5 car crashes outside his house in one weekend
www.thisissomerset.co.uk/Terrified-families-crashes-12-hours-outside-homes/story-18277904-detail/story.html#axzz2MZGGDNci

what can we conclude - that all drivers in somerset are inept, or that he put his house in a really shit place? who's the unluckiest person you know?

alt: so in support for monty today, what's the biggest bollocking you've ever had or received?

altalt: what always makes you smile?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:02, 122 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I'll bet you've received some bollocks over the years

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:03, Reply)

sorry stunned, you left it logged in as your sportscow puppet

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:05, Reply)

I heard her chin's had more balls hitting it than Federor's tennis racket

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:09, Reply)

with slightly more force

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:09, Reply)

I probably need to move that apostrophe...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:14, Reply)

you probably need to go fist yourself with it :(

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:15, Reply)

with the apostrophe?
i was impressed with my grammar joke
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:15, Reply)

i was not

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:18, Reply)

try this one:
5.9.83.79/questions/offtopic/post1881983#post1881986
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:18, Reply)

hmmm
i think stick to what you're good at?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:20, Reply)

Such as being a bent spastic.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:21, Reply)

i didn't say he was good at anything in particular
he has lots of specialisms
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:22, Reply)

The only thing he's good at is being a bent spastic.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:25, Reply)

last night you wanted to vote me in as Prime minister!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:25, Reply)

well yeah
compared to the current shower, it'd be like voting for einstein...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:26, Reply)

back handed compliment of the day

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:28, Reply)

Pretending not to understand anything ever, while people get infuriated with him?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:22, Reply)

this seems a little unfair
i understand that you're a crusty
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:23, Reply)

that's just dried yoghurt

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:24, Reply)

Er, yes... It's yoghurt.
Definitely yoghurt.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:25, Reply)

that's what he said

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:26, Reply)

altalt: my daughter.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:06, Reply)

pedo

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:08, Reply)

Zider innit?
alt: too many to mention probably, never really bother me that much though.

altalt: baby Badmons' animal impressions
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:07, Reply)

i dont know i like a good poo

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:08, Reply)

Your hair dresser is the most unlucky person. Having to deal with all that ginger hair. Poor bastard.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:10, Reply)

he loves it
and the hair
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:15, Reply)

altalt: the 'black Jew' joke

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:11, Reply)

Don't know if you've noticed my sig, but there is a poster called Infidel, who has changed his sig to Battered having seen mine.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:12, Reply)

That's rather funny

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:19, Reply)

I thought so.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:19, Reply)

is it?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:20, Reply)

Shut up Nakers.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:20, Reply)

Are you going to try and bully me into ignoring you now Gonz has gone?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:27, Reply)

It's tempting.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:26, Reply)

why?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:27, Reply)

Durrr! Because he's got his name in his sig.
Geddit?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:35, Reply)

comedy gold

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:37, Reply)

The article does mention
recent road work altering the camber of the road, maybe has something to do with it?

alt: never got a full-scale bollocking, closest was probably while rushing to move a load of PCs round an office, the patch wiring was so badly tangled I gave up trying to move it. So I wrote down what was plugged where and then ripped the whole lot out into a big tangly heap on the floor, at which point the boss walks in, turns white and says "What the fuck have you done?!"
Went back together OK, fortunately.

altalt: the stuff kids come out with like "I need a chocolate bar to look after my elephant" etc.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:18, Reply)

Three fascinating insights into the wild and crazy world of Lokesy here.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:20, Reply)

to be fair
if you have kids and your life is wild and crazy, either you're lying, or you're a shit parent
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:21, Reply)

Is there not a middle road?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:22, Reply)

Possibly with an adverse camber.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:23, Reply)

no
you can have a lot of fun. you might well prefer it to sex, drugs and rock'n'roll.

but it's never going to be wild and crazy as normal people would understand the meaning of those words. wild and crazy knows no middle road. that's the whole point.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:26, Reply)

I think it is possible to be a decent parent and still enjoy the occasional sex, drugs and rock'n'roll.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:27, Reply)

that's not the debate
the debate is whether you can be "wild and crazy" and live with your kids. the answer is no, no you can't.

you can try and recapture lost youth with a spliff in a car park whilst little johnny learns to swim and little rosie does ballet, but ultimately it's neither wild nor crazy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:29, Reply)

^ accuracy ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:29, Reply)

True, but I think this is less to do with becoming a parent and more to do with getting older.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:31, Reply)

No, it's more to do with being in a fit state to look after the kids.
The answer is to get someone else to look after them while you go sex&drugs&rock'n'roll.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:36, Reply)

Friztal lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:32, Reply)

It's all lies. Nobody gives their child an elephant as a pet.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:21, Reply)

Well it happened on the Simpsons

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:24, Reply)

it'll be a new series on Discovery soon.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:23, Reply)

I just got bollocked, just now!
skived a conf call, but someone in the office ratted on me saying they'd seen me in.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:22, Reply)

i'm sure your wife has given out worse

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:25, Reply)

She does get a bit annoyed with me sometimes
apparently being "reasonable" is annoying
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:26, Reply)

it's fucking infuriating. we hate that.
it makes you look patronising, as if you're not really listening, and as if you're not interested in revisiting previous arguments from the last 5 years that have a tenuous connection in that they involve the same people.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:28, Reply)

There is nothing more annoying than being reasonable and not arguing back
Especially at certain times. .
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:29, Reply)

thanks for that localgirl

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:30, Reply)

+of the month

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:38, Reply)

yup, when the p means permanent.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

That was, I should imagine, 'the joke'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Friday
Idiot customer fucked up an upgrade then complained that I'd fixed it. Huh?

Biggest bollocking - can't think of one, fortunately

AltAlt:
Fainting goats
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:27, Reply)

Altalt: People with absolutely no self-awareness

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:31, Reply)

My other half is having some difficulty at the minute (and no, not just because she's with me)
Within the space of a few days, her washing machine broke, her exhaust fell off, her wiper motor broke, and she had to have her timing belt replaced. These things all happened at seperate times.

Alt: Nearly got sacked from here, after not invoicing a customer for several months. The only reason I was able to stay was after I was able to prove that I'd been told to file the piece of paper containing the instructions away.

AltAlt: The first warm sunny day of the year.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:31, Reply)

Is she some sort of domestic robot car?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:33, Reply)

DANGER WILL ROBINSON

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:40, Reply)

THIS ROBOT IS REVERSING

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

Not at the moment

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

her washing machine broke = fanny not able to juice up
her exhaust fell off = anal prolapse
her wiper motor broke = one of her tits is wonky
timing belt replaced = she's on the blob
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:36, Reply)

lols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:38, Reply)

I got my water bill for the year on saturday
£381 :o((((((((((((((((((((((
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:36, Reply)

Just over £1 a day. You can't complain about that. Can you?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:37, Reply)

watch me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:37, Reply)

He just did.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:38, Reply)

You bought the wrong length of pipe?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:39, Reply)

haha

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Nah but it's stupid, the three of us used the same amount of water in the ol;d flat
but, as this one is bigger we get charged much more.

Can'r get a meter as it's a rental
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Soak flooring

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

r m
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

Why isn't it on DD?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Tattooed on his wife's tits?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

Not trusted with a bank account

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

i have several thnak you very much*

*I keep forgetting my login
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

I'm having banking fail at the minute
Can't make payments as Lloyds have to ring you up for some idiot reason and once you change a phone number you have to wait 7 days
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

I actually have no idea, I've always paid it annually

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:41, Reply)

BILLING FAIL

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

I may move it now, especially as i doubt we'll be in here for another year

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

With bumhole pics?
nu
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Account in arrears

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:44, Reply)

co
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

I bet you say that to all the girls.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Have you got any leaky pipes? Put yourself on a hoespipe ban until the price comes down.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

I think you're the one with the "leaky pipe" old boy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:44, Reply)

I leaked my pipe all over Mrs Ape's face.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

You're hemp pipe?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Yes I am.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Come on and kick me
www.dailymotion.com/video/xnycl_weezer-hashpipe_music
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:51, Reply)

NO, YOUN ARE

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

STAY ABOUT FROM YOU'RE PIPE!

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:49, Reply)

It's the hosepipe ban that I'm more concerned about, dryer than the sahara.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:49, Reply)

I have 4 pots of herbs and an aloe vera to water, i doubt i have too much impact

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:51, Reply)

Stop ruining my euphanisum.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

So what was the nasty thing that you were stopping yourself from saying about battered?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

It's probably best that he gets it all out in the open.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

i agree, we all know gonz is no good at holding onto shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

I donno man, I probably have nothing and will make something up on the spot.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:18, Reply)

bollocks, gaz me the gossip

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:19, Reply)

hose dirt
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:52, Reply)

AGH AGH AGHAGHA AGHHHHHH HHAHGAHGHAGHAHGHAGHAGHAGH
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I left the telly on while I'm working and they've just told me THREE huuuuge spoilers for Hollyoaks.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:52, Reply)

1: It's shit
2: it's stupid and shit
3: it's shit stupid and shit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

If I leave the South East I will move to Hollyoaks
as all the birds are hot.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Becca lives near me, and i saw that bird that used to do swimming on it by the pond last week
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Becca_Hayton

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Barnes
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:59, Reply)

You've all gone off for a bog wank haven'ty you?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:09, Reply)

Ali Bastian is lovely

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:10, Reply)

IRL she has always looked pretty "unwashed"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:11, Reply)

Grubby not tubby

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:12, Reply)

shit bro shit shit shit dont tell me dont tell me

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:40, Reply)

Started a new thread innit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:19, Reply)

have you?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)

YES.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)