ten favourites
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:16, Reply)
or what YM calls "friday night"

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:18, Reply)
She's more a meccano woman.
especially now.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:21, Reply)
My hair is orange

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:01, Reply)
You horrible troll.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:01, Reply)
horrible *misogynist* troll

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:04, Reply)
So your story is that your wife is fat.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:02, Reply)
LIES on the internet

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:02, Reply)
Oh man, you've been exposed !

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:12, Reply)
i remember when i thought you were a bird
that was a long time ago
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:17, Reply)
i liked it when everyone thought chompy was a girl

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:28, Reply)

a girl dead

me too
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:33, Reply)
Altalt: some tedious recommendations. That's it.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:02, Reply)
LIKE THIS THREAD!!

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:02, Reply)
LIKE YOUR LIFE!!!!

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:06, Reply)
I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND THAT TO ANYONE!!!

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:09, Reply)
Good afternoon internets.
Online time depends. If you're lucky enouigh to have a job entailing sitting on your arse behind a pc good luck to you
Alt do you have a hobby? If not I suggest fishing you can still sit around but you have the bonus of someting to kill and eat.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:05, Reply)
Or murdering prostitutes

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:05, Reply)
Battered at the weekend:

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:07, Reply)
in general, unless you're using it for booking cinema tickets or flights etc, any time online could be better spent elsewhere
but this isn't possible at work, so you lot are my dirty little "keep me sane between files" life savers.

alt: crochet. you could make your very own greggs hat. i think candy pink wool with a baby blue trim would look perfectly darling on you.

altalt: GHDs for rebekah, and a dictionary/bible so she can learn to spell REBECCA.

serious suggestion: go through all your photographs and make a nice collage for your wife to frame or something
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:14, Reply)
You know it's spelt Rebekah in the Bible, right?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:16, Reply)
i am more worried as to how you know that
i've spent the last (er, 21? 25? something like that) years avoiding the bible, tbh
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:17, Reply)
Because that's where the name comes from.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:21, Reply)
Crochet sounds a viable option.
Apparently knitting is meant to be cool but I thhink it seems a bit girlie. Or am I being sexist?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:18, Reply)
i suck at knitting
i end up so irate with it that i just want to stick the needles in someone's eyes
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:18, Reply)
also, help my non-logical brain out here
the team wants to do secret santa. but 1 of us is leaving, so there will be an odd number. in my head, this means someone will be left out, but the juniors looked at me as if i were really fucking thick for thinking that it works in pairs. argh.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:19, Reply)
They are correct, you are.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:19, Reply)
but.... HOW?
if you have a, b and c, and a and b end up buying for each other, that means c has to buy for himself?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:20, Reply)
*sigh*
a buys for b, b buys for c and c buys for...?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:20, Reply)
yes but you put the names in a hat, what if a and b draw each other, just leaving c?
it makes my brain bleed
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:26, Reply)
What if you draw YOURSELF? OMFG111!!!!!

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:27, Reply)
She can't set the time on her own clocks, you know.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:28, Reply)
I don't know what this generation of stand-ups are doing without VCR timers

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:31, Reply)
at least i'd get a fucking nice present out of it

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:31, Reply)
I drew myself yesterday, so I re-drew.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:51, Reply)
Because it's not pairs,
A buys for B
B buys for C
C buys for A

It's not pairs, because A is buying for B, it doens't mean B is buying for A.... otherwise you'd know whos getting your gift.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:52, Reply)
a buys for b. b buys for c. c buys for a.
Then everyone has a happypresent orgy. With lego.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:22, Reply)
but that's not a secret
everyone knows that a is buying for b etc
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:26, Reply)
that wouldn't be very secret

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:25, Reply)
it's like you can see into my soul

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:26, Reply)
I meant your version wouldn't be very secret
if a and b were buying presents for each other
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:28, Reply)
well i meant if they drew each other out of a hat

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:32, Reply)
all your colleagues are magician's doves?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:34, Reply)
rabbits
white rabbits
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:43, Reply)
Slick

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:47, Reply)
If you draw yourself, you draw again.
Assuming there's more than three people involved, the chances of only being able to draw yourself are actually pretty low.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:34, Reply)
*sigh* do I have to explain EVERYTHING?
a buys for b, b buys for c, c buys for d, d buys for e, e buys for f, f buys for g, g buys for h and h buys for a
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:27, Reply)
Yes, we need you to come along and explain it all again ten minutes after everyone else has.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:30, Reply)
TTJ, I believe.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:33, Reply)
Then I shall repost it onto facebook.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:34, Reply)
wot?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:37, Reply)
oh ok, never mind.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:39, Reply)
Haha
I thought he was crediting you with a bit too much awareness there.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:39, Reply)
I actually thought he was sending me up.
I should have known better. Soz everyone. Soz.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:44, Reply)
what if a accidentally gets the note upside down and buys a present for q?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:31, Reply)
profit for the kebab man
where is that neckless chump these days anyway?
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:32, Reply)
Stand in a circle.
Buy a present for the person in front of you in the circle.
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:20, Reply)
She is wtn

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:22, Reply)

t i
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:23, Reply)
wanting intimate nakers?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:27, Reply)
well yes, who doesn't?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:32, Reply)
prepare to recieve the body of christ

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:37, Reply)

Buy a present for the person in front of you in the circle

Daisychain!
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:23, Reply)
I'm game.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:24, Reply)
sigh
me Y
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:25, Reply)
Only for badger.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:30, Reply)
it's his pink socks isn't it?

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:33, Reply)
Almost...
s c s
(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:33, Reply)
John Travolta.

(, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 14:37, Reply)

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