Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Nothing new on the popular page ALL DAYI now pronounce this the "well genius comedy" thread. Go forth and be fucking funny. Or, more effectively, start clicking things at random, or click something that raises half a smirk rather than a fully-fledged LOL.
Alt: 24 hours to live, access to an inexhaustible supply of funds and a teleporter. What would you do? Please note - teleporter, not time machine, so using the funds to cure whatever's killing you then going forward in time to obtain said cure is not on the cards. I'd go on a killing spree, wiping out everyone who's ever offended me in some way in alphabetical order, capturing each murder on camera and posting it on Twitter, thereby making myself the greatest avant-garde artist of the digital media age, or something, look I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I had a pretty good idea when I got started but it's got away from me somewhat. The question stands though. Also In the spirit of the main thread I think this is sufficient effort for a click. Factor in my compulsive neediness and you've got a compelling argument.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:28, 217 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
I'd want to spend the whole time with my daughter.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:30,
Reply)
I'd spend the whole time with someone's daughterSeveral someones. Starting with Jon Voight's.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:31, Reply)
I'm going to make it out of parrot eggs, and then get you sectioned again.(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:35, Reply)
Age of Concent world tour.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:33,
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but using twenties instead of tissues?I like it.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:35,
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i hope he covers up the parrot cage firstpolly doesn't want that cracker
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:36,
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same species, that's whynot that I've seen that film but apparently it made blue crowned conures very popular as pets
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:44, Reply)
my brother really wants a sun conurebut apparently the blue ones are much better /talkers and screech less.
they are all fucking cool.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:47,
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your brother has been told dreadful liessun conures and blue crowns can both be very noisy indeed, I'm lucky that Momo isn't given to shrieking unless he sees a cat in the garden
if you want a quiet bird then get a green cheeked conure, those are lovely birds
also blue crowns are shit at talking, Momo hasn't said a word but he does sometimes try to say "who's a pretty bird" and fails miserably
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:50, Reply)
i was thinking a cockatiel as they are much quieter and slightly more manageablebut then he selfishly went and got his wife up the duff and she said no bird until the baby stops crying as she doesn't want the parrot making that noise.
how old is he? the link didn't work :(
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:53,
Reply)
cockatiels are brilliant but they have dusty dander that sometimes gives people allergiesMomo's 5 and a bit, link fixed
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:55, Reply)
also, don't even think about buying a parrot unless you have LOADS of spare time to spend with oneyou've got to keep them amused or they get bored and start pulling their feathers out
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:57, Reply)
and if you want a talker, get an Indian ringneck, those are acewww.marnietalk.com/videos.html
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:04, Reply)
fucking hell why can't people focus, stoopid cunts(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:07,
Reply)
totally. we've always had budgies before, and even they need a couple of hours a day minimumconure/cockatiel would live with my dad, who's retired/works from home. anything bigger than a conure - i don't know, i'm never sure they should be pets really. but i do love african greys.
he's so cute. he's trying.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:04,
Reply)
if you've kept budgies then you'll have no problems with a conure or a cockatielI always try to talk people out of getting a parrot, I inherited Momo because his owner realised she didn't have enough time to spend with him
also: conures MUST spend most of the day out of their cages, they go INSANE if they can't get out
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:12, Reply)
cage door open whenever someone is aroundOtherwise it's not fair. When we had people round who hated birds flapping, the poor budgie would hang upside down by the door squawking. He didn't understand why it was magically blocked. Although the little fucker did chew everything.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:18,
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people collect milk bottle tops for Momo to chew to piecesstops him tearing the stove-enamelled paint off his perch
conures can be destructive buggers but so can all parrots, just don't leave them in a room full of valuable wooden carvings or you'll come home to a pile of sawdust
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:22, Reply)
I guess they're nice and shiny for him. does he like lego? my friend's macaw used to love chewing that. the budgie just eloped with the little lego menAnd buried them behind the fucking piano when he got bored.
Actually I'm amazed it didn't swallow the lego and die. Lucky the macaw had more brains than her parents.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:26,
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not tried lego but I dare say he'd just destroy it in secondsold bog rolls, bottle caps, cotton rope, shreds of old t-shirt, these are the things that make for a happy Momo bird
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:30, Reply)
so basically he likes to kill stuff. good bird.Pet supermarket has lots of parrot toys with wood and rope to destroy. I bought one for my friend's chickens once but they just shat themselves and ran away from it.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:32,
Reply)
I've wasted so much money on parrot stuff that he's frightened ofaloe vera spray to clean his feathers, terrified him, insulated cuddle tent, he thinks it's a green cat, won't go in his cage if it's there
anyway, imma go fall asleep on the beanbag, gaz me for any parrot advice because I suspect everyone else is bored shitless by this subthread
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:39, Reply)
Charlie Brooker defeated the fucking lot of us last week in Weekly Wipeand dropped in the best "your mum" joke I've heard in ages. Comedy gold.
However he tried again this week and it just wasn't up to scratch. I did roffle a litte at calling Mumford & Sons "trust-fund Wurzels" though.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:34,
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Fill me in Badge, whats the YourMum joke?(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:37,
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He'd rip me in two and I'd thank him for it.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:52,
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Talking about an insider speaking up about the horsemeat stuff"the greatest meat whistleblower since your mum"
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:44,
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Oh, ok, medioca i'd say. It's alright I guess.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:52,
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It was in his delivery.He'd dropped that bomb before you even noticed.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:53,
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Ahh, I geddit, gotta be there.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:57,
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His end-of-year Wipe included an absolute belter of a "Your Mum" joke I must say(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:37, Reply)
Gangham style Infected hundreds of men in a South Korean jail, just like your mum did
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)
I'd stand on a clifftop and stare out to sea with a look of grim determination on my face, but then I didn't read your stupid question.(
Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:36,
Reply)
I meant tobut forgot
That's exactly the sort of thing that inspired me to write this thread
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:50, Reply)
+ then lay in the recovery position.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:40,
Reply)
if im going to die i don't plan to lay anywhereUnless I get lucky
The last time I got "lucky" I rented a room and I was so drunk I kicked him out before anything could happen and slept by myself
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Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:45,
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Is this your way of telling us you shoved your cock up your own arse?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:45,
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it was funnyHe was all can you at least give me a ride home and I was all sorry bro
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Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:50,
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if you were too drunk to fuckyou were too drunk to drive. what an idiot!
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:54,
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which strip club?this is important. if it's hot guys, i could get on board. but i don't want to spend my last few hours watching some pillow hipped c-sectioned trout trying to pay the rent.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:41,
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Stringfellow's - but after hours, with Stringfellow himself doing the dancing.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:44,
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if i wanted to see that shit i could just lift up the gunt and do the truffle shuffle at home(
rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:49,
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*collaborates and listens*(
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:52,
Reply)
YOU SEE THIS RIGHT HERE?! ^^^THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:55, Reply)
you know, I've seen some super hot girls that hate stripping so they don't even tryPs male strippers are super gay
(
Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:49,
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even magic Mike was super gayAll that gyrating cowboy stuff
Gaaaaaaaaaayyy
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Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:55,
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I thought Magic Mike was acewhich is a bit odd, cos frankly, very little actually happens, and at the end, I wasn't sure what the point of it was, but nonetheless it was ace.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:03, Reply)
I'd teleport to a planet with better medical facilities and get cured(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:45,
Reply)
I'm guessing it's more about me not reading comic "books"(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:12,
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So you DO get itbut are pretending to be too cool to fully understand. How terribly shallow.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:16, Reply)
Alt: I'd probably waste most of it trying to decide what to do.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:48,
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If it was possible to teleport round the world and wipe the mind of every single politician, I'd do that. Second question is how long before anyone would notice?
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:51, Reply)
Five consecutive posts without a typo?Right, own up, who stole Nakers' login?
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:55, Reply)
You'd need a doubleseat teleporter for that.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:54,
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You are too young.It's a reference to a Ben Elton standup routine - what amazes me is how many people remember it.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:58,
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPUjjhO_DpU
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:59,
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ok, I'm listening, 3 mins in, so far no lols(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:02,
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I've had to curtail his "performance" it was too annoying(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:05,
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Things were different in the 80s.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:27,
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They were simpler times.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:28,
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The same VHS of that routine was shared by many people.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:59,
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A few years ago I read an interview with Mr Elton, who I have to admit I thought was hilarious in my youthand he was asked why his popularity had plummeted. He said "People in this country have a problem with success."
Well no, people in this country have a problem with Ben Elton, because he's an annoying twat.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:07, Reply)
They also have a problem when people who claim to be "right-on" and "alternative" go mainstreamHowever, he redeems himself greatly by helping to give the world "Blackadder"
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:12, Reply)
Absolutely, but when he was writing that people liked himI think it's basically that he seemed to decide that his principles could fuck off cos there was profit to be had
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:16, Reply)
I think you are all missing the crucial point:Not funny.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:17,
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I meant Ben Elton, but yeah, I'll include Blackadder in with that.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:20,
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He certainly kept milking the cash cow some time after he ceased being funnybut nonetheless there's no necessary correlation between a comedian's popularity and funniness, even if there should be. For example, James Corden.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:27, Reply)
My favourite comedian is deadand no it was not fucking bill one trick hicks
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Peej, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:30,
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Dustin Gee 4EVAINRHARTZ(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:33,
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No probs Ben, glad to help
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:19,
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Liddlebiddapoliticstherelaydeezangennelmen.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:59,
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I'd prolly watch that Last Airbender film.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:51,
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The fact monty has even heard of it is waht surprises me(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:53,
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Would it surprise you to know that I haven't?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:54,
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Yeah, well you get surprsied by towns not set out in a grid systemthen you wet yourself
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:56,
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I haven't seen itbut I read that there are lines in it like 'I hear there are powerful benders in the north' etc. Sounds well LOL.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:57,
Reply)
Same, bruv.Maybe we could go halves on the DVD? One week at yours, one at mine etc.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:00,
Reply)
That is literally the only good thing about itIf the film was a ten-minute compilation of all those moments it would be quality, but it lasts two fucking hours.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:01, Reply)
Haha, it's funny because the implication is that you'd watch gay porn(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:57,
Reply)
You got him, TH.You got him good.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:00,
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What a thread this is turning out to be!(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:01,
Reply)
In many ways you are better.For example, he rarely posts on here.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:05,
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Something something pope something LOL!!!!!!!!!!(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:08,
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I MAED A TOPICLOL JOKE!!!!(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:28,
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id teleport to where you are and we'll party like it's 2013(
Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:02,
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I'm just going to click all of your posts, trotsky, and see where that takes us.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:01,
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This thread has yet to mention my wifes mingealso Al is a cunt
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Peej, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:08,
Reply)
Now listen, Al has blamed me for everyone calling him a cunt. He's clearly very upset by so many people (at least 5 on the popular page alone) are calling him a cunt.I'm not telling anyone what they should do, but please bear in mind that he' upset and that he's blaming me.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:11,
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So basically you're saying Al's a cunt, yeah
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:13,
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YOU CUNT(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:14,
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Christ, NakersIsn't it bad enough for him to have to live with being a cunt without you maliciously drawing attention to the fact at every opportunity??
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:18, Reply)
is it not your fault?Ah well, he's a cunt anyway
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Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:14,
Reply)
I'd start a Battereds a cunt thingbut it would be short lived
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Peej, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:18,
Reply)
SsssssshDon't ruin his internet hardman reputation with accusations of sensitivity
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:22, Reply)
Well, that's because it's a dreadful thing to have to go through.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:23,
Reply)
The most painful part of one of the most painful films.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:30,
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Needs MOAR hair gel(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:31,
Reply)
Damn rightIf Ms Foxtrot ever dumps me I'm not telling you lot. I'd be on the verge of hissyfitting at any given moment.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:29, Reply)
Plus it's widely understood that your Mrs is fit and you wouldn't want Gonz stalking her thinking he's in with a chance.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:34,
Reply)
Good point, well madeAlso, because of this, I'd be too busy perusing other websites to talk to you lot. Pornographic websites. To wank over.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:34, Reply)
I'm going to give you a great big cuddle when I meet you next week.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:22,
Reply)
you are aware, he's quite tall right?your head is basically he groin height.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:24,
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Now YOU'RE really getting into the spirit of it. I need a lie down after my lunch.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:26, Reply)
tuxed down lolz(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:37,
Reply)
This thread can only possibly be described as a roaring successbased on delivery of target objectives against the parameters set in the initialisation framework.
(, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:31, Reply)
The 360 degree feedback process should capture some great team thoughts about meeting future thread objectives.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:32,
Reply)
I didn't get my form.Where do I get to call you all cunts?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:36,
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www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:36,
Reply)
I would but right now all I can think of is how Peter Cook was funnyand how Ben Elton is/was not
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Peej, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 14:51,
Reply)
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