Shittiest gifts you've ever given or received?
Inspired by the mumsnet link in the last thread.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:38, 260 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I got some SALTED PEANUTS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

*jealouses*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

And a phone call from Nigella Lawson no doubt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

That's why his peanuts are now salted

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

I brought the gift of Jesus into YM's life yesterday
and by Jesus I mean 15" black rubber cock and by life I mean anus
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

Dunno

( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:42, Reply)

One christmas I got 4 gifts
all 4 were socks.
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

MilliJoe

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Pairs or singles?
Because 4 pairs would be 8 socks. I'm not criticising here, just asking for clarification.
( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:43, Reply)

All 4 gifts
I did not state how many pairs or individual socks I received it was probably like 15 pairs all together.
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1894928
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:49, Reply)

It really does deserve more credit
I lolled HTH
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:58, Reply)

thank you kindly

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:01, Reply)

Sorry, maybe i'm slow but IDGI

( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:23, Reply)

To be honest I'd be ok with that.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:08, Reply)

I would be these days
I was about 14 at the time and thought my relatives were all cunts. My mother still buys me a pair of sock every year to take the piss out of it.
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:26, Reply)

Better than a fucking roast dinner eh

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:35, Reply)

Given: when I was about 7 I gave my mum a multi-pack of polos.
It said there was 'one pack free' on the front, so I opened it and had them for myself.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:44, Reply)

Seems reasonable

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:44, Reply)

That's what I thought.
A victimless crime.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Then she gave you the hairdryer treatment

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:50, Reply)

oh bravo

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

I gave my Mum a frying pan for Christmas when I was about 11.
She cried.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

Round the back of the head?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

Where's my breakfast, bitch?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

That's probably why she gave you a hairdryer for Christmas.

( wanderlust, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

hahaha see below

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Heh heh.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

I reckon you could use polos as beads in your hair, but not fruit ones 'cus that would be well gay. But the spearmint would work.
I reckon it would be the least-dirty looking dreadlocks any white man has ever had.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:29, Reply)

Rupert the Bear - Morny Talc.
And I wanted a Big Trak.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:44, Reply)

Big Trak is shit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

I've seen them since and they are gash.
Won't program, don't move. I bet they go for a fortune now.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

I refer you back to my earlier answer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

Yeti had one. I was 'well jel'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Tr Bl c + cock
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

I'm having 'self esteem' issues at the moment, some to do with my weight, and just generally feeling pretty invisible.
Cooking is a MASSIVE bone of contention in this house because I do all of it and DS often pushes it away after I've been slaving. I have a gazillion gorgeous cookbooks untouched on a shelf because DS is so fussy. The LAST thing I want to think about is cooking/food.

Battered knows this.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

never mind. It'll get better, tangles.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Thanks badge, I feel better already!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Maybe if you were a better cook your DEAR SON would eat your food, and you wouldn't have had two miscarridges.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:03, Reply)

The trick is it make the food cool again.
I once ate a whole jar of pickled beatroot because Skeeta from Doug called it Nature's Candy. I wee'd red afterwards and was so scared because that only happens to girls that I didn't eat it again for two years.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:31, Reply)

Best gift was an electric guitar for my 18th
I still have it now

Worst was probably some shit shirt or something.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:45, Reply)

Last fathers day the kids woke up at their usual 6.30
So I got up as usual, went downstairs and watched cbeebies until the wife crawled out of bed at 11. "Forgetten what day it is?" I enquired. "Oh Shit!" she responded "We had better go to Tesco" off we went to tesco where she picked up a card and went straight to the booze section where she picked up a bottle of brandy. "Not my favourite drink" I thought "But Hey ho" then she picked up a bottle of blackcurrant cordial which made no sense.

Then we drove to her dads house and it all clicked in to place.
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

Your father in law drinks brandy and blackcurrant?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Yes

( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Stay about from his house

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Mmmm, fruity.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

the love of our lord and saviour jesus christ

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:46, Reply)

And crabs.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

this is a pretty good gif
i.imgur.com/OLBwlDo.gif
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Drugs are bad, m'kay?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:50, Reply)

One of the reasons ecstasy has never appealed to me.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:51, Reply)

I like the "looking at your own fingers confused" bit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:52, Reply)

I like the "wanking someone off" bit

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:53, Reply)

In case some terrible acting breaks out?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:53, Reply)

I dun a lol

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:01, Reply)

Received: when I was a beautiful long-haired teenager I used to nick my mother's hair dryer
so in revenge she gave me a hair dryer for Xmas when I was about 15. The fucking whore. It was only a joke and I did get some other stuff but I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN OK?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:47, Reply)

you used to blow dry your hair?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Now he's older he dyes it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:51, Reply)

dry your hair goats
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:51, Reply)

You don't understand how cold our house was.
For six months of the year no hair would dry without some kind of additional warrm air being applied to it. It was about 18" long which didn't help*


*SO WAS MY HAIR LOL!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:53, Reply)

UPVC windows would have warmed the place up.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Damn you
I was going to post something about Everest
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

Fit the best?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

10/10

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

hahahaha

( wanderlust, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

I wouldn't know, you oik.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

I once got the gift of clothes left at my grandparents over summer

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Thoughtful

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:51, Reply)

they certainly thought it was a hoot

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:53, Reply)

this year I got "we were going to take you to see the shiny toy guns concert but
Its tomorrow night and I have to work" while we're at the cheapest dive in town
my response, "its tonight actually"
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:52, Reply)

My Nan gave me 10p to buy an Easter Egg. I think she thought it was 1976 not 1996.



I bought my other Nan 5 puzzle books for a pound from Pitsea market. I was 26 and earning a good salary. (In my defence I knew it was a shit gift but it was exactly what she'd asked for, so...)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:53, Reply)

Did you shove the coin up your arse?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha.

Ouch. my sides.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Must have been a 50p

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

OUCH MY SIDE BAR!

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:06, Reply)

My parents gave me an electric razor for my 16th birthday.
That was shit.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Didn't they realise that you were growinga druid beard?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:54, Reply)

+ that electricity was against his druidic faith?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

THEY DONT UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL IM GOING TO MY ROOM TO LISTEN TO THE VELVET UNDERGROUND!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Drops the Humpty dance

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:14, Reply)

I don't know what this means.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:18, Reply)

Because it's digital?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:19, Reply)

Digital Underground

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Thanks for that Chompy
No really........Thanks
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:23, Reply)

I have never given, nor recieved a gift in my entire life
Hope this helps x
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

Really? How sad.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

I, and everyone around me, has exactly the right amount of things we need

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Actually, I've tried to give some guitars away
But I can't seem to find anyone that would actually play them and look after them. I don't want money for them, just want to know they're being used.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

*cough*
HI TH!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Come on over, take a look

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Right....luuuuuuunch

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

Love to

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

Grooming alert.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:28, Reply)

Over here!
Acoustic for preference but I'll play anything - fnaarr.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

If you had a basic electric I could re-learn on
I'd take it off your hands.
( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:02, Reply)

I consider every one of your posts to be a little gift.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Ah, well that makes it all worth it
Of course I've given gifts. Many in fact. I really couldn't say what the 'best thing I've ever given' is.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Oh, I did get a personally signed limited edition Marillion CD for a friend
That was a thank you present.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Was it one of those funded by the fans releases?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

Sperm bank sales?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:11, Reply)

I refuse to walk on Belsize Park.

( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:12, Reply)

Ooh, actually,
my Mum spent about £50 on something or other for my brother once and wanted to get me something 'special' for the same price. She got me a Japanese import of Blur's 'The Great Escape'. This is why you don't let Mums buy music.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

Those Jap issue records are usually a sound investment.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

Even Blur ones?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

It really really really could happen

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:58, Reply)

I bet they are, you know

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:05, Reply)

The old man has some Japanese import Ry Cooder CDs.
He's immensely proud of them.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:01, Reply)

I like Ry Cooder because he is on the Performance soundtrack.
As we all know, that's the best film of all time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:04, Reply)

Is that the one that's like Karate Kid, but with guitars?
That battle scene is really impressive.

I like the Meeting By The River album. It's excellent for just relaxing to. I imagine it's a rather good record for getting stoned to, as well.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:06, Reply)

He also plays a lot of the guitar parts on Safe As Milk
But you don't like Beefheart, do you?

*shuffles away again*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:08, Reply)

Safe as Milk is OK and I have a comp of early r&b singles but the later stuff I cannot get my head round.
It's a bit Emperor's New Clothes if you ask me.

His version of Diddy Wah Diddy is in that 100 Best Garage Singles of All Time list.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:14, Reply)

NO MUSIC CHAT

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:15, Reply)

It took me a while to appreciate Trout Mask Replica, but I like it a lot now.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:17, Reply)

Maybe I should give it another go

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:18, Reply)

You've just made that name up.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:19, Reply)

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:29, Reply)

That's right, it is in no way one of the most famous LPs of the late 60s or anything.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:36, Reply)

It appears to be worth £20 now. I think. That was a very half hearted search I just did.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:04, Reply)

I hope you were really rude about it when you opened it.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

I just bought myself a present of nice new Hackett shirt
which I will be expensing as I've been called to some client bollocks and really wasn't dressed for it
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:55, Reply)

Does the collar come ready-popped you FOGLE CUNT?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

coffeesplutteringtryingandfailtohidelols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:58, Reply)

The only thing I've popped today is your mum's anal cherry

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:01, Reply)

That was her piles

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:02, Reply)

That cherry went years ago.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Christmas '89.
The year of 'the hairdryer incident'. Just sayin'.

This should be in the coincidence thread.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:07, Reply)

I once got tape one of Now 16, my brothers got tape 2
in your face brother
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:56, Reply)

hahaha!
Really?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 11:57, Reply)

really
We both got a single tape deck radio as well. I wanted a cd player
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:02, Reply)

I call shenanigans
those came in a double box so couldn't be separated - unless your parents were so cruel as to put them in two single boxes?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

His sister got the box.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

I got your sister's box

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:02, Reply)

In those days the two tapes were held together by a third piece of plastic that could be removed

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Oh wait, I got the first S Club 7 album on my 21st birthday.

( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:00, Reply)

atteindre les étoiles

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:01, Reply)

For use as a Bartleby?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:03, Reply)

I was sent a grey tank top by my gran one xmas
Which was too small.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:03, Reply)

I got a sleeveless demin jacket that was too large
it would probably be quite "hip" now
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:04, Reply)

You should ask me. I'm well good at fashion.

( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:08, Reply)

ood at fashion ay
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:10, Reply)

You're french, you therefore believe that a shell suit jacket, ruck sack, "Fubu" jeans and a pair of trainers that look like were designed by an autistic in a highlighter factory are cool

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:12, Reply)

I say!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:13, Reply)

^ This
Where on earth did the French get their reputation for being fashionable?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:13, Reply)

Erm, perhaps from this lot,
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:French_fashion_designers
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:18, Reply)

By that logic, this lot should stand as proof as all Brits being wealthy landowners who marry their cousins:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarchs_of_England
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Hahahah nice post Nakers

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:16, Reply)

clickin dis xx

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:17, Reply)

haha!

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:17, Reply)

:(

( Kroney, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:25, Reply)

I'm constantly being given shit gifts.
I can only assume people hate me.

The worst is that people know I love Dr Who, so they assume I'll appreciate any old bollocks with Dr Who on it.

A build your own Tardis, FFS.

I, on the other hand, and fucking aces at gift choosing.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:04, Reply)

*does a turd*
*sticks picture of matt smith on turd*
*posts*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:05, Reply)

POTD

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Ask Battered to post it while working away.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:08, Reply)

Mr B3th has Dr Who Y-fronts?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:05, Reply)

Textbook.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:07, Reply)

bollols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:07, Reply)

POTD II : Electric Boogaloo

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:08, Reply)

guess what guys!
We're almost certainly going to be in a triple dip recession! YAY OSBOURN
(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:19, Reply)

Needs MOAR austerity

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)

And Quantitive Easing!!!

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)

I eased YM's quantitive last night.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:21, Reply)

I was in her recess

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Did you see how EA tried to appease you on the BBC news site?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Yeah, fuck them.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Fuck em in the ear

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:22, Reply)

This is a clear signal for the coalition government to cut further and faster.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:21, Reply)

Well they haven't really started yet, so that's kind of going to happen anyway

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Another meaningless statistic from the good people at Chomp Industries.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:24, Reply)

ONs figures show manufacturing down 1.5% in January from december, that's 3% down in a year.
As lovely financial/legal/accounting and the rest of the proffessional service sector is at making money, you shouldn't be suprised that if we don't make things we can't sell them.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:28, Reply)

And if we can't sell them we're fucked.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:29, Reply)

THIS IS ALL GORDON BROWNS FAULT!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:31, Reply)

Gordon CLOWN more like, I bet he has feet like dozer

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:33, Reply)

he has my charisma and networking skillz

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:36, Reply)

Bigot

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:37, Reply)

you're confusing me with Legless :'(

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Equities are back at pre 2008 levels. (good for your pensions and endowments)
Pound is weaker which should promote export manafacturing. Employment is OK, could be better but.....

The press concentrate on it because they think it's a story. It has to be taken in the round.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:31, Reply)

Retail sales were up last month too.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:31, Reply)

I was up your mum last month

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:33, Reply)

and if the Scots stay in the UK
The oil industry is about to go through another boom. Big, big bucks.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:35, Reply)

NO NO THE COALITION HAVE RUINED BRITUN

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:38, Reply)

those two upcoming referendums could feasibly do just that

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:41, Reply)

In January? that's just crazy.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:35, Reply)

February.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:36, Reply)

They don't release official figures until the next month. Febs wont be out yet...
I think.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:40, Reply)

calendar fail
Also understanding of 'year on year' fail.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:38, Reply)

your mum takes it in the round

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:32, Reply)

YM is so round you have to take a cab to get on her good side.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:33, Reply)

You're mum is so round CERN used her as a template for their Large Hadron Collider

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:37, Reply)

dr rd
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:38, Reply)

When they discovered Higgs Bosun, YM fucked the Bosun.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:39, Reply)

Your mum's so fat that her belly button doesn’t have lint in it, it has jumpers.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:45, Reply)

I heard that is where Kroney shops for his cardigans

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)

YM is so fat that when she talks to herself, it’s a long distance call.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:49, Reply)

YM is so fat even her bath has stretch marks

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:48, Reply)

'I'll never get over you...'

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:37, Reply)

It's as fucked as it ever was.
nothings changed Exports are down 3.5% unemployment is still far above structural levels. NHS and forces redundancies are coming in their thousands in the next 3 months. Houses aren't being built, small buisnesses can't get loans, first time buyers have to save for years before getting a deposit and people are getting pay rises below inflation. That's the round, we're still fucked and equity levels mean shit all.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:40, Reply)

But other than that, what have the coalition ever done for us?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:41, Reply)

80% of equity trades are done algorithmically, they don't even know who runs the Company.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:43, Reply)

owns the company
They have absolutely no idea. When the equity market gets out of hand they switch the exchange computer off.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:45, Reply)

hey, Chomp works on the finance team, he knows how all this stuff works.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)

pay roll-lols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:49, Reply)

He's the Adam Smith of B3ta.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:50, Reply)

he's the Timmy Mallet of polymaths.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:54, Reply)

He puts the sensual into nonconsensual sex.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:56, Reply)

he puts the 'hip' into 'rohypnol'

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:00, Reply)

The problem being is that by the time the market is getting out of hand everyone
owns a shit tonne of stock that's badly valued. That's purely based on the trend following algorithms that assume that someone knows what they're doing. And they work well, so well that they're used so much the influence of single human trade decisions are multiplied dozens of times in the first couple of miliseconds. That's dangerous.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Compared with the rest of Europe (bar Germany perhaps) we're still doing better though right?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:43, Reply)

Not really.
Better than some. Worse than others.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:46, Reply)

Better than a few but worse growth than...
Australia
Brazil
Canada
China
India
Indonesia
Japan
New Zealand
Russia
South Korea
Switzerland
Turkey
United States
(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)

when it's worse than Japan, it's really really bad.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:48, Reply)

None of these are in the European Union.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:51, Reply)

Except New Zealand.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:52, Reply)

I preferred the old one personally

( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:54, Reply)

Yeah, it was in Holland and you could buy puff.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:57, Reply)

Russia is in Europe.
If you're Rory.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:52, Reply)

I could only find EU wide growth, and we beat that.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:54, Reply)

Osborne has saved us!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:56, Reply)

Whoop, whoop.
Fucking euro-johnnies.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:57, Reply)

Exports should be around 5%
*shit lager lolz*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:45, Reply)

Swipe will be so pleased, she's only had a double.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:35, Reply)

So one year my dad receives a steam iron from his parents
He puts it in a cupboard and forgets about it. The next time they came down from Lincoln to Pastyland they asked why he had never thanked them for the gift. "Oh yeh" he says "Thanks for the steam iron". "You never even opened it did you?" they laughed. My dad went to the cupboard found it at the back somewhere and opened the box to find a rather fancy bottle of single maNO WHISKEY CHAT!
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:25, Reply)

Urban myth.
Like the bloke that got a season ticket off his wife at christmas.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:27, Reply)

Doesn't matter what you think fuckface, I was there

( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:28, Reply)

Hahaha. 'Course you were.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:32, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1895100
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:36, Reply)

Yeah, yeah sweetie.
And you've got Narnia in that closet you just came out of.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:38, Reply)

closet shed
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:39, Reply)

Yeh well I'll go get my dad to confirm it! Then you'll be sorry
Now what happened to him? I haven't heard from him in a while
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:46, Reply)

He's probably eating Turkish Delight
with the White Witch.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:48, Reply)

Also
When did I admit to being a bummer?
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)

When did

Just NOW
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:48, Reply)

BRILLIANT!

( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:49, Reply)

*doffs hat*

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:49, Reply)

New meme?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:48, Reply)

I'm sure there is still plenty of life left
in the oven glove fucker/kicked out by his wife/lives in his shed memes and that starting a "you're gay" meme will probably lack the lolzors of the others
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:50, Reply)

Where did all the glove fucking go?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Wife got the glove.
I can't afford the cost of a court battle without withdrawing maintenance payments and I want the glove to be looked after.
( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:55, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha.
Won't someone think of the sex gloves!!!!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:58, Reply)

right up his arse.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:55, Reply)

I have a bottle of single ma

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:28, Reply)

I had your single ma on Sunday.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:29, Reply)

I have several.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:29, Reply)

10 year old single ma
BROKEN BRITAIN!
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:33, Reply)

Aye laddie

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:34, Reply)

My mother's pal (my godmother) knows my mum hates nuts (LOL) and loves gardening (LOLOLOL)
and one year my mother got a box of Just Brazils off her: gutted, she passed them on to someone else.

Who called to say thank you for the rare plant bulbs that were in the box. Unlucky mum you lesbian BITCH.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:29, Reply)

LADYDADLOLS

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:32, Reply)

RIP Quentin.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:33, Reply)

Where the fuck is Quentin?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:34, Reply)

He's stuck on the gyratory in Reading

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:43, Reply)

He was the jumper from the Dartford Bridge on Sunday.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:46, Reply)

DON'T MENTION KNITWEAR

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)

My brother gave me a lie detector builder aimed for 9-12 year olds
When I was 18.

Bastard.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:28, Reply)

course he did, signed by Neil Buchanan, no doubt
*detects*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:31, Reply)

Then Nigella Lawson phoned him.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:43, Reply)

Whilst she was hanging out with Lee Dorrian

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 13:02, Reply)

This thread is boring now.
Someone start a lunch thread or something.
Or failing that, something interesting.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Won't be started by you then! LOL!

( Peej, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:53, Reply)

I've started at sort of lunch thread.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:55, Reply)

oh man, just as I post :(

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:56, Reply)

My aunt buys me a set of XL t-shirts every year, I'm not that tubbins :(
the first christmas present I bought my parents was a bar of cadbury's fruit and nut each. Not the normal size, a special +50% free size!
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 12:56, Reply)