I'm calling early lunch
as I'm fucking starving

DIY - Are you handy or fucking useless?
Cooking - Are you handy or useless?

Alt:
Bank holiday Monday - how do you intend to mark this monumental day?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:37, 131 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I'm gonna cook a nice meal, make a do it yourself bondage dungeon and then marmalade my cock up your mum's blurter

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:42, Reply)

I am good at most aspects of DIY
I will not touch Gas, Electric or Plumbing

metro.co.uk/2013/05/20/newark-gas-explosion-victims-named-as-leslie-and-jeanette-rourke-3802324/
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:42, Reply)

A lesson to us all.
Just because some knuckle dragger can do it, doesn't mean you can.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:44, Reply)

I do safe DIY I am pretty handy with joinery and have done most of my house
I can live with a splinter
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Fuck
I need to put some skirting boards on too
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Learn how to butt and scribe
if you can do this you can do your own skirting
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:53, Reply)

I'm halfway there!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)

*lives on prayer*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)

*Facepalms*
www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK1BwyfFIGc

This is a very easy way, also check out his name oh-OH
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)

Excellent on both content and name!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:46, Reply)

I have to chase a cable into the wall tonight so I can finish painting
Useless cunts have run it in trunking
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:46, Reply)

lazy bastards

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:47, Reply)

Indeed
This is the 2nd one I've had to do
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:48, Reply)

I understand the words. Just not in these sentences.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:47, Reply)

COW MAKE CABLE GO AWAY BY MAGIC

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Thanks.
Magic - why didn't you just say?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:50, Reply)

This is a good way off keeping electrical costs down
As long as they connect it
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:51, Reply)

It just looks shite in a house

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:52, Reply)

toptip:
Get a wire coathanger, straighten it and selotape the wire to one end.
Makes it a lot easier.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:52, Reply)

It is already wired in - they just haven't hidden the cable
But cheers anyway
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Aren't you drilling a couple of holes and then running it through the wall?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:55, Reply)

No
The cable is already running up the wall, not through it. I'm going to chisel a channel for it then plaster over it
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)

Thank you, Duncan Norvelle.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:56, Reply)

check this out
They redid my whole block's electrics a year or two back. All they did was stick a new massive fat (black) rubber-coated cable on the outside of the old trunking. Fucking cowboy cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:56, Reply)

Alt: Up your Mum.
Useless.
Handy. I do a mean bit of calves liver.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Not had liver for ages

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Wish I could say the same about YM.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:51, Reply)

She's not had liver either

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:52, Reply)

I've touched her liver

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:54, Reply)

I wiped her kidneys.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:55, Reply)

I stand on the liver

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)

DIY: I recently shelved an alcove in my bedroom with great success, however in truth I am fucking rubbish.
I am slapdash and impatient, and these qualities do not a craftsman make.

That said I am a decent cook and can do musical and artistic things to a reasonable standard so it's not all bad news.

I suspect I think DIY is beneath me and cannot apply myself to it because I just don't care and would rather someone else do it, ideally a chirpy commoner.

Alt: dunno, I think my kid's away so fuck knows
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:44, Reply)

I heard you could put a decent joint together
#chippymeetsweedlolz
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:50, Reply)

oh HO!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:51, Reply)

That's good.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:51, Reply)

...I really love your tiger wood.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:53, Reply)

neat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:53, Reply)

Oh, are you off to bed?

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:55, Reply)

10/10

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:57, Reply)

i don't understand any of this :(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:23, Reply)

neat as in 'neet': north eastern for 'night'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:33, Reply)

and the tiger wood bit?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)

Neat - feet
Good - wood
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:37, Reply)

Oi did you get my gaz?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:54, Reply)

me? no

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:57, Reply)

???
In the last 10 mins?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:58, Reply)

nutt'n

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Re sent

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:04, Reply)

I would tell you I'm a handy cook
But you'd only all laugh at me :(
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:46, Reply)

boiling a spud is dead hard.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Boiling potato is cruel

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:49, Reply)

I'm handy at DIY
won't touch gas though, it's illegal to do so for a reason...

Done right up to kitchen/bathroom installs. Quality tools are a must, though.

Never understood people who think cooking is difficult, all you have to do is follow simple instructions.....oh.

alt: Hopefully, getting roaring drunk in someone else's garden.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:53, Reply)

It's not lunch time, it's breakfast time.
I'm fairly shit at both FIY and cooking, but I make a good assistant.
Alt: is it Spring Bank already? Goodness me.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 21 May 2013, 11:57, Reply)

You over-hibernated again.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:05, Reply)

I'm fucking boss me. At everything.
Dunno,
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:57, Reply)

I can turn my hands to most things with reasonable success. Naturally handy.
I can cook, but I fucking hate it. Luckily all the women in my life are also good and enjoy it.

Bank holiday Monday may well involve og meeting the parents.
( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:57, Reply)

When you say 'Og ' it always makes me think of neanderthals, just sayin

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:59, Reply)

That would be "Ug" for Neanderthals, you fucking racist.

( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Makes me think original gangster

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:07, Reply)

your lethal weapon clearly isn't your mind

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:20, Reply)

I don't normally like to agree with you
So this time I won't
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:24, Reply)

Is meeting the parents a big deal?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Yeah, no, maybe, dunno

( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Robbie Box lolz

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Bucks Fizz.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:18, Reply)

Going to have a nice sandwich and cook this evening
I'm thinking Chilli.

DIY - that's what Poles are for.
Cooking - making steady progress, I make some pretty nice mains but have no interest in expending effort on side dishes. Mashing some potatoes with a bit of nutmeg is about my limit.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:02, Reply)

4 hours and 23 minutes until I'm in the pub.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:07, Reply)

4 hours and 24 minutes till my bomb goes off

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:08, Reply)

Yeah?
Well, I'm on a motherfuckin BOAT!
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 21 May 2013, 12:09, Reply)

BOAT lol

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:10, Reply)

Alright, Catweazle?
Not in mourning today? Another old hippy rocker bites the dust.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 21 May 2013, 12:11, Reply)

Nah, Ray Manzarek was a poofter.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:14, Reply)

So's Jeff, but you like him.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 21 May 2013, 12:17, Reply)

HOW DARE YOU

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:18, Reply)

Yeah, we're about to land now, and I'm going to lose my wifi.
Catch you later, losers.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 21 May 2013, 12:23, Reply)

He spoke very highly of you.
He admired your success in the music industry.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:21, Reply)

The Doors were no Electric Head Funk, that's for sure.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:27, Reply)

Seven hours and 22 minutes here :(

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:09, Reply)

78hrs or so over here...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:11, Reply)

Eddie Murphys ill fated come back filmmZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:21, Reply)

I am ok at DIY
but most importantly I know my limits, so I can rattle a few things together and I am pretty good at fixing minor plumbing and electrics I know when I will be getting out of my depth. I think that's the main problem with people who fuck up their houses is they think they have a greater skill set than they do.

I am a pretty good chef, and have worked as a commie etc. but I rarely get to show it as the missus is a vegie freak.

Alt probs DIY
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:11, Reply)

you should probably [punch her in the tits you know

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:12, Reply)

Sound advice Mr. Paxton
I will report back
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Well, it's coming up for June.
I'm looking forward to the inevitable raft of weather complaints that will start when it isn't suddenly as hot and sunny as sub-Saharan Africa.
( Kroney, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:18, Reply)

DIY - fucking hopeless
i even have to get someone to come and change the lightbulbs at my flat (although that's really because the ceilings are so fucking high)

cooking - i am good at healthy, tasty things. i have never tried stuff like cakes or pies. life's too short. hit the deli.

alt: with a massive hangover
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:25, Reply)

how's pa?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)

Are you Greek?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:33, Reply)

he is out of hospital but all bagged and strapped up
back in on thu :((
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:46, Reply)

Sorry to hear that, I hope he's on the mend soon

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:52, Reply)

this^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:55, Reply)

gracias
i fucking hate hospitals. even the fancy private ones smell of death and horror :(

not that i'm not fucking grateful for the doctors and nurses and everything they do, mind.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:57, Reply)

this^ again

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:00, Reply)

most of the staff are fab
but i hated the rottweiler on admissions. my dad's mate, who's a consultant, had pulled a few strings to get him straight into the private hospital without prior confirmation from the health insurer. you can do this, but you have to cough up, upfront, it turns out, and then hope you get it back. (so far the bugger has cost me £3k, for 2 admissions, i told them to sell his organs and keep the change.) but what pissed me off was the fact that this woman had zero regard for his condition, and simply repeated ad nauseam that we had to pay upfront...

bedside manner, much??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:03, Reply)

Lunch - homemade chicken and vegetable soup
DIY - not too bad, but I know my limitations. Basic carpentry, decorating, bit of plastering, etc I can all do. Won't touch gas, electric or water though.

Cooking - pretty handy. Can turn my hand to most things, but my speciality is a nice Sunday roast with all the gubbins. I'm also pretty decent with the puddings - apple crumble, sticking toffee pudding etc.

Alt: I'm off, kids are at school, girlfriend working, so I guess it'll be a 12-hour wankathon. Oh and maybe some gardening.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 21 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)

hour second
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:58, Reply)

I'm an excellent cook.
I'm "ok" at DIY. haven't had much experience. Unless this is a euphemism for wanking, in that case I am the king.

Forgot it was a Bank Holiday so I will be spending it doing fuck all. Im off to Paris in a few weeks so need to save.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)

Is this an official lunch thread?
Or a sub-lunch?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:52, Reply)

Yes, OFFICIAL LUNCHEON THREAD

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:54, Reply)

I had an epically Northern ham and pease pudding sandwich

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:55, Reply)

HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM LOAKSY???????????

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:02, Reply)

NOMNOMNOM

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:06, Reply)

PEAR NEWS: I am eating a Conference pear right now.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Its all about the grapes bebbeh

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:54, Reply)

grapes have missed their vocation
get in a glass bottle and get me pissed
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:59, Reply)

I just said the same thing

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:00, Reply)

they are expensive little cunts for what they are
apple: 11p
banana: 12p
pear: 69p
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 12:58, Reply)

PEAR LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:00, Reply)

This is barley funny

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:01, Reply)

YESSSSSS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:00, Reply)

I just ate a bean and cheese slice (fucking rubbish)
Next up: chicken broth, hummous on toast.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:03, Reply)

have you got £2 spare?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:04, Reply)

No

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:10, Reply)

what part of the words "bean and cheese slice" led you to believe it would be anything else?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:04, Reply)

'Only £1'
:o(
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:10, Reply)

well that's £1 you aren't getting back
unless you vomit it up
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:12, Reply)

Have you been getting food advice from TuiB

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:12, Reply)

i've tried to rouse you all with a new thread...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:12, Reply)

Rouse and shcnell

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:13, Reply)

You sound just like my daughter

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:15, Reply)

I wonder where she gets that from?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 May 2013, 13:20, Reply)