If you were to write a book what would it be about?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 9:59, 113 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

The Ginge Threat and how I defeated it.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:01, Reply)

The history of Milton Keynes

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:02, Reply)

I did write one, last year.
Well, the first draft of one, anyway. The very rough, needs a *lot* of work, first draft.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:02, Reply)

'How to live with a geriatric'
Contains handy hints about:

Stairlifts
Incontinence
Deafness
Strokes

and much, much more!
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Followed by the sequel 'Sex for and with the elderly'
All you need to know about:

Impotence
The impact of gravity on the attractiveness of breasts
False teeth & oral sex
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:07, Reply)

Youv'e got that to look forward to.
For some of us its happening now.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:12, Reply)

"How to Duck" by Philijoe

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:04, Reply)

The Art of Glove

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:05, Reply)

'Sausages of the World' by Montgomery Peregrine St John Boyce

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:05, Reply)

With a whole chapter on Andouillette.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:08, Reply)

Food of the devil.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:09, Reply)

All great books have a touch of darkness to them.
It's not all good news in the world of sausages and I respect my readers enough to handle some pretty challenging facts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:11, Reply)

I had some Boerwurwruwrsowtsorowtootsst yesterday
top sausage

SAUSAGE CHAT
( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:44, Reply)

An orphan who discovers at the age of eleven that he is a wizard, living within the ordinary world of non-magical people.
His ability is inborn and such children are invited to attend a school that teaches the necessary skills to succeed in the wizarding world. He becomes a student at a School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and it is here where most of the events take place. As he develops through his adolescence, he learns to overcome the problems that face him: magical, social and emotional, including ordinary teenage challenges such as friendships and exams, and the greater test of preparing himself for the confrontation that lies ahead.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:05, Reply)

I'll probably call it Twilight.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Sounds shit, I woudn't bother

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:07, Reply)

No one would be interested in that FFS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:09, Reply)

Sounds too much like Star Wars, mate
You'll get Disney breathing down your neck, and you do NOT want that. Trust me.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:09, Reply)

Hmm, maybe I could stick in a couple of twists, like the bad guy is actually his dad and maybe an ambiguous incestual relationship with his sister.
Do you think that would change it enough to keep those mouse pricks off my case?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:14, Reply)

Throw in an overly tall, yet good natured, hairy man-beast
and a helpful, yet mysterious elderly wizard....that should make it different enough.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:16, Reply)

OK I'm interested now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:17, Reply)

This is great stuff, thanks TH!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:17, Reply)

Plezh

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:21, Reply)

My inlaws went to her wedding.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:10, Reply)

PRINCESS LEIA'S???!

( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:19, Reply)

Working for cunts,
And how to survive them.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:06, Reply)

'The LOLocaust: just because it never happened doesn't mean it isn't a good idea' by Professor MPS Boyce

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:07, Reply)

Ha ha ha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:08, Reply)

"Young, Gifted and Black: The Two Hats Story"

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:08, Reply)

You own your own home.
How can you be black?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:10, Reply)

OOF!

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:10, Reply)

Probably stole it.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:15, Reply)

So Amorous Badger is a darkie then?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:16, Reply)

I never had him pegged as the 'watermelon' type.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:16, Reply)

I always fancied writing scifi (bit surprise)
But, definitely nothing 'steam punk' as that's a shit genre, probably something with a more military bent.

I tried a couple of times and found that while I was OK on basic concepts, characters and dialogue a decent plot evaded me. so, as I was unwilling to do the old fantasy stalwart for "let's cross this entire fictional world to obtain the mysterious X, meeting lots of characters along the way" and because I am a massive quitter, I gave up.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:10, Reply)

Hahaha....'bent'

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:11, Reply)

*hands TH a small trophy*

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:12, Reply)

*shakes hands for photo*

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:13, Reply)

Aound the World in ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:17, Reply)

Probably some kind of detective novel I think
t f
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:15, Reply)

"Gout: It's not that big a deal, really"

( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:15, Reply)

I'd write one about pubs.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:17, Reply)

butt +l g b
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:18, Reply)

Was that really worth the effort?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:19, Reply)

It's a shit thread
So I'll take them where I can
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:22, Reply)

That wasn't really worth the effort.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:19, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1929485
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:22, Reply)

I wonder if ANDREW MARR has an opinion about the effort, and whether this was worth it

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:21, Reply)

salted goutnuts!!!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:22, Reply)

^I agree with these guys^

(Gerald was innocent, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:22, Reply)

oh HO, this is a 'stroke' of genius, right Andy???

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:24, Reply)

*polite clapping*

( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:24, Reply)

Bins and How to Stay About From Them.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:19, Reply)

Maybe a biography of Amadues Mozart.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:20, Reply)

YM

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:20, Reply)

Yellow Marbles?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Bartleby: 'The ten best school playgrounds'

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:21, Reply)

Spider-based wanking disasters.

/I expect sooner or later I'm going to have to crack and write at least a few book chapters about work stuff. But I've avoided that so far.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:23, Reply)

I'd write a novel about a young Frenchman, struggling to survive in a hostile country
beset on all sides by enemies who want nothing more than to trivialise his suffering. There'll be explosions! Gun-fights! Car-chases! Hobbling slightly on one foot! And then something something Forest Moon of Endor.
( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:24, Reply)

haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:24, Reply)

I should probably put something in about how he escaped the law at high speed on two separate occasions.

( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:26, Reply)

Is that not covered by 'car chases'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:28, Reply)

It's probably worth mentioning a couple of times outside the car chases.
It reinforces how dangerously sexy the character is.
( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:30, Reply)

sex garlic
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:31, Reply)

+k

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:35, Reply)

Needs MOAR cardigan

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:26, Reply)

I'd write a book about how Will Smith and Jacky chan are time traveling cops.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:24, Reply)

Lets hope it's a one way ticket

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:28, Reply)

a young skate kid's tortuous journey to adulthood.
Themes include teenage sex, failure to master kickflips, internet bullying, whisky poncing and a final messy suicide by self-electrocution.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:25, Reply)

self-electrocution Industrial magnet and pearcings
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:29, Reply)

Fuck me even I could do a standing kickflip when I was 18
You must have been a spaz or summat
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:30, Reply)

nah, never could land them.
Popshuvits though, no probs. Can do them fakie as well. Plus nollies.

Dunno why you'd do them standing though, what's the point?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:32, Reply)

Because every time I did one in motion I fucked it up :-(

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:36, Reply)

you spaz

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Kroney: 'What not to wear'.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:25, Reply)

I don't understand

( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:26, Reply)

je ne comprende pas

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:27, Reply)

Your terrible taste in cardigans.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:27, Reply)

Again, I'm at a loss.
The only cardy I have is magnificent.
( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:27, Reply)

Don't sweat(er) it, man, it's knit worth it

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:27, Reply)

Wool the other one

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:28, Reply)

I'd right a series of poems about a personfide death that has a really simple-but-pleasent logic and is battling with depression.
I'd use QOTW as my main source of marketing and dismiss any critisim as trolling because my work is on par with Terry Pratchet, and I know this for fact because I copied all his ideas.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:28, Reply)

Ye can't bick dahn frim cruticism, mite?

( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:30, Reply)

'How Infest help me get over the fact that my mum's a slag' by, oh I don't know....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:29, Reply)

Try "The History of Treworgey Tree Fayre of 1989"
MOAR people need to know about this
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:32, Reply)

Is there anyone left on Earth who does not know of this?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:32, Reply)

I'm not sure I do - I must have missed this one

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:34, Reply)

You weren't there maaaaaaan

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:35, Reply)

Perhaps a related volume
"The Steampunk's Guide to Tupping the Pre-decimal Thruppence"
( Kroney, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:32, Reply)

The Willing Shilling
Easy Pink, Difficult Crown
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:33, Reply)

click

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:35, Reply)

I actually LOLed.
well done
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:35, Reply)

You, sir, are a fucking tart
My Mum will be jealous
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:40, Reply)

'Coping with lesbian parents'

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:31, Reply)

My Two Mams

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:31, Reply)

Not a single one of you (b3th excluded due to evidence to the contrary)
are capable of writing a sentence without it degenerating into an unimaginative insult about someone's Mum. Hence your books would be shit. And if you doubt me, I have one word for you, although it's not really a word.

APELOVERAGE
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:31, Reply)

YM

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:32, Reply)

You had to spoil things didn't you?
Go away, sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:33, Reply)

You're telling me to go and wank?
Me?

Seriously?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:36, Reply)

I did APELOVERAGE to your mum

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:34, Reply)

'YOU-genics: why the Mengele Method is still relevant today' by Ubergruppenfurher M Boyce

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:34, Reply)

Plumbing for Jews
Water to water, not gas to water
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:34, Reply)

The ennui we all feel now the malaise of the post 9/11 world has truly settled in
That or robot spaceships made of gold that fight to destroy an evil universe of dogmen
( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:35, Reply)

Option B!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:36, Reply)

SPOILERS the gold robot spaceships defeat the dogmen with razor sharp diamond bones

( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:42, Reply)

I want to see that movie, Theoban
The gold robots, not the zeitgeist misery one.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:37, Reply)

Shit man it's just been optioned by Zack Snyder
Sorry, it's gonna be awful
( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:41, Reply)

How to write a decent THREAD
By Someone right now please
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:36, Reply)

My Shrivelled Winky

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:36, Reply)

'Or Why Half an Hour in the Bath is Too Long for Any Man'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:40, Reply)

Guns and sex

( Peej, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:41, Reply)

The Meat Garden
A Horror about a serial killer that's preying on people fairly transparently based on people I know and killing them in ever more elaborate ways and using parts of their corpses for his garden.

Very cathartic, I suspect.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:41, Reply)

Poor old Barryfromeastenders

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 10 Apr 2013, 10:43, Reply)